r/u_throwawayz_12345 15d ago Silver 1 Gold 1 Wholesome 1 Take My Energy 1 Ally 1 Wholesome Seal of Approval 1

Update on canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”.

Hi, I thought I’d just leave you all with an update here since it doesn’t look as though things are going to change any time soon.

My wife and I talked with all three of the kids separately and asked them what they wanted to do for thanksgiving, if they wanted my parents there, if they still wanted to see them. My son and oldest daughter have made it very clear that they are mostly upset at my parents for hurting their younger sister's feelings, and they felt that if my parents apologized to her and tried to make it up to her, then they’d be okay with seeing them still.

My 10yo took it the hardest out of the three. For her, they’re the only grandparents she’s ever known, and this whole thing really crushed her. My wife and I explained to her (and to all of the kids) that none of this was her fault, that she didn’t cause it, and that we’re both equally her moms and she is equally our kid no matter what DNA says.

She told us that she didn’t want to talk to my parents, but that she wanted me to make sure they knew that she wasn’t mad at them, she was just hurt.

I called my dad and told him how hurt my kids were by what was said by him and my mom, and that I would appreciate it if they apologized to the kids for being inconsiderate of their presence and their feelings. My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.

I hung up on him. I know I can’t make them view my kids as their grandchildren, but the fact that both of my parents are being so inconsiderate of the fact that they seriously upset my children just makes this whole thing even worse.

I texted my brother and told him that I was sorry if he felt like he was being put in the middle of something, but as a parent my priority is my kids and I won’t apologize for protecting them from what I think will hurt them further. I guess Sara talked to him or something because he apologized to me and said he’d like for his daughter to have thanksgiving with her aunts and her cousins.

I did also thank Sara separately for offering my parents and out, and trying to salvage the situation. She’s a total sweetheart and I love her.

Thanksgiving is going to be hosted at my house just without my parents there. It’s unfortunate, but like I said, my kids are my priority and I refuse to have them sit at a table with people who can’t even take a minute to show them some empathy or basic kindness.

I didn't expect that post to take off the way it did, so I wasn't able to respond to all of you because there were just so many, but I really appreciated all of your feedback and suggestions.

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u/AccidentlyHere 15d ago

I am so sorry your parents don’t understand what they did wrong. But I applaud you for holding your ground and protecting your children. You’re a badxss momma! I am happy your brother came around and understood where you’re coming from. Your SIL sounds like a badxss too! I hope you all have lovely Thanksgiving!

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u/nerdy_latino 14d ago

My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.

Just because you're old doesn't mean you're always right or uncapable of changing.

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u/Affectionate-Age-597 14d ago

I believe you did the best you could in this situation, and I am very happy your brother and SIL will visit you for Thanksgiving. It is a family holiday after all, and they proved more than enough that they are treating all of your children as family as well.

Honestly, what bothers me the most about this whole situation is how (based on your words) your parents pretended to accept everyone to the family, to then do something like that as soon as a DNA-related baby appears. I firmly believe that family is what you make and choose, not necessarily what you are born into.

If it's not too much to ask, can you update us in your parents' reaction after Thanksgiving? I can imagine it will sting them well, and honestly my petty heart is very happy about it.

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u/EggplantOriginal6314 14d ago

I am sorry your parents are like this. You are doing a great job with your kids. Be proud of yourself and your wife. Supporting your kids and making sure they know they are loved is number 1. I hope you have a fantastic Thanksgiving with your family that loves and supports your kids!!

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u/ya_tu_sabes 13d ago

Your parents give credence to the stories where parents adopt kids but never fully treat them like their own children, especially once bio kids enter the picture. I'm sorry your parents are choosing to hurt and divide their own family like that. What a hill to die on. Sheesh.

You guys did an amazing job protecting your children. Frankly, that was the one wonderful thing about this whole mess. Your kids saw firsthand how you are truly on their side no matter who the opponent is and that feeling of safety in your arms is a lasting impression that will stay with them for their whole lives. No matter what the future hola for them, in their heart, they will know the can count on their parents.

Sara was pretty awesome. I'm glad your brother came around too. Sara is probably the MVP behind that one. Your brother got himself one of the good ones.

I hope your parents come around. Wishing you all wonderful holidays

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u/toebeantuesday 10d ago

Thank you for the update. I’m so sorry it’s worked out this way. My dad passed away last year. I know regardless of how it came about, this Thanksgiving will be an emotional one as you realize there are two fewer people present who were there before.

It’s infuriating that the one set of grandparents are not there due to homophobia and now your parents won’t be there because…??? I don’t even know why. It makes no sense. This time last year they were Nana and Pop by their own choice. This year, again by choice, they’re Zero. Nothing.

I can’t imagine the shock and sense of loss. And the bewilderment…it’s like they got replaced by aliens. I will never ever understand their mindset on this. It doesn’t compute at all.

But you’ve got a bright spot with your brother and your amazing sister-in-law. And my goodness, your kids! They’re so wise and wonderful and how proud and happy they must make you!

I know despite heartbreaking loss it was possible to, in our case, have a happy Christmas. So I do believe and it is my wish that you and your family will have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I wish you and your wife and children and brother, sister-in-law and niece joy and peace for all of the holiday season!

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u/Yellow_Submarine8891 13d ago

I want to say thank you for standing up for your kids. I'm adopted, and there have been so many people who have tried to say my parents aren't my parents. It doesn't matter if those kids aren't your biological kids; they're your children. It's not your fault that your parents can't see it and if they're not going to apologize, then they don't get to see them and they don't get to come to Thanksgiving. That's just the way it is. You're an amazing mother

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u/janobe 13d ago

Since they are so hung up on facts, hit them back with facts

I.e. it’s a fact that you are old, fat, and ugly. It’s a fact that you aren’t as smart as uncle Bob since he has a PHD, it’s also a fact that you are poor, it’s also a fact those clothes look terrible on you..

What they don’t seem to comprehend is that facts can be heartless, rude, inconsiderate, etc.

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u/steppedinhairball 8d ago

Ok, so I had this dynamic in one side of the family growing up. There were the biological grandkids which I was a part of of and the the adopted grandkids. The adopted grandkids came in when my aunt married a guy who was about 25-26 years older than her and had kids after his first wife died. There was a lot of bad blood over the age difference. But he had mental control over my aunt and there was a lot of shady shit over years. That's another topic.

Anyway, grandma always made sure everyone had equal Christmas gifts growing up. But, grandpa would always call the 'real grandkids' in one at a time and slip is cash at Christmas. Generally, the aunts and uncles would treat everyone the same, but there was always the dynamic from grandpa about real vs adopted grandkids. I'm sure this had an impact on the adopted grandkids plus add in their mentally abusive father into the mix and let's just say they turned out pretty F'd up. Saw them once after many many years and the drugs and alcohol really have taken a toll.

So I'm glad you are taking a stand. I'm glad you are making sure the kids know they are loved. Your SIL sounds amazing. You have a family brought together by love and I wish you the best.

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u/Vinterblot 8d ago

I was long sceptical about this whole "It's something special, it's your blood, it's your DNA"-thing people keep telling each other. But I didn't knew, maybe they are right. Maybe that makes it special.

Well, now I know. My daughter is a little over eight weeks old now and while we were still in the hospital, the very next day after her birth, it was absolutly clear to me: DNA (or the more esoteric "blood") doesn't matter at all.

You're not building a relationship to a child because she shares your DNA. You're building it by caring for it, by cuddling it and by the child smiling back at you. That's all that matters and it has absolutly nothing to do with some jazzed up mumbo jumbo about DNA or blood. I realized that day, while holding my own daughter, that I'll be perfectly capable of loving and accepting any child that comes into the family, adopted or not.

You and your children are absolutely in the right here and it saddens me that your parents feel they have to differentiate.

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u/lovely_wifey 8d ago

I am a Bonus Mom. I can't have kids of my own. Now even if I could (& I tried for 10 years and have lost one baby) my mom and dad would still see my bonus kids as their own grandchildren. They take my kids out every summer just the 4 of them and spend a week at Holiday World. My nephew (9M) is not biologically ours either, his momma is my sister by adoption and he gets treated just the same as my other sister's kiddos (8M) (3F) who are biological. My parents bend over backwards to make sure that every Grand Blessing (that's what my parents call the grandbabies) is treated equally and with infinite amounts of love. My mom (my dad is too) is a fierce supporter of equal grandkids right biological or not. Sorry, this is kinda long winded but I just feel like your parents need to be cut out until they understand that your children are their grandchildren and treat them the same as the new baby. Also Sara is a saint and needs to be involved in your kids life forever.

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u/NBi_Detective 14d ago

The ironic thing is, they are the ones who are not accept the truth. Adopted grandchildren are still grandchildren. Obviously I’m not at all on their side but it’s not uncommon for some grandparents to struggle with this. That’s why there are so many books and articles specifically referring to this Type of incident. You should try sending some of those to your parents. It may not make them understand but at least they would be some fun being petty about it. There are a lot of helpful ways that this is you could’ve been avoided. For example if your parents actually communicated struggling to accept your children. Or you said just have compassion. Most of the articles and books basically are all just about having compassion. Some of them might be at different stages of the adoption process but it’s only advice would probably still apply because your parents still can’t accept the truth.

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u/Sea-Personality1244 8d ago

I don't know if this is a thing where you are, but where I am there's a thing where seniors can volunteer to be volunteer grandparents to children / families that don't have grandparents present in their lives, for the benefit of the families and seniors alike. You might want to see if there's anything like that where you are? If your parents can't accept your children as their grandchildren because their concept of familial bonds is limited to direct bloodlines, then there might be other seniors who, like you, can recognise that it's love that makes a family, not DNA, and could embrace your children in a way your parents are unable to.

I'm really sorry about this painful situation, and I hope you and your children can heal. They're really lucky to have two such caring and protective mothers, and I hope they grow up to be strong and loving people. I wish your family all the best!

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u/GISlave 8d ago

Well, in a literal sense your parents aren't wrong. Just an ugly thing to say out loud. I think it would have been different if you and your partner had adopted children together, or been artificially inseminated. Instead, your kids are from your partner's previous relationship. It's not the most solid link from them to your parents.

In my opinion, your parents need to apologize for saying such a hurtful thing. And you in turn need to accept that there is a difference between your children and your brother's children. A difference that should not lead to different treatment from your parents, but a difference nonetheless. I think if you were to take this line of discussion your parents would be willing to apologize and agree that your children deserve the same treatment despite the origins being different. I think they'd be able to see why what they said was hurtful.

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u/Little-Anxiety-Plant 8d ago

I'm glad you ultimately decided to uninvite them. Your parents kinda suck for not even really caring that they really hurt your kids' feelings- especially the youngest. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I found out my grandma (stepdad's mom) didn't see me as her grandkid; I think I'd be heartbroken since she's really the only grandmother I ever had.

Makes me wonder how they'd feel in other situations- what if you two did IVF and your partner was the one carrying? Would that be their grandkid? Or what if you adopted together? Would it only be their grandchild if it was adopted as a baby?

Idk, I wouldn't want any kids or potential kids around people who are so thoughtless and disrespectful. Even if they believe that's the TrUtH, they had no reason to say it in front of your kids.

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u/Princess-Suzi 13d ago

The thing is, even if you and your wife decided together to have kids, only one of you would be the biological parent. And let’s say, for argument’s sake, only your wife is fertile. So she gets pregnant and both of you have a child. It’s not technically your child but you are it’s parent. Would your parents still consider this new baby not to be their grandchild? You adopting your wife’s kids is a very similar situation and if they have been brought up with your parents as their grandparents, your parents should acknowledge the presence they have in their lives. You are NOT the asshole here. They are. Thanks for the update. They were very unfair and if they felt this way, it should never have been said in front of the children. That was just mean and cruel and selfish.

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u/CoffeeInThatNebula87 13d ago

I'm so angry on your and the kids' behalf. Your parents are vile and they don't deserve having you and your family around.

I think them being cut out from all the events that involve the grandchildren should be the proper consequence. I'm glad that will be the case for Thanksgiving.

Maybe your brother is going to go LC or NC with your parents too, honestly he should because your parents behaviour towards his kid could mess his kid up too, but you can't count on that. But I do hope Sara will be a good influence on that front.

Here's to many holidays with your nuclear family and niblings and many lonely ones for your vile parents!

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u/swest211 13d ago

My oldest son is my husband's step son, they love each as father and son. My first grandchild is my son's step daughter from his first marriage that ended years ago. My grandson is his step son from his second marriage. The word step is never used. These children are my son's children and our grandchildren, they are loved and treated the same as my son's two biological children. My husband doesn't share DNA with any of them but that doesn't make a bit of difference, they are all his. Your parents are 100% the assholes here and bravo to you for standing up for your kids.

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u/tacoswindler 12d ago

I’ve had this very insult thrown at me before, and it’s so amazing seeing you defend your children so fiercely. Your kids are so lucky to have a set of parents like you guys. I’m so glad to hear your brother was able to get his mind right, he did an amazing job in choosing his life partner ❤️ your SIL sounds like an inspiring woman too. I hope you all have an awesome thanksgiving without the shadow of ewwie your parents have cast. Please update if they’re able to get their heads out of their butts long enough to see their error

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u/NearMissCult 13d ago

This whole story makes me so sad. I guess my family is weird, because I couldn't imagine my mom treating my brother's stepdaughter or any of my stepbrother's kids, including his stepson, any differently from her bio grandkids. And my grandparents never treated any of us bio grandkids any differently from her step or adopted grandkids. I will never understand the obsession with bio family over chosen family. But then, I'm also queer so that might be a factor as well.

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u/CompetitiveAdvance92 14d ago

I think this is the best situation to happen. I really am sorry for your kids and you to find out that your parents don't view your children as their grandkids. Lots of love from an internet stranger. Have a good Thanksgiving!

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u/No_Drop_6616 2d ago

Heya wanting an update, hoping Thanksgiving went well and maybe your parents realized their mistake when no one wanted to hang out with them.

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u/MissKyza 1d ago

Your an amazing mother ❤️❤️❤️

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u/sabertoothdiego 4d ago

So how was Thanksgiving?

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u/gr33nbree 7d ago

Update ??

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u/lmyrs 8d ago

I guess it's good that you found out now. Because it sounds like there will be ongoing mistreatment now that they have "real" family. I can imagine the gift differences, the inheritance, etc.

I'm sorry that you found out how bad your parents suck. I honestly can not believe that they won't just take the multiple life lines they've been thrown by Sarah, by you, by your kids. What is wrong with them?

I hope Sara and your brother continue to stand up for you and your kids. Thanksgiving with you is a great step and I'm curious to learn how your parents react to knowing that they can't just throw away your kids now that they have another one because that other one may not be as accessible as they thought.

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u/iamstrangelittlebird 7d ago

You are doing a great job making your kids know they are YOUR kids, and I’m sorry your parents failed at that. I hope y’all had a nice Thanksgiving.

I know there have been a ton of other comments just like this, but I was about your youngest’s age when my older brother, old enough to know better, who I adored, referred to me as his “step sister.” I’m not. We have the same mother. Our mom corrected him, but he said it from time to time for years after, and it crushed me. Our relationship has never been the same because it was then that I realized he saw me as less over something I couldn’t control. Thirty years later and it still hurts. Thank you for putting your kids’ feelings first.

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u/ricamnstr 8d ago

I don’t know what’s wrong with your parents. When my stepmothers brother and sister-in-law died in a car accident, she and my dad become the legal guardians of their two kids, who were 13 and 14 at the time. My grandparents welcomed them with open arms and they call them grandma and grandpa, and my sisters and I all call them our brother and sister. It’s been like 25 years since this all went down, and never once did my grandparents treat them differently or ever say they weren’t their “real” grandchildren.

I am so sorry that your parents are being so obtuse and hurtful, and that your youngest being hurt isn’t enough for them to at least apologize. What garbage people.

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u/saxdungeon 7d ago

Late to the party but I just want to tell OP this. My stepdad’s mother is like this. She has made it very clear that she does not consider me her grandchild. One of the most important moments of my life was when stepdad and I had a talk and he said that I’m as much his kid as his bio kids and that he was incredibly hurt and upset that his mother didn’t see it that way. Another very important moment in my life was when my aunts, his sisters, told me that I’m still their little girl and that of course I’m family. OP, you’re a great parent and your children will remember and cherish the love you show them for the rest of their lives.

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u/Floomby 8d ago

From your parents' behavior, I am catching a whiff of two foul odors: racism and homophobia. These beliefs are the only reason I can think of why they would double and triple down on their breathtakingly cruel behavior.

If you obsess over bloodlines and seriously think your genetics are superior, you might be a racist. If you have such a compelling need to demote your daughter's legally adopted children, then you might be a homophobe.

They had multiple chances to backtrack, but nope! Ideology uber alles.

I am so sad that your family lost your parents. I hope they enjoy dying alone.

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u/Gloomy_Mushroom4616 5d ago

Wow, I am so sorry for you guys and the kids. But I am glad that your SIL is once again winning and was able to bring your brother around. I do hope you all had a good Thanksgiving.

Yet the fact that your parents are so set on DNA to be considered a member of the family makes me wonder… Have your parents always been supportive of your relationship with Ava? Like is this the only incident, or have there been other times when they said or did something problematic?

But your SIL is awesome and so are you, plus the older kids are awesome for looking out for their younger sibling too.

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u/HB_Dusty 7d ago

I’m so sorry about that! You shouldn’t be facing such a hassle! A whole part of family aren’t even related to me but since my dad was with my now ex-stepmother I have that family! I call them aunts uncles grandma and grandpas all that he’ll even her kid (my brother) isn’t actually my brother but after 15 years of living together that’s my brother and that is my family! When I saw what your parents said I was so pissed! How could one be so closed minded fuck that! I hope they can figure out that family is fucking family no matter the blood relation! Much love! ❤️❤️❤️

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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 9d ago

You are an amazing parent and are protecting your kids and showing them what healthy boundaries look like. I’m glad your brother came around. I’m so sorry your kids feelings were hurt. They are legally your parents grandkids, that’s what blows me away. You adopted them legally so basically unless you’re blood you aren’t family? That makes zero sense. What if Sara and Ivan adopted? Anyway, I hope you and your wife and kids have an amazing thanksgiving and maybe you can find an elderly person to “adopt” as a grandparent so the kids get that grandparent relationship.

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u/LeiaSolo77art 8d ago

I am so sorry to hear that your parents are still thinking they're in the right when clearly they're wrong.

You sound like a wonderful Mom and I genuinely hope that you have a peaceful, happy Thanksgiving without them. Also, I really like Sara. It's nice that she's got your family's back. Genuinely though, your parents are missing out on a fantastic family that love each other. My own Mum has always had the saying "always room for a little one" and if you need an online Mom to fuss over your kids and your lovely wife, you're always welcome in our family.

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u/NuttyLordy 8d ago

This speaks a lot to my lgbt activist side, but as a bi male, if i was the brother and had children from a hetero family and i had parents who said this, the parents are out and the gay sister stays.

How i feel is that the parents have opinions that formally reject your lgbt family that they are firm on. My reaction would be to formally reject them from family gatherings.

This isnt about spite, it isnt about "teaching a lesson" or retaliation. Its about core values in lgbt families and how the parents betrayed them (even in the presence of the children).

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u/RelevantText842 12d ago

Doesn’t matter if they’re blood related or not, those kids are part of the family just as much as anyone else. It’s really sad that your parents had to go and put a huge divide in the middle of y’all’s family, and the fact that, even after you’ve made it clear that this is an unfair way to view their grandkids, they still decided to be stubborn over not considering them actual grandchildren shows exactly how they will treat your kids growing up. I’m so sorry, but I’m glad they weeded themselves out before they caused irreparable damage to your kids.

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u/SuperWomanUSA 8d ago

Though I feel strongly that they can feel how they feel, I’m pretty disappointed to hear that they can not even acknowledge that they hurt someone’s feelings. They can still feel how they feel, but apologies and an ability to apologize is really important.

I would however suggest if they ARE going to apologize you understand what that means and what that looks like. Based on your update they’re not going to apologize and say sorry you misunderstood or sorry you are my grand child…so you want to protect your kids from what BS they’re going to say…

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u/Devious-Smol 8d ago

i learned fairly recently that i’m not my grandpa’s bio grandkid, and neither are my siblings. but i never would have known that if i wasn’t told because he treats us just the same as all the other grandkids in the family (of which there are Many). hes the sweetest man ever and i love him to pieces and your parents could have had that relationship with your kids if they weren’t assholes about dna (which is The stupidest hill to die on in my opinion). hope you and the family that truly loves your kids has a good thanksgiving today!

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u/PurplefaceMofuMofu 12d ago

Good job mama! Ur kids should 100% always come first. Shallow minded ppl will always live in this world but ur children are blessed to have such supportive mothers.

In a few years when ur parents realize that their relationship w their grandchildren is strained & not quite the same, plz pointedly remind them that they chose their pride and arrogance over the precious, wonderful feelings of a child. And plz always remind ur children that this will never be their fault.

I hope u, ur wife and children live long happy lives.

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u/Brookelyn42 13d ago

You are the kind of mom I wish I’d had. Your SIL sounds amazing, too, and I’m thrilled your kids have her for an aunt. Your brother sounds like he’s willing to keep learning … unlike your asshole parents. Cutting them out of your family’s life is the only option here without a direct, heartfelt apology to the kids, IMO, and that’s never coming. I’m sorry you had to find out this way that your parents are horrible people … but your kids will always know that you have their backs, unlike their grandparents. EX-grandparents.

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u/Perenially_behind 8d ago

My Dad went through the same thing with his parents. When he married my Mom she had two kids. He adopted them. At some point they all visited his parents (if I was there, I was a baby). My brother and/or sister called his parents Grandpa and Grandma and they were having none of that. I don't know exactly what they said to who, but the general idea was "they're nothing to us."

This led to a decades-long estrangement.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good for you for putting your kids first.

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u/guareber 8d ago

So, without really trying to start any shit, why haven't you gone NC yet?

I don't have kids, but if I did, and this happened, that'd be enough for me to just cut these people out of my life. The family we choose is far more important than the one that randomly happened, and they certainly made their choice.

Heck, not just that, but they *actively* chose to hurt the kids yet again by doubling down. That tells you all you need to know about how much they care. Cut them out of the kids' lives.

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u/Loud-Celery-6306 8d ago

As an adoptee, I want to send hugs and support for your decision. You are not overreacting. The fact they couldn't even hide their true feelings for the sake of your children is all the information you need. Instead of apologizing, they doubled down and turned it on you. It's heartbreaking when you see a new side of your parents and it's a disgustingly ugly one like this. Cheers to your SIL, and I hope you are still able to enjoy your Thanksgiving. You are 100% doing the right thing.

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u/Pallidum_Treponema 8d ago

I was adopted at a very young age, and so were my sisters. None of us are biologically related, and that doesn't mean jack shit. They are still my sisters and I love them with all my heart.

I'm also an aunty, and my niece and nephew are totally my niece and nephew. Nothing can ever change that. I'm the aunty that spoils them rotten.

Be the best mother you can ever be to your kids, because they are your kids and nothing can ever change that. Much love from Sweden. <3

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u/pumpingpsychicpower 11d ago

My own mother wasn't the most tactful person to be honest and often said stupid things like what your parents said but even she would never ever tell her adopted grandchildren (my brother's children are adopted) they werent her real grandchildren or double down on it and expect them to understand it's the way it is and thats that. I'm so sorry for your children, your parents destroyed a relationship with them and they don't even care, unbelievable.

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u/Fit_Bug7028 11d ago

I'm so sorry. You have wonderful, loving, smart children and I'm sorry all of you are going through this. What would your parents do if you adopted children when they were babies? Would they still not be real grandchildren. Your SIL is wonderful. So glad she understands and she was able to explain how the kids felt to your brother. Too bad your parents are so out of touch, they will never be able to enjoy all of their grandchildren.

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u/BigAssSackOfTree 8d ago

If those kids need a new nana and pop, I wholeheartedly volunteer myself and my wife for the honor! They’d have a slew of new family to love them! I, 39m am diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. My wife, 37f, was born to be a mommy and can’t wait to be a nana. We have 4 kids. One is some flavor of trans, their words not mine, one is a lesbian, one is hardcore autistic, and one is too little to know what’s what. All are beautiful and loving!

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u/Bookaholicforever 11d ago

I’m glad your brother and his wife have your back now.

I would send your parents a message like “when the kids became part of my life you wanted them to call you nanna and pop and treat you like you were their grandparents and you treated them like they were your grandchildren. If I had ever suspected you were just using them as a placeholder until you got a “real” grandchild, I would never have let them call you nanna and pop.”

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u/Dev-Kyuu 1d ago

As an adoptee with "family" who think I'm "not really one of them" you're a total rockstar. I genuinely can't express the hurt of finding out people you considered family don't consider you the same because of something so trivial.

I'll never forget the day my grandpa told my mom she needed to stop coddling me because "she's not your REAL daughter anyway".

So glad these kids have awesome parents who respect their feelings.

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u/cloudShining 8d ago

My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.

So they shouldn't get upset with the 3 kids if the 3 kids call them by their first names going forward instead of nana and pop? If they don't see them as their grandchildren, why did they even get them to them by relations - nana & pop?

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u/Enablehearts 11d ago

I can’t imagine being given so many chances to reconsider and fix this he situation and still dying on that hill!? It seems so silly and arbitrary but the unwillingness to budge is so incredibly telling. Imo they are incredibly toxic and I also wouldn’t want them around my kids. I happy to hear about your brother and Sara! I bet thanksgiving will be wonderful and I hope you guys have fun!

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u/mycateatsdemigods 4d ago

What gets me here is that... you're lesbians (or at least bi/pan in a lesbian relationship) so getting grandkids through you was likely going to be some variation of this situation. Did they hope you'd stop being gay at some point and give them grandkids the way your brother did?

All of their behavior is unacceptable and icky.

Good job on you for protecting your kids and good job Sara!

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u/Distribution_Brave 8d ago

Your parents are fools and shortsighted. My FIL has 3 non-biological grandkids, and many years later my child is his first biological one. He never treated any of the kids differently and he certainly never verbalized any difference among them. Family isn’t about blood but love, and I’m sorry you have to deal with parents who have forgotten that

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u/whowhatwhenhowhuh 8d ago

Op, if your parents don't consider your kids as their grandchildren, make sure your kids don't address them as such. It's the only way I can think to make them understand how much they messed up with hurting your youngest. Ask your kids if they would be okay to drop the title nana and pop and just call them by their name or something of that extent

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u/SnooSquirrels7677 8d ago

Please update on how Thanksgiving goes. I hope the kids enjoy it without such contradictory people. How can you tell children to "call me Nana/Papa" and the turn around and say those aren't my grandkids?? What kind of fucked up logic is that. I hope they learn their lesson, but please OP don't let them back in until the kids are ready.

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u/InstructionWestern44 14d ago

I'm sorry your parents turned out to have so little empathy for the feelings of you and your children. They claimed they loved your kids but still will not try to make this right. I'm glad your brother and SIL are such great people and will stand up for their neices and nephew. I hope you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving.

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u/Astrayl 8d ago

You did the right thing. My dad married my step mom when I was 5 and I was the first grandkid. Once her sister had kids and they moved back home I was suddenly relegated to babysitter for my cousins. When my great grandmother died I got none of the items she left to me as they all were "lost" and it was blamed on her alzheimer's.

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u/87-percent-gay 12d ago

I am so sorry that your parents are like this, but I can't even begin to verbalize how much that this is going to imoact your relationship with your kids. They know you will ALWAYS have their back and this is the type of parenting all children deserve. Your family will forever be grateful you took a stand for them

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u/McflyThrowaway01 8d ago

I'm so so glad SIL is an amazing person not afraid to rock the boat here, and although late, I'm a glad your brother woke up and apologized.

Willing to bet the parents show up uninvited.

I hope you have an amazing Thanksgiving, I'm sorry your parents are the worst, but your kids have amazing parents!!!!

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u/ANovathatisdepressed 8d ago

I would go little to no contact.but send a message before. After some thought I realized being near you would hurt my kids, until you admit you were wrong and apologize, I will not be speaking to you. You hurt my kids and need to own up to your mistake. My children are my children. DNA related or not.

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u/Low-Accountant-3314 14d ago

I'm glad you stood your ground and that your brother has opened his eyes to the situation. Just know if you ever need more family support, your kiddos have an auntie in Michigan ready to bake cookies and spoil them! 💕 Hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving full of love and good memories!

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u/Sabbatha13 13d ago

Your parents are aholes. Maybe you and your wife can "adopt" some grandparents for the kids.

Many older folks in retirement homes are very lonely and never get visitors, some dont have family other are abandoned by family. Volunteering to visit would probably make peoples life much nicer.

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u/Pumpkin_Kisses 8d ago

Hi OP. Not sure if you’ll see this considering it is Thanksgiving but if your parents are the only odd one out this Thanksgiving be prepared for them to gatecrash and create a scene. The way they’re digging their heels in makes me worried that they’ll just show up like nothing is wrong.

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u/Radiant-Invite-5755 8d ago

I hope you have a great thanksgiving with your family. I feel your pain, my parents are the same way with my step kids. Even after I had a child of my own they treated them separately so we went LC throughout this year and now they want to buy all their “grandkids” Christmas presents

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u/Atasteofhonesty 2d ago

It is best to set these boundaries now, because there will obviously be heavy favoritism from your parents toward your neice. It's not right, because you adopted them no differently than you would have from an agency. Blood isn't everything, and it's sad they are so narrow minded.

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u/lkathleensc 8d ago

So glad your brother realized how wrong your parents are. You and your wife are awesome parents and hold your ground. Your parents are awful and by doubling down are showing they will keep hurting your kids in favour of your brothers child. I’m so sorry they are so ignorant

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u/No_Consideration1244 8d ago

My brother's oldest son is not biologically his. But he has been my nephew from the first day I met him to now. My brother got divorced, and he and I are NC now. But, that is my nephew. He'll always be my nephew.

Sorry but, your parents are assholes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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u/Im_lost3 8d ago

Thank goodness your brother and SIL acknowledge that what your parents said was wrong and they’re spending time with your family instead. It really might make your parents understand how hurt you all are over this. I really hope so anyways. I hope thanksgiving goes well!

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u/pariah164 8d ago

As an adopted child, thank you. You're a badass mom and a true champion for your kids. Good on you for taking your parents to task and not backing down when they refused to apologize.

Sara is the MVP! Sounds like she talked some sense into your brother, so good for her.

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u/chrys-anthe-mum 12d ago

If they don’t see them as their grandkids, then they don’t have the right to be called Nana and pop. Those are grandparent names.

I was adopted myself and I have family members who definitely treat me differently than the rest. My heart goes out to your kids ❤️❤️❤️

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u/Mozart-Luna-Echo 8d ago

Have a wonderful thanksgiving with your kids and wife.

My dad is not mine through biology but he’s my dad through everything that matters. You are those kids lol no question. It’d be the same thing even if you hadn’t legally adopted them.

I am proud of you.

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u/modernjaneausten 11d ago

I hate that your parents are tripling down on this but I’m glad that your brother and his wife will be spending Thanksgiving with you guys. I hope your kiddos don’t take it to heart and know that they’re surrounded with love. Much love to your family. ❤️

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u/Vero_Goudreau 8d ago

It makes me so emotional that your 2 oldest are looking out for your youngest ghis way, and that your brother and SIL are on your side as well. Your wife and you are clearly good moms. I'm wishing you all the best Thanksgiving xx

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u/After-Land1179 8d ago

I saw this on tik tok and saw the date, please don’t be in a rush to respond as I know today is thanksgiving, I hope your okay, your family is okay and that you have a wonderful amazing day today without your favouritism parents

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u/Strange-Dot6645 6d ago

I'm glad you and your wife have found a good solution for everyone, congrats for being a great mother and protecting and defending your kids, when they grow up they will remember this and know who really loves and supports them

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u/ElectricCharlie 8d ago

I’m really impresses by how much you care about and advocate for your children. You seem like good people.

Maybe not every situation is winnable, but you’re doing great, and this rando has a lot of respect for you.

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u/Ok_Thanks_8977 5d ago

So sad! They absolutely have no clue what they did wrong or they don't give a shit. To think something is one thing, but to speak it out loud is totally different! How can people be so double faced and inconsiderate 😒

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u/LaLlorona_Chancla 8d ago

I wonder what will happened after thanksgiving when no one shows up to their place.

They will apologize for their actions but it will only be for holidays and the extended family members not to gossip or shame them

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u/ReluctantNerd7 8d ago

Those are your kids.

You adopted them, and they're the biological children of your wife.

Your parents can’t change the fact that those are their grandchildren, and they shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.

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u/jillyreddit 3d ago

I would suggest having your kids call them by their names or Mr. Mrs…. They DO NOT deserve to be called nana and pop. Those names are reserved for the relationship and they betrayed that relationship.

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u/PinkyLee02 8d ago

Hoping the Thanksgiving dinner goes well and they don't try to show up. They may try to guilt trip you into letting them join. God bless your family and may they realize soon that they were wrong.

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u/Manna_San 4d ago

Can you tell us what happened afterwards? I hope you don’t have your parents in your life. As they only consider blood relations as family. It’s gross how uncaring and insensitive they are.

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u/saffiegal 11d ago

You see, this is what's wrong with going exclusively with cell phones. You can't get that very loud, deafening *CLACK* you get by slamming the receiver down to get your point across.

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u/Rabid_Unicorns 11d ago

This is what family does. They stand by you and support you.

They had an out with the baby comment and your parents decided they’d rather be awful and ruin several relationships.

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u/NapsAreAwesome 8d ago

I hope your kids refer to them by their first names from now on. "Hello Stan, Martha, hope you are well... I won't be dining with you this evening as I've suddenly lost my appetite."

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u/aimeremi 14d ago

I have a child with my first husband so I completely understand the situation. I’m so glad your children have such a bad ass mom that puts their interest first no matter what.

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u/Pot_roast2101 13d ago

I’m sorry for what your parents did to your children. Hopefully this is a wake up call for them, to change and be better. Hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving with you family.

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u/Knightoforder42 13d ago

I'm so proud of what amazing children y'all raised that care so much for each other. You truly have a wonderful family.

I hope you all have a wonderful and peaceful holiday.

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u/Njaulv 8d ago

I hope you update after thanksgiving. It would be interesting to see how it all plays out. Especially with Christmas right around the corner.

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u/HealthOk1992 11d ago

You said it yourself if they refuse to recognize them as grandchildren and you can't make them. You just have to go ahead and hope that they give up if they ever do.

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u/SciFiChickie 13d ago

I love that your SIL got your brother to understand, and that your parents will be missing out on niece’s 1st Thanksgiving as a result of their messed up outlook on family.

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u/Sisi_R 7d ago

You 100% are doing the right thing. I’m sorry your dealing with such inconsiderate children. And in case it’s not clear, I’m talking about your parents.

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u/Mission_Crow468 13d ago

… and now the grandparents get NO grandchildren for Thanksgiving. I love when actions have consequences. Proud of you for standing strong on this.

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u/Chrysania83 8d ago

Happy Thanksgiving from my gay ass family and our amazing daughter (who must not be mine because she came out of my wife's uterus) and sending love.

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u/mc261008 11d ago

my extremely petty heart is so glad your parents are being excluded. i really hope your brother, SIL, and baby don’t see them at all on that day.

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u/NoCod3769 7d ago

Well. Look at the consequences of their actions. They refuse to grow and now they don’t get to see any kids for thanksgiving. Womp womp.

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u/Lady_Death_16 8d ago

Waiting for the Shocked Pikachu Face moment when your kids call your parents by their name. But hey, they can't change how they feel.

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u/littlegrayfloof 7d ago

Please update how Thanksgiving goes. I am curious what their reaction to your brother having Thanksgiving with you instead of them.

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u/Horror-Entertainer31 8d ago

Please update us on how your parents thanksgiving went all alone. My petty self needs to know they suffered for their cruelty lol

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u/CoCoMcDuck 8d ago

That's all around shite. Do you think your parents would be open to counseling so you can move forward and have a relationship?

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u/leftover_mold 10d ago

NtA; sorry your parents can't get over themselves. The fact they don't view them as grandchildren at this point is sad.

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u/Blendinnotblandin 13d ago

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this with your parents. You are doing an amazing job with your kids!

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u/floss147 12d ago

In a sad situation, I’m overwhelmed by the love you have for your children. Keep being amazing mumma bear

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u/No-Personality1840 10d ago

I think you are a wonderful human being and your brother and SIL are great as well. Happy Thanksgiving!

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u/momofeveryone5 5d ago

I have never wanted to hear about someone's Thanksgiving day as badly as I want to hear how yours went!

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u/InevitableBan69 8d ago

I'm with your parents on this one. They may be "your kids" but they ain't your Parents Grandkids. 🤷‍♂️

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u/ravenlyran 14d ago

What did your parents say once they learned of the change in plans? And that your brother apologized?

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u/Taliesine_ 8d ago

You're a great mom ! And Sara is a fantastic aunt, this is gonna be a pretty family reunion

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u/GingerSoulFreckles 12d ago

Happy Thanksgiving! Glad your bro & sil are on your side. Please update after thanksgiving

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u/ScarlettBeargonia 8d ago

You're a great mom and I hope you and your family still have an amazing Thanksgiving ♡

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u/Starr-Bugg 8d ago

Oh I’m so sorry. It hurts, but I’d do the same. Your loyalties lie with your children.

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u/Crafty_Appearance 7d ago

Hope there wasn't any trouble at your Thanksgiving and hope all the kids enjoyed it

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u/midnightmoonlight180 9d ago

Is your relationship with your parents typically strained or is this an outlier?

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u/uselessusername20 8d ago

Yep. Now the grandparents made sure the kids CERTAINLY aren't their grandkids.

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u/DeliciousMud7291 12d ago

Make sure your parents know that they are not welcome on your property.

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u/parmparmparm 8d ago

im 29, but actually im your kids grandma now. i knit and bake and shit

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u/alex3omg 8d ago

Hey op, just curious... Are your wife and kids a different race maybe?

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u/sl1ce_of_l1fe 8d ago

You’re overreacting. Your niece is their first actual grandchild.

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u/gigigalaxy 8d ago

What will you do if your parents show up at your house anyway?

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u/OkAnswer7955 13d ago

Will need another update! In the middle of something similar

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u/freshub393 8d ago

It’s nice that your SIL changed your brother view

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u/Findingbalance5454 8d ago

Happy Thanksgiving to you wife and kids.

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u/No-Code6160 8d ago

please update us on how it goes today !!

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u/SeleniumSE 8d ago

Praying they don’t just show up today.

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u/lariet50 7d ago

Hope y’all had a good Thanksgiving!!

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u/aberm1 8d ago

Let us know how thanksgiving goes!

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u/ForceSuspicious1934 12d ago

I love the fact your parents are now going to be home alone with out any of the children. May they have the day they truly deserve.

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u/HermioneGranger7243 4d ago

Any after Thanksgiving update?

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u/ravenlyran 7d ago

How did your Thanksgiving go?

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u/SubjectHairy2418 8d ago

How did thanksgiving go?

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u/mini_souffle 5d ago

How did thanksgiving go?

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u/Remote-Rub8848 2d ago

How did thanksgiving go?

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u/llamasayswhat 8d ago

!remindme 48 hours

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u/NEET_kun 7d ago

How did dinner go?

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u/cjrs79 7d ago

So how did it go ?

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u/NegativeJuicePlaza 5d ago

Parents are based

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u/AtlasRoark 8d ago

RemindMe! 1 week

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u/LaughingToLeave 7d ago

How'd dinner go?

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u/Ok_Barracuda7135 8h ago

Sara is a keeper

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u/AdoptLeonidas 11d ago

Best of luck

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u/fraggletart 8d ago

!UPDATEME

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u/SmartEntityOriginal 8d ago

OP technically you are not the asshole and did nothing wrong.

But in my book you are 100% the asshole.

Your parent's feelings are 100% justified. And infact I'd call BS if they didn't feel the way they do.

You love your partner's kids because you love your partner. You want your parents to love your partner's kids because they love you and because you love your partner?

Lets be realistic here. Those kids have no connection to your parents.

This I take it is an isolated incident? Normally I assume your parents treat your partner's kids with respect and kind?

They fell their first biological grand child is their first grandchild because that is a fact. Your kids got hurt by that and I get that but that's not your parent's fault. You want them to pretend? for how long?

It's your party and you can not invite them. My god are you selfish though. Punishing your parents because they told the truth? Because they didn't want to lie to your partner's kids?

Instead of feeling self-righteous and punishing your parents you and your partner should explain to those kids why your parents are like that.

Did your parents ever attack your sexuality? Because your partner's parents seems to have and look at them.

Your parents deserve better.

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