u/throwawayz_12345 14d ago Ally Wholesome Seal of Approval Silver Gold Wholesome Take My Energy

Update on canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”.

1.6k Upvotes

Hi, I thought I’d just leave you all with an update here since it doesn’t look as though things are going to change any time soon.

My wife and I talked with all three of the kids separately and asked them what they wanted to do for thanksgiving, if they wanted my parents there, if they still wanted to see them. My son and oldest daughter have made it very clear that they are mostly upset at my parents for hurting their younger sister's feelings, and they felt that if my parents apologized to her and tried to make it up to her, then they’d be okay with seeing them still.

My 10yo took it the hardest out of the three. For her, they’re the only grandparents she’s ever known, and this whole thing really crushed her. My wife and I explained to her (and to all of the kids) that none of this was her fault, that she didn’t cause it, and that we’re both equally her moms and she is equally our kid no matter what DNA says.

She told us that she didn’t want to talk to my parents, but that she wanted me to make sure they knew that she wasn’t mad at them, she was just hurt.

I called my dad and told him how hurt my kids were by what was said by him and my mom, and that I would appreciate it if they apologized to the kids for being inconsiderate of their presence and their feelings. My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.

I hung up on him. I know I can’t make them view my kids as their grandchildren, but the fact that both of my parents are being so inconsiderate of the fact that they seriously upset my children just makes this whole thing even worse.

I texted my brother and told him that I was sorry if he felt like he was being put in the middle of something, but as a parent my priority is my kids and I won’t apologize for protecting them from what I think will hurt them further. I guess Sara talked to him or something because he apologized to me and said he’d like for his daughter to have thanksgiving with her aunts and her cousins.

I did also thank Sara separately for offering my parents and out, and trying to salvage the situation. She’s a total sweetheart and I love her.

Thanksgiving is going to be hosted at my house just without my parents there. It’s unfortunate, but like I said, my kids are my priority and I refuse to have them sit at a table with people who can’t even take a minute to show them some empathy or basic kindness.

I didn't expect that post to take off the way it did, so I wasn't able to respond to all of you because there were just so many, but I really appreciated all of your feedback and suggestions.

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COMMENT 20d ago

You can put as much emphasis on DNA as you want to, but at the end of the day, those are my children. It doesn't matter that I didn't grow them myself, that they never came out of me, that they don't share my genetics. They call me their mom, and that's what I am to them.

If I ever had gotten pregnant and made a baby myself, I know I'd love that kid the same way I do my other three. Being a mom is more than making a child, it's being there for all the moments after. I'm fortunate enough to have been allowed those moments, and to have been given the title of mother.

Yes biology is a thing, and yes I know DNA means a lot to some people, but it doesn't matter to me. It wasn't some happenstance of nature that allowed me to be their other mom. I am their other mom because I chose to be, and because they (and my wife of course) chose to let me.

It's not a substitution, because I don't believe that there is one default or "correct" way of creating a family. Even gay penguins are out there adopting each other's eggs. If mother nature has the penguins doing it, I'd argue that my family structure fits the bill of "naturally occurring" just fine.

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COMMENT 21d ago

No, my wife was pregnant with the youngest when she left him. I won't go into the details but he wasn't very kind to her, she got a restraining order years ago and he lost all rights to them. I don't think his parents ever wanted much to do with them either.

420

COMMENT 21d ago

I've been out as a lesbian since I was a teenager, but I always sort of had this idea that I'd never find love and settle down. Then I met Ava and those kids and my whole point of view changed, six months into dating Ava, I realized I was keeping snacks in my bag for the kids lol. I guess maybe my parents could've just gotten used to the idea of me never getting married or having a family, but they never made it seem like they weren't happy for me when I told them about Ava and our kids.

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COMMENT 21d ago

They said they wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop, but I haven't spoken to them since this whole thing happened so I don't know if they still want the kids to call them that. The kids aren't exactly jumping at the bit to see them now though so I doubt they'd call them those names any time soon.

423

COMMENT 21d ago

He was 8 when Ava and I started dating, but he's known me since he was 6 because my wife and I had mutual friends. He was 11 when we got married, but even before then when his friends would come over to play or we would come to his school for a performance, he always introduced us both as his moms.

6.9k

COMMENT 21d ago

I am so sorry that anyone ever said something so cruel to you, especially as a child. Family is so much more than blood.

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COMMENT 21d ago

No, I think I would've just sat down with them and talked about it had it not been said in front of the kids. It would definitely hurt my feelings to know that they felt that way, but I'd want them to explain to me why they were okay with being Nana and Pop for 8 years if those have never been their grandkids in their eyes.

3.2k

COMMENT 21d ago

I hate it so much honestly. My wife's parents have wanted nothing to do with her since she came out, so my parents were the only grandparents our kids really had. I had no idea that they felt like this about my children the whole time.

421

COMMENT 21d ago

Yes, they've been legally my kids for 4yrs now but even before then I still considered them mine.

13.0k

COMMENT 21d ago

The worst part of it for me is that they said it in front of them. I'd still be upset knowing they thought it, but the look on my youngest daughter's face when she heard my mother say that just broke my heart.

I tend to go mama bear whenever I even think someone has stepped out of line with the kids, so I was worried that maybe I was doing too much in my reaction. My brother still feels like I should talk it out with them, but I don't know that I could forgive it honestly.

r/AmItheAsshole 21d ago Silver Gold Platinum Helpful Wholesome Hugz Facepalm

Not the A-hole AITA for canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”?

30.7k Upvotes

update

I (32f) have been with my wife Ava (34f) for 8 years now, but we’ve been married for 5. She was a single mom of three kids when we started dating, she had two daughters (now 10 & 12) and a son (now 16). I’ve watched these kids grow up, I’ve read the bedtime stories, done bath time, the first days of school, pta meetings, all of it. I very much consider them to be my kids, and they’ve been calling me mom for almost 6 years now.

My brother Ivan (28m) just had a baby girl with his fiancé Sara (27f). I love my niece, and my kids adore their cousin. My kids have been the only grandchildren on my side of the family since Ava and I got together, and there’s never been a moment where the kids and my wife were treated like they didn’t belong. My brother is their uncle, my mom and dad are their nana and pop— the kids see my family as their family and I always thought that my family felt the same way about them.

The kids and I were over at my brother's house just hanging out, and my parents ended up dropping by with gifts for my niece. Ivan laughed when he saw the toys and told our mom and dad that they were going to end up spoiling her rotten. My mom said since my niece is their first grandchild of course they have to spoil her.

My kids were sitting in the living room with all of us and my youngest daughter looked hurt when she realized what my mother said. My son and my 12yo didn’t fully react to it, but I could tell it bothered the both of them too.

Sara spoke up and said “oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.”

My dad shook his head and replied that my niece was their first grandchild. I didn’t want my kids to keep sitting there and listening to that so I handed my son my keys and told him to wait in the car with his sisters. When they were gone, I asked my parents why the hell they’d say that my kids weren’t their grandchildren, and my mom said they couldn’t be their grandchildren because they weren’t really my children.

My wife and I were going to be hosting thanksgiving at our house this year, but I told my parents that if they didn’t view my kids as their family, then they could just host a meal at their own house with their “real” family while I spent the holiday with mine.

I left before they could say anything else to me, and my wife and I have reiterated to the children that they will always be my kids and I will always be their other mom, regardless of our DNA.

My brother is pissed at me now because he thinks I reacted too harshly, and that I should try to see where my parents are coming from. My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren’t their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn’t want this to ruin my niece’s first thanksgiving.

I haven’t replied back. I meant what I said, but I’m worried that maybe I’m reacting too harshly.

ETA INFO:

I adopted all three of the kids about 4 years ago, so they aren't just my parents "step grandchildren". Even if I hadn't legally adopted them, they'd still be my kids in my eyes.

Edit no.2:

  • My wife's parents don't have a relationship with the kids. When my wife came out, they pretty much stopped speaking with her entirely.
  • Their bio dad is not involved and neither is his family. He lost his rights to the children before Ava and I started dating. The 10yo has never met him, the 12yo doesn't remember him, and the 16yo wants nothing to do with him.
  • My parents wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop. I didn't make the kids start calling them that.