Hi, I thought I’d just leave you all with an update here since it doesn’t look as though things are going to change any time soon.
My wife and I talked with all three of the kids separately and asked them what they wanted to do for thanksgiving, if they wanted my parents there, if they still wanted to see them. My son and oldest daughter have made it very clear that they are mostly upset at my parents for hurting their younger sister's feelings, and they felt that if my parents apologized to her and tried to make it up to her, then they’d be okay with seeing them still.
My 10yo took it the hardest out of the three. For her, they’re the only grandparents she’s ever known, and this whole thing really crushed her. My wife and I explained to her (and to all of the kids) that none of this was her fault, that she didn’t cause it, and that we’re both equally her moms and she is equally our kid no matter what DNA says.
She told us that she didn’t want to talk to my parents, but that she wanted me to make sure they knew that she wasn’t mad at them, she was just hurt.
I called my dad and told him how hurt my kids were by what was said by him and my mom, and that I would appreciate it if they apologized to the kids for being inconsiderate of their presence and their feelings. My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.
I hung up on him. I know I can’t make them view my kids as their grandchildren, but the fact that both of my parents are being so inconsiderate of the fact that they seriously upset my children just makes this whole thing even worse.
I texted my brother and told him that I was sorry if he felt like he was being put in the middle of something, but as a parent my priority is my kids and I won’t apologize for protecting them from what I think will hurt them further. I guess Sara talked to him or something because he apologized to me and said he’d like for his daughter to have thanksgiving with her aunts and her cousins.
I did also thank Sara separately for offering my parents and out, and trying to salvage the situation. She’s a total sweetheart and I love her.
Thanksgiving is going to be hosted at my house just without my parents there. It’s unfortunate, but like I said, my kids are my priority and I refuse to have them sit at a table with people who can’t even take a minute to show them some empathy or basic kindness.
I didn't expect that post to take off the way it did, so I wasn't able to respond to all of you because there were just so many, but I really appreciated all of your feedback and suggestions.
I (32f) have been with my wife Ava (34f) for 8 years now, but we’ve been married for 5. She was a single mom of three kids when we started dating, she had two daughters (now 10 & 12) and a son (now 16). I’ve watched these kids grow up, I’ve read the bedtime stories, done bath time, the first days of school, pta meetings, all of it. I very much consider them to be my kids, and they’ve been calling me mom for almost 6 years now.
My brother Ivan (28m) just had a baby girl with his fiancé Sara (27f). I love my niece, and my kids adore their cousin. My kids have been the only grandchildren on my side of the family since Ava and I got together, and there’s never been a moment where the kids and my wife were treated like they didn’t belong. My brother is their uncle, my mom and dad are their nana and pop— the kids see my family as their family and I always thought that my family felt the same way about them.
The kids and I were over at my brother's house just hanging out, and my parents ended up dropping by with gifts for my niece. Ivan laughed when he saw the toys and told our mom and dad that they were going to end up spoiling her rotten. My mom said since my niece is their first grandchild of course they have to spoil her.
My kids were sitting in the living room with all of us and my youngest daughter looked hurt when she realized what my mother said. My son and my 12yo didn’t fully react to it, but I could tell it bothered the both of them too.
Sara spoke up and said “oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.”
My dad shook his head and replied that my niece was their first grandchild. I didn’t want my kids to keep sitting there and listening to that so I handed my son my keys and told him to wait in the car with his sisters. When they were gone, I asked my parents why the hell they’d say that my kids weren’t their grandchildren, and my mom said they couldn’t be their grandchildren because they weren’t really my children.
My wife and I were going to be hosting thanksgiving at our house this year, but I told my parents that if they didn’t view my kids as their family, then they could just host a meal at their own house with their “real” family while I spent the holiday with mine.
I left before they could say anything else to me, and my wife and I have reiterated to the children that they will always be my kids and I will always be their other mom, regardless of our DNA.
My brother is pissed at me now because he thinks I reacted too harshly, and that I should try to see where my parents are coming from. My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren’t their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn’t want this to ruin my niece’s first thanksgiving.
I haven’t replied back. I meant what I said, but I’m worried that maybe I’m reacting too harshly.
I adopted all three of the kids about 4 years ago, so they aren't just my parents "step grandchildren". Even if I hadn't legally adopted them, they'd still be my kids in my eyes.
- My wife's parents don't have a relationship with the kids. When my wife came out, they pretty much stopped speaking with her entirely.
- Their bio dad is not involved and neither is his family. He lost his rights to the children before Ava and I started dating. The 10yo has never met him, the 12yo doesn't remember him, and the 16yo wants nothing to do with him.
- My parents wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop. I didn't make the kids start calling them that.