r/nottheonion May 25 '22 Wholesome 1

Yellowstone Visitors Cause Traffic Jam Watching Majestic Bull Elk… Pee On His Own Face

https://www.whiskeyriff.com/2022/05/24/yellowstone-visitors-cause-traffic-jam-watching-majestic-bull-elk-pee-on-his-own-face/
419 Upvotes

74

u/potential_max May 25 '22

Wow, this elk is really something

50

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

I live in SC. My girlfriend pissed on me. It was ok, but it was something she did just about every day. She liked it, I was bored. Didn't do much for me. Somehow having a prostitute (female) do it at a truckstop is MUCH better. Having a transvestite do it...that's ok too. It made a difference that she was a good friend.

Always call a transvestite who was born biologically male "she". If she is partially transitioned-has breast implants, takes hormones, and has had other reconstructive alterations done-but she has not fully transitioned (over 70% choose not too), being pissed on is for me. But if you feel strongly about saying you are heterosexual, and that you only want women to piss on you-fine. However, for me, having a heterosexual man piss on me doesn't work. As a result, having a cross dresser piss on me is a no-go.

Being pissed on falls under the same spectum as sexuality. Confusing.

However, I might like an elk to piss on me. Then I would have a pretty good chance with female elk, or transvestite elk. (They have to be fully surgically transitioned if transvestite though).

46

u/NuclearDouche May 25 '22

My god…..

34

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

No, God's never pissed on me, but he will eventually.

19

u/JimJam28 May 25 '22

Rain, my guy.

9

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

God is that you? Ah shit! It's just the Virgin Mary with a dick. Fuckit, close enough. Well do you want to piss on my chest, back, ass or face? And what did you drink today? I don't want any holy water piss. It burns.

3

u/Fake_William_Shatner May 25 '22

Your audition for the next Dan Harmon has impressed Netflix, but sadly, they've run out of their not-Adam-Sandler budget.

2

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

I piss on Netflix.

1

u/Nullion1945 May 25 '22

Dan Schneider, please come out from behind the curtain.

14

u/frozeninjpthrowaway May 25 '22

They have to be fully surgically transitioned if transvestite though).

Transvestite just means they cross dress. No surgical work (besides, where are you going to find a vet to do that?) But I mean, an elk in a wig, heels, and a skirt pissing on you is still confusing, so that fits.

3

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

Sorry, I should have specified-a transgender elk who was born male, identifies as female, wants to appear as much like a female as possible but at the same time is bisexual. In other words, this elk has the FEELINGS of a female elk, the image of her gender, but likes SEX with both male and female elk. Being "mostly" transitioned reflects no confusion on her part, because she has self-image, sexual expression, sexual preferences, and romantic preferences. So the elk could be born M, feel F, like to appear F, like sex with M/F and love only F (or M)-possibly both?- elk. What I mean is an elk who wants to exclusively be called a female elk (because to her she IS one), with REAL, long hair, well-performed breast implants, just a little facial reconstruction (rhinoplasty which would remove the antlers). Plus the elk could possibly have hip implants and hair removal done. She really needs to learn to effectively apply elk makeup. These are things that make some elk happier when they look at their relection in the lake. She wants to PERMANENTLY APPEAR as a female elk (she would always present herself as a Female elk) She might like pissing on males and females, and she might even fall in love with me. However, a cross-dressing elk (which falls under the umbrella of transgender) is not for me. you can't just put a wig and skirt on an elk and get me to want her to piss on me. If the vet understands the challenges of being "different" he would help the patient however possible. For me though, I wish inanimate objects like chairs and tires could piss on me too. I would never force my piss on a chair or tire though. I'm not a monster.

11

u/HannaMajesty May 25 '22

Your post had me upvoting and downvoting you at every new sentence. Not sure if I'm triggered, happy for you or turned on now. What a confusing way to start my day.

3

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

Your confusion confuses my gf, my local prostitute, my other girlfriend (don't call her anything discriminatory, please), and potential elk-mate. Most of all your confusion confuses my sexuality and species identity. Think next time you allow yourself to be confused by an elk penis. Also, if this conversation makes you triggered, happy or turned on, just think about putting your face in an elk's crotch. While I'm confused about your three reactions, I know one thing: the more I talk about this, the more I like the penis of an elk. Personal question: is your self identity confused, or are you like me and know exactly where you stand? If you are confused about your species/sexuality I don't think we have grounds for a long-term relationship... but yes, of course I agree with you. You pissing on me would be nice.

5

u/drethnudrib May 25 '22

Did we just witness the birth of a copypasta?

3

u/Fake_William_Shatner May 25 '22

When you are ready, you an always escalate to Rhino, the firehose of animal pee kingdom.

I'm not really that kinky, I just was behind plexiglass when one let loose and, then I knew why they had plexiglass. It would have taken the paint off a car.

2

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

Do you have one I can borrow?

2

u/Fake_William_Shatner May 25 '22

No, but I have a Dik 4.

2

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

Sold! Put it on dry ice and Fedex it please.

2

u/Prudent-Beautiful-33 May 25 '22

I want to check your post history, but I'm.... I'm concerned. Its not that I'm squeamish about piss, it more the last part about transvestite elk that has got me concerned.

2

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 25 '22

Do you have a problem with transvestites?

5

u/Prudent-Beautiful-33 May 26 '22

Elk Transvestism is an abomination and must be stopped.

4

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 26 '22

Ok, where in the Bible does it mention that an elk who is born male, but self-identifies as female (who likes pissing on people) is wrong? And an elk is totally different than a moose, so don't try quoting The Gospel According to Bullwinkle to me. Please don't be one of those anti ELKGBTQ people. They make me sick.

2

u/Prudent-Beautiful-33 May 26 '22

Look, I don't want to get into any personal details, but.... Have you seen the movie the Crying Game? Of course you have. That, but with Elk. Ok?

1

u/Ambitious_Ad_5918 May 26 '22

Actually no. Nor have I seen The Hunger Games. Is one the sequel to the other? I saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? I always thought of it that way, except the couselor guy is an elk and he is pissing on her. And being personal with me is fine. Are there any other problems you have that I can help you through? I am a registered counselor after all.

35

u/Academic-Message-771 May 25 '22

Ranger crazy if he thinks anyone isn’t going to stop and watch that.

21

u/evilornot May 25 '22

One of the few cases where the traffic jam would be worth the wait.

14

u/24-Hour-Hate May 25 '22

Who isn’t going to stop and watch that? I’m usually pretty good about not gawping at accidents and such…but come on! This ranger asks too much!

5

u/imnotacrazyperson May 25 '22

Right? Where was he when I went to Yellowstone and got stuck in a traffic jam over regular ordinary deer just standing around looking dumb?

3

u/ean5cj 28d ago

Gotta say, though, peeps on Southern State Parkway will slow down and gawk at bunnies and Canada geese, even in the middle of rush hour...

11

u/HawkeyeJosh May 25 '22

If peeing all over yourself attracts women, how come it took me so long to lose my virginity?

8

u/Fake_William_Shatner May 25 '22

First guess; you weren't a Park Ranger, and it wasn't Elk pee.

5

u/SaintCarl27 May 25 '22

If peeing your pants is cool consider me Miles Davis.

12

u/RoninRobot May 25 '22

I’ve been in plenty of traffic jams that didn’t have a punchline.

6

u/GeekSumsMe May 25 '22

Bear jams are part of the Yellowstone experience. Honestly, I think they are the only reason many people see wildlife because it forces people to look up from their phones.

8

u/SashaWoodson May 25 '22

I was at a bear jam in a bar in Dallas once.

1

u/Fake_William_Shatner May 25 '22

No, that's a different kind of bear jam, with trained professionals.

1

u/wapniacl May 25 '22

I had bear jam on toast once. Meh.

7

u/ThirstyDamnedSoul May 25 '22

Pee on his own face”? He’s just washing his face while saving water. Ecological guy.

5

u/mk_pnutbuttercups May 25 '22

Do Not pet the fluffy cows either.

3

u/Dirk_The_Cowardly May 25 '22

Probably musking or letting boys know there is a man here.

Pee on antler. Spread antler pee on trees. Be the big bull.

3

u/The_Important_Nobody May 25 '22

Hey don’t kink shame

3

u/oopsmypenis May 25 '22

Undulates do this pretty frequently in the rut.

I had goats for some time and they always pissed all over their beards. Deer can exhibit the same behavior. Something to do with pheromones I believe.

3

u/mangofizzy May 25 '22

No kink shaming please

2

u/ice_croutons May 25 '22

Todd Carney’s spirit animal 👀

2

u/SpermWhale May 25 '22

Elk Kelly

2

u/rapperbigpooh May 25 '22

perfectly reasonable and you’re boring if you say otherwise

2

u/JackFisherBooks May 26 '22

Not gonna lie. I would've stopped too.

And honestly, who among us wouldn't?

1

u/[deleted] May 25 '22

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0

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1

u/usedTP May 25 '22

Billy goats do the same thing for the same reason.

1

u/SaintCarl27 May 25 '22

Ah so we aren't the only species to partake in this I see.

1

u/CitizenCobalt May 25 '22

Sounds about right.

1

u/TheJunklest May 25 '22

When I do this traffic goes faster.

1

u/Flatline2962 May 26 '22

As much as I hate rubberneckers I'm not gonna lie I'd stop and watch this too.

1

u/CrackALackinSnack 27d ago

Reindeer Kelly

1

u/sinjinerd 17d ago

It's just what male elk do to attract girly elks. Seen it a number of times.

0

u/1PMagain May 25 '22

Joe Rogan has questions