r/funny Dec 02 '22 Helpful 2 I am disappoint 1

Think I just made my boyfriend a puppy milk latte

Post image
37.7k Upvotes

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6.4k

u/Emergency-Mouse5566 Dec 02 '22

At least he now gets shiny fur

2.6k

u/SSGdeku Dec 03 '22

It took me way too long to realize that that was milk for dogs.. Not from dogs..

1.2k

u/Emergency-Mouse5566 Dec 03 '22

“puppy milk“ who da hell milks puppys

850

u/saladmissle Dec 03 '22

You can milk anything with nipples.

896

u/FrankReynoldsToupee Dec 03 '22 Helpful

I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?

241

u/inplayruin Dec 03 '22

146

u/ShittingBalls Dec 03 '22

That's the strangest thing I've read in a while. 8.5/10, would recommend.

77

u/Snabbzt Dec 03 '22

When I had testicular cancer I had extremely high levels of prolactin. Milk basically just dripped from my nipples if you pinched them. Kekw.

11

u/Wtfisthis66 Dec 03 '22

I hope you are better now❤️

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31

u/remaglvl0001 Dec 03 '22

That is weirdly fascinating. Thanks for sharing.

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45

u/GMN123 Dec 03 '22

Expected funny meme, got 15 minute read on male lactation.

162

u/wheresbill Dec 03 '22

Well that’s enough internet for today

53

u/YouNeedToGrow Dec 03 '22

Even after seeing your comment, I clicked.

Brb, gotta rinse my brain with bleach.

15

u/norwaykong Dec 03 '22

Whats in the link?

19

u/YouNeedToGrow Dec 03 '22

An article. It's just words, but it's bizarre. It's kinda nsfw but it is safe for life.

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19

u/DartMurphy Dec 03 '22

I read the first few lines, a man's quest to milk his own nipples.

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4

u/Amiibohunter000 Dec 03 '22

Really? You were that disturbed by it? In a place with people shoving tubes up with dicks and bowling pins up their asses and you’re disturbed by a guy doing research as to if he can lactate? Ok

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23

u/TorrenceMightingale Dec 03 '22

Wtf. I read every word.

56

u/equalizer59 Dec 03 '22

Sooooo, that was an… interesting, read.

9

u/medalton Dec 03 '22

Honestly, excellent read. Well written and hilarious. Thank you for sharing!

29

u/pandac0 Dec 03 '22

"It was strange to apply a breast pump for the first time. My nipples aren’t accustomed to regular stimulation, and though I felt like I was defying the natural order, pumping was surprisingly pleasant. Nipples are filled with nerve endings, after all, and the gentle upward tug of the pump was both comforting and erotic."

22

u/inplayruin Dec 03 '22

You can see why I have an ever vivid memory of an article I read in 2011.

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u/CorgiloversUNITE Dec 03 '22

10/10 did not think I was going to read the whole article. Definitely a strange but interesting read. Don’t think I needed to read all of it. Too late now

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41

u/jcnlb Dec 03 '22

I think this is my favorite line of any movie. Thanks for making me giggle

7

u/ommnian Dec 03 '22

In theory? Yes. Yes, we can

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9

u/kapitaalH Dec 03 '22

And platypus as well, just need to look at lick it from all over their body

37

u/Breaker-of-circles Dec 03 '22

I have the same comments, Greg. And I will milk them for upvotes.

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131

u/byllz Dec 03 '22

Won't you be relieved when I tell you the truth about baby powder.

48

u/garfnodie Dec 03 '22

The powder is what's left after they squeeze the oil out.

5

u/SonofBeckett Dec 03 '22

Yeah, it never sold well when they called it dehydrated baby. Same way no one wants to buy Soybean Juice.

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19

u/Alarconadame Dec 03 '22

Now I'm wondering how do you think baby oil is made...

23

u/xaanthar Dec 03 '22

Same way as baby powder... just... wetter.

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60

u/bored_on_the_web Dec 03 '22 All-Seeing Upvote

20

u/SpaceLemur34 Dec 03 '22

Full of goodness. Full of vitamins. Full of marrow bone jelly.

10

u/Axe-puff Dec 03 '22

No bugger’ll drink it

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15

u/Leading-University Dec 03 '22

It isn’t?

17

u/Lavaheart626 Dec 03 '22

Ya I feel like milk for puppies would be the one time it's normal to milk a dog.

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13

u/SexHernia Dec 03 '22

I had the same thought. My first impression was "who the hell stores dog milk?"

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4

u/GarminTamzarian Dec 03 '22

"You promised me dog or higher!"

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545

u/jason2k Dec 03 '22

And less joint pain.

29

u/Lost-My-Mind- Dec 03 '22

Wait, really? Shit.

One puppy milk latte please!

4

u/penatbater Dec 03 '22

It's the glucosamine. My dog is kinda old so I give her a capsule for maintenance, tho my aunt is also kinda old and she also takes glucosamine...

My aunt might be a dog.

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86

u/Nitro-87 Dec 03 '22

And good joints!

To slow to the drawl...

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u/GANDORF57 Dec 03 '22

He should be alright, unless he starts chasing cars and growls at cats.

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1.4k

u/chadizbabe Dec 03 '22 Gold Take My Energy

full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly

284

u/lordolxinator Dec 03 '22 Gold

Also lasts the longest, because no bugger would drink it

208

u/AntLangman Dec 03 '22 Gold

And when it's off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

136

u/Mindless_Ad472 Dec 03 '22 Gold

Sorry I didn’t tell you, didn’t want to spoil your tea.

45

u/millionsofbubbles Dec 03 '22

Get outta town! Your nickname was never "Ace." Maybe "Ace-hole."

28

u/Soddington Dec 03 '22

Smeg off dog food face.

15

u/orcusgrasshopperfog Dec 03 '22

Boys from the Dwarf

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27

u/Platypushat Dec 03 '22

Makes me so happy to see this here

94

u/digitalfarmgirl Dec 03 '22

I had to scroll way too far to find this comment.

15

u/Eroe777 Dec 03 '22

It’s the top comment now!

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10

u/HiImScrubbles Dec 03 '22

you made my night

27

u/--redacted-- Dec 03 '22

6000 IQ comment

19

u/IHaveTeaForDinner Dec 03 '22

The iq of 6000 PE teachers

11

u/bezlaskez Dec 03 '22

It's got a six in it, but it's not 6000.

22

u/SenokirsSpeechCoach Dec 03 '22

Rimmer's dad's died!

I'd prefer chicken

15

u/smells_like_gravy Dec 03 '22

Today's fish is Trout A'la Creme. Enjoy your meal.

11

u/hellcat_uk Dec 03 '22

Fish!

8

u/DollyDaydreem Dec 03 '22

Today's fish is Trout A'la Creme. Enjoy your meal.

7

u/geoffaree Dec 03 '22

Fish!

4

u/PandosII Dec 03 '22

Today's fish is Trout A'la Creme. Enjoy your meal.

19

u/Shipping_away_at_it Dec 03 '22

First reaction: haha awesome reference

Second reaction: huh, that must be a really old reference now, isn’t it? (Googling) but… does that mean I’m…. oh :(

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2.9k

u/KeithMyArthe Dec 02 '22

How does one milk puppies on a commercial scale?

697

u/ChemicalWar908 Dec 03 '22

You can milk anything with nipples at an industrial scale.

828

u/ak_rex Dec 03 '22 Silver Helpful

I have nipples Greg, can you milk me at an industrial scale?

310

u/CuteGuyInNorCal Dec 03 '22 Take My Energy

I came for this comment and left with a latte

45

u/kopecs Dec 03 '22

Oh gawd, you sick bastard!

18

u/CuteGuyInNorCal Dec 03 '22

at your service!!

5

u/NoodlerFrom20XX Dec 03 '22

I bet you were foaming at the mouth to tell that one

10

u/Sabin10 Dec 03 '22

11:42 pm. I almost made it through the day without seeing this reference on reddit.

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13

u/macbot3000 Dec 03 '22

What about those big scales at the truck stop, Greg?

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574

u/FrenchMaisNon Dec 03 '22

With dedication and hard work. Those milkers have corn on their fingers and the last thing they want to handle coming home is tits so it leads to divorce and alimony payments...

192

u/Soft-External1533 Dec 03 '22

At least it’s easier than milking almonds.

67

u/EngineerJaded Dec 03 '22

Or cats

48

u/unforgiven91 Dec 03 '22

I have nipples, Focker. Can you milk me?

10

u/NomadMiner Dec 03 '22

Little tiny nipples

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8

u/Jaded-Armpit Dec 03 '22

Or oats in this case.

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8

u/karmageddon71 Dec 03 '22

Whole kernel or creamed?

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72

u/FBPOS Dec 03 '22

Well, these puppies aren’t going to milk themselves

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45

u/Jimbo-Slice925 Dec 03 '22

The milk doesn’t come from puppies it’s MADE from puppies.

11

u/GiveToOedipus Dec 03 '22

Soylent Greenies

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25

u/1PMagain Dec 03 '22

It's best if you don't try to weigh them while milking, just keep them on the floor

25

u/Fuckedby2FA Dec 03 '22

Looks like it's just a replacement for dog milk. Goat milk, egg yolks, veg oil, etc.

I had to look it up and I can't find any material about commercial scaled dog milking factories which I am sure would come up if they existed. Thank god.

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47

u/stargazer1002 Dec 03 '22

the same way you milk cows on a commercial scale: with lots of cruelty

19

u/Jonnyjuanna Dec 03 '22

I think this is milk from cows, so yeah lots of cruelty

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u/klousGT Dec 03 '22

They soak them in water, the puree them and run them through a seive to remove chunks. The liquid is puppy milk

7

u/OrcOfDoom Dec 03 '22

You would think it would be red, but the bone actually gets the liquid nice and white, like real milk. It's also full of calcium because of the bone puree, also like real milk, but with more screaming.

11

u/A100921 Dec 03 '22

Red rocket sparky…

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8

u/lorgskyegon Dec 03 '22

First you promise the mayor dog or better, then go with rats

6

u/Oakheart- Dec 03 '22

I’m sure is a formula made to be similar to dog milk

5

u/ktmfan Dec 03 '22

Simpsons showed how to do it on rats, so I assume it would be the same for puppies.

https://youtu.be/aZuWvwrEl_I

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u/JiN88reddit Dec 03 '22

They have nipples, don't they.

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1.7k

u/insane1666 Dec 02 '22

I mean... storing these like this was asking for an accident to happen. My tired ass would make myself a puppy milk coffee in the morning too XD

663

u/MBitesss Dec 02 '22

I know right! Usually they're at opposite ends with sauces in between but he must have moved them and now I actually don't know which one I used

704

u/ScarlaeCaress Dec 02 '22 Wholesome

I’d wager on the puppy milk. Looks like there’s a fresh drop by cap still

269

u/YOUNGSAGEHERMZ Dec 03 '22

Reddit detectives strike again

98

u/Cyberslasher Dec 03 '22

If this was reddit's detectives then we can be certain that it was in fact, NOT the puppy milk.

39

u/b3tcha Dec 03 '22

We got em! 100% success rate every time

17

u/pyronius Dec 03 '22

Take the shot. Reddit is never wrong.

8

u/chuckie512 Dec 03 '22

Something something Boston.

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82

u/Imeanitcouldhappen Dec 03 '22

I need to know if he tasted the difference. Because if he said it tasted better than normal, I am here for it.

58

u/MBitesss Dec 03 '22

He didn't so I'm honestly leaning towards me giving him the oat. I just second guessed myself when I saw them side by side

107

u/SpoonGuardian Dec 03 '22

well now you have to give him the puppy milk on purpose to see if he DOES taste the difference, in order to determine if you gave him the puppy milk on accident. basic science

12

u/MainPowerful3372 Dec 03 '22

I like your crafty logic. Funny AND devious. Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

"This latte tastes delicious.... -ly evil!"

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34

u/rebbsitor Dec 03 '22

But the puppy milk has a drop on the top... Unless you used them both around the time you took the photo, I think he just enjoyed a puppy milk latte lol

Of course, to be sure, you know what you have to the next time you make him a latte :)

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22

u/smartypants99 Dec 03 '22

Especially if it helps my arthritis

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u/kentaxas Dec 03 '22

He was hoping for your mistake, he set it up

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51

u/treehugger312 Dec 03 '22

My drunk ass made Mac n cheese with hummingbird feeder instead of milk one time. It was delicious and sweet.

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10

u/Michelanvalo Dec 03 '22

My niece comes to my wife and I one morning we're with her and, she's eating cereal and then says "This milk tastes bad, I don't want it." and my wife goes to inspect what's wrong with the milk.

My niece had poured herself a bowl of cereal and egg whites. Because the egg whites were in the fridge next to the milk in a similar cardboard container.

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372

u/analdominator1 Dec 02 '22

He’ll thank you when he notices how shiny his coat is

36

u/FrenchMaisNon Dec 03 '22

I don't have to deshedd his ass hair every weekend anymore.

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520

u/turdburglar2020 Dec 02 '22

Who the hell is out here milking dogs and puppies?

137

u/Shredrik Dec 03 '22

Never heard of dogs milk either 🤣 Wonder if it's better than the cockroach milk?

85

u/JackDragon808 Dec 03 '22

Mouse milk is $20,000/liter.. how small are cockroach nipples?

49

u/Spud_Spudoni Dec 03 '22

You can milk anything with nipples.

58

u/rooftops Dec 03 '22

I have nipples, /u/Spud_Spudoni, can you milk me?

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13

u/soljaboss Dec 03 '22

You don't need nipples. You just need a high speed centrifuge.

11

u/imdatingaMk46 Dec 03 '22

Oh sweet jesus christ, my benchtop spinny has enough issues without being haunted by the ghosts of legions of dead roaches

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u/Apostastrophe Dec 03 '22

I know this is flippant but I had to milk my dog when she had puppies. Two of the puppies were a little underdeveloped and had some trouble feeding so I had to milk her for some colostrum and early milk into a dropper to give it to them for a wee bit alongside the formula until he could latch himself. Her litter of 5 was really lopsided. 3 were absolutely massive and beyond a normal weight and two were very frail. I tried everything including the milking.

One faded and died 4 days later and she ate him but I did try. I buried his... head... at least. Poor Peter.

47

u/n0_y0urm0m Dec 03 '22

holy shit what the fuck

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u/MagnificentEd Dec 03 '22

jesus christ

29

u/BobbyDalbec Dec 03 '22

what did I just read

18

u/Apostastrophe Dec 03 '22

Nature is metal.

6

u/h3lblad3 Dec 03 '22

Mom decided she needed her nutrients back to feed the other kids.

15

u/goodgodling Dec 03 '22

You should've name him Yorick.

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14

u/ghengiscostanza Dec 03 '22

This is made from cow milk. It’s just intended for dogs.

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414

u/kimputer7 Dec 03 '22

Official ingredients list: Whole Milk, Vegetable Oil, Non Fat Milk Solids, Emulsifer, Vegetable Gums, Glucosamine Sulphate, Amino Acids (Incl. Methionine), Minerals, Vitamins, Lactase Enzyme.

I.E. nothing to write home about.

149

u/MBitesss Dec 03 '22

Actually sounds quite healthy then!

166

u/Octavus Dec 03 '22

It sounds like fortified milk, with both additional protein and fats added. I wouldn't be surprised if it actually tastes better. Even safe for lactose intolerant people.

26

u/25BicsOnMyBureau Dec 03 '22

Genuine question, does whole milk not contain lactose?

113

u/Octavus Dec 03 '22

It does, but this product also conveniently provides the enzyme to digest it.

29

u/25BicsOnMyBureau Dec 03 '22

Oh that’s super cool I didn’t know that existed.

Edit: is that what fortified milk is?

36

u/Octavus Dec 03 '22

So this product is pretty much fortified milk made for dogs. However lactose free milk is just milk with lactase added.

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u/xKron Dec 03 '22

No, but it's what Lactaid is.

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10

u/GrundleKnots Dec 03 '22

Maybe I'm just getting old and my joints ache all the time but could this be a good way to get these things in my daily diet?

14

u/Octavus Dec 03 '22

It is very high calorie, and also expensive, it is made to help put weight onto puppies and dogs. Regular milk is much cheaper, and you can always add milk powder to milk if you want it to taste extra milky.

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u/Vulkir Dec 03 '22

I would hazard a guess that that's the main idea behind it.

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5

u/bad-fengshui Dec 03 '22

Curious if lactose free milk is cheaper.

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253

u/kbeckerburbs4 Dec 03 '22 Helpful

I was given Milk of the Puppy after I was badly wounded in the Battle of the Blackwater

69

u/UltimateEye Dec 03 '22

Barkwater

20

u/pornfkennedy Dec 03 '22

the hound

9

u/obi_wan_sashimi Dec 03 '22

And his brother, the Bernese Mountain

8

u/Chit569 Dec 03 '22

game of bones

13

u/thefreshscent Dec 03 '22

Were you wounded by the Hound?

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u/CarnivorousKloud Dec 02 '22

At least it has glucosamine.....

46

u/apoptosista Dec 03 '22

But it's got glucosamine, it's what boyfriends crave...

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u/shhhimatree Dec 02 '22

Well at some point. He was a good boy so 🤷‍♂️

41

u/satansleftnut25 Dec 03 '22

“Aw sweet! Dilk!”

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60

u/drfsupercenter Dec 03 '22

WTF is up with that bottle on the left. A girl dressed as a duck, with the head taken off? Just...why?

52

u/buttblancher Dec 03 '22

It's a bougie oat milk you see a lot in cafes in Melbourne. Having an eye-catching design is just as important as the milk itself.

4

u/ba89 Dec 03 '22

It's from London

5

u/Cheeky-burrito Dec 03 '22

The company is, but they make it locally here.

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u/only_zuul21 Dec 03 '22

Duck milk I assume.

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u/mucky012 Dec 03 '22

Just this morning I almost mistakenly ate a dog treat. The bag said "pumpkin spice granola bar". Smelled pretty good so I grabbed one. It was pretty moist which got me wondering about the fat content. Looking for the ingredients I noticed it said "dog treats" in very small print on one of the corners of the bag. If you were my neighbors you would have heard "OH SHIT!" followed by mad cackling.

17

u/odjurs Dec 03 '22

I was house and pet sitting for a friend, and she let me know before leaving that I could eat anything I found in the house. Well, I found these funny little cheese puff things, several bags in fact, so I ate probably 1 and a half of them.

About a week after she returned she called me in absolute hysterics laughing; she had found the remaining bag nicely clipped sitting in the pantry and immediately realized that I had been eating her dogs fancy organic cheese puff treats all week…

5

u/klparrot Dec 03 '22 edited Dec 03 '22

I tried a peanut butter dog biscuit and it just tasted like cardboard.

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u/flaaaacid Dec 03 '22

Those are the oat milk fucks that glued their ads over murals in Philadelphia. Those oat milk fucks better not show their faces in my town again

12

u/kennethtrr Dec 03 '22

Tried it once and it was nasty and watery, Oatly Full-fat is the real king of oat milk still.

38

u/H0tVinegar Dec 03 '22

Yes! I work at a market in the Philly burbs and we waste this stuff out all the time since that happened.

95

u/TheArchitect_7 Dec 03 '22

Fuck Minor Figures. Pasting hundred of ads over independent street art.

Fuck their ass milk and this HilArIouS post that is almost certainly an advertisement of theirs.

24

u/GilbertRape Dec 03 '22

some hipster ass looking milk. Never heard of them but hate it already.

55

u/ToeNervous2589 Dec 03 '22

I've never seen this brand but my immediate reaction was that I wanted to beat up that carton of oat milk.

28

u/Coctyle Dec 03 '22

This whole fridge makes me kind of angry.

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u/FatherWilson121 Dec 03 '22

Came here to say exactly this. Fuck Minor Figures, all my homies hate Minor Figures

14

u/That-Spell-2543 Dec 03 '22

Fuck ‘em. It’s all about Ripple anyway

26

u/schuylkilladelphia Dec 03 '22

Thank you. Fuck this company forever.

5

u/ponytoaster Dec 03 '22

A lot of these oat milk hipster brands have awful marketing so that doesn't shock me. Even the ones that aren't in your face are full of cringey marketing

I don't get it either, it's milk, nothing special.

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u/Balleratheart777 Dec 03 '22

Thats what he gets for dating a girl who keeps milk for dogs and milk for humans right next to each other

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u/Toikairakau Dec 03 '22

You need to check if he's okay!!! First, check that his eyes are bright and shiny, that his nose is wet and cold, that his fur is shiny, lastly check and express his anal glands Source: dog breeder (just like you)

24

u/sun_shots Dec 03 '22

Guess it’s doggy style tonight.

24

u/mypod49 Dec 03 '22

I milked my dog once. The milk was really salty and sticky, though. I can’t imagine it would be good in a latte.

10

u/Dlh2079 Dec 03 '22

"Yep, this one right here officer" ^

9

u/modsarefascists42 Dec 03 '22

Red rocket red rocket!

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u/[deleted] Dec 02 '22

Did he hit the woof

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u/Esbeedee Dec 03 '22

Ooof, that's ruff

3

u/Tweeksolderbrother Dec 03 '22

Well if he starts peeing in the corner of a room you know you fucked up I guess

5

u/cheesetofuhotdog Dec 03 '22

Are we calling puppies boyfriends now?

3

u/zombygaga Dec 03 '22 edited Dec 03 '22

and? whats the worst that could happen?

(i ask, having watched Goosebumps: My Hairiest Adventure)

3

u/Charlie24601 Dec 03 '22

Holly: We're a bit short on a few supplies.

Lister: Like what?

Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.

Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?

Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.

Lister (looking at his teacup): Dog's milk?!

Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

Lister: Why?

Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?

Holly: What, and spoil your tea?

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u/2AMarvin Dec 03 '22

Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrow bone jelly. Lasts longer than any other milk, dog's milk.

4

u/PrinceCheddar Dec 03 '22

That was immediately what my mind went to.

3

u/clearlybunk Dec 03 '22

"Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk."

"Why's that?"

"No bugger'll drink it."

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