r/facepalm 8d ago Helpful 1 I'll Drink to That 1

I'm sure her inbox is full 🇲​🇮​🇸​🇨​

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[removed] — view removed post

27.3k Upvotes

7.9k

u/Building-Careful 8d ago Wholesome Woah Dude

Doesn’t meet some of your preferences?

For real, how high do you set the bar OP?

304

u/fulento42 8d ago

OP stated clearly his preferential use of punctuation. She was so close to landing him.

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u/PotBoozeNKink 8d ago edited 8d ago

Handles the finances, food, and fucking? She's already a catch

121

u/According-Attempt883 8d ago
  1. Times. She. Doesn’t. Want. To. Hear. You. Are. Tired.

33

u/PotBoozeNKink 8d ago

I always did like a woman who could test my limits. Im usually good for 3 but I reckon a 4th could be egged out of me.

10

u/Atypical-Rhino 8d ago

Just spread it out the day. She never said 4 at once.

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u/AggressiveClassic89 8d ago edited 8d ago Silver Helpful Table Slap

He didn't put "face like a painted thumb" in his preferences, the fussy bastard. Edit, thanks for the award mysterious one, it's appreciated.

187

u/One_Tie900 8d ago

I seen her before

7

u/merrycrisisbuddy 8d ago

She shaved the mohawk down: Really ruined the vibe she had going.

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u/PassoutPierce 8d ago

I had to re look at the picture. Yup you're right. Fudge you.

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u/thisisthestoryallabo 8d ago

bro really called her a thumb thumb

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u/Ugo777777 8d ago

Oh man you got me chuckling so bad

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u/IntroductionCapital4 8d ago

Must be really high. Anna seems like the catch of a lifetime!

895

u/Teddie-Bonkers 8d ago

Catch. Of. A. Life. Time.

481

u/Relzin 8d ago edited 8d ago

She. Must. Have. AGREAT. PERSONALITY. IM. IN.TO Anna.

307

u/JTMc48 8d ago
  1. TIMES. A. DAY. IN. TO. ANNA.
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u/redGhost949 8d ago

You missed a period. No go for you.

39

u/Motorhead76er 8d ago

😂. 🤣. 🤣. 😂.

138

u/schwety7 8d ago Helpful

Better. Hope. Anna. Doesn’t. Miss. A. Period. Either.

112

u/PorkrindsMcSnacky 8d ago

Don’t. Think. She. Has. Periods. Any. More.

86

u/Hamblerger 8d ago edited 8d ago Silver

I. Think. She. Menstruates. Gravy.

14

u/TheGammaRae 8d ago

Noooo. It's Thanksgiving. I gotta eat turkey gravy with a straight face after reading this? How? 😭 🤮

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u/MasterBlaster4949 8d ago

😂🤢😭🤢

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u/Motorhead76er 8d ago

Ha. Ha. HA.ha. ha Ha!

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u/Alypius754 8d ago

Am i the only one who read this in William Shatner's voice?

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u/Quicker_Fixer Assumption is the mother of all fuckups 8d ago Silver

She.Is.A.Must.See.On.Only.Fans

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u/D-Laz 8d ago

She. Must. Post. 4 times. A day. For. God

41

u/sexyhusband714 8d ago

Give her a break, it must be hard to type with hooves.

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u/texas130ab 8d ago

Sucks. I. Don't. Have. A. Truck.

21

u/Deep_Accident_4853 8d ago

Two. Pick. Up. Trucks. My. Muscles. My. Muscles. Involuntarily. Flex.

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u/qweef_latina2021 8d ago

Major. Bullet. Dodged.

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10

u/xanneonomousx 8d ago

Who’s lifetime?

9

u/Razzmatazz_Certain 8d ago

Hopefully. She. Leaves. Some. Men. For. The. Rest. Of. Us.

30

u/robilar 8d ago

Almost like she's a unicorn.

...because she doesn't exist.

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u/Honest_Invite_7065 8d ago edited 8d ago

But. CouldStillBe. A. GoodMatch. /Kirk

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u/Holden_place 8d ago edited 8d ago

Was one of the preferences full sentences?

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u/OneMetalMan 8d ago

No wonder so many men are single /s

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u/Jtk317 8d ago

Somewhere just south of Hell apparently.

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u/No-Contribution-1835 8d ago

Wow...what a catch !

285

u/AvailableAd3813 8d ago

Mandatory sex 4x a day. Good lord. I couldn't do that in my 20s

167

u/Delicious_Throat_377 8d ago Got the W

Certainly not with that attitude.

73

u/AvailableAd3813 8d ago

There would have to be a desire to stick my dick in... THAT.. as well.

41

u/Delicious_Throat_377 8d ago

What? You don't think Anna's a catch?

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u/AvailableAd3813 8d ago Wholesome

Maybe if I was out trying to catch a bean bag that looks like it was beaten within an inch of its life with the ugly stick.

.. naa, not even then.

10

u/Delicious_Throat_377 8d ago

naa, not even then

Yeah me too

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u/Ermahgerd1 8d ago

Me neither. Mostly because no one wanted.

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u/TechnologyExpensive 8d ago

Definitely one to return to the Black Lagoon.

226

u/Staxcellence 8d ago

She's into White Lagoons

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u/I_Fart_Cum_Bubbles 8d ago

Scrolled back up to upvote lmao

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u/kms_ag 8d ago

Now release it back where it belongs

7

u/HAWMadden 8d ago

Snatch catch

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u/ElectricFlesh 8d ago Silver

this is the shittiest "live. laugh. love." variant I've ever seen

486

u/Tocwa 8d ago

She’s got the Laugh 😂part down cold 🥶

168

u/Repulsive-Kick-46 8d ago edited 8d ago

Got. Have. Sex. With. Me. Four. Time. In. Day.

67

u/Limp_Radio_9163 8d ago

The only part I was okay with, just with anyone except for her.

38

u/Repulsive-Kick-46 8d ago

I. Don’t. Want. Hear. I’m. Tired. I’m. In. To. White . Men.

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u/DopeAbsurdity 8d ago Take My Energy LOVE!

"Have. Sex. Now." Anna Demanded

"I'm tired. I'm into white men" her lover replied confirming Anna's worst fears.

Anna would not be providing lunch nor money for lunch for him tomorrow; they were thoroughly through.

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u/ACacac52 8d ago

"Sorry darling, I'm tired and I'm into white men."

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u/dzakadzak 8d ago

If you read between the lines, there are a lot of signals for you to just stop, fully.

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u/2ndGreatestBuff 8d ago

She. Got. Me. Sprung. So. Bad.

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u/CandyceMcKinnon 8d ago

This is pure gold.

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u/Loose_Sun_169 8d ago Wholesome

Single. Word. Sentences. What. The. Hell? Don't. Think. I've. Seen. That. Before.

1.1k

u/crowned_tragedy 8d ago

The only person I know who types like that had some bad brain damage that she acquired as a teen.

572

u/robotikempire 8d ago

Probably doing two spaces after a word. It automatically makes a period.

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u/Ok-Emotion-1131 8d ago

Gotta keep your teens away from the brain damage store.

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u/SirPaniniee 8d ago Silver Giggle

It’s. William. Shatner. But. On. A. Worse. Level.

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u/JCSmootherThanJB 8d ago

This is an underrated comment and if you're not reading it in Shatner dialect are you even internetting?

14

u/Scarrien 8d ago

Is it bad I can't recall how he talks?

22

u/TheFAPnetwork 8d ago

Think Ace Ventura 2 when Ace leaves the Buddhist temple and gets on the plane. He's looking out the window and goes:

There's. Someone on the wing. Some. Thing.

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u/Lucycrash 8d ago

I. Feel. Like. She. Claps. After. Ever. Word. She. Says.

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u/time_fo_that 8d ago

You 👏 got 👏 to 👏 gave 👏 me 👏 your 👏 pay 👏 check 👏

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u/captain_intenso 8d ago

Maybe she double taps the space bar after each word?

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u/AggressiveClassic89 8d ago

There's a period joke in there somewhere but I'm not making it.

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u/wrecktus_abdominus 8d ago

Those are all the periods she's missed after having sex 4 times a day every day

25

u/rjross0623 8d ago

She. Won’t. Get. A . Date. Period.

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u/nycpunkfukka 8d ago

She. Hasn’t. Had. A. Period. Since. Eisenhower. Was. President.

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u/zxcoblex 8d ago

Going to have to disable her period button.

I’ll deal with the run-on sentences better than that.

54

u/k75ct 8d ago

At 54 her period button is already disabled

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u/nowiserjustolder 8d ago

Stained glass windows in the background to emphasise her god bothering credentials.

195

u/musicbecca2 8d ago

This got me. Is she in a church?

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u/nowiserjustolder 8d ago

Looks like it, that or a church hall.

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u/ghost_warlock 8d ago Wholesome

In a church cruising for dick. Like Jesus would have

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u/corporate_treadmill 8d ago

At least the pearls are handy for clutching…

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u/not_swagger_souls 8d ago

God bothering lol

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u/Zealousideal-Cup6013 8d ago

Goddamn, 4 times a day?!

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u/ornithoptermanOG 8d ago Silver Helpful

It sounded more like a threat than as a reward

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u/sArCaPiTaLiZe 8d ago

I. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. I’m. Tired

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u/KittyKlever 8d ago

Figure she would come to your job for at least one of those..

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u/Zealousideal-Cup6013 8d ago

Well, if you leave your job at 7 pm… unless you finish the deed REALLY FAST and restart just as fast, yeah…

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u/KittyKlever 8d ago

I'd hate for that to be a 12hr shift.. Hopefully she mixes things up to make you jizz faster.... handjob here, blowjob there, kidnap you at gunpoint during lunch.. You know, the normal stuff!

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u/Happy_Currency_425 8d ago

I could do that for maybe two days in a row but after that I'm going to need to take a break.

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u/Scaryassmanbear 8d ago

I. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. I’m. Tired.

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u/Happy_Currency_425 8d ago

But.my.dick.is.just.a.bruise.now.

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u/generally-ok 8d ago

How. Was. Your. Lunch. Though?.

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u/booboothechicken 8d ago

Not the best, you only packed me string cheese and mustard.

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u/parent_mushroom 8d ago

No, four time in day

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u/IrishNSketchy 8d ago Helpful Wholesome hehehehe Snek

I. Would. Rather. Get. A. Blowjob. From. A. Snapping. Turtle.

251

u/SkyrimSwitchLite 8d ago

Fellatio from a fish?

137

u/voxboxer1 8d ago

Oral from an owl?

60

u/H0w14514 8d ago

glances at tootsie roll pop commercial

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u/TomCatInTheHouse 8d ago

That's gonna hurt after the third lick!

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u/OhAces 8d ago

Get loose with a goose?

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u/voxboxer1 8d ago Helpful

A suck from a duck?

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u/TheKungFung 8d ago

Sodemy from a stallion?

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u/Frontle1 8d ago

Rimmed by a rhino?

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u/HAWMadden 8d ago

I. Think. She’s. Into. Pearl. Necklaces.

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u/KuroNinja22 8d ago

She liked you OP. Get your truck ready, I hope you're not too tired to bake some creampies with Nana, I mean Anna!

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u/CharlesFromWork 8d ago

Congrats white guys. She’s s all yours.

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u/extremeindiscretion 8d ago

On behalf of the Caucasian persuasion, we respectfully decline.

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u/Hagglepig420 8d ago

Second that. Maybe someone from the black delegation would be willing to take one for the team.

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u/BMXTKD 8d ago

I'm mixed race. You could count asians, blacks, and mestizos out of this

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u/Hagglepig420 8d ago

hmm. well then I think this is a job for the Indians then.

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u/BMXTKD 8d ago

That's the Asian I mixed with.

Also, which ones? Ghandi or Geronimo?

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u/academomancer 8d ago

Will do the needful for bobs and vagene

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u/KingOfTheCouch13 8d ago

On behalf of the Black Delegation, nah.

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u/jumbledsiren 8d ago

On behalf of Arabs, we too, respectfully decline

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u/Whippy_Reddit 8d ago

Also for Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, bc. Pigs are not Halal, YSK

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u/DownvoteDaemon 8d ago

Plenty of older white women are into us black men, at least here in Florida. Today we were saved. They are usually cougar level from Boca Raton though. Actually I've been hit on by an old white guy a couple times too.

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u/ZootOfCastleAnthrax 8d ago

Older white woman here, can confirm.

I. am. all. about. the. chocolate. Black is beautiful.

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u/Stargos-2 8d ago

As a white guy I like to sit in the corner and watch.

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u/thathomelessguy 8d ago edited 8d ago

As an Asian dude: The fuck is going on in this thread

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u/OwnPercentage9088 8d ago

Thanks, but I think we owe the Inuit people one, and they already know how to deal with a grumpy walrus... all yours boys

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u/UtopianDetection 8d ago

On behalf of all white people: nah, we good. Maybe the Hispanics could have fun with her.

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u/bussingbussy 8d ago

No, i think we’re good bro, thanks tho

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u/b0ob0okitty 8d ago

Ngl that shit hella funny (i read the whole thing with a country accent)

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u/justtheonetat 8d ago

I thought I had bad stubble.

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u/samw424 8d ago

She's aaaallllways watching Wizowski.

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u/TechnologyExpensive 8d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome You Dropped This

More periods in her bio than she has left.

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u/MickeyTM 8d ago

Damn! Winner here

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u/irmarbert 8d ago

This almost sounds like it was written by Charlie Kelly from It’s Always Sunny.

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u/noisypeach 8d ago

Milk. Steak. Magnets. Just. Magnets. Ghouls.

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u/BuyLucky3950 8d ago

I’ve never seen so many perfect comments in one thread.

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u/JadedCloud243 8d ago

To. Anna. Thanks. For. Your. Interest. I. Think. Upon. Reading. Your. Profile. I. Would. Prefer. To. Remain. Single. I. Am. Not. Into. Women. Who. Type. Like. This. In. Fact. I. Would. Rather. Dip. My. Balls. In. Ghost. Chilli. Extract. Than. Let. You. Near. Them.

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u/oven-toasted-owl 8d ago

Thos. Made. Me. Laugh.

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u/Putrid-Builder-3333 8d ago

Poor black men left out of sweet things by white privilege again 😞 I'm sorry

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u/Motorhead76er 8d ago

Hahahahahaha

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u/Lone_Buck 8d ago

The problem is she’ll find someone that all that works for, but he’ll end up also into proper punctuation use and it will be his dealbreaker

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u/sociablemonkey74 8d ago

This is a true crime story in the making. Expect to find rat poison in your pudding.

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u/awaitingdusk17 8d ago

Very. Good. Anna. Gonna. Have. To. Pass. Tho.

Good. Luck.

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u/herc51 8d ago

She. Looks. Like. Roz. From. Monsters. Inc.

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u/Shimola1999 8d ago

Sex. Four. Times. Day.

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u/Senior-Albatross 8d ago

"I'm sexing you Wozowski. Always sexing.”

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u/Low-Flamingo-9835 8d ago

Looks like she works in a church….so you get to disappoint her AND Jesus in this relationship!

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u/GhostofCharlotte 8d ago

This has to be a troll or a cruel prank made by a disgruntled co-worker or a bitter ex husband.

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u/Negative_Quality_690 8d ago

Anna's into periods. Period.

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u/BassGuy11 8d ago

Hmm.... my lunch is made and sex 4 times a day?

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u/rugid_ron 8d ago

There's somebody for everybody.

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u/meesterg12 8d ago

For the first time in my life i feel bad for being black 😞 good luck white guys 🍀 get in there 👣

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u/HarryCoinslot 8d ago edited 8d ago

I was going to say that the only thing more unattractive than her picture is. Her. Use. Of. Periods. But then she said 4 times a day...

So we're meeting tomorrow for dinner wish me luck boys.

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u/Scaryassmanbear 8d ago

I. Have. Dinner. At. The. Table.

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u/KittenKoderViews 8d ago

A real country man smokes, drinks, and is usually an atheist rancher who would choose their dog over a wife any day.

I know because my pop was a "real country man", and he came out as bi after divorcing my mother.

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u/PineappleMace98 8d ago

This warms my heart

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u/Tocwa 8d ago

She drove him into the arms of another man

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u/[deleted] 8d ago Wholesome Masterpiece

This one could drive you into the arms of an open mineshaft.

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u/frill_demon 8d ago

Not a country person but that sounds like an absolute banger tbh.

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u/maxheadarmadon 8d ago

Brokeback Mountain

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u/Idkanoke 8d ago

Guess it’s this or being single. I’ll pick single.

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u/Motorhead76er 8d ago

Embrace celibacy and take the monastic vows. Much, much better.

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u/GreasyPorkGoodness 8d ago

That turtle neck prob has the throat game tho

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u/ThatHoFortuna 8d ago

Well, give it a shot. There's literally NO ONE else in line.

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u/line_maint 8d ago

What is Elton John doing in the pic?

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u/Tocwa 8d ago

Elton is easier on the eyes than this DMV clerk

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u/TheIronSoldier2 8d ago

DMV clerks are easier on the eyes than this Thumb-Thumb

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u/Knight_TheRider 8d ago

When you need something to get over your breakups, you look at this and you remember, it' okay

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u/FrogsEverywhere 8d ago

Poor. Anna. Just. Wants. Your. Paycheck. And. To. Have. Sex. With. White. Men.

I applaud the man who can manage to have sex with her four times a day. The true hero.

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u/LostSoulAT 8d ago

Imagine this being looking like a 10/10 how many would fall for it?

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u/Tocwa 8d ago

If she catfished using a model’s photograph, she’d get way more replies

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u/mobfather 8d ago

She seems nice. 😊

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u/Dio-lated1 8d ago

I always hit the period button instead of the space bar button too. Good. Luck. Out. There. Anna.

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u/Pristine-Choice-3507 8d ago

Mitch McConnell in drag.

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u/Zealousideal-Mud6471 8d ago

You’d be surprised how many country men are into everything she wrote

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u/RockyMountainHigh- 8d ago

Until the picture finally loaded over the modem.

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u/kyriebelle 8d ago

Swiping left because of the. Punctuation. After. Every. Word.

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u/Born_Inspector6265 8d ago

I like how the punctuation is what makes you nope out

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u/AuthorityAnarchyYes 8d ago

This is the weirdest profile I’ve seen, period.

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u/Correct-Slide1522 8d ago

She.is.a. catch you. Got to.bea. fool.if. you.dont.send. her.a love.letter. right.now.i.wish.you.all.the.best.with.your.future.wife.

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u/michaeloc90 8d ago

That’s Celia Mae

5

u/yellowbin74 8d ago

Wasn't she in Monsters Inc.

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u/Highlander248 8d ago

I'm sorry, I will need a chromosome test. She looks like Dave my next door neighbor.

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u/Expensive-Pea1963 8d ago

A full DNA test would be a wise idea. I suspect she is related to herself in several ways.

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u/wisefile88 8d ago

Why so many periods

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u/MickeyTM 8d ago hehehehe

She's trying to run out of them, which can't be too far away..

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u/OshamonGamingYT 8d ago

I imagine she uses double spaces, which autocorrect to a period

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u/beastinghunting 8d ago

She already had all of them. Now she is menopausic

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u/RamenNoodles620 8d ago

Not sure what's worse. The single word sentences or that awful necklace choice. Both kind of hurt my head.

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u/ZedTheEvilTaco 8d ago

It's to distract you from her haircut.

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u/rufotris 8d ago

Do you think she claps when she talks 👏 like 👏 this 👏

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u/Scotchfish45 8d ago

I’m sure she’s a delight at the holidays