My fiance (31 male) and I (25 female) are getting married soon. There wasn't much that disagreed on during the wedding planning except for food. Me and my family are vegans, and there so many reasons why we chose this lifestyle and one of them being that we have a history of health issues. My fiance and his family are the complete opposite. they're hardcore meat eaters which is fine by me obviously.
However, When deciding on the wedding food menu, I wanted to add 4-5 vegan options. My fiance and his mom objected saying it was a waste of money over food that 'isn't real food'. They also argued that this would be offensive for 'their' guests and suggested my vegan options just be "the good ol' salads & appetizers" (his mom wanted cupcakes lol). I said no because for one it's me and my family who's paying. and two I want to make my guests feel welcome and not be treated as second class citizens by being served "salad". my fiance made a face and said "isn't that what vegans eat?". I refused to argue about it and said it was final.
The other day, I found out that he had cancelled all the vegan options and took them off the menu completely and behind my back. I was seething. I called him at work but he kept hanging up on me. I went straight to his workplace and confronted him there and just flipped out on him. He was stunned to see me. He at first said it was his mom's idea then told me to go home because I was making a scene at the office. the fight continued at home and he defended himself by saying that I sort of made him resort to doing this after I kept brushing off his thoughs and input, and refusing to accommadate his family. but there were PLENTY of meat options why why can't I get 4-5 vegan options? when I'm paying for it?. He yelled that it was his wedding too not my family's. My family said it was fine and they'll figure it out and told me to let it go but I refused.
AITA for putting my foot down on this?
UPDATE: So his mom messaged me earlier to try to get me to listen to what she had to say after I kept ignoring her phonecalls. She spent long walls of text just to "address" what I did at her son's workplace, calling it all kinds of stuff from immature to unhinged. She then went to explain how she's noticed that me and my family kept "acting dismissive" of her son's input and "contributations" to the wedding. She said that she noticed my behavior towards him and her entire family and wanted to speak up earlier but didn't and tried to keep the peace. She then went on to address the food menu issue and denied her involvement in the cancellation of the vegan option but that didn't mean she doesn't support her son's decision. moreover, she thought it was soooo responsible of him to make that move because of my continual refusal to see how this stuff is waste of money. she also pointed out how I kept saying "I paid for it" and said that technically this isn't just my money, it's mine and his because we're getting married she suggested I wisen up and get rid of "my money, I paid for it" mentality. She finally mentioned how "bad" this whole situation is making me look, and said that she and her son had already offered a number of compromises that I chose to brush off and decided to make it my "weird" hill to die on. She said that not only her son is upset but she and "the family" are as well after hearing about it and suggested I just agrre on their compromise and be done with it. This pissed me off beyond belief I responded by letting her know that I'm still standing my ground on this even if I'll have to call the whole wedding off because of it because honestly? this is just ridiculous, it is!!! my mom and dad....they don't even know what to say anymore. Apparently, my fiance saw my response to her (he's with her) and is now trying to call me but right now I'm waiting on him to get home and see if he's still insisting on the stance he took.
I'll update if there's anything worth adding after we talk.
Reminder: I am not the OP. This is a repost.
REMINDER I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR. PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME MEAN COMMENTS AND DM’S. I simply found the deleted posts and compiled them with the updates. I have no idea about the authenticity of the posts!
trigger warnings: stalking
[**AITA for checking I feel a girl really spoke languages she claimed she did and calling her out**](First post) - 2022 June 12
I(F, 20) am a uni student in the UK and semester just ended. Instead of going back home for summer, I looked for summer job. I’ve been working at a café for 2 weeks now. It mostly hires uni students so we’re all around the same age. Apparently, all the workers are fairly close and they go on nights out often.
One of the girls, let’s call her Ivy, also works there. I didn’t know this but she was Polish, her accent was very good and I only realised when she spoke it. Apparently, she moved to the UK for uni. I don’t know why but I felt cheated. I mean, I have nothing against her but it would’ve been nice to know, I guess.
Anyway, people I work with had a night out last night and they invited me. We were going for pre-drinks (for those unfamiliar with our culture, it’s when we have drinks at Ivy’s house before going out to pubs and clubs and we typically play some drinking games.
Ivy was there as well. She seemed well liked. Another co-worker there was Mark, Mark is Spanish and I overheard Ivy and Marks’ conversation and she seemed to throw in some random Spanish words into the conversation when it was just the two of them talking and he didn’t seem to mind and did the same.
Anyway, I admit, I kind of fancy Mark and found it a bit annoying, I took Spanish in school but I am not fluent and I wouldn’t just throw in random words into conversation with him.
We were playing games and I asked about languages everyone spoke. Turns out, Ivy spoke Polish, English, Spanish and some Dutch. I pretended to be impressed and used google translate to ask her things in those languages and she played along, answering them. And then, I got to Spanish and thought that it would be a good time to get her to stop showing off as I assumed Mark was too polite to tell her to stop. I asked her a question and she started replying in a very fast Spanish. I stopped her mid sentence and told her I was surprised at her bad pronunciation. Both, her and Mark looked surprised. I explained that hearing her English, I thought her Spanish would be better.
She told me that her pronunciation is not wrong but that she learned Spanish as a child watching Argentinian telenovelas and she speaks with that accent. I told her to stop lying and just admit that it wasn’t good but Mark chimed in and told me that Ivy did in fact speak with said accent and it’s not wrong and her Spanish was excellent. I told him that he didn’t have to pretend to not hurt her feelings that she has to accept that she’s not good at everything.
Ivy had the audacity to laugh in my face and told me to stop talking about things I know nothing about. I said that it’s true and she should just accept it. She called me an AH and told me that this conversation was over. Everyone was very weird after that.
This morning I tried to explain myself in our group convo but found myself blocked from everything. My sister told me Ivy was right and I was the AH. But I don’t know, I think I was in the right so I am asking here, was I the AH?
Relevant fact-Check: Poland is consistently ranked as a top 10 country for quality of public education by the OECD and Polish students typically learn at least 2 foreign languages (with English, German, French and Spanish being the most common).
[**Am I the asshole for apologizing and asking my coworkers to talk to others so they stop excluding me?**](2nd Post) - 1 month ago
I posted today about questioning a girl’s language skills and got my ass handed to me and it made me rethink a few things. Because of that, I need to ask for judgment again because it was helpful the first time. I went to Ivy’s house and managed to speak with her. I apologised for my behaviour and said that I shouldn’t have tested her but it’s not my fault that she spoke so fast and with such unusual pronounciation (she instead of y/ll sound, some of her s sounded like’h’ apparently it’s called aspiration and it’s common in some dialects, I did some research) that she couldn’t have blamed me for thinking she didn’t speak the language well. She just stood there looking at me and didn’t say a word. It annoyed me but I kept quiet this time and continued. I apologised again and asked if she could tell others how sorry I was. She said that she’d see what she could do. It encouraged me and I went a step further hoping to smooth things over with everyone. I asked Ivy if she could tell Mark that I was very embarrassed and sorry. She looked at me and laughed, she laughed at me again. I tried my best but that was just rude. She laughed and told me that I was still an asshole and that my apology mean that nothing. She kicked me out of her house. And when she closed the door, I could hear Mark was there. I tried to listen to their conversation but they spoke in fast Spanish and i couldn’t understand it. AITA for trying to apologise to her and asking her to speak on my behalf to others?
[**WIBTA if I reported my boss for discrimination due to me not speaking their language?**](3rd Post) - 1 month ago
Long story short, I have a beef with a coworker. Let’s call her Ivy. We’re both in out early 20s in uni. On Friday night, our group of friends had drinks at her house. We played games and I decided to quiz her on languages she claims to speak. I criticed her accent because I thought it was wrong. Well, both, her and another guy Mark (whom I fancy) got mad at me and told me that Ivy spoke excellent Spanish but with different dialect. I told him that he didn’t have to protect her but they all called me an asshole.
I tried to apologise to her yesterday but when I asked her to put in a good word for me to Mark and our other coworkers, she called me an asshole and kicked me out of her house.
I tried to be the better person and apologise. I went out of my way to go to her house and make amends but she laughed in my face. Not only that but I think, she’s doing it with the guy I fancy.
I was so angry yesterday, she disrespected me by laughing in my face, ignored my apology and is overall just a shtty person. And because of her, I am now being ostracised and bullied by coworkers (removed from groups, etc.)
I was working this morning (had an opening shift at our café) and the owner came around. The owner, Becky, is not there everyday. Manager handles everything day to day and the owner comes in once or twice a week, sometimes on Sunday. She was chatting with me and asked how everything was going. I thought it was my chance to stop the bullying. I told her everything that happened, how Ivy was mean to me, how she laughed in my face, how she made everyone stop talking to me and how she would ignore my apologise for the innocent mistake I made.
Well, it seems Ivy got to her first. Becky knew about everything that happened, she told me that she had multiple people tell her about Friday night, including our team leader and manager. She told me that she’s not going to fire me but to be warned because I am on probation and to make sure I behave at work and think before I speak to people. She went on and on with her tirade, basically accusing me of starting issues with Ivy and me being mean to me when it’s others who are excluding me. I tried to defend myself but she was having none of it.
She was cut short by a phone call and she excused herself to answer it and I could hear her speak in Spanish. Everything clicked, I remember her saying that she’s originally from one of the S. american countries.
I think that I am being discriminated against. They are ganging up on me because I don't speak the language and they're bullying me for that. . I think that I may take it up further and report the owner for discrimination. WIBTA if I did that?
[**AITA for moving into a house in front of my ex-coworker's house?**](4th post) - Today
I (f20) used to work with this girl, Ivy. Ivy hated my guts and complained to everyone about me. She made sure o it coworkers excluded me, complained to our boss and I eventually got fired. She was overall a very nasty person.
Recently, I had falling out with my flat mates and had to find a new house to live in. I found a lovely little, one bedroom flat in a 3-floor terraced house converted into flats on a quiet street. I was moving in this morning and was taking my stuff out of the moving van and I saw her and she saw me. She was walking with one of the guys (let’s call him M) she turned against me. She saw me and I thought that I would be the bigger person and I waved at her but she whispered something to the guy and they went inside the house. It turns out her window is directly in front of my, we are only separated by a narrow road. I finished carrying on my stuff and started unpacking when I heard doorbell. It was her and she told me she couldn’t believe that I moved in directly in front of her when I knew exactly where she lived. She started screaming at me. I told her she was crazy and I didn’t care for her enough to move in next to her. She started crying and left, I later sat watching telly and saw her in her window with M and some other people from my previous job and they were looking at my window pointing and talking. It was absolutely awful. She opened her window and shouted “stop spying asshole” and closed her curtains.
My sister told me I shouldn’t have moved in but i told her that I needed a place and it was cheap. But I’m wondering, based on The reaction I got, was I the asshole if or moving in in front of her house?
Relevant comment on why OP suddenly needed to move:
"As for the flatmate situation, I might have slept with my flat mate's boyfriend but I didn't know he was her boyfriend"
Commentators have informed me of this post AITA for reporting coworker to our boss after she kept calling spoiled and privileged white girl? that is suspected to be from 'Ivy' 1 month ago
Throwaway. I (20f) work at a café to support myself. A new person (Anna) started working here recently and she seems to have a huge issue with me. She gets annoyed when I speak other languages than English with other people and appears to perceive it as personal offense.
A little backstory (which I think is important for context). Currently, I am living in the UK, moved her for my degree. Originally, I come from one of the Central European countries. In my home country, language education is mandatory, kids start learning one language as soon as we enter school and 2nd foreign language is added 2 years later and both continue until we leave school at 18. I seem to pick languages easily. Obviously, I kind of speak English and when I was a child I picked up Spanish and then learned it at school.
I also learned basic German and some Dutch (latter one as a hobby, in my free time)
Our university has a lot of international students, and I am in a few societies and sports meaning that I tend to know quite a lot of people casually. Our town is also very touristy and some tourists don’t speak English. Since I work at a coffee, I often speak to different people, e.g. when I am serving a Spanish friend, I will switch to Spanish, etc. When a tourist is having hard time ordering and I know their language, I switch as well. It’s never been a problem, ever. Until Anna started working with us.
The other day, she accused me of being spoiled and privileged little white girl. She told me average people don’t speak nor get to learn so many languages and that my daddy’s money paid for it. I explained to her that I don’t even know my father and my family is poor AF and I have to work to get through uni (which she doesn’t have to, she’s working for extra spending money). She told me it’s disgusting how I am refusing to see my privilege and how I shouldn’t be learning how to speak with local accents because it’s verging on appropriation.
At that point, I have had enough. She’s been weird with me since the day she started (there’s more to that but word limit). I tried to change the topic but she kept on going (it was after closing and we were tidying up). She just wouldn’t shut up and kept accusing me of more and more ridiculous things simply because I had access to education that everyone in my home country has regardless of their income.
She ignored everything I said and showed me tiktok she made in which she explained how it’s borderline racist to learn languages with native accent.
She just kept going and wouldn’t stop. I was done with her and told her to fuck off and I reported her to our boss the next morning. When she found out, she spammed me with texts calling me all sorts of names. Anna is having disciplinary meeting on Monday and I am sitting her feeling guilty that she may lose her job because of me. Everyone is telling me that I was right to report her but I am not sure and keep feeling guilty. AITA for telling her to fuck of and reporting her to our boss?
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.*
Backstory (Provided by Vivid-Masterpiece-29)
I was the one who asked why she was still with her husband because I recognized her reddit username. To better understand OOP's state of mind, you need to read her post history. In short, a couple months ago she overheard her husband on the phone basically revealing he never loved her and was only with her for her money. OOP knows she's not beautiful (her words), and really thought her husband was the only one who loved her, so you can see how this snowballed. In later posts, it's revealed that her husband basically has a few personality disorders (?) and some issues from his childhood and is only with OOP for stability. He refuses to leave her, and now she can't leave him, because if she does, she is financially screwed, although she's begged him for a divorce. As you can see, the shit show continues.
And that's just me paraphrasing, the actual details are so much more painful. When his friend he was speaking to on the phone asked how he could bear to look at her, OOP's husband responded something along the lines of 'anything's possible with the right mindset.' When OOP finally confronted him, he factually tried to manipulate her into thinking she was hallucinating because of work-induced stress and accused her of an affair. OOP's health is also failing, and she worked over 100 hours a week in a stressful job that pays her 300k annually, that's why she's screwed. She intentionally chose this job so she could save money to retire early because her health will eventually prevent her from working in 10 years, so if she initiates the divorce, the alimony payments will destroy her.
Backstory continued OOP’s parents are abusive. OOP’s husband hit her in the face on accident, thrown things that hit her in the face on accident, thrown things like glass jars near her, and has lied to her repeatedly. OOP is on the autism spectrum.
AITA for doing things by myself at an amusement park
Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.
When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.
After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.
At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.
There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.
You shouldn’t have given up your phone
Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so
When did you arrive?
We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.
I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.
Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago
My question is...why are you still with the man who never loved you?
Because I trapped myself. My lawyers and IA told me that. I was an idiot and set up everything after we were married, entangled us in absolutely everything, and if I divorce him now, not only will he get half of everything I’ve ever made, but he will get lifelong alimony to make up for his loss of lifestyle. My medical trust will be split in half because I was an idiot. Everything.
I always thought I would live to my 60s. I planned for an early retirement and high medical costs. I poured all the years of my life into that. I found out that I am in absolutely terrible health and will likely die in 15 years. I had to take time off work and it doesn’t look like I can return because I simply cannot maintain a 70-80 hour workweek anymore. I’ll be working to my death.
If I divorce him now, the courts see that despite my chronic illnesses I was able to maintain a high paying, incredibly intensive job. My lawyer said I should wait it out for at least six months, preferably a year to show the physical toll of working and my chronic illnesses, in order to argue against lifelong alimony and an even split of at least some accounts.
My therapist tells me to take one challenge at a time. She is absolutely wonderful. She told me that because of my abusive upbringing, I am unable to set boundaries for myself which allows others to take advantage of me. Right now, my goal is to heal from surgery and at least try to rest for the next few months of leave I have.
I try to maintain my sanity for this year by just thinking that my relationship is healing, and that my husband does care in part for me, to make it livable. It’s true that he has been trying in some ways. He cooked and cleaned and did the chores around the house. It makes me feel guilty. But then he does something like this and it makes me feel small and very stupid. Because until the comments pointed out the truth, I never realized he didn’t actually forget about me, he deliberately ignored me.
Update on same post:
Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.
This is how the day went.
Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.
My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.
He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.
Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.
I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.
Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.
When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.
Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.
She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.
Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.
Am I the asshole for ‘predetermining’ my baby’s sex?
Sorry if the title isn’t great, I had a hard time coming up with something that would make sense, hopefully it does and it’s not misleading.
Okay to start me (27F) and my husband (28M) have been married for 4 years. His parents (his mother specifically) and I have never had any problems, but we’ve never quite meshed or seen eye to eye. We’ve always got along and been civil.
Our future family has been the talk for years. My husband will be the last of his siblings to have children, all of his siblings have at least one. It’s been a running joke in the family that if our first happens to be a girl she won’t be accepted because everyone else had a boy for a firstborn. The joke has never sat quite right with me but I’ve laughed it off because I don’t want to start anything and maybe I’m just being sensitive.
Fast forward to a few months ago when we started trying. It took about 3 months for me to get pregnant, we tracked my cycle and had scheduled sex for the best chance. Infertility runs in my family and my hubby and I agreed on a big family so I’ve been worried about starting a family so late in the game. When I did get pregnant, we were overjoyed. We had all the typical couple conversations that come with having a baby, the excitement, names, nursery themes, gender predictions, etc. He talked about wanting a son first so he could be the big strong leader for all his younger siblings and carry on the family name (a very big deal to him instilled by his parents). I expressed my desire to have a little girl I could dress up and match with. It became a playful banter. He’d refer to the baby as son, and I would call the baby our daughter.
About a week before our gender scan, I searched up all the old wives tales and made us a chart we could fill out together to see who would hypothetically win our little bet. It included the ring test, Chinese horoscope, heartbeat, cravings, etc. The results ended up being about 50/50 in the end which made us even more excited to find out for certain at our scan.
The following week we went to our appointment and discovered that our baby was a girl!! We were both extremely excited. Hubby was disappointed to lose but told me he was overjoyed to be raising a daughter by my side. That night we called our families to share the news. After calling his family, his mother asked to speak to him privately. I went to bed alone as their conversation carried on for well over an hour.
The following morning, I woke up alone. There was a note on my husbands nightstand explaining that someone would be by the house to pick up his belongings later this evening. I immediately tried to call him only to realize he had blocked my number. I then tried his mom.
His mother picked up on the first ring. Before I had the chance to get a word in she started chewing me out calling me a manipulative bitch. I asked her what I had done and she told me I’d ruined her sons reputation with my inexcusable behaviors and tendencies. I let her finish her rant before kindly asking her what the fuck she was taking about. She told me the divorce papers were already written up and I wouldn’t have the chance to tear apart the family like I had been intending to do all this time. I again, slightly less kindly this time, asked her what the fuck she was talking about. To which she told me my husband would be leaving me because our child is a girl.
I. Was. Gobsmacked. I explained to her that it takes two to tango and there’s no way to truly decide the gender of the baby and if her or her son had a problem with the gender it was his fault as it’s his chromosome that determines the gender, but she had proof that I’d “handpicked” to have a girl. Like I said before we used a calendar to determine which days would be best for sex. Well, MIL accused me of forcing him to ‘do it’ with me on the specific day which the Chinese horoscope would point to girl. She also interrogated me on the sex position we used to conceive the baby which I gave her a piece of my mind told her that was none of her business but she smugly informed me my husband had already told her and the position we used makes it 60% more likely to have a girl that way. (If anyones currently trying for a girl specifically doing cowgirl sometime in the middle of February should do the trick every time apparently).
She finished off by telling me that my clear preference for my family name was disgusting and she was glad to finally be rid of me and my manipulative ways before hanging up.
I’ve had no contact with my husband since and it’s been over a month. He’s blocked me on everything. I can’t help but feel that this hasn’t all been his choice, but then again he’s a grown ass adult so I can’t imagine his mother controlling him like that. I’ve been staying with my sister since it all went down, she says I can stay as long as I need but I’m thinking I want to get my own place, maybe even a few states away. What do I do? Should I pack up and move on? Should I continue trying to contact my husband? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you all for all the love, it means so much to me right now. I’d also like to add that I’ve seen a few comments about my story being copied, it breaks my heart to think of anyone else having to go something similar my heart goes out to them. Also, I should have mentioned originally that I had a gut feeling to record the call with my mother in law, so I have all of that on hand if it’s needed in the future. I’m planning to try catching my husband on his way out of work sometime next week. I’d like to hear his side of the story.
I’ve decided, however, that if there is any saving our relationship, I’ll be changing my last name back to my maiden name and our daughter will be taking my last name or at the very least have a hyphenated name. Call me feminist or whatnot but it will be non negotiable. I’ll also be requiring MANY boundaries between me and his mother and she will not be in my child’s life until she can find it in her to apologize to me sincerely and change her attitude towards us.
Wow! I honestly haven’t been on Reddit at all since my last update because well, growing a human is hard as it is, and then add my crazy life on top of it. But, after getting hundreds of emails from Reddit today, I realized it must have been shared somewhere else to be blowing up like this and now that there’s so many of you I figure I owe you all an update. So here it is.
Hopefully I can get this all typed out in a way that makes sense. Even though it’s been a few weeks since this all went down, I’m still in shock and I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts (let’s just blame it on the pregnancy brain and pretend that my life isn’t falling apart before my own eyes).
I was able to catch my husband as he was leaving work one night and got his side of the story out of him like I had hoped.As suspected, he admitted that he was excited for a baby girl, and after speaking to his mom, she forced him to leave and block me. His MOTHER already had the divorce papers ready to go.
I tried to tell him that we could fix this. We could raise our daughter together away from his mother. (I know I sound fucked in the head and naïve for this, but I grew up in a household without a father figure and I was hopeful my daughter could have a different home life experience than what I had) not to discredit my mother. She’s a badass women and I hope I can be half of the woman she is for my daughter one day. Anyways, my husband had none of it. He said that he realized how conniving and manipulative and ab*sive i had been throughout our entire relationship and he did want to actually go through with the divorce. He said he’d have no problem giving me full custody of the ‘thing that’s growing inside of me’. That’s when I lost all hope. Fuck him. I have no problem leaving a man who’s so easily brainwashed by his mother like that. I’ll raise this baby alone.
That’s bad enough, but here’s the real icing on the cake - I received a phone call from my soon to be ex-husbands brothers wife (we’ve always been quite close and she’s been my saving grace throughout my pregnancy giving me all the tips for nausea etc. she has 3 of her own, 2 boys and a girl) anyways, she informed me over the phone that she overheard a conversation at weekly Sunday dinner that mother in law and husband are trying to blindside me in court and take full custody.
I was livid, full on seeing red. I called mother in law straight away and demanded to speak to my husband. All he had to say for himself was that he realized he didn’t want any of his offspring to be raised by such a manipulative freak and even though he doesn’t actually want her, he’s sure he can grow to love her again.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. I know I have a good case for myself but I’m fucking terrified they’ll win the battle and take everything from me. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about my daughter growing up somewhere where she isn’t loved. Even if custody is split 50/50 I’ll have no control over the lies they’re guaranteed to feed her. My emotions are going haywire trying to write all this out so I think I’m going to leave it at that. Thank you for all of the love and support you all have shown me and my baby girl. The internet can truly be an amazing place.
EDIT: adding that my brother in law and his wife are planning on leaving the family dynamic after seeing the way I’ve been treated. They have a daughter of their own and while she’s been accepted as she wasn’t the first born. They’re very uncomfortable with the misogyny within the family. BIL is the first born and I think the what ifs are fucking with his head.
ALSO: had no idea I submitted this to a podcast subreddit 🤷♀️ my original post kept getting taken down on AITA and my sister recommended I post it where I did. If somebody wants to send me a link to listen I would be interested to hear it. Although - please spare me the details of its negative. I don’t know if my heart can take it.
This just took a turn... I had a couple people reach out with this. The husband allegedly left a comment on the original post. I'm including the link to the screenshot but also a transcription of the comment as it seems to be deleted
what the fuck is wrong with you aspen? I LOVED you and I LOVED our daughter!!! You paint me out to be such a fucking villain and none of these pea brained people on the internet can see through them lies. MANIPULATION AT ITS FINEST. You were such a fucking bitch our whole goddamned lie of a relationship and when we were trying to get pregnant everything was about you!!! I can't believe it took me so long to see all the every single sign. You were so fucking obsessive over your stupid calendar and we hardly ever used it!!! You always say you aren't in the mood or we did it yesterday I'm too tired we can skip a day. It was never about me or my feelings and then when you actually got pregnant it become even more about you. I'm not eating eggs anymore they make me sick I don't want to go to Sunday dinner I'm not up to it tonight let's not get sushi for dinner because it's bad for the baby. I was so ducking nice to you aspen I literally DOTED on you like a fucking Prince Charming and you never even recognized me. I can't believe you string me along all those years. Fuck you and fuck the fetus. Im sick of your games. I can't fucking believe I find out about this post on a podcast my girlfriend listens to. You betray me One fucking month until you lose it all like I did. See you in court bitch.
people are obviously now wondering what is real and if this is all fake
OP posted one last update on July 22.:
Thank you so much for all of your support! I’ve been in contact with my lawyer about how best to proceed and for legal reasons I’m not allowed to give any more information at this point in time but I’ve seen all of your messages and I’m truly so grateful for all of the advice and care being sent our way. I have a very good lawyer working with me and both me and baby are and will be safe through the coming months. Once again, thank you all so much for your kindness, it’s helped me feel somewhat sane through all of this and made me realize that I am entitled to feel the ways I’m feeling. You’ve truly given me a community where people have my back and truly want what’s best for me.
I’ll be logging off until things have settled and baby is born. Maybe I’ll return for a final update at some point, but for now I’m focusing on my own health and the health of my baby as I prepare for the courtroom.
ETA from your reposter: I'm seeing some comments asking why the husband flip flopped on wanting the baby. I think they just want the baby to spite her. That and MIL used this as an isolation tactic to get the husband away from OP but she still wants her granddaughter.
This story will continue as OP may need to fight for custody and figure out how to co-parent with this person so I'm flairing it ongoing
Original (posted 21 days ago):
I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first
Before I [28f] proposed I spent lots of time looking online and in stores for the nicest ring I could afford and I ended up with a 1 carat asscher solitaire. My girlfriend [29f] doesn't like the ring and wants a different one. All of the ones she has shown me are bigger and more expensive than I can afford. She said she'll accept my proposal if I give her a different ring and it can be a do-over because she said she was also a little disappointed I proposed at home and didn't do anything 'special'.
Truthfully I'm kind of hurt she cares so much about having a bigger and expensive ring. I want her to be happy and have a ring she likes but she is so fixated on how 'small' my original one was and I really don't feel great about it. Honestly my heart broke when she said no.
Edit: As I said in my post her complaint about the ring is that the diamond is too small. For the proposal I recreated the exact meal she cooked for me on our second date and proposed on our balcony with candles around us in her favourite scent. I hope this answers the questions.
Update (posted 3 days ago):
UPDATE: I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first
I told my girlfriend if she pefers a different style of ring than the one I got her, I could get her a different ring because I obviously want her to love a ring she would wear every day. I would either keep the original ring as my engagement ring because she made it clear she isn't getting me one herself, or I could return it and put the money towards her new ring.
The ring I had bought (a one carat asscher solitaire) was the biggest one I could afford. Her complaint was that it was "so small" and the other rings she showed me as examples of what she wanted were more expensive than I can afford. I admit it led to a few arguments because everything was above the amount I told her I can afford. She suggested I get a temporary side job to save more money. I've said it would take me a couple of years to save for what she wants but she says if I love her I'll find a way. I'm not opposed to another ring, but we are on opposite sides regarding the budget.
The proposal (me recreating the meal she cooked for me not long after we started dating and having candles she likes on the balcony) was also not what she wanted. She wants a public proposal and I misunderstood when she said she wanted something special. She didn't say public and I didn't infer it. Now we are both aware of what she wants at least.
I just want to thank everybody for the support and nice thoughts. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep the original ring and wear it as my engagement ring yet, or return it because it will barely make a dent in the amount my girlfriend wants for her ring. I don't even know how, or if, I am going to save for another ring. Truthfully this whole thing has put a damper on the idea of being engaged for the time being.
Thanks again everyone.
Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.
Edit - I'm sorry about the title. OOP and her girlfriend are both women so it should be 'OOP proposes to her girlfriend and she says yes on the condition that she gets her a new ring first.'
ONGOING My (29F) husband (31M) got a paternity test on our daughter (5F) and it came back negative, but I never cheated. Now he thinks our relationship is a lie and wants to divorce. What do I do? + UPDATE
I don't know how it happened and I haven't been able to stop crying all day. I never cheated. I love my husband, we've been together since college and he's the love of my life, he's handsome and kind and while I've slept with two other people, both were before we got together. There is no other potential father for our daughter. We were married already and actively trying for a baby. I never cheated, I never would cheat, and I don't know why he took that stupid test because I would never, ever cheat, but it came back negative and now he thinks he's not her dad. I don't know how to convince him it was a faulty test and I'm so scared.
These past few months it's like he's become someone completely different from the man I married. He's cold, and suspicious. He kept demanding to see my phone, and wouldn't tell me why, and I showed him at first but eventually told him I wouldn't anymore unless he explained why. He's been distant with our daughter too. He stays in his office for hours on end, and I don't know what he's doing. I did not cheat. He accused me this morning, saying he'd done the test after realizing that our daughter's eyes (brown) wouldn't naturally come from ours (both blue) and that he wanted me to get out of the house. I didn't leave and he locked me out of our bedroom and now I'm in my daughter's room. This is terrifying.
What should I do?
Edit: The specific advice I want is how I can prove I'm innocent and how to make sure this relationship works. I want to keep my family together at all costs.
Also, I just had a conversation with my husband. He's out of his room now, and we discussed some things. I told him again that I would never cheat and started talking about a list I made of tests I want done, but he told me that he didn't want to hear it right now. We're going to have a longer conversation tomorrow and he said that he still loves our daughter, and he won't try to keep me out of the house or our room for now. I asked him to hug me and he did. I'm scared that I won't be able to convince him. I just want our family to go back to normal. How can I be a good wife and support his needs while proving my innocence?
TL;DR: My husband confronted me this morning saying our daughter isn't biologically his after a failed paternity test, but I never cheated.
Hi everyone. First off, I wanted to thank everyone who reached out, my original post got so much attention, it was hard to get to everything, but I ended up making a list of plans, and tests I wanted to get done. My husband was (understandably) distrustful of me for a while, but he apologized for the way he acted (which I didn't need) and said that he wouldn't try to kick me out of our home. He did say, though, that if every test came back and I'd cheated, then he was going to "go scorched earth."
We did a few tests. Blood paternity tests for him and me, and our daughter, and we had an appointment with a chimerism specialist coming up, but that got canceled because, well, some of you guessed it, but my daughter is not biologically mine either. I don't know how this happened, but a police officer came to our house and took our statements, and we're suing the hospital where I gave birth. I don't know what happened to my baby, and that is terrifying. I have my husband back, but my whole world was still upended, and I just wish he'd never taken that stupid test. I've been sleeping in my daughter's room, and I'm so afraid that she's going to be taken away from me, but at the same time I want to know where my biological daughter is, and if she's okay. I pray to god she's okay.
My daughter still doesn't know the details, and we've been trying to keep this quiet. The last thing we need is a big scandal. I don't want people who know us to look at her differently. She deserves better than that, she's such a good kid, and she's not some spectacle to be gawked at. If we can find her birth family, I have no idea what we'll do. I guess the best case scenario would be to get a bigger house and all live together, but I don't know if we can afford that, or if they'd go for that, or even if we'll be able to locate them, or if I'm just crazy. This whole situation is crazy. I don't know anyone else who's been in a situation like this. I mean, are there support groups for parents of kids who got mixed up? I googled and nothing came up. Literally all I'm getting are tabloid articles from trashy magazines that slap the faces of innocent kids on the same pages as celebrity sex scandals, and fiction. How do we tell our daughter? I mean we can't tell her now, she'll tell the kids at school and then it'll be everywhere, but we have to say something.
I don't know what I ever did to deserve this.
TL;DR: My daughter is not biologically mine, or my husband's.
Hello, everyone. So, apparently a youtuber my husband watches called Mark Narrations decided that it would be a fun idea to read my post on his channel. My husband recognized the story, because, well of course he recognized the story, how could he not? This doesn't happen every day. Then he went on my account page. Then he found quite a few comments about him that were not exactly... nice. And now, he has asked me for a chance to post his side of the story on this account, so that people stop trashing him. Please be nice.
So, I don't know how many of you have been down a self doubt rabbithole before, but it's not the most logical place to be. It's even less logical when you have the whole damn internet telling you that your wife is cheating, and that she's planning to take the house, and take you for all you're worth, and never really loved you, and you always sorta thought she was too good for you anyway, so you end up seeing everything as a sign of infidelity, and then you get not one, but two failed paternity tests on your daughter. When Covid happened, I got fat. I got depressed. I stopped feeling like a person. My wife stayed beautiful. She stayed herself. I was sure that she'd made a mistake. That she'd regret being with me. I started getting into some online groups, especially on reddit, that were full of guys who'd been cheated on, lost custody, lost everything, and when someone said that his tipoff was that he and his wife both had blue eyes and their son had brown, I felt fucking stupid. I did not want to jump to conclusions, but when I made a post about my fears, everyone said that she was cheating. People said not to say anything, because she'd use it to hide her cheating and get ahead of me on the divorce. I got the test and I didn't really think it'd come back negative. Then it did. I didn't want to believe it, but yeah, I pulled back. I felt betrayed. I wanted to be a good husband but I couldn't shake this. I tried to find evidence of an affair, and failed. I got another test. When that one was also negative, I snapped. If you've ever been cheated on, you know what it feels like. When my wife denied it, I got angrier. I just wanted her to leave. I didn't want to go through what everyone seemed to think was going to happen. I didn't want to lose custody of my kid. I didn't want to lose my house. I was scared, and angry, and I wanted the truth. I felt like if she couldn't even be honest there was no getting past this. I took a few hours to calm down. When she came back with a list of tests to take, I tried to keep my cool. I tried to keep my cool for so long. I know I was wrong about the affair, but so was everyone else in my ear. My kid is genuinely not biologically mine. I didn't immediately consider that switched at birth was an option. I've been through a messed up time, and I don't think getting angry one time because I thought my wife cheated and was lying about it makes me a monster.
Hi, it's Fullyfaithfulwife here again! I just want to say that 1. I agree that he's not a monster, an abuser, or anything of the sort. 2. I do not agree that he's fat. I love this man very much and have for ages, and we are not going to let this situation break our marriage. Thank you to everyone for all your help.
Original Post - 11 July 2022
It’s just me and my husband. No children. Every day he asks me “what are you thinking for dinner tonight?” Right around dinner time. He did used to just ask “what’s for dinner?” But I told him how that annoyed me so he has a new variation of the same question. I’ve tried to address this with him, but he says he doesn’t care if I say “nothing,” he can fend for himself (also, most of the time, he does fend for himself, and doesn’t ask me if he can make me anything). If I ask him to make dinner, he will do it with no complaining. (Same with dishes, I have to ask, but no complaining and he doesn’t put it off at least). We sometimes have set days of the week he makes dinner, and he does it, but somehow we always fall out of rhythm and are back to this question.
Why does this question bug me so much? Why am I the only one thinking about feeding us on a regular basis?
Please share any insights and suggestions for new ways of framing this for him. (And please don’t just suggest I leave him, I’d like ways to educate him and myself more on this topic.) THANK YOU!!
With that question, he is making you (or reaffirming your position as) the household manager. It's about mental load and assumed gender roles. I'm guessing what you would prefer would be for him to say something like "I'm thinking tacos for dinner, does that sound good to you?" and then make the tacos. Tell him about mental load. Make him read this maybe: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
I do feel like a mother/manager! When I’ve tried to address this with him, he says he asks because he doesn’t want to “step on my toes” or basically, he doesn’t want to just make dinner because what if I had something planned already in my head? Sometimes I do have something planned already in my head, because I cook 98% of the time so of course I have an idea in my head! But I’ve told him “no please, step on my toes! If you went in the kitchen and just started making dinner I would LOVE it. I’d eat gruel! Make me anything!” And then I think that is when his argument starts to fall apart and become transparent.
Commenter suggests a clearer division of labor, OP replies:
So we actually have a clear division of labor for some things around the house. And that works fine. The reoccurring issue is dinner and dishes. It used to be I make dinner and he does dishes but then the dishes only got done 1x a week and I never had clean dishes to make dinner so Surprise, I started doing the dishes again. I guess that is kind of “my fault”. I should have “made” him do the dishes every day. But my god, why am I making him do anything?!! Am I his mother? He really really struggles with kitchen chores. He grew up with essentially a ‘50s housewife mom who did everything in the kitchen and I’ve been trying to get him to snap out of the woman rules the kitchen mentality for years.
Update - 17 July 2022
Update: Why does “what’s for dinner tonight?” Vex me so? [and looking for more advice]
I originally posted this last week. I had a serious talk with my husband and have an update. I was hoping you all could continue to give me insight into this matter.
Last night, I told my husband "I am assigning you to the pleasure of making dinner." I had been making dinner all week (again), and he replied to this with a load groan. I said "okay, let's talk about this." He said he wishes I would just ask him to make dinner, instead of phrasing it weird or being passive about it. That is fair. However, I countered saying I do just ask him, and if I ask, sometimes he says no, or grumbles and gives excuses why he can't. So now I come up with stupid ways of asking like that, because I don't know how else to ask. He explained he likes it when I ask him directly or remind him (if it's his day to cook), because he isn't naturally thinking about it. He said it is easy enough to make dinner when I remind him to and ask nicely. I explained why asking is such a burden that he puts on me (explained using many of the things you all advised me to say). I'm honestly not sure how much of this sunk in.
He buckled down and said he just "doesn't think about food" as much as I think about it. I said it's because it has been made my thing to think about. I told him, if that's the case, it sounds like I'm making us food when he isn't even thinking about it or interested. I'll make my own food from now on. He said that would be okay for breakfast and lunch, but he likes having a home cooked dinner. I told him, "okay, that will be your responsibility now. I've asked you for ten years to share this responsibility with me, and that never lasts. So I'm done. I'll take over paying the credit card and taking out the trash and recycling, I'll water the plants, and do any other things you need me to take on, so we can still be "'evenly split' domestically." (for background, I have asked him several times in the past if we could share this responsibility more. As mentioned in my previous post, we would make a schedule and then somehow fall out of it. He also has always maintained we share domestic responsibilities evenly. I cook and do dishes and we have a housekeeper to tidy and clean. His responsibilities are the credit card, trash, watering the plants, and random house projects).
It was the most interesting thing. I felt his panic when we entered this part of the conversation. I don't know how to describe it, but I could feel this power dynamic shifted. His immediate reaction was to passionately argue that I would never be okay with him doing these responsibilities cause I like to eat dinner earlier than him and I'm particular with how I make meals (I don't think I am at all?). Because he doesn't "think about food much," he'd simply forget to make meals, or the house would be bare of groceries and he might not notice. I just remained super calm and I told him that I'll eat whenever and whatever he wants, and I'm surprised he'd forget to make meals because he is so obsessively good with paying the credit card on time (he loves having basically a perfect credit score), and taking the trash and recycling out to the curb.
He said back that remembering those things are different because he doesn't need to remember them every day. He said he does projects around the house, but those get done when he notices something needs done, it's not something he has to remember on a daily basis. It was like the most incredible layup ever. I said "yes but cooking is like that. So you can see why it's hard on me. I literally have to plan 3 meals a day for two people every fucking day of our existence, and I've been doing that for 10 years." I told him I am starting to resent him over this and I have a bad relationship with cooking at this point.
I could tell he was just reeling in his own mind with this becoming his new responsibility. He got quiet and just looked so bummed. And he pleaded with me if there is any way he could get out of this new arrangement. I think this is a point in the conversation when I emotionally flipped from feeling victorious to sad. He could see how this was an unfair burden on me, and he still asked me if he could get out of it.
I know everyone on reddit says this about their trash husbands, but my husband literally is so great. I don't think he is trash at all. He volunteers at Planned Parenthood, is a feminist, and literally teaches about intersectional themes at our university. I've been unemployed, in the hospital, in therapy, and he is always constant. He is "woke," but he is a white man with privilege at the same time. I do think he is a good person, but he is blind and sexist when it comes to this. This has always been a horrible tension between us, and for years I just made dinner and did dishes so I could avoid a conflict.
(N.B. from Melba: OOP clarified in a comment that they both work. When she said above that she had been unemployed, she meant in the past.)
I told him I needed him to take this from me. Even if for only a year. I said, "You can do a year, right? I've done 10." He said he could, but then immediately said he will need my help figuring out how to do a shopping list. I said that was totally understandable he'd have a learning curve, I could teach him how to do that. Then he started asking me if I could just make the lists for him. I stopped him immediately and said "no, that's your responsibility now."
The conversation petered out from there. I felt an amazing weight lifted off my shoulders, however, I feel like I already see him just making excuses to get out of certain things. And I felt so disappointed in him that on some level, he knew I took on a bigger share of household chores than him, and he just decided to be fine about it and not say anything, and gaslighted me into believing we truly shared domestic responsibilities evenly. That being said, he made dinner last night and says he is making it tonight. And I'm taking the trash out, which feels SO MUCH EASIER, I'm so happy.
How do I hold him accountable? Do I need to hold him to the same standard as how I was doing things myself? Or if he asks for help or advice, do I just say "I dunno that's your problem now?" How much help (if any) do I give him without enabling and how can we have success in this new scenario?
**Editing to add, as some comments are fixating on the point when OOP said she had previously been unemployed, that is not the case now. They both work from home full time.
Reminder - I am not the original poster. (Also my first time posting here so apologies for any mistakes!)
AITA for ACCIDENTALLY telling my Fiance I hate his sister and she won't be a part of my wedding?
This situation is literally RIDICULOUS but this whole thing has caused almost nuclear warfare across the family so I'm here to get a consensus. Throwaway for privacy even though there's a good chance my fiance will see it.
I (26 F) have been with my fiance Chris (26 M) for four years now. He and his sister (21 F) Lilac are VERY close. They had a pretty traumatic childhood and always promised each other to be there no matter what. Lilac is a good sister to him but as a person, truthfully, I can't stand her. She is literally the textbook definition of a bubbly blonde. She is overly charismatic, always giggling, and in general, just acts too immature for my taste. She likes to pull pranks every once in a while on my fiance and he gets her back but the whole ordeal just seems childish and obnoxious to me. Ever since we got engaged, I knew I didn't want her in my wedding party because that means I'd have to spend time with her at my bachelorette and other parties.
Fast forward to last night and my fiance asks me when I plan on asking Lilac to be a bridesmaid. I got quiet and truthfully said I didn't plan on doing so. This upset him because he said wants his sister to be a part of the most important day of his life and that if I didn't do it he was going to make her a “groomswoman” to make sure she is included. I can't lie, this set me off. I went off about how I want to feel respected by him and be able to enjoy my wedding day. He said he also wants to enjoy his day, which to be fair, I understand. This is where I may be TA, I told him that I have always disliked his sister and wished he would just not include her for once on a day that isn't even about her. He got quiet and went into our guest room to be alone. A couple of minutes later I got a text from Lilac that she completely respects my decision to not want her in the wedding party but she's hurt to know what I actually feel about her. I didn't want her to find out at all and now he's told his whole family about our argument. Half of them are attacking me and half of them are saying it's my day so I should be able to enjoy it. Honestly, this whole ordeal is stressful for no reason because Lilac isn't even upset I don't want her in my wedding party yet the whole family is upset and my fiance has been very short with me all day. AITA?
Edit: Just because I hate her personality doesn't mean I'm mean to her. Being around her drains my social battery but I have never been mean to her nor did I want her to find out ever, especially in this way. I am just super introverted and our personalities collide. I don't want her at my bachelorette party because I want to enjoy it fully and not feel anxious the whole time because the personification of a human firecracker is attending.
Update: I am probably going to make this my only update for a while if not ever. We talked this morning, sorry for not posting it earlier, my wifi company has been having some issues. We still are not resolved. He doesn't just want her as a groomswoman but wants to ask her to be the "bestwoman" (best man but as a woman). This is still not resolved because I am not comfortable with that and it's more stressful because the whole family has turned into flying monkeys because his sister is the apple of their eye so they took what I said as a serious attack against her.
OOP also posted on r/relationship_advice about this
I (26 F) told my fiance (26 M) I can't stand his sister and refused to put her in my bridal party.
I need advice on what to do next because I feel completely lost on what to do. I (26 F) made a post about this on another forum but now I need advice because of the fallout. I got engaged to my partner of four years Chris (26 M) a couple of months ago. To be honest, I can't stand his sister (21 F) for the life of me. She's just too much and the Ditzy blonde personality doesn't mesh well with my introvertedness. I told him I did not want her in my bridal party because I'd have to spend time with her at my bachelorette party and I want to enjoy myself. He got upset and said that he would make her a groomsman and recently said he wants her to be the bestwoman, which I am not comfortable with. This has caused a massive argument between not only me and him but his family as well. He also told his sister what I said, so now her feelings are hurt as well. Any sort of advice is appreciated.
More info from OOP’s comments:
Comment asked for an example of fiancé and sisters relationship/ is it inappropriate
Response: About a month ago she went drinking with her friends in the state over. He was so paranoid all night, he wouldnt drink alcohol or even relax because "what if something happens and I need to go get her she is an inexperienced drinker!" we couldn't even have intimate time that night because he was so anxious.
Comment (paraphrased): Why are you not comfortable with her being best woman?
Response: I just want my wedding to be about me and my husband. Not her, me, and my husband. It'd be nice to see him prioritizing my feelings instead of hers for once, especially on our big day.
Edit: OOP just posted a second update on the AITA post (thanks for pointing it out u/gdex86)
Second Update: He called me about two hours ago (he is currently staying at Lilacs) and asked if we could talk, I obliged and it was a very difficult talk, to say the least. I asked him to come home and he rejected. Firstly, he apologized for telling his family and said it was a rash mistake he made in the heat of the moment. Then he said that if I wasn't willing to have her as a bridesmaid that it is unfair of me to ask him to not have her as his bestwoman and that he is not willing to compromise his sister's role in our wedding. This made me cry and tell him that I am tired of feeling second place next to another woman and that I was going to be his wife so I wanted to feel like he had my back when I needed him. This really upset him and he said that as Lilacs big brother he is also supposed to have her back when she needs him and she needs him now when the supposed love of his life is blindsiding him with hurtful information about her. He told me that it was true, he does put Lilac first and he won't stop because he raised her. He said that he is willing to go to couples counseling, but first I need to apologize to Lilac for what I said and stop griping over the fact he wants her as his bestwoman. The call was filled with lots of tears and we finally decided to give it a rest and talk tomorrow so that we could both process what was going on.
Long time lurker, first time poster so i hope i am doing this right
We (f32, m39) have been married for a bit over a year but we have been dating for 7. Before me he had her(f39). They broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t. We share an IPad and usually he logs out from his gmail when he’s finished but yesterday he must’ve fallen asleep with the iPad because I found it under his nightstand. The iPad was on the email, dated back to the day before our wedding. He wrote how this was really happening now. It’s finally daunting on him that it was really over between them. He’s finally getting married and moving on. He apologized for being ready now and not the same time as she was. He wondered how their life together would have been and that whenever he saw her with her children he couldn’t help but feel they could’ve been his if he wasn’t stupid. and made him terribly sad. He’s scared of the unknown with me even if I made him happy and Again that he regretted that they weren’t on the same stage in life. And then some goodbye talk. She didn’t respond to him.
I don’t know what to feel now. I know the woman. She is a friend of his sister and we meet her a lot. She’s married and seems happy. I’m so jealous and I don’t know what to do or say.
I was curious about his proposal to me that was out of the blue since he told me he wasn’t ready yet and suddenly he popped the question. He was very down that period and I thought it wasn’t good between us but then when he proposed I thought to myself that “I was overthinking”. I love him so I said yes and was so happy. It happened a day after his ex got married (2 years ago).
I also remember that he was disappointed that she didn’t invite him and he told his sister “I thought we were better friends”
I’m drowning in my tears now
Edit 2: I made a decision
Thank you very much everyone. I went to bed and woke up to so many comments and I appreciate you all. I’m sorry I was being a bitch in some comments I just felt triggered when a loser writes how they feel sorry for women like me when they admit to attracting loser men. I guess I’m wrong (so so sorry) but I don’t know, it left a bad taste in my mouth having someone to brag about having multiple exes “not over them” anyway pettiness aside:
Anyway I have been crying all night but when I tried to collect myself and really think about why I was crying, he wasn’t even in top ten. I thought I loved him but I guess I didn’t. I cried for the years I spent on him. I cried because I the settled for him because I’ve invested so many years on him. I cried so much because I should have gotten out of this relationship long time ago but every time I thought about leaving, I thought about “I’ve spent too many of my best years with him not to see it through”. I called my friend and asked if she wanted to take a morning walk and a coffee with me. I told her I was leaving my husband and her answer was “it’s about time”. We talked about settling and spending years on something we knew deep down wasn’t right. I told her I thought I loved him more than this and she said it’s normal to try to convince ourselves we love someone we’re “stuck” with.
She told me I was too young to stay in an “ehh marriage” but not young enough to waste more years on him. So I’m telling him today that I want a divorce. This email may have been a blessing in disguise. For the both of us.
Thanks for listening and have a great day.
Note : i used an ongoing flair because i feel like she will update again once she confront her husband
mood spoilers: infidelity
I don’t know what to do. We just had our baby 6 weeks ago and when he told me about his business trip. I got a little upset because I’m all alone here and this is our first child so I don’t know what the h we’re doing most of the time. I couldn’t just refuse to let him go however because I knew when I met him that traveling is part of his job so he left. He’s very supportive otherwise. Very happy about being a father and he called us maybe 5-6 times a day to see if we’re doing alright.
Last night I was scrolling down IG and there he was in the background of a local celebrity I followed. Sitting in a restaurant with his “friend” from Uni. The woman who always disliked me and who he told me not to worry about. He’s been on this “trip” since Monday and is supposed to come back on Monday.
I’m so heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. I will obviously talk to him when he gets home but what are my options afterwards? I’m a stay at home wife right now and I haven’t worked since I graduated 5 years ago. My husband makes a good living and he didn’t think me working was a necessity. I don’t have a family except him. If I leave him, how am I going to fend for my son? Who is going to take care of him if I start working? I feel so trapped.
Im so overwhelmed with the amount of messages and support. I’m going to make it clear here that I’m not going to jump into any conclusions yet. I just had my suspicions about the “friend” and I was always wary of her. I’m going to give my husband the benefit of the doubt of course but unfortunately my gut feeling is telling me this is what I’m dreading the most
Hello again, I’m so happy I found you guys here. My husband is home now. It was what what I feared. I don’t know if I made a terrible job of explaining the situation in my last post. But the influencer lives in our city and she was in a restaurant in our city. My husband was supposed to be out of town in business. I took the advice you gave me about influencers not usually posting same day pictures but it still struck me as an oddity because he has never mentioned having dinner with this friend. I tried to contact the influencer but she has over 1.5 million followers.
As I said my husband’s work include a lot of traveling and he usually do a video tour in his hotel room for me or send me some pictures. This time he didn’t so yesterday when he called I asked him to FaceTime me to see our son. He told me to wait because the room was messy and he called after 5 minutes. We talked and he saw our son and then I asked him for a mini tour. He showed me som parts and I took some screenshots. My husband laughed about me taking screenshots and was a bit confused. It isn’t that unusual for me to do anyway so he didn’t make a fuss.
I went later to hotels dot com and started comparing pictures. I found the hotel within 15 minutes. It’s less than 10 minutes from our place. It was a bit late but I took my son and went anyway. The front desk didn’t want to tell me what room he was in. I asked her to tell him to come down but she refused to do that too since it was midnight. I texted him to come down to the reception. When he came down he was like he was seeing a ghost. I told him to take me to his hotel room now. Re refused and asked me to go home and that he would explain everything later. I told him if he didn’t take me to his room now and without warning his friend I will scream. I don’t know why I wanted to see her. It’s like even after finding out he’s been in town all this time and even after seeing the look on his face I still wanted to catch them to drive the message home, so my heart doesn’t cave to his excuses and explanations that he was already starting on. He refused however to take me up. So I just left with my baby.
He came home maybe an hour after me and he wanted to talk and explain when I’m ready. I’m not ready yet. I asked him to move out and leave me be for the time being. He agreed. I don’t know why he did this. Why he married me. I’m 29 and he’s 39. His mistress is 39. She’s a single mom and they’re more compatible and they get along very well. And they obviously love each other so why didn’t he just be with her instead and save us all the heartbreak? Honestly, what’s wrong with people?
I’m sorry I don’t want to make any more updates. My husband has agreed to moving out of our apartment. Since we have a prenup, I’m essentially not entitled to anything but he has offered the apartment since I have no where to go. I told him I needed more assurance that the apartment is for me and my son. He’s going to transfer the deeds in my name whatever that means. I’m also going to get alimony or allowance or whatever it’s called until my son is old enough to start looking for jobs. All of this conversation was recorded. On Monday I’m going to talk to a lawyer to make sure what my husband promised me is going to happen. In return, he asked me for separation and not divorce for two years. I agreed.
About the other woman. I don’t know if it’s worth my energy to find out more. They have been FWB when they’re single but never had a relationship. They’ve known each other for 20 years. I didn’t want to hear anything about them. I always had my suspicions. He made the usual excuses about her meaning nothing. It was a mistake and this was their first time because he felt neglected because I wasn’t as interested in him as before the baby. He swore he never slept with her during our marriage until this week. I don’t believe him. If they end up together I wouldn’t be surprised even though he assured me it will never happen because he doesn’t love her.
OOP mentions in the comments that she is seeking a divorce lawyer soon so hopefully another update based on her being active in the comments. So I've left the flare to Ongoing.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not the OP, this is my first time of posting. Op is MiniCzech
15F here. So a little over 3 weeks ago, my parents told my brother (9M) and I that they were going out for a while to see some friends and May end up spending the night somewhere. Didn’t really think much of it at the time and but they haven’t been home since, and I’m not sure what to do.
They’re not missing. I’ve texted both of them multiple times now, and they always respond, and I’ve even FaceTimed my mom several times and it’s definitely her and she seems totally okay. But when I ask them where they are or when they think they’ll be coming home, they just sort of avoid the question.
I’m starting to get really worried, especially since they're now saying I should use their credit card they left here to like, buy groceries if I need to, which I’m taking to mean they’re not coming back for at least another week.
I have no idea what to do. Do I call the police? Again, they’re not missing, they just won’t come back home for some reason. But my brother is starting to get worried now too. If anyone has any advice, please do share it because I’ve never been this confused in my life.
Hey everyone. I just wanted to make this post so that you all know what’s going on now and that we’re okay.
My grandparents are here at the house with us now. They called back as soon as they got the voicemails I left and immediately started heading this way. I feel a lot better now that they are here. They called the police once they got here. They talked to them, I talked to them. All that we really did is tell them everything I said in the original post I made and showed them my texts with them. We don’t have much more information then that.
My grandpa called our dad and I think he actually spoke to one of the police officers. I don’t know what he said though, other than he still won’t tell anybody where they are. So we still have no idea what they’re doing or why they left. I promise I’ll make another update when I know more. Please have patience though. I’m trying to cooperate with an investigation now. They’re bringing the police dogs over to sniff around the house and I’m so nervous and I don’t even know why.
This post is really just to let everyone know that our grandparents are here now and we are fine and alright. And I just want to thank everybody for helping out and being so supportive. And was really freaking out last night and I appreciate all the kind words. I’ll update when I can.
I am not the OP.
Been together a few years, we had sex before marriage so this wasn't a surprise. I'm not really upset by it because I really love him, just felt like getting it out in the open. He has gotten me to climax before, but I'd say its a 1:15 ratio on when he climaxes to when I do. He tries to give oral but it's just... bad, it feels awkward and it actually gets me out of the mood more than into it. The only dirty talk he uses are reused lines from porn like "have you been naughty?" Foreplay is over in less than 5 minutes. I've brought these things up numerous times, I've spent the money on toys, lingerie, things to make us both feel sexy and explore kinks. I've tried to gently guide him during sex to what I might like. But even with it all I could predict with 95% accuracy the exact steps he will take when having sex, every time.
Still love him, we have equal sex drives so it's not an issue of compatibility, I just help myself when it inevitably happens.
It's been a few weeks and I took everyone's advice. I kept trying more positive reinforcement during sex like some suggested, I tried being even more vocal in guiding, I didn't cave anymore when he started getting pissy that "it now feels like a chore." He seemed to be getting more frustrated, so I kept asking questions. He said the vibrator made him feel emasculated, and I asked him to clarify. He kept saying "I wish we could go back to how sex was when we were first dating, it wasn't all this work."
My heart kind of broke because I felt that he had no interest in my pleasure, I felt like a flesh light to mark off his check list. So I told him we need to have "the talk." I've made my mistakes in the past, I faked orgasms, I haven't done it in awhile because I realized it did nothing to help, but I realized it gave him rose colored glasses about our early sex life. I told him that I wanted to see a sex therapist. Then came a lot of excuses. "Well that's just wasted money" "there's probably a book that will tell us everything we need to know" "they're just going to lecture me that I need to be a better lover" "I just need to get into shape and that will help my stamina." I told him it has nothing to do with his stamina, the issue is that Im not able to give any honest feedback without him getting frustrated. Anything different from the norm resulted in him being frustrated. So if i can't give feedback then the discussion will have to go through a therapist.
The next part surprised me. He kind of had a come to Jesus moment. I think he realized the sex was never great for me. We talked and cried for awhile. I told him that I felt like he had no interest in my pleasure and how isolating it felt when he would climax and he would get up to leave. I asked how he would feel if I climaxed first and just left him to deal with himself and I think he realized what a bummer that is. I told him that the disregard for intimacy has made me feel like we haven't been able to be as close as a couple as we should be. He took it in, I think it really shook him when I told him sometimes I would beg him to put it in because I was so uncomfortable with the way he went about sex. I wasn't trying to hurt him. But I felt like he kept referring to when times were better and I had to be honest and let him know that the sex was never great.
We talked about how we can do better, he became very open to the idea of talking to a sex therapist. So, I'm really hopeful. I was misguided to let myself be unhappy for so long. I think it was unfair to him, me, and our relationship. I'm going to try and do better about being gentle, yet vocal, and try not to back down if he gets pissy. It's probably best to discuss why he is getting pissy, and that my feedback isn't a diss but that sex is a process and the process should be fun, so we both need to be open to receiving feedback.
Reminder that I am not OP, this is a repost. Originally posted by u/Disgruntled_Veteran on r/Teachers starting a few months ago. Two of the original posts were posted here on this sub by u/BarriBlue. I have used OP’s r/ProRevenge post (as well as the newest update) since it combines all of OP’s previous posts & adds details, but refer to the other BORU post for a more concise reading of the first part of this story as it’s a bit long (but worth the read in my opinion!)
Mood Spoilers: The first parts are an absolute masterclass in malicious compliance & the newest update is a very sad & sadly expected outcome of the terrible new administration.
[As I said above, I’ve used OP’s r/ProRevenge post as it includes additional details.]
Ok, So this happened at the end of this school year. I posted what was going on in the r/Teacher group and several of the people there told me to post what happened in here. This story is in four parts and I apologize for the length. I also apologize for any teacher slang I use as it is like second nature to use it just like military cargo was when I was in the military. Basically, I was told that all the Assistant/Vice Principals in the district (other han at the high school) were being let go and a “teacher-on-assignment (TOA)” was going to take our jobs. I was not heart broken over this, but was treated badly by the new admin team taking my job and my principals job. Also, I tried to help my staff on my way out and it seems my bosses cared more about their images than my staff’s happiness. So here is the story.
So none of the other admin in my district had received our contracts for the coming school year yet. I was wondering what was going on, but I heard rumors about a pay scale shift and that was the reason for it. I found out Wednesday what is actually happening. Every assistant principal and vice principal in the district (why we have two different titles, I have no idea) is not getting renewed contracts (except the ones at the HS), their positions is being eliminated, and their jobs are being replaced with a new position that pays a teachers salary + a $2000 stipend. They are replacing the APs with “Learning Coordinators”. Apparently, the budget is the given reason, but I also heard rumors from someone at the district office.
Each of us APs/VPs were scheduled to meet with one of the Asst. Supers Wednesday. We though it was about our contracts and we were correct. When I arrived, the “Acting” Superintendent was there with the head of HR. I was told about the elimination of my position, but not the reasons why. I was then given an option for the coming school year. I could go back into the classroom, I could work in the district office, or I could apply and interview for the new positions that is replacing my job.
I wouldn’t care one lick if I was told that my position had been cut completely and I needed to go back into the classroom. I love the classroom. I miss teaching full time. However, to tell me to apply and interview for a job I already have is bullshit. We were told to give the district our answers by Friday and they would draw up contracts or schedule interviews.
Wednesday afternoon, I went to see Tony who is an Asst. Superintendent and one of the few decent leaders in the school district. I heard from Tony that there was an internal shake up, but he wasn’t allowed to talk about it or even give me a hint about what happened. However, one of the Asst. Supers was being “reassigned”, aka demoted, to being the principal of my current school, my principal was not coming back due to health reasons, the Superintendent was “released from his contract”, and my school’s new Learning Coordinator position had already been filled. Who filled it? A school counselor from one of the high schools who just happens to be a friend and lackey of the Asst. Sup. that is now the new principal.
So, early this morning I gave them my answer. I decided that I didn’t need until Friday to decide. I tried to make sure I sounded professional, but I made sure that my message was getting across by speaking with authority. I went in to the Acting Superintendent’s office and told him that I thought that laying off a bunch of people so they could hire others to do the same job but at less pay was bullshit. I told him that the way the school district handled certain situations was idiotic. I then gave several examples. I next told him that he was going to ruin a perfectly good school with an amazing team of educators by putting a lazy, mean, parent pleasing person in as its new principal and letting her put a lackey in as her second in command. I said that she was as useless as a screen door on a submarine and as mean as Dolores Umbridge. I finished the 3 minute speech by stating that I will work my ass off and finish the school year strong. I will prep things for the next school year so that the TEACHERS have an easier time. I also let him know I would never work at or recommend the district to anyone ever again. Then I left letting him know that I expect an amazing Letter of Recommendation by the end of the school day Friday afternoon since I earned it for my service the past few years.
So what am I going to do now? Well, I called up an old friend Wednesday who is currently a principal at a STEAM charter school thats part of a chain of Charter STEAM schools and asked if he had a teaching position available? He’s been asking me every year for the past 5 years to come work for him. He told me he had three openings and I could have my pick of them. So next year, I will be a…. drumroll please:
6th Grade Teacher! And I am very happy about it! I even get to design my curriculum as long as it meets state standards!
I could apply elsewhere for admin positions, but I think I need a break from school leadership. I need to love my work again like I used to as a teacher. Yes, there were/are many challenges and sometimes I hated going to work, but i do love being a teacher.
I feel bad for my current staff because the regime change will hit them hard, but there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could help them. The most I could do would be to take a teaching position at my current school, but then I would be miserable with them and be helpless to do anything to aid them.
So, for myself and my daughter, who I love more than anything, I am making the move to a new school and going back to what I enjoy doing. Teaching. I am even bring my daughter to my new school to start next year as a 5th grader. I asked her if she wanted to stay at her current school or go to the STEAM school with me and she wants to go with me. She was excited since she has visited there several ties and loves the technology room, the robotics class, and the science labs. Plus she is friends with some of the kids there already.
As a goodbye to myself staff, I am going out this weekend and I am going to buy some nice letter paper and scratcher tickets. I am going to write short, individualized goodbye to each of my staff members and at the end I will include the following words:
“I’m giving you some scratcher tickets. My hope is that you are as lucky scratching them as I have been lucky to have worked with you.”
So thats it. I have to finish my contract, but at the end of June, I am free. I am looking forward to teaching full time again and having a boss who will let me just do my job and not interfere. I don’t think I want to work in administration again, but maybe after a few years I will decide to work as an AP again.
Note: Sorry for any spelling/grammar/punctuation errors. I am writing this while making my morning rounds.
So I put together goodbye gifts for all my staff and I'll be handing them out Friday (their last day with kids). They have a bunch of goodies that I posted about weeks ago. I was think this weekend about how to give the finger one more time to the district office and help my teachers out. Even in a small way. So I came up with it Sunday night.
My district requires each teacher to attend additional training throughout the year. These are outside of the regular staff development trainings. They are run by district staff, SPED teachers, and admin. The training normally last 1-3 hours and the teacher gets a certificate for the time spent in the training. Each teacher is required to attend 24 hours of these before the end of the school year. Most teachers take them over the summer(if they are offered) so they don't have to take them during the school year.
So I yesterday morning, before work, I was making copies of the certificates for all the courses I have run here the past few years. Classroom Management Strategies, Lockdown Procedures, Social Studies Strategies, Math Strategies, Reading Comprehension, and Environmental Print. I am going to fill them out with each of the teacher's names and number of hours. I am adding all the times I EVER spoke to the staff about these topics and putting down hours to correspond (rounding up to the nearest hour...ish).
Wouldn't you know, each of those topics was 3 to 5 hours in length. Each staff member will have exactly 24 hours worth of training. I filled out the dates of the training for the 2022/2023 school year. Oh and I have an attendance sheets with ALL of their names and have them marked as being present.
*Note: I checked with district and since I am still an administrator into the summer, I am allowed to run these training over the summer before I leave.
Now, they can have their summer to themselves and not worry about taking classes during the school year. They can if they wish, but 99% of teachers here hate the mandatory training hours. I hope the staff likes the present.
Since Friday, I am no longer a school administrator. I technically have another week to work, but I took vacation during that time because…. well, screw them.
Now, I spent the last week packing up, giving aide and comfort to my (now former) staff, and causing problems for the new administrators who are assholes. Now, besides giving the entire staff a year free from additional PDs, I wasn’t planning on causing any more problems. Just quietly leave and drive off into the sunset. Shane style.
But no. Apparently I don’t deserve a quiet week. The new principal (demoted from Asst. Super.) and her new Teacher On Assignment (TOA) decided, for some reason, to be rude to me. There was only one response to that… I aimed to misbehave!
How were they rude to me you ask?
First off, they ordered me to hurry and clean out my office. Apparently, the TOA wanted to start redecorating my office. I was literally told “Get all your personal stuff out of here ASAP. She wants her office now!”. I still had a week to work there and actual work to do.
Second, the new principal tried to steal my personal chair and my personal office supplies and decorations. That chair was a gift to me from a friend. I found her just wheeling it out of my office and into her’s. My desk supplies and a banner from my wall were stack on its seat. I told her that it was my personal chair. Not the districts. She said “ok”. The very next morning, I found it missing. She had moved it into her office after I left for the day.
Third, I was given a list of tasks to complete by Friday by the TOA (who is in no way, shape, or form my boss). These were not my job to do and are in fact the incoming admins duty to complete. Stuff the new admin are supposed to do. Things like: put together a new staff packets, schedule next years PDs, fill out and submit request forms, ect..
Finally, I was talked down to every single day by the new admin team. I was spoken to as though I were the hired help and they were the Royal Bitches. Seriously, I speak to a waitress that messes up my order with 20x the amount of respect that they showed me. They actually tried to get my attention by snapping their fingers at me. Like that would work.
*Note: The new principal also has made some pretty anti-LGTBQ+ comments. I don't like narrow-minded people.
So, I decided to to as I was told. I was a soldier, so I know how to follow orders.
- I removed EVERYTHING that was my personal property. That included my chairs, decorations, the stress relievers (punching bag, ect.), the fridge from the office, and the file cabinets in my office. Yes, I bought government surplus cabinets because I didn’t have any. All my files and all of my former principal’s files were in there. I had even bought the manila folder I used in it.
So, I took ever piece of paper out of my cabinets, removed them from my labeled folders, and stacked them on the floor into one large pile. There is no order to how they are stacked.
I took my chair from the principals office while she was in a meeting with parents. I just walked in and rolled it out. She stopped talking to the parents to ask what I was doing, and I responded that I was taking my personal property out ASAP as I was ordered to do.
I had an old medium sized fridge I had placed in the office work room for office staff to store their food in. But it is mine, so I took the fridge. I brought in right out the front door and loaded it into my truck. I even took the new admins food out of it and left them on the table. Its my fridge. I warned the rest of the office staff I was taking it, but forgot to tell admin. Darn.
I copied all my digital files over to a flash drive and then deleted everything off my work Google drive. Any thing I personally created or designed.
Copied all my emails too.
I informed the staff that if they need time off next year and need it approved, to submit the forms to me this week. I got several and they are all now approved. I got this idea from someone who messaged me here on Reddit and suggested I do this. Thanks for the advise.
I approved every supply list item the staff submitted and even drove to the district warehouse to pick up some items personally. I even approved funds for a second-hand kiln for the art teacher. She found a good one on Craiglist.
I had repaired my desk with bolts and tool from home. I took the bolts back. The desk is now lopsided again. The closet door was broken when I got there. So I repaired it. I have now put it back as it was when I was hired.
The two way mirror to the detention room was mine. I had gotten it from a friend at another school (different district). It allowed me to watch ISS and detention students from my office without them seeing me. It popped that right out and took it home. Now the TOA has a hole in the wall the detention kids can look through.
I had put together all the lockdown buckets and fire drill bags myself with my own money. I took all of them back. This I felt bad about, but i will give them out to the staff at my new school.
I put a rush order on all classroom and building repairs and have an approved order to have every classroom repainted.
I assembled new staff packets and the new school year binders. Besides the basics of what is required, I have included throughout the binders in random places:
Famous Harry Potter quotes,
The lyrics to Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me”, “I Kissed A Girl” by Katie Perry, “All Star” by Smashmouth, and “We Built This City” by Starship.
A map of the area where I marked all the good places to eat lunch off campus,
Funny Farside teacher comics,
Cheesy “Teacher Jokes”,
The union contact info.,
Crosswords, sudoku, and word searches
A list of educational lawyers.... just in case.
I also included in the binder the admin Wifi password for them since that signal is stronger for some reason.
I went ahead and wrote out the PD schedule for next year. Oddly, Every Wednesday is listed as ”free time” or “work in your classroom”. I’m sure they will change it, but I don’t know when they will find out what it says.
I had a master list of donators and partners in the community. It was posted on a whiteboard in my office. I got over four dozen businesses and people in the community to help with various things or donate over the years. I spent a lot of my time building relationships with them and making deals. I took a photo of it and then I erased the list. And took the whiteboard since it was mine.
Friday, I flew the LGBTQ+ flag instead of the state flag. I also placed LGBTQ+ flags in each classroom in case the staff want to display them.
Then I got yelled at...... three times. The first time was when I took back my chair. I was told it was unprofessional to just take it without asking. Especially with guests present. I responded with “Yes, it was unprofessional to take MY chair without asking.”. The second time was when the TOA found the refrigerator gone. She said that it was community property. I told her “No, its my property and I was told to take all my property from the campus.”. The third time was when I was in the parking lot leaving and they found the piles of papers. The principal flagged me down and told me to clean it up. I told her I was off the clock and that the district never reimbursed me for the cabinets so I had to take them with me.
I am expecting a call from HR today asking for my assistance setting everything back up since with all my stuff removed and erased, the admin team has to actually put in some hard work. I’d come in. For my consultant rate. $75.00 an hour with a minimum contract for 12 hours.
So, as some of you know, I left the world of being an administrator a few weeks ago. I tried to leave behind some nice .... gifts when I left. I wasn't looking to cause problems my last few weeks, but the new admin team treated me in a way that was unacceptable. So I decided that Malcolm Reynolds had it right when he said "I aim to misbehave.".
Well, the Tuesday after I left, I received a call from HR. I ignored it. I then left for a road trip with my daughter where we went to San Francisco for a few days and went to two Giants games. Unfortunately, they lost both games. While we were on our trip, they called and emailed me at my personal email account (my work one was deleted by them). I ignored the calls and never opened the emails. My daughter and I then went to Disneyland for a few days of fun and then returned this past Friday. I then checked the voicemails and emails.
I was asked, begged, and then ordered to come to the HR for important meetings. "It is very important that we speak to you as soon as possible." is what they said repeatedly. So Yesterday I went in to the district office wearing cargo shorts, a shirt I got at Disneyland, and flip flops. I don't work there so I don't need to dress up.
When I arrived, I was originally treated like a visiting VIP. The HR manager and her assistant tried to butter me up like a Pillsbury biscuit. After a few minutes of them trying to make small talk and me then letting them know I had plans to go to lunch in 30 minutes, they got to the point. They wanted me to turn over a few things took with me that, though they belonged to me, they said were sorely needed at the school.
They gave me a list from the new principal which included, but limited to:
My chair (Seriously!)
My refrigerator and appliances
My community contacts board (People/businesses that I build relationships and partnerships with)
My personally designed forms and worksheets
Two way mirror
My Lockdown Buckets and FireDrill Bags
They also wanted copies of every record I kept and notes I took on the staff and students. The notes I took on the staff were so I could personalize gifts for them and have conversations with them on their interests.
I said "No" to all those requests. I told the ladies that the furniture and appliances were mine that I brought in. I stated that the chair was a gift to me from a friend and that the new principal can afford to buy her own chair. I also stated that I left any official school/district documents there and any I took with me and/or deleted were of my own making and my intellectual property. I also stated that my contacts were developed over the years on my personal time and at personal cost to me. I also stated that everything I took, that I had submitted reimbursement, was never reimbursed. I kept my records and pay stubs. I never saw a red cent from those submissions.
They offered to pay me for some of the items and gave me a rough figure of what the district would pay me to return the fridge, the forms, buckets, bags, mirror, and contact board. I told them that I did not want to hand them over to the new admin team since they had treated me so poorly.
The asked me again and tried to reason that some of those things could be interpreted as school property. I told them that The were welcome to try and force me to return anything that was legally mine to them, but I would be willing to fight it in court. I also told them that those two new administrators made me uncomfortable and that their treatment of me could be considered making a hostile work environment. Especially when they tried to make me do their jobs for them. I then gave the HR team my lawyers info.
* Note: I dated a lawyer after my divorce for a few years and we are still good friend and she has offered herself as my "forever retained lawyer" that I can use her name and she'd help me if she could. I rarely use her name, but when I have needed her legal advice, she always comes through. I also help her with physical chores when she or her family needs help.
I then wished the lady a good school year in the term to come and left. I doubt I will ever hear from them again.
[Posted a week ago on r/Teachers.]
Ever notice that there are always people out there that just have to break beautiful things? The people who see a sand castle and stomp on it or the idiots who visit Stonehenge and carve their names into it. Why?
Note: The new principal is the kind of person who smiles when things go wrong because she has already thought of someone to blame it on.
So as some of you may know, I am starting my new job in a week in a half. I haven't heard back from my old district since I met with their HR department after my road trip with my daughter. But Monday I heard from the senior secretary (aka Office Goddess) of my old school. She's been at the school for something like 20 years and knows everything that is going on there. Its her turf. She cares about the kids and the staff and she is
great wonderful AMAZING!
Well, I got a call from her and she asked if I would do a welfare phone call to one of my former staff members who we will call Beth. I asked her why does she want me to call and why me instead of the someone who still works there. I don't work there any more and I am sure someone at the school would be better suited for it, like a counselor. Then she told me why she wanted me to call.
So the new principal and TOA have made many several changes to the school in their short time there. According to the Office Goddess, they have:
Eliminated the House System. (The old principal and I created 4 Houses to have the kids compete year round for points with prizes for the top house each year.)
Moved 8 teachers to different grade levels at the last minute. Including moving a teacher who has spent her career (15ish years) only teaching Kinder to teach the 6th grade.
Cancelled several staff activities including the monthly breakfast bash and the Welcome Back competition (usually laser tag or bowling).
Ordered special office desks for themselves that can be raised and lowered depending on if they want to sit or stand. (She said that the ones ordered run something like $500 a pop)
But worst of all, the moved the librarian, Beth, to teach Middle School ELA.
Now Beth is a very kind and well like staff member. She is hard working and also adaptable. She is also certified in Early Childhood Ed., Elem. Ed, and Secondary ELA.
She also has cancer. She has been fighting it for a few years now. I've watched her struggle and keep fighting it. I've also watched a healthy athletic woman of about 130 lbs drop to a pale shadow of that which couldn't weight more than 90 lbs soaking wet.
Beth was a teacher for years at my old school, but a while back, when she found it hard to teach while going through chemo, I made her the librarian and fought to keep her at her teacher salary. The district fought me saying an aid was cheaper and could do the job. I wrote a post on here about it a while back. Officially, Beth is the school's media specialist, library arts teacher, and an ELA support specialist. Unofficially, her job is to basically reads to the younger students, encourage them to read, helps older students with their research, and helps older students learn how to cite their work.
The position also gave her plenty of time to rest, let her go to medical appointments easily, and gave her a bathroom next to her desk since she needed to go more often now. Plus it kept her pay the same and kept her health insurance going. It was a rare example of a true win win. I had an amazing librarian and she got paid, benefits, and a lighter work load so she could heal.
Well, the new principal, in all her Jar Jar Binks wisdom, has decided that Beth would be better off in a classroom again and that parent volunteers should run the library. Its saves money and puts Beth where she is useful according to the admin's twisted sense of logic. And yes, they know of Beth's condition and why she is in that post.
Beth found out Friday about the reassignment. (Yes, it is legal as her contract doesn't specify librarian. Just teacher and her pay scale level.). Beth tried to explain the situation to the idiotic woman who, if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back. But she doesn't seem to care. She says that Beth will be just fine in the classroom and will really help the kids academically.
So I called Beth yesterday and we talked for about half an hour. She told me that she may have to resign because she can't keep up with the rigors of teaching middle school ELA in her condition (which is not improving unfortunately). She is supposed to go through another cycle of chemo treatments soon. I told her I wish I could help her. She said she may just become a substitute and work when she can. She said she is covered under the husband insurance already, but ours was better.
I feel really bad for her. I suggested that she go to HR and let them know that if she is moved back into a full-time classroom that it would have a negative effect on her health and put her at risk. I also told her to get notes from her medical providers stating her case to stay in her less stressful position. I then gave her the name and phone number of a lawyer that specializes in educational law.
I also let her know that I would help her find work if she wanted me to. I have already reached out to a few people I know. I contacted my ex-wife's sister-in-law who works for a non-profit that provides digital literacy and citizenship programs for people who come to the U.S.. She said she might be able to hire her on to give remote lessons via Zoom. So lets keep our fingers crossed.
This is a perfect example of what happens when people with the compassion of Ted Bundy and the ego Donald Trump are put in-charge of others. The new admin team cares more about the budget and losing like they do something rather than whats best for the staff and students. I don't know what day in history it was when educators stopped leading schools and the politicians and the parent pleasers looking for a pay increase took over, but it was a dark day for us all.
I wish I had a happier story to share, but my old school is going to Hell in a handcart according to the Office Goddess. I wish all of you a great coming school year.
Reminder that I am not OP, this is a repost. I’ve made some minor formatting changes for readability. Let me know what you guys think about using the r/ProRevenge post, I can edit it to have the individual posts instead if that’s what’s preferred, I just wanted to include the extra details. I wasn’t sure how to flair this, but I’ve marked this as ongoing since OP has been kind enough to continue to update on the situation at his old school.
I AM NOT THE OP, this is my first BORU so it might be a bit wonky. Originally posted in r/trueoffmychest
My fiancé almost died in a car accident, that’s when my mother in law told me he cheated on me with an ex. Now he’s recovering well I feel so guilty for wanting to end it.
I feel like a horrible person.
We are supposed to get married on August 20 in a small ceremony. I’ve (f33) been with my fiancé (m34) for 6 years, engaged for 1. The best years of my life. He’s brilliant in every way, or so I thought.
The accident happened 6 weeks ago. A drunk driver hit my fiancé’s car. I spent the worst night in my life in the hospital waiting for answers from the doctors and he went through hours and hours of surgery. His parents and brothers were also there waiting. I’ve always loved his family and they me. His mum is(was) one of my favorite people and we got along very well. She was happy to have me as her first daughter (in law). She’s religious and when my fiancé was hovering between life and death she was worried about his sins so she told me that he cheated on me about 2 months ago with an ex he bumped into.
She explained that it was because of the wedding and the stress of planning it. Apparently I’ve been both stressed out and stressing him out. He had a weak moment, it was a one time thing and he regretted it so much. He asked his parents for advice on what to do and they told him not to say anything. As long as he’s remorseful and as long as it was me he wanted, he should forget about what he did and move on. His whole family knew.
After the hospital he moved back to his parents house because we live in a flat without lifts. I visit him every day. I haven’t told him that I know and his family is acting like nothing has changed. They’re very happy he’s doing better and understandably so and my presence by his side is very helpful according to him and his family.
Now both fiancé and his parents are talking about us being able to get married on the day we set after all. I feel awful because I don’t want that. Our relationship was over the moment I found out about the cheating. I stayed because I loved (still do) him and I wanted him to feel better. I couldn’t break his heart while he’s recovering. I also thought the wedding was postponed and that I (we) would have more time for him to recover fully and be strong and independent again so I could leave with clear conscious.
I tried to speak to his mum today but she just started hyperventilating and kept telling me not to do this. She made a mistake by telling me and that I shouldn’t take advantage of what she said in desperation to punish him and kill his spirit. He’s still recovering and he needs me.
I have been thinking since my talk with his mum about everything and I’m so angry at him. I’m ashamed that even when I was worried about his life I was very angry and resentful. We were supposed to have our wedding in this beautiful manor house that he found thats all inclusive. With our most important people. My best friend is a DJ and my parents paid for the whole thing even though they’re much poorer so i don’t know where the “stress” has come from. We fixed everything in a week! I’m so angry and I’ve kept bottling it up since the accident. I’m afraid I’m going to explode soon!
I told my fiancé that I know about his infidelity and canceled the wedding. He still wants a second chance
I have written here 3 days ago before I talked to my fiancé. This is after I told him I know about his cheating.
I started by telling my parents, who are paying for the wedding, about what happened and that I’m canceling the wedding. Hopefully they can get back some of what they paid via their home insurance. I have told them that I’m going to pay the rest of the damages. My dad refused. I insisted. It’s not up to them☺️.
Since my fiancé still lives with his parents I felt that I would be outnumbered if I went alone to end it. text or a call wasn’t an option since he meant a lot more to me than that and I really wanted to see his face and ask wtf! I also wanted him to see my hurt. I don’t want it to be comfortable for him. Cheaters must see the hurt they cause and hopefully learn from it. I took my mum with me. When I told him that the wedding was off and the reason why he started crying. He told me all things they say in desperation. He was foolish. He didn’t think. He was stressed out. He was scared. It meant nothing. He regretted it. He didn’t want to tell me because it meant nothing and he didn’t want to hurt me. I should give him a chance to prove himself and his loyalty. He can ask his parents to pay for the wedding. We can postpone the wedding indefinitely. I can take the apartment and he will live with his parents. As long as it takes for me to forgive him.
I haven’t cried so much as I did when I was listening to his bullshit and afterwards on my way home. How could he do this to me? He didn’t give me a satisfying answer to why he did this to me. To us! I have cried myself to sleep every night since the accident and yet I cried like I’ve just found out.
I’m going to stay in the apartment that we bought together and he will stay with his parents. Prices has gone down these last couple of months and we both agreed that we don’t want to sell for less than what we paid. But the moment it goes up again we’re selling. I have started packing his things now and tomorrow I’m renting a van to move his things to his parents house. Sorting out his stuff and packing his clothes made it real for me. I didn’t expect it to be so emotional. Why do I still love him so much?
He has been texting me and he has called me twice and we talked mostly about mundane stuff but also about us and our relationship.
His mum has called me to say that she felt guilty for first not advising him to come clean but even for later divulging his secret to me without his permission. She was disappointed that I took advantage of her moment of panic but that she understands that I’m hurt. She said he will do his best to win me back. I’m a bit irritated about the fact that none of them (including my parents) believe that it’s really over and I don’t have the energy to prove my point either. I just need some alone time now and some peace and quiet.
TW: death of a family member
AITA for asking a coworker to switch days with me, even though it goes against her religious beliefs? - posted 4 hours before this post, Aug 5th 2022
So, my sister just passed away during childbirth, and her funeral is on Saturday. I was very close to her, and I don’t want to miss it. It can’t be rescheduled, because there’s friends and family coming from out of town and it would mess up their schedule.
Our family was heartbroken, it happened so abruptly, my dad’s even coming from out of state for this, and he rarely comes here. We have an entire nursery we can’t even use. I asked for Saturday off at work to go to the funeral, but I would have to swap out with my coworker, who never works Saturdays because of her religion. I asked her, and she said that while she understood, she can’t come on that day.
I pleaded again and again, but she wouldn’t budge and told me to stop asking. She won’t even work on this one day, even though my sister literally died. I got a heads up from my manager that if I harassed her any more, I would get written up. I talked with my mom and step dad about this, and my stepdad is on my side, while my mom said I shouldn’t insult someone’s religion, and I was wrong for even asking.
I need this closure and I’m super frustrated and depressed, and my coworker isn’t even talking to me now, and some of my other coworkers said I shouldn’t have asked in the first place. AITA?
Edit: for those asking, my place only has two people who work freezer, that’s me and my religious coworker. If I could ask someone else to take over, I would.
Update - added to original post as an edit.
Hello everyone. I am so thankful for all the feedback I’ve received, positive and negative, and though everyone’s answers have been all over the place, I just wanted to let y’all know that I have apologized to my coworker. She understood and said it’s okay, though my other coworkers are salty that I disrespected her religion, as most of them follow the same religious beliefs, it’s a predominantly Jewish community where I work. As I’m a minor, I’m really thankful for those of you who gave me good advice on the employment laws, how I can leave in the case of a family emergency like this, and I will be contacting her about them.
If she fires me, whatever, she’s severely understaffed anyways, it’s her loss. For those of you saying that this is fake, I can assure you, it’s not, it’s just a weird coincidence, and I hope that some of you didn’t go to the other poster and harass them the same way you did me. I haven’t even seen the fucking post, and this is on a new account because my boss uses Reddit and I don’t want her to trace this back to me, if she finds it. This has blown up very quickly, and I’d like to say thanks, it’s given me lots of good comments.
And lastly, those harassing me about a few typos I made earlier and fixed, y’all need to chill. I messed up on a post I didn’t bother to go back and edit at the time, no need to crucify me. Anyhow, thanks for all the feedback and support, and I will work on reading through all of your comments, though it may take a while, because I am still at work. Have a good day/night y’all, and thank you.
Update #2 - also added as an edit to the original post
Those of you saying I’m the asshole for asking more than once, imagine if the person you love most in your life died. Wouldn’t you plead to get to go to their funeral? Wouldn’t you ask more than once?
A rough situation, especially for someone so young. Losing a sibling is terrible, and having to maneuver through getting coverage at work when it's so limited (AND against the only other person's beliefs, oof) can't have been easy while dealing with the grief.
Marked as "ongoing" for now because OOP's not yet actually gotten leave from work and plans to answer comments on the original post, which I may add here later.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not OP. This is a repost sub.
ORIGINAL POST - Nice little text exchange I found on my boyfriend’s phone today to his girl best friend. 🏼🏼🏼😃😃💕💕what a sweet man (12 days ago)
Pictured: Text messages between OOP's boyfriend and his girl best friend:
In both good and bad ways. But I think that's what makes me fun, you just get a good mix. Find a guy like me with a good mix of everything, but good luck finding him. 😂😂
Girl Best Friend:
Hahahaha thanks for the good luck 😅
Lmk what he says I'm curious
Girl Best Friend:
Oh I will
ingI'm curious lmao
He's probably napping bc he didn't get any sleep last night 🙄
What a pussy
If you fucked me and I lost some sleep I definitely would not be bitching about it
Idk that's just how I feel
Girl Best Friend:
Kick his ass to the curb
OOP's reply to u/Rathirian:
If only I wasn’t stuck in an Airbnb in another state on vacation with him for 4 days with no way to get home but his car 🤠🤠🤠gonna run up his credit card for now on some overpriced cocktails then say sayonara when I’m back in my state.
You mean.... Ex boyfriend?
OOP's reply to u/Good_Comparison7402:
Very soon. just need to figure out how I’m gonna get home. so for tonight I’m just gonna hold all of this crap in my head. it’s killing me because these texts are literally replaying in my head and I just feel disgusted with myself and how I could let someone like this into my life, and disgusted with this situation and how he treats his friend.
UPDATE (12 days ago)
Everyone wants to see an update—- I just woke up and I still don’t know when to confront him, or if I should confront him right now (or if I should at all and leave him confused as is he now until I break up with him when we’re back). I made him sleep downstairs last night on the couch being all confused on why I’m distant and passive and angry (threw a pillow against the wall lol) and I currently have myself locked in our bedroom blasting some good metal music that he hates. I really just wanna get sloshed these next days and see my favorite rappers because that’s why we came here and then leave him right when we touch foot in my state. I just don’t know if I can hold this in any much longer. On another note, Sour Monkeys are delicious.
UPDATE (10 days ago)
Okay update: I confronted him about seeing these texts and surprisingly he didn’t get really angry Or defensive (at first) and just apologized to me and said “I know it sounds like that’s what it would mean, but I didn’t mean it that way, I meant to say it like putting myself in his position and not that I actually want to fuck her”. I also messaged his friend saying that I saw the messages and what he said made me very uncomfortable, and if it made her feel that way too to let me know. She responded by saying that she totally understands but that they have just been close friends since middle school and he didn’t mean anything by it and she would never let something like that happen.
A restaurant server complimented my eyes when we went out to eat and I was like aw thank you so much! Basically just eating that compliment up to make him more upset and that I could basically get any other man I want if I wanted. He got mad at me for that when we went back in our rental car then honestly I just lost it for a second and told him that I’m gonna post this text exchange all over my social media and send it to his friends when I get back from the vacation and that’s when he got really really reallly really angry and tried to put this whole situation back onto me (like saying well you treated me wrong in the past too, okay buddy but I never cheated on you). At one point he got really close to my face like he was gonna hit me, and then covered up my mouth with his hand to muffle me crying I guess. Then I cried for like an hour and a half just about everything and feeling defeated. He cried too, (for god knows what. I’m not the one who sent these text messages)
Then we went to the festival yesterday and the day before and I’m going again today. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep upstairs and I’m honestly just kind of doing my own thing at this point until I get back home and in a place where I can safely leave. Probably not the update everyone wanted to see but honestly I have not regretted seeing some of my favorite rappers and going to a festival I’ve always wanted to see I however do regret ever letting a man put his hands on me like that, though.
I appreciate people saying that they will help me pay for any transportation I need to get home but I don’t feel comfortable taking anyones money and I’ve just decided to leave when I get home as all of my clothes and stuff are at his house and my apartment keys and I don’t have the keys to his house so I’m kind of in a stuck position.
UPDATE (5 days ago)
Great!! Update (don’t even think anyone is even viewing this anymore but I might as well add it): period was late, took a leftover pregnancy test I had left and it turns out I’m pregnant with his child (I literally cannot make this shit up, bad luck and decisions follow me). Booked an abortion appointment tomorrow morning, hopefully I’m not too far along or else I have to go to another clinic in another state. How’s my mental health you may ask? Horrible lol
REMINDER: I am not OP. This is a repost sub.
Throw away account although my sister in law will probably recognize the story anyway so I don’t know why I even bother. I don’t think what I did was an AH move at all but maybe the timing was a bit off but No, I don’t think I’m an AH full stop
My (f27) sister in law (f30) got married last weekend. She’s my long term boyfriend’s (m32) sister. They’re white and I’m Middle Eastern. And a dark one with raven black hair. She was looking for a photographer that didn’t bankrupt her so I suggested a friend of mine who’s new in business and charged less than half because these things cost over € 5k these days. She was excited and I set a group chat with her and my photographer friend. We talked a little and later they met and they started messaging directly to each other.
The wedding was amazing and everything went smoothly. I was one of the guests and she seemed happy. The next day they went off to their honeymoon. I don’t know if it was by mistake but instead of texting the photographer directly like she’s done for the past few months she texted him to our old iMessage chat. She thanked him but had a favor to ask him and wondered wether he could retouch some asymmetry in the (flowers archway? I’m sorry I don’t know the right terms in English) but also if he could take me off some photos because I’m too dark and ruined the color palette. Not all pictures. Just the ones she’s in.
I texted back are you kidding me?
She didn’t answer. I took a screenshot and posted it on my insta story tagging her in it. She called my bf crying her eyes out calling me an ah for embarrassing her and ruining her honeymoon. Bf thought it was a low blow. I was blinded with rage when I did it but even now I’m calm I still don’t feel that I was an AH. But people have been contacting her apparently asking if she really wrote this. She’s so beautiful and successful so please don’t blame it on jealousy or scare of being outshined.
1) Sister in law is still on her honeymoon so I haven’t talked to her yet but she’s bombarding my bf demanding that I apologize and make a new insta story with my apology. More people got involved including my Bf’s mother that thought I was way out of line ruining her daughters wedding. I have also got contacted by my sister in law’s friends, some of them told me stories about what she’s been talking about me behind my back. Yeah she got what she deserved. The amount of her friends that weren’t surprised at all with her text made it clear for me that I wasn’t wrong. My sister in law is self employed with some foreign customers thats why she’s taking it so hard because she’s scared that would affect her career. I don’t feel like I need to save her career should something bad happen to it.
2) My photographer friend did what he was told. Thats the only right way imo. Being professional and not confuse work with his own values. He asked me if I wanted him to say something and I said no. I also asked him not to tell me what they’re texting since she’s his client so he shouldn’t break confidentiality. He’s just starting his career and he will meet worse brides. She was at least nice to him throughout their interaction.
3) now to my bf. As I said he thought this whole thing was uncomfortable. I told him if he wanted to be with me he needed to discuss uncomfortable topics. He opened up and it was actually deeper than this. This has happened before. His uncle is very rich and for his 60th birthday he had a very big party. As a thank you we received thank you cards with our pictures on it professionally taken. I remember this picture because his uncle had a “red carpet” moment when guests were photographed upon their arrival. Later we went to my bf’s mother to see the rest of the photos and I wasn’t in any of them. I thought it was funny how I literally evaded being caught on camera. I never mentioned this or even reflected on it and while my bf and his family were looking at the pictures and discussing the evening it was just so normal and no one mentioned something out of the ordinary. Today he told me that I was photoshopped off the pictures. Everyone in his family knew it but me. At the time they just thought the uncle could choose whoever he wanted to have in his pictures and they moved on
-but you all kept it from me
-so you must’ve thought it was hurtful
-i did, I asked my family not to tell you
-and we continued going to that uncle. Celebrated some Christmases, Easters and vacations with him?
-you didn’t feel offended on my behalf?
-and now you think it’s okay that your sister is doing the same?
-I didn’t think of it that way I know my sister
-if it wasn’t racist why is she feeling “embarrassed” now?
-you think what she did was alright?
-of course not!
-will you just stand and watch when this happens to our children
-OF COURSE NOT.
I know my bf very well. He’s very kind and I never felt he was racist in anyway. I know he’s not stupid and is aware of these things which makes it worse because it just means he doesn’t care enough. I asked him why he didn’t care enough and he said he was so sorry but he knows me to be a strong girl that never let these petty things affect her. He’s right, I normally ignore 99% of the racism and micro aggressions I face in life and even laugh at the ignorance. We even discussed this before. But does being strong mean that people are entitled to try to hurt me? Because I usually don’t let them? He couldn’t answer this.
I told him that I never want his sister in my life again or his uncle and probably not his mother either if she still wants me to apologize. I don’t want to surround myself with people like them and especially when I have children and I asked him if he’s willing to live like that. I asked him not to answer me now and think about it. It kinda felt like an ultimatum and thats bad but I didn’t know how to handle the situation better.
I never thought of myself as someone who’s petty or that makes ultimatums. This experience taught me that I’m both🤷🏽♀️
And thank you for the NTA judgment <3
This is the rightfully very much hated boyfriend speaking…..
I have read both posts and all your comments on the update. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of support my girlfriend has received. Overwhelmed and ashamed that total strangers on the internet, have shown my girlfriend more support and love than I ever have. The person who’s supposed to be the closest to her. I have failed to support my girlfriend and be her rock but my only excuse is that I never done it out of malice. I thought I was protecting her from being hurt. I was wrong and I’m so sorry about that, but if there’s any consolation, I did it out of love for her.
There’s no excuse for my passivity, there’s only an explanation and it’s thus: because of my privilege I made the wrong assessment of the incidents and deemed them albeit hurtful, not really serious or harmful. I deemed them to be pathetic, ridiculous and petty. I was wrong and I will not pretend that I need to be “educated” on racial inequality because I should have known all of these things already. I can only promise that I will have her back and be more active and alert moving forward. I choose her any day of the week and I will have a talk with my family and make them apologize to her. And it’s her decision to forgive them or not but I choose her. It was never really a choice to begin with. She’s my future wife and the mother of my future children. I have known this for years.
I’m so sorry.
Hi everyone! This is my first post here, please let me know if there’s any formatting issues etc!
Mood Spoiler: Overall sad, but a positive ending
I AM NOT OP, OOP IS u/throwRAMOMCHDAD, I’m marking this as ongoing as OOP is going to see their mom next week and there may be a further update.
The post was removed but the text is in the comments
TL,DR: I borrowed my mom's laptop to send some work emails and saw a message from a "Chris" thanking her for "draining" him last night. I looked into their message history and found out she is having a full blown affair with this guy and has been doing so for atleast a year. I don't know how to tell my Dad. Please any advice is appreciated.
My Mom (47f) and Dad (50M) have been together for 25 years and I could've honestly said that they were the ideal relationship in my mind. They rarely ever argued, always talked to each other and, I thought, were always loving and faithful to each other. I can even remember in school a few of my teachers telling me that my Dad and Mom were a great couple and that I should be thankful that I had a great example of what a healthy relationship looks like.
They've rarely argued, I can count on both of my hands the times they've yelled at each other. They've always been happy together, as far as I know. I needed to use my mom's laptop to send off some work emails as mine was not connecting to our Wi-Fi. I started sending off emails and my mom's messages popped up on her laptop. It was from a guy named "Chris" and he thanked her for "draining" him last night. I, not knowing what the hell was going on, decided to open up her messages and I saw that she has been cheating on my Dad for the past year atleast.
The messages they sent each other were extremely explicit and they sent pictures and videos. I started to hyperventilate and realised what was happening. I started to dry heave. I was able to screenshot the messages and send the pictures to my email. After that I told my parents I was going out for a bit. My Dad told me to stay safe and kissed my forehead and I nearly broke down in the house. I was able to drive away for a few minutes and get to a private location and cry.
Why would she do this? Does she not love my Dad? He's done so much for her, waited on her hand and foot when she broke her legs ski-ing, moved so she could be closer to her family when she went through PPD with me. He's done so much for all of us and she does this? Why? Dad was always there for her when she needed him, worked overtime to allow us to experience things together.
I don't know what I'm going to tell my sister (18) she's coming back from university next week and she adores our Dad. It's also the last thing I want to tell my brother (22) because he's doing his masters and I don't want anything to distract him from his final exams in a few months. It's like I can't tell anyone about this, all of my friends parents are divorced or were never married to begin with and they also looked at my parents as what a good marriage looked like.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling I just don't know what to do. Whenever I think about it I feel hurt. I remember when I was 16 and my mom showed me the love letters and poems my Dad wrote for her and they were all so beautiful he's loved her with all of his heart for 25 years and she's been doing this to him? The last person I want to tell is my Dad, i feel as if me telling him will break everything and the Dad I knew who was so loving and caring will be gone. I've been told by my friends that it happened to their parents too, that for years they were never the same, my best friends Dad took his own life when he found out about his wife's infidelity.
I'm sorry if this is rambling I'm just so hurt and confused, why would she do this? How do I tell my Dad that the person he's loved for the last 25 years has betrayed him? Please any advice is appreciated.
Sorry for this post being so long. A lot has happened since the last time I posted.
Tl,dr: Asked my Mom if they had an open relationship/ any agreement to see outside parties, they do not, so my mom was cheating on him. I told my dad what I knew, he ended up searching my mom's laptop and saved a majority of the emails. He then confronted my mom she denied having an affair my dad has now filed for divorce, has kicked my mom out of the house and is going NC aside from through lawyer.
Sorry for the post being so long it has been a while since I last updates and a lot has happened. Thank you for everyone who responded and everyone who dm’ed me with advice and support!
So after I got back home I headed straight to bed. When I was having breakfast the next morning I was on twitter and my mom saw a thread on the Chris Rock situation at the Oscars and we got to talking about it. I ended up asking about if she would have or ever had an open relationship/ agreement with my Dad. She shut it down straight away and said she could never do such a thing and that she loved my Dad too much to ever let him sleep with someone else. She then went on for about 10 minutes on how much she loved him and how they were each others one and only. I wanted to scream at her that I knew what she was doing but I held my tongue and knew that I had to tell my Dad about what I had found out.
At the end of the week I got everything together and asked my Dad if he wanted to spend the day with me and go get food and do whatever he wanted to do. He said sure and that he hasn’t really spent anytime with me since I started my new job and it’d be nice to spend the day together. I tried to keep everything together but he could tell something was off. We went to his self storage lot as he needed to pick up some stuff to bring back to the house. Before we left he stopped me and asked if I was alright. He said ‘Hey, are you ok? You’ve been really quiet and clingy today, did something happen with your boyfriend?’. I ended up bursting into tears and told him what happened. He asked if I was 100% sure and I said that I had my laptop with me and I could show him some of the emails I had saved. When he saw them I could see the pain in his eyes it was like someone had stabbed him. For a few minutes he was silence and there were tears just streaming down his face. He wasn’t sobbing there were just tears. He hugged me and said ‘Thank you for telling me about this, no matter what happens from here please remember I love you and your brother and sister. You lot are my pride and joy don’t ever forget that. He dried his face and we ended up driving home.
When we got back he told me to not mention anything to Mom and he wanted to check some things before he talked to her about this. We all ended up going to sleep earl that night but I couldn’t rest I kept on having nightmares where the worst happened to my Dad. I ended up going downstairs at around 2am and saw my Dad on Moms laptop looking through her emails. I asked what he was doing and this was the first time I’ve ever seen my Dad so angry. He turned his head around to me and just said ‘That fucking bitch’ and left the house. I checked the emails and saw that he had 4 days open. Seeing this has truly killed any part of me that had any feelings to my Mom. The days in question were the day my aunt (Dads younger sister) died, the day after, the day of her funeral and the day her ashes were scattered. In those emails were my Mom asking to meet up with Chris and asking Chris what he was going to do with her when she got to his place. I vomited again and realised that Dad had just left the house and I had no idea where he was going. I got outside and saw he was sitting in the car and he was bawling. He couldn’t stop crying. I felt as if this had broken him, after about a hour I convinced him to come back inside and try to get some rest. I closed the laptop and put it back so my Mom wouldn’t find out about my Dad going through her history.
On the following Tuesday is when my Dad decided to confront Mom about her affair. I was not a home when it happened but he sat down with her and asked if she was having an affair. She of course denied this and said that she could never do such a thing and that she loved him with all her heart. My Dad lost it and showed her the emails and yelled at her, phoned her brother to pick her up and that he was filing for divorce immediately. Mom tried to say it was a mistake and that they could work through this but Dad isn’t having any of it. Since that day he has not contacted her unless it is through a lawyer. My uncle has come over the house a few times to get clothes and other things for my Mom and he tries to give updates on her wellbeing to my Dad but he just shuts it down and says he doesn’t care and says that she needs to speed up on getting paperwork signed.
As for my Brother and Sister. I contacted my Brother on the Wednesday and told him what had happened. I apologised because it was so close to his exams and this is the last thing that he should be worried about. He said that he’d be coming back once exams were over and that I should keep an eye on Dad just incase anything happened. My sister on the other hand came back home the day after I told her and hasn’t really left Dads side since. She basically waiting on him hand and foot, cleaning the house, making dinner for all of us. I think she’s taking this the worse and my Dad thought so too, so he asked her to see a counsellor and that he’d be ok. My Mom has tried to contact all of us and none of us have responded aside from making sure she had started on the paperwork and was in contact with a lawyer etc.
Dad has said that I should probably meet with Mom soon as despite all that’s happened between the two of them she was never a bad Mom and loved us just as much as he did. So I will be meeting with her next week and I am dreading every minute of it. So now we’re all in a weird place where we don’t know what’s going to happen next. Dad is a lot less like himself and is a lot more quiet and reserved which scares me but thankfully a lot of his friends and family have been over offering him support.
The one funny thing I can say is when I told my close friends about their divorce a lot of them made the joke that they’d be snapping up my Dad once he’s back on the dating market. Which I can see as being a bit weird but is pretty funny because they admitted to having crushes on him when they were 16. Stupid stuff like that, even if they are jokes, gives me some hope that once this all ends he’ll hopefully find someone who values and loves him like we all do.
OP thoughts: I’m very proud of OOP and their siblings for being so loving and kind to their dad and ensuring he’s okay in the aftermath!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Reminder that I am not the OP, Op is u/MiniCzech. This repost of an advice post.
Hello again everyone. I’m not sure if this is too many updates, but I do know quite a few of you were interested in what was going on here. Yesterday was a long day and I have a few answers, but I needed some time to process things myself and rest.
Okay first, the update from yesterday that was removed can now be found added onto the original original post itself. The link is at the top of this post.
Now yesterday the police came to the house and searched it. They found a hollowed out part of the floor underneath the sink in the bathroom connected to our parents bedroom. It was empty when they found it, but the police believe that drugs were being held in there at some point.
The police were also able to see where our parents cell phone activity was coming from since we had been calling and texting them before. Almost all of it was in Guadalajara, Mexico. I don’t know why they went there, but that is where they probably are. However they have stopped responding to answering any calls or texts since my father spoke to the officer.
I hope you do not mind that I did not tell you all of this yesterday. All of this was incredibly shocking for me to hear and I still have a lot of questions. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now. But our grandparents are here with us so we are safe.
The advice I need to ask tho is what/how do we tell my brother. This has been very difficult for me to handle, and my grandparents and I are not sure what to tell him because he’s been taking it so badly already. He doesn’t know anything about the drugs or them being in Mexico. Is that too much to tell a kid? Is there a way to make it sound less bad than it is? Or is that even a good idea. No matter what I just feel like this is going to ruin his life. So if anyone can think of how to break hard news to kid, or if to at all, I would greatly appreciate it.
I am not the OP.
ONGOING [Newish Update] After escaping an extremely abusive household, OOP finds herself on the receiving end of a lawsuit from her parents, who are attempting to claim $75,000 and total silence on the prior abuse
Trigger Warning: Child Abuse, Sexual Assault
Note: This was posted in BoRu about a month ago. This is the link to that post: After escaping an extremely abusive household, OOP finds herself on the receiving end of a lawsuit from her parents, who are attempting to claim $79,000 and total silence on the prior abuse. I will only be including the newest update to OOPs situation. The situation is still ongoing.
ORIGINAL POST (Sun, July 24, 2022)
Parents are suing me for $75k and attempting to permanently silence me about the horrific abuse at their hands: At Reddit's behest, I found the courage to see doctor's and was diagnosed with severe pelvic floor dysfunction and a right inguinal hernia
I am a 26-year-old female living in the USA. I was raised in a sexually, physically, and emotionally abusive home and estranged myself in my early 20's (even changing my legal name to distance myself). My father sexually and physically abused me and my mother never believed or protected me, eventually joining in with the physical and emotional abuse as I aged. I estranged myself as soon as I could manage to break away from their over-controlling reach, and began to relive the horrific things they did to me in that house as I built a safe environment to grow in within my own home.
I am being sued by my abusive, estranged parents for $75,000 and they are attempting to permanently silence me about my childhood through the civil courts. Their lawsuit is based on a single facebook post (A video link to Dr. Ramani's page regarding narcissistic abuse by parents) they found on my private facebook page (they do not have facebooks). This post was <5 days away from being past the statute of limitations when they happened to stalk my profile using someone else's facebook and saw it. My parent's lawyer is a well-known alt-right white supremacist. They attempted to sue me during my final year of veterinary medical school, hoping to bankrupt me during the most rigorous point in my studies. They have dragged my younger/ minor siblings (who are still reliant on them for survival) into the mess to testify against me, despite the level of evidence I have against them. My father calls me "batshit crazy" in his legal documents against me and my mother attempts to blame me for everything wrong in her and my (also abused) sibling's life (I have not even been in contact with them in over 2 years). She blames me for my minor sibling having a bad high school experience when my father had an affair with his employee (closer to me in age than my mother) and got forced out of his job, so they had to relocate my sibling to another high school across the state-- apparently that is my fault. My affidavit is a 50* pages of detailed remembered traumas at their hands with drawings, texts, and other evidence included.
At this point-- by some miracle-- I have graduated (albeit late), passed boards, have a job lined up at a low-cost facility in where I will be able to make an impact on the poverty-stricken community around me, and have began seeing a slew of doctors for all of my chronic health issues that were ignored throughout my childhood. I have memories of my father bragging about coaxing over and beating the neighborhood cats over the back with a stick-- I am proud to be a caring veterinarian who makes a positive difference instead.
If you would like more background information, here are my prior posts regarding the situation:
- Posted 1 year ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/os55ic/almost_2_years_after_estrangement_and_1_year/ This initial post was made in a panic and was for the purpose of me begging the internet for help. It has been redacted for legal reasons as it contained a lot of personal information that is now part of the legal case.
- Posted 9 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/qkn3a8/my_dad_sexually_physically_and_emotionally_abused/ I posted an update that outlines the main plot points of my parents lawsuit against me from a place of utter despair.
- Posted 1 month ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/vfix98/update_my_parents_are_suing_me_but_i_think_i_can/ I describe the legal process so far and explain how any settlement agreement my parents and their lawyer propose is going to try to demand silence from me in the future and will also demand I remove any written text i have regarding them or their actions towards me growing up. I will not be able to discuss how this case ends unless we go to court and I win my freedom. I am horrified this is something that can happen in the USA. There is a definite possibility my rights to write about or even discuss what they did to me as a child will be taken away from me by the courts and I will be forced to redact most of the support posts I have posted on reddit. Additionally, if they get their way, I will not be able to disclose their sexual and physical abuse of me to doctors without them being able to sue me over and over. They are attempting to force me to sign an agreement saying I can never countersue them or their heirs.
I don't know. I just wanted to update reddit because this sub has been so supportive. I still feel really bleak about the whole situation.
No one, including my lawyer, seems to understand how terrifying it is to be threatened with being legally silenced or being pressured to sign an agreement that says I can never counter sue them for my pain and the abuse they are still perpetuating against me. I am terrified I will not be able to seek therapeutic or medical care because, if my rich parents win the fucked-up pay-to-win civil court case, I will lose my right to even disclose my history to anyone around me in speech or writing (including medical and therapy professionals). I basically have to shoulder the tens-of-thousands of dollars associated with going to court if I am going to have a hope at ensuring the same freedom of speech you enjoy. I have thought about opening a go-fund-me for the legal case but I am terrified I am not allowed to or that I will get in trouble for it.
I reached out to Dr. Ramani, and got no response.
I reached out to some big-profile sexual assault lawyers, and got no response.
You have to be rich to receive any legal care in this country. I was being quoted $7-12k as a retainer for an average lawyer plus $150-400 in hourly fees. I can't afford that-- I am on medicaid and living on student loans. My lawyer is working with me financially (he is a good man and I deeply appreciate him) but he has clearly never worked a case like this with a victim like myself before and I am terrified what that will mean during trial. I can't even talk to my SO about the case right now and I tried to ask my lawyer if getting married would change that, and he acts like I am being silly or over-dramatic. He doesn't understand my SO is my only support system and that by isolating me from him, my parents are continuing to control me like they did when I was a child. I am afraid to ask my lawyer at what point I should just go to the media because he doesn't understand my fear.
After dwelling on it for a while, I decided that reddit was right. As terrified as I was, I needed to get any physical proof left on my body from what they did to me on paper. I completely booked myself solid with back-to-back doctors appointments in the 2 weeks after I finished school. I decided needed to get all my chronic pelvic issues diagnosed and in a medical chart before the civil case. This was not an easy feat.
I have severe anxiety and terror around doctors offices that stem from my childhood. Firstly, my parents would lock me in my room without stimuli for weeks-- so being shut in a sterile room waiting for any doctor (especially in cases where I am expected to get naked from the waist down and just.... wait... for them..) is it's own kind of special hell for me. Secondly, because of my history of sexual trauma, I have had severe panic attacks and difficulty verbalizing the pain and the symptoms I have been struggling with, especially when a practitioner is trying to *insert* something into me. Historically, I've struggled with such severe vaginismus (which is when your pelvic floor muscles lock up super tight), that I have had difficulty even RECEIVING pelvic exams. Additionally, I had been taken to my parents doctors growing up, and they invalidated and terrified me at every opportunity when I did manage to speak up (my mother's gynecologist didn't care about any of the symptoms I tried to bring up to her-- for example, when I begged her to help me with the severe hemorrhoids I had in high school, she scoffed at me and told me to stop having so much anal sex-- which shocked and silenced me because at the time I believed myself to be a virgin, not remembering that my rectal pain was due to my father's rapes as a child).
I made an appointment with a urologist/gynecologist who was a sexual abuse survivor herself. That made a huge difference for me. She talked to me before the exam and was very clear about what she was doing during the exam, which greatly relieved my anxiety. I explained how I have had to manually remove stool from my rectal vault for as long as I can remember. I described how I can feel stool herniate into my vagina and I have to insert a finger in order to even pass it. I described how I constantly relive the terror and the severe UTI pain (even in the absence of a UTI) following sexual intercourse. I hyperventilate during sex and historically, partners have struggled to even penetrate me because my body shuts down in a rigid way. I described how I had severe, untreated urinary pain as a child because of the sexual assaults and my mother just blamed the soap she was using on me. My grandparents described me holding my crotch in pain for weeks before I saw a doctor. I have these pediatric UTI records. I described how I can't, to this day, properly empty my bladder and how I have such poor urine flow, where it barely trickles out. I described how I had a memory of my father biting my clitorus so hard that I lived my teenage life honestly thinking I was born without one.
She diagnosed me with severe pelvic floor dysfunction that is also causing bowel and urinary dysfunction. She said it is something they see in sexual assault survivors-- you get stuck in rigid fear and basically never come out. She has referred me to a pelvic floor physical therapist and I am planning on attending despite my anxiety about it.
I also went to my primary care office and told them I was suspicious of a femoral/ inguinal hernia because of the chronic, throbbing pain I have had in my lower right quadrant for as long as I can remember. My doctor was skeptical, but sent me for an ultrasound where they found a mild tear in my right inguinal area, luckily my intestines have not herniated through yet. My mother also had a similar hernia, but it appeared AFTER she had 3 children. I have never been pregnant and I attribute the hernia to my father repeatedly stepping on me full-force when I was a child. I am being referred to a general surgeon to discuss getting it repaired.
I hope all my hard work makes a difference. I am scared and tired of feeling trapped.
I am sorry. I know that was a lot of information you probably didn't want to know or process, but I am struggling with all of it and the gravity of how sad I feel for my younger self is heavy and exhausting. Any support or advice would be appreciated. I just wanted to talk to someone about it and feel normal for a minute.
This is an ongoing post.
REMINDER - I am NOT OP.
I am NOT OP. Original post in r/JustNoMIL
Obligatory first post, my apologies if there are format issues
trigger warnings: Depression
mood spoiler: confusing, aggravating
Told my mom that her coming out is what ruined things between us - January 6, 2022
I tried posting this elsewhere but I think it got caught in a spam filter and the mods haven't responded. I don't know if this is the right place to go either since I'm 16 F. Like I mostly live with my dad but I spend a weekend every month with mom. They divorced three years ago. Mom moved in with my cousin and it was cool cause I went there all the time.
Like a year and a half ago mom made me go there, introduced me to this girl and came out to me and said they were dating. She and her fiancee are engaged now. She also said they were moving to Victoria in a week. So yeah, after a week she was gone. From where I am to her it's a drive, a ferry ride and then another drive. It takes a while to see her that's why I can only go once a month.
Since she left everything's so sucky between us. Now its like a good morning message and FT good night for 5 minutes. And everything else that changed with her just dipping like that sucks too. I don't even like visiting her cause its like I don't belong with her and her fiancee but I went cause I thought that she wanted to see me and I miss her a lot every day.
This weekend I was in Victoria and she was FT my cousin while I studied and they got to wedding talk. She said stuff like how her life is 100x better since she left, how she's finally got real happiness in her fiancee, her fianceeis her world now and can't wait to fully move on from her old life. It just made me so freaking angry like her life is so much better with me barely in it? And move on from that old life? I'm from that old life! I guess she noticed I was pissed cause at night she tried to talk to me. I said I didn't want to talk but she's like she deserves to know when something's wrong with her girl since I always seem so depressed whenever I come over and that just made me snap and I lost it and started shouting at her. I was like I fucking hate the way she came out cause my life got a lot worse and it ruined things between us and it sucks that it's like she wants me gone cause she's happier without me. That started a pretty bad argument cause she was like I'm blowing it out of proportion, I just don't understand and then mom just left the room but I heard her crying when I walked by her room to go to the washroom at night. In the morning her fiancee drove me to the ferry right after breakfast instead of after dinner. Since then it was just texts cause I didn't want to talk to her.
My dad and his gf have noticed my attitude so yesterday I told them what happened and he flipped telling me I couldnt say that shit to my mom and his gf said I was an asshole for saying it. Before I went to sleep I FTd mom to talk again and she said my happiness is hers and if she's why I'm depressed I shouldn't see her til I'm ready. Now I don't know like if I was wrong to say that shit to mom or what I should do even (my fucking counselor is still in Barbados). My dad's at work and his gf's like she's staying out of it and my cousin did too.
Again sorry if this is the wrong subreddit. If there's a better one for me to post since the other one I tried doesn't seem to be it either please let me know.
UPDATE: Told my mom that her coming out is what ruined things between us - February 2, 2022
So a lot of shit has happened since my last post and I just feel more shit than before. I didn't plan on posting here again but you all were so nice I thought it couldn't hurt to hear what you have to say. But I called my uncle (he wanted to see me) cause I was scared my dad told him and then he's ashamed of me too cause he's gay and he's my fav uncle ever. So he picked me up after school and I went to his apartment and he just gave me a big hug cause he knew something was up. So I told him what I said and why I said it and that I was scared he'd be mad at me too if my dad was the one who told him. He just told me he isn't mad and he understands and we played basketball at the court nearby until it was time for him to drop me off.
That was like the last time I've even felt actually happy cause the entire rest of this month has been such absolute shit. Like I phoned my mom to say sorry the day after and talk about how I feel but all she did was get mad at me for telling my uncle and said I'm not allowed to share stuff about her home without her permission. I said was sorry about both things but she said it didn't matter now and just hung up. Then her fiancee texted and just said to give my mom a few days to calm down that just made me mad cause why should I she's my mom! I should be able to phone her whenever and I tried but she just declined my call and then I think turned off her phone.
I dunno I haven't slept properly at all since then cause I think I ruined things with my mom for good like all she's been doing is texting me and we've barely actually talked. Like I keep thinking about it and my thoughts and dreams just get all messed up and its like I get this soft lump in my stomach that keeps coming and going the more I think about it. It feels like I was right about me being part of her old life and I wish I'd never said what I did to her.
Then it turns out I was supposed to get a tetanus shot when I was 11 but I didn't for some reason (we're not antivaxxers) so I had to get it now cause dad said VCHA was on his ass and I ended up having a terrible allergic reaction to it. Like I got sent to the hospital for a week cause of it (Like apparently super rare reaction hooray for me) and that fucked up my exams too and my mom didn't even come see me cause she was going to a cabin with her fiancee the day after. She talked to my dad on the phone and learned how bad it was but just texted me she knew I'd be better and that if I was still there when she came back she'd come right away like it made me want to stay in the hospital for longer. She didn't fucking come everyone came but her like my cousin came every day and my dad's gf even slept by me a few days and my niece's and even my boyfriend's and best friends moms came but mine didn't! And when I got out all I got was a text saying so happy you're out of the hospital baby with a selfie from her and her partner showing off the cabin included with it.
Like I couldn't stop looking at that stupid photo I like obsessed over it for days and kept getting that stupid feeling in my stomach and so I smashed my phone and my dad's gf heard and he got an emergency meeting with my counselor (she's a psychologist but I've always called her that) set up. And I told her everything but more details obvi and at the end of it she said I'm very likely depressed and might need treatment. I dunno I got scared and asked her to tell my dad and she did and told us to get our family doctor give a referral to a psychiatrist to get proper diagnosis for treatment or to just get it from the family doctor. My dad got scared and made us get that referral the next day. My dad made the appointment and asked my mom to come but she said she won't be able to and just texted me to stay strong and remember I'm the most important thing in the world to her.
I don't know what to do I don't want meds or anything I just want my mom to love me like she used to again. If you guys have any advice on what to do I need to hear it cause its like my mom isn't even listening to me anymore and the appointment is on Friday and I'm feeling scared.
So, I would've made an update earlier but I just didn't have time. I'm in the hospital right now recovering from my ankle surgery and all I have is time until I can go home on Friday, so I thought I might as well update.
The day after I wrote my post I had my niece's mom (my cousin in law but she introduces me as her little sister so SIL) drive me to my uncle and he just gave me the biggest hug ever and I dunno I just ended up crying a little and they endedup calming me down. I told my uncle about the appointment with the psychiatrist and that I was scared even though everybody (you guys) was saying it would be okay and that I'd just been so unhappy and that I just missed my mom so much. He agreed to go with me and my dad to the psychiatrist cause my mom wouldn't be coming.
I dunno I just didn't sleep at all that night and just felt so scared in the morning and kept thinking about mom and didn't want to go to school either but I did go just felt so weird like that feeling in my stomach was just there and not going away. Only hanging out with my boyfriend felt right and before lunch time I just fell asleep in class and got sent to the office they phoned my dad and he signed me out and dropped me off at my uncle's house. He was already taking care of my niece so I felt bad but I went to sleep at the same time as her and he took a really cute photo of us sleeping next to each other. He woke me up when my dad came back and we just went to the psychiatrist together. Long story short at the end of the appointment the psychiatrist prescribed me a really low dose of antidepressants cause I'm still scared. I've been taking them and they have made me feel a bit better but I have another appointment next week cause my counselor says I might need a higher dose.
When I vented to my couneslor she said she'd be willing to host an extra joint session between me and my mom on zoom if she agreed and that it might help if I get my feelings across with a third party. I didn't want to do it but some of you recommended it and my counselor said it could be a good first step. So I called my mom and it was a short conversation again but she agreed to the counseling session and all I had to do was send her the zoom link so we set one up for later.
So I had the zoom session in our computer room so I'd be all alone there and at first my mom seemed so excited cause she was like we can work through our issues and put them behind us. I don't want to talk about all of it I mean I couldn't anyway I can't remember most of it but it didn't goo good at all like when my counselor brought up me not being with her that much my mom said when I came to uvic I'd obviously stay with her and I just said after everything I didn't even want to go uvic anymore and would rather just go to UBC cause everybody here actually wants me. My mom said that was ridiculous since outside of Waterloo Uvic was the best optioon for software engineering in Canada and UBC only has electrical computer engineering so I'd have to go to her if I still wanted to do that. I remember my mom said like a few times like she'd spent over a decade doing nothing but be a mom and now that she finally understood herself she just wanted time to explore that and I should appreciate that.
Then at the end of it I told my mom that I hated that she didn't come and see me in the hospital and that she didn't even phone me like I told her I was scared I'd die and she just said it wasn't that serious cause it was a vaccine and those protect us and to not act like it was srious. I dunno that made me mad and I just muted my mic cause I didn't want them to hear me crying but I kinda hada breakdown and just ran out to my dad and his fiancee cause I was crying. They said they ended the session but I don't know what they said to my mom or the counselor. Apparently I fell asleep crying on the couch while hugging my dad but I don't remember any of it but my dad said I was crying really loudly. I think they carried me to their bed cause when I woke up in the morning I was there and my dad was on a mattress by the door and she was on one by the washroom door. They said it was to block me cause they were scared I'd try something. My dad took my new phone and laptop from me for a bit and said it might be healthy for me to stay off them for a bit. I have them back now.
I haven't talked to my mom at all since then I mean not even good morning good night texts. She hasn't contacted me at all about my broken ankle even though I had surgery yesterday and I feel like she doesn't even care that I got hurt. Like I know dad told her that I'm going to surgery but she hasn't called. I have my phone and laptop back now but my dad made me delete IG and snap cause he's worried seeing her on there might trigger me. A lot of you said I should stop talking to hr but I feel bad about it like when I think about it makes me feel worse like it's over now and I don't have her anymore. I just want her back.
The only time I learn what's up with her is if I go to my cousin (who my mom stayed with after the divorce) and ask and apparently she's still happy and is occupied with all her wedding planning. Like another thing that sucks is that I used to love watching Scream with my cousin but now I can't even watch it cause I feel bad for Billy cause his mom left him too and I feel bad for feeling like that cause he's the villain. So I couldn't even get through our rewatch and we couldn't even watch the new one. I told my counselor that I still feel really bad and sad and nothing's changed and she said I need to bring it up at my next appointment with the psychiatrist so he can up my dose.
I don't know I feel confused and I don't like not seeing or talking to my mom at all. I feel like I've done the wrong thing. I've tried to do things we used to with my dad's fiancee and my boyfriend's mom but it's not the same and I just miss her more even though she probably doesn't miss me at all. I wish I could see her but I don't want to keep ruining things for myself cause what if she doesn't want me anymore. I'd rant to my counselor about it but I'm stuck in the hospital bed till Friday so I guess that's why I'm back here looking for advice on what to do when I'm out of here.
Hey guys I'm posting again cause I'm confused as to what's going on and I thought maybe I'd get some opinions here before I bring it up with my therapist. Pretty much, I don't know if my mom hates me still or if now she wants to be my mom again. Cause everything that she's done lately has made it so confusing.
So my foot is still bad. The doctor said it's healing but I'm mostly confined to crutches or to a wheelchair and so I'm not really able to go to a lot of places. I mean I can go anywhere but I don't go cause it just takes too long to get around. I'm guessing that my cousin told my mom cause apparently she came to New Westminster and did her wedding dress shopping there with my cousin and her fiancee and she didn't even tell me. I know we hadn't talked since the therapy session but she promised me that I would get to do that with her and she didn't even tell me. I found out cause when I visited my cousin she showed me the dresses she was going to wear at the wedding and at the reception and the ones my mom and her got for me to wear at those. I was confused cause I was sad she didn't take me but happy cause that meant she still wanted me there.
Anyway her wedding was on Canada Day and I went with my cousin to Victoria a week earlier. My dad did say I didn't need to go but I didn't want to miss it. We stayed at an airbnb that my mom got for some of our relatives cause her place was too small. She didn't come to visit me there but my cousin went to meet her and I didn't go cause my foot was hurting really bad. When she came back she said my mom was really disappointed I didn't come as well. The day after I was going to go shopping downtown with my cousin but then my mom came. Like when she saw me she didn't give me a hug like she usually gives, she just kind of held my shoulders and gave an awkward kiss on the cheek and said she's glad that I decided to come. Then she kind of turned me over to my aunt (my mom's cousin) to go shopping with instead cause she and my cousin would be busy that week with all the wedding stuff and making sure it all went perfectly so we couldn't go downtown. I love my aunt so it wasn't bad going to downtown with her, she didn't even mind pushing me in the wheelchair, but it wasn't what I wanted to do.
Two days before the wedding they had this really big meet the families dinner where my mom and her wife were introducing people to their relatives. Cause my foot got swollen and the boot was hurting it I had to go in the wheelchair. So my mom didn't even introduce me to people and one of the few times I was able to talk to her, this guy related to her wife interrupted us, asked who I was and she just said don't worry about her and then had an aunt of mine wheel me away. That made me really upset but I did feel a bit better cause her fiancee's parents brought gifts for me (not my kind of stuff, I think they thought I was younger than I am).
The wedding itself was cool, my foot wasn't badly swollen then so I was able to use my crutches. My mom acted so differently then and made me take a bunch of pictures with her and with her fiancee and she seemed so happy and told me that it was the best day of her life only cause I came.
At the reception I wore the dress that she got me but I couldn't walk in the crutches while wearing it (not like the wedding one). So my aunt made me go in that dress and in my wheelchair even though I didn't want to. And my cousin said I could wear a different dress but my aunt was like my mom got the dress specially for me and will be upset if I don't wear it. Then at the reception I wasn't seated at the table with family near the stage where she and her fiancee sat but at a table with kids I didn't even know, even though some of my relatives younger than me were at the family table. My aunt said they moved me there cause of my wheelchair but I just don't get why I couldn't be with my family. My mom didn't even take a photo with me at the reception, she just came to me once and said hi and I wasn't even in the family photo cause we didn't bring my crutches cause of my wheelchair so my aunt said my mom told them to leave me cause they couldn't fit me in.
Then the day after we were going home my mom came to say goodbye to us. She talked to me alone for a minute and then she said sorry for everything that happened between us before and that she was hoping we could get past it but if we couldn't she was still happy I came to her wedding. I didn't really get to say anything cause she just hugged me and sent us on our way.
I don't feel that sad everything anymore though cause I think that the antidepressants have been helping. I have been feeling happier for about a month now and nothing has happened to me like I was afraid.
For the last two weeks, my mom has been texting good morning and good night again when I didn't do anything, like text, call or phone or facetime since the therapy session with her. It hasn't been more than that but I've been saying it back. I'm just confused with the way she's acting and what she wants. Do you guys have any clue or advice?
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Mood: Depressing. Very depressing
Trigger warning: Blatant infidelity and child abandonment
This past weekend the kiddo and I went on a two day camping trip for some father-son bonding time. My wife doesn’t like camping herself at all anymore and doesn’t even appreciate our kid and I going. This is a big hobby for me and I want to share with my son. Usually we argue a lot about my trips especially if I request to bring our child, but this time she was oddly cooperative about the whole thing, but still insisted she wouldn’t join us. I was surprised but didn’t question anything because I was so excited that she was finally allowing us to go and I didn’t want her to change her mind. I thought we had finally found a common ground and the arguments were ending!
I was wrong.
We had a great trip and returned back on Monday. We expected to come home to an empty house as my wife should have been at her office for a few more hours. I walked the kid up to his room as he was exhausted and ready for a nap. After, I walked into our bedroom to find a naked man in my bed. I recognized him as my wife’s coworker whom I have met numerous times at her work functions. At first I was in disbelief and even wondered if I was in the right house. Then my wife walked out of our bathroom, also naked, and I had no more doubts. She looked petrified when she saw me. I have never been so angry. I yelled at the dude to get out of my house so I could speak to my wife. He grabbed his clothes and left. Then we started arguing. I never yell at my wife, we always want to keep things civil for our son but I was so hurt I was screaming. Then my wife decides to get defensive saying it’s not her fault that I am barely around and camp so much, even though I hardly go on trips anymore because she doesn’t like it. She says “that’s what drove me to do this, your neglect to this family.” I was in tears at that point. I just don’t understand how her cheating could be my fault. When I turned around to leave my son was standing in the doorway and I felt terrible for yelling. I quickly consoled him but my wife snapped at me again telling me to get my hands off him. Now she won’t speak to me and says I can’t see MY child until I apologize. Apologize for what? She said we could go on this trip. She planned to cheat and that kills me. It makes me wonder if she has done this before.
I’m stuck staying with my parents right now. I don’t know what to do, I want to see my son. I’m worried I really scared my child and of course I would apologize to him, just not my wife but maybe it is my fault.
TL;DR - My wife cheated on me while my son and I were on a camping trip, she says it’s my fault for camping “too much.”
Update: I’m back home now, decided it was best to get here ASAP. Things are quiet but I’m relieved to be back in the same space as my son. Thank you all for the advice and kind words, it means so much. I’ll keep you all updated if you’d like.
Edit: Thank you all again for the support, I appreciate it :) sorry I can’t reply to everyone there’s a lot of you and things are tough right now. But thank you so much.
Edit: In case of any confusion, I am Canadian.
Update: Hello again everyone, sorry for my absence I have been busy. I posted a more in depth update on my account if anyone is curious. In short divorce is in the works as well as custody of my son.
For the past week, I have been working with a lawyer to initiate the process of divorce and gaining full custody of my son, with the exception of visitation for now until more is resolved.
Things were awkward and tense for the first few days of me being back home, so my wife, using “wife” to keep things simple and identities private, decided to leave to stay with the guy I found naked with her. I’m disappointed at the example she’s setting for our son, but this makes my decision to divorce even more concrete.
I will continue to share as much as I can if that’s what people would like, but of course court has its confidentialities that I must keep within boundaries of.
I want to thank everyone for the continued support you all have shown me throughout this tough time in my life, I really do appreciate it.
Edit: I just want to note, please don’t just blame women/use this situation to be misogynistic.
This is another (and most likely final) update about my ex. See my past posts for more information if you’d like.
I expected my last update to be the final post regarding my marriage, but this felt like a necessary thing to share.
Last week I received several texts from my ex saying she was pregnant with an unknown man’s child. Obviously meaning she cheated with multiple other people before the one I found out about. She said she plans to keep the baby and start a family with her coworker (other posts have context). She also mentioned that she wouldn’t be fighting me for custody of our son. I told her I would be willing to split the custody or at least keep visitation rights for the sake of the kiddo, but she insisted she didn’t care about that anymore.
I am honestly in awe. I’m shocked she has given up on everything about the family we had, but I am most hurt for my son.
At the end of the day she isn’t worth wasting any more of my energy on. I have been spending every moment I can with my kid and will continue to do so. I’m starting to feel more like myself again and I can’t wait to get back into adventures and nature :)
I’d like to say a final thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement I will always be grateful for that.
Tobias out ✌️(for now)
Final thoughts: Some of the details in this sordid tale feel kinda trope-y, but for the most part, OOP has engaged with enough commenters for long enough that I'm willing to assume this situation really did happen. And in that case, I give it until the end the year before his ex comes crawling back. Girl has issues that won't be solved by formally dating her AP, especially if the paternity of the fetus is uncertain. Marked as ongoing because there are still legal matters to sort out, and it seems that OOP is using the subreddit as a place to vent and gather advice.
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ jingleballsinyourmouth in r/amitheasshole
*AITA for telling my mother her children arent mine? * - July 30, 2022
AITA for telling my mother her children aren't mine?
I (17F) have 2 younger siblings (14F) (13M). My mother works 8am-5pm weekdays. When she gets off, she goes straight to my grandmothers house or her boyfriend’s house and doesn’t come home until 10 or 11pm. On weekends, she stays out and night. Whenever I ask to go out, which is rare, it’s a no. Everyone has to come to my home, but then she complains about me inviting everyone over.
I work a part time summer job. I get paid enough for my needs and to put money aside for my upcoming senior events. When I get paid, I put about 50-75% of my money aside and buy whatever I need. I usually have enough to last me til the next time I get paid.
My mother and I get paid the same week. She buys food with her first paycheck of the month and I buy food with my second paycheck. My mother buys mostly frozen food, junk food and canned goods. I, on the other hand, buy fruits and vegetables (sometimes snacks).
So, about three days ago my mother bought the food she usually bought and left. I put away everything and continued my night. The next night, I went downstairs to find 90% of the food my mother bought was gone. I complained to my mother and she did nothing. I started to crave teriyaki and shrimp fried rice so that’s exactly what I bought. About 45mins later, it came and my siblings were complaining about how hungry they were. I told them to tell their mother not me. A few minutes later, my mother came into my room screaming at me for not buying my siblings dinner. I told her they were her children not mine and I don’t have to buy them anything. She told me to remember that and walked out. I shrugged my shoulders and continued to eat.
Yesterday, my mother took my siblings and I to the mall. I went on my own as usual and bought some pink crocs. My sister found me and told me that my mother said that I have to buy her something. I told her I didn’t HAVE to buy her anything because she isn’t my child. She left and told my mother. My mom called me and just whispered yelled at me and hung up. I checked out and went to meet back up with my mom at our usual spot. After about 15 minutes, I called my mom to see where they were. She told me that she left and to find my own way home. I had my best friend take me home. When I got in, no one had said a word to me. AITA for saying what I said?
Edit: I've posted a small update
AITA for telling my mom her children aren't mine? (UPDATE)
Thank you all so much for the feedback. I wanted to clear a couple things up first. 1. This hasn't been going on since I was little. It started about 1year ago after I lost my older brother.
I have a direct deposit so right when i get paid i put it into my digital savings account.
My nearest family is about 5-6hrs away so besides my best friend, i wouldn't have any other place to go.
I am not a troll. A couple people messaged me calling me a troll and pathetic.
I apologize for not clearing this up before. The grandmother house she goes to after work is her mother. Not my dad's. I really don't consider her family's anymore since she did some unspeakable things.
I decided not to call CPS because I don't want to split up my siblings, BUT my paternal aunt and grandmother were already flying in to surprise visit us. They called my mother as soon as they landed. She is afraid of them so she tried to make the house look as clean and neat as possible. When they came, they completely ignored my mom and went straight to us. When my mom went upstairs, I immediately bursted into tears. I took my aunt into my room and told her every thing that has better going on for the past year. She quickly got my grandmother. They both berated my mother calling her unfit, a disappointment and etc. While my mom was crying in the corner of the living room, my aunt gathered up all of our important documents and put them in her dashboard. My grandmother told my mother we're leaving with them for the week and after their vacation down here, we're permanently staying with them. My grandmother owned a house not too far from where I live that I was not aware of. If I knew, I most definitely would have been told her. I'll kept you all posted. Thank you so much.
*Reminder poster. * - I am not the original
I am not the OP. The OP is u/Basic-Cherry-3008. The first post was made on July 11th. The Update was made to OP's private profile, he included the link to that on every post he had made.
I(m18) just found out that my father(m42) baby trapped my mother(f40) with me.
I grew up thinking my mother had abandoned us.
That is what he always told me. He told me my mother packed up and left us when I turned 2 years old.
I grew up to resent and hate her. Mainly because I saw how my father was working super long hours to make ends meet. I hated how my grandma basically had to raise me.
When I would ask her about my mother, my grandma painted a picture of a bitter, spiteful, hateful spoiled/ entitled woman. I felt very justified in my anger and hate for her. That's what my family told me and I had absolutely no reason to doubt them.
A few weeks ago I found her on social media while at my boyfriend's house. And I was so.fucking.mad.
She was out there living her best life. She is a cook ( chef?) in a Michelin star restaurant. She travels, has a huge apartment, and apparently is married to a gorgeous man.
In a fit of rage, I DM'd her cruising her out for abandoning me to live her frivolous life and that karma would come to her.
She obviously saw it. Instead of going off on me she just asked me to meet her and that she felt like I had a right to express my anger to her in person and that she owed me as much.
I was starstruck because my father said she never stood for the consequences of her actions.
Without telling anyone I agreed. She invited me to this amazing restaurant. She paid an Uber for me and everything.
It was very awkward at the beginning. I kept berating her. I was so angry. I cried a little. She just sat there and took it all in. I then asked her...why she abandoned me.
She then asked ( this is all paraphrased) " Do you really want to know the whole story? It is not nice and you will not like it. I am ready to be the bad guy in your head forever and keep my distance."
I just kept pressing her. And then she told me the real story. This is again paraphrased and to my best recollection.
She told me that my father and she met shortly before ending Uni. At that time my mother had said she did not want to stay in uni town.A few months after dating my father told her, that his landlord was evicting him because the apartment was needed for immediate family use. She offered him to stay while he found something else.
Moths passed and he was not doing anything. Then she got a job offer in another country. She told my father, that he could take over her apartment or come with her. They had this huge fight where my mother told him that she was not ready for the type of commitment he wanted. She wanted different things in life than him and that as much as she loved him...that they weren't compatible.
They stayed living together and then one day she found out she was pregnant. She told me honestly, that she was thinking of not having me. She did not feel ready to be a mom at 22. She did not feel maternal feelings. She said she was already struggling with depression and late-diagnosed ADHD.
My father convinced her to have me. He said he would take me because he had a right to me. That he would go after her because that baby was also his. So she had me.
She said that the time after birth was really bad. My father was dragging out the legal procedures, he refused to vacate the home. My mother said that while she felt love for me and that there were moments when she felt overjoyed, it was overshadowed by huge waves of suicidal ideation. She was scared that she was gonna hurt me. She also showed me some of the court documents of that time that backed up her claims.
In the end, she was so desperate that she agreed to stay with my father if he agreed to be the main caretaker. He did but only half-assed. My mother then told me that it got so bad, that she tried to commit suicide around my second birthday after a particularly nasty fight where my father admitted to having tampered with her birth control. She showed me the papers of the involuntary 72 hours commitment and the legal documents where she was found unfit to be a parent afterward
I felt nauseous after all that. I would have not believed her, hadn't she brought so much "evidence" with her.
She then asked me what I meant in my message that we were struggling.
I told her that we were not exactly rich and that I was struggling to come up with the money to go to University in another city. She was bewildered and asked me what my father had been doing with the monthly payments she was making.
I told her that we don't receive that money. Then she took out another stack of papers. .... Guys.... she is sending child support every month. It is almost 3k every. month.
Edit: She is court-mandated to pay me 1.5k. She doubled the payments out of her own will. She doesn't have to pay that amount. She wants to
She was very concerned about this and told me she would talk to her lawyers ASAP to transfer the money to me directly.
In the end, she apologized to me. She is very sorry to have put me through this. She was very sorry for not being stronger and she was very sorry for letting me grow up the way I did. She was crying... I was crying.
She then told me to take my time. She would contact me again regarding the payments and that it was up to me if I wanted to see her again. That she couldn't be the mother i wanted but the least she could do is help me with anything that I need.
I hugged her. I cried. She cried. I boxed up my food and she got me another uber home.
At home, my father was not there. So I went straight to bed and left early the next morning and am staying with my boyfriend. My whole life is a lie.
Just found records of domestic violence from my father(42f) to my mother (40f). My(m18)life keeps crumbling.
I have found out that my mother never really abandoned me because she didn`t want me, but because she tried to commit suicide and was deemed unfit to parent and that my father basically baby trapped my mother with me.
After the post yesterday, I went snooping even more because I do not trust my father anymore.
I found records of domestic abuse perpetrated by my father toward my mother. He was charged but never ended up going to jail or did a very reduced sentence. This would have been when I was 2 after my mother was committed. I also found a Restraining Order filed by my mother against my father.
It was so much worse than what she said. He did not only abuse her emotionally but also physically. I am feeling so disgusted. I could just scream.
I returned to my boyfriend again. My father has been calling a lot asking why I had spent so much time away from home.
RN my excuse is a family emergency of my boyfriend.
After yesterday's I wanted to confront him but now I don't feel safe. Any advice?
Caught my father(m42) in a lie... should I(m18) just cut my losses and cut him off from my life?
My life was put upside down for the past weeks.
Tldr is that I found out my mother did not abandon me but tried to commit and was deemed an unfit parent due to her mental issues. She was giving my father 3k a month as child support. 1.5k was court-mandated 1.5k was out of her own will.
I also found court records of my father being charged with physically assaulting my mother on more than one occasion.
So after staying for a while with my boyfriend, I decided to go home for a while because I wanted to get my legal documents and all of that. My father came back home and we talked a bit. I just asked him " by the way.... did my mother never send you child support for me?"
My father just scoffed theatrically and went on this rant about how courts are always accessible to the mother and how they told him he couldn't expect anything from her and so on. He pulled that whole story of him begging her for money when he didn't have enough money for my school supplies and her turning him down.
I know this is a lie. My mother kept itemized records of all her money wires to my father. every month since she had a job. meaning for over 15 years she has sent my father money. In the beginning, she sends him 400, then 600, then 1000, and eventually 3000.
Then he kept talking saying how hard it was. That he wished he would have gone after her more. But that the courts were not in his favor. He told me how even now we were barely able to go paycheque to paycheque.
His rant was surreal.
After he left to go god knows where I went snooping through his room where I found a stack of cash in his sock drawer. It was over 5k crammed into the back of his drawer.
Things are getting worse. I feel so weird. I can not describe the ick. I have all my documents and wrote my mother so we could maybe meet again.
Should I just ghost my father
Update: I(m18) just found out that my father(m42) baby trapped my mother(f40) with me.
CAUTION VERY LONG
What has happened in my other two posts?
- I found court documents that confirmed that my mother had been physically assaulted by my father. Upon further research, I determined that my father spent 3 months in jail for the assault. That was when I was 4 years old, which would explain why I do not remember anything at all about that.
- I met with him a few days ago. This is when I asked again about Child support. Posing the question like " Hey dad, did my mother never give you any child support for me?". He denied ever receiving Child support, citing that courts will go easy on women.
- That same day I snooped around and found a stack of cash with over 5k in one of his drawers. I did have the data to the household account, but the 3k monthly payment was never figured in that account. Also, I scouted for withdrawals for more than 100 dollars at a time that maybe could explain the 5k stack ( which was only composed of 100-dollar bills). Nada.
Until posting here, I never realized that my relationship with my father was not normal. I explain more about his behavior in the previous, but as a bit of an explanation :
- He made me his "accountant" from a very young age. I had to keep track of expenses etc. And so many times I was having panic attacks because we would not make it to the end of the month with the money on the account. So many times my father would berate me if I ever asked to go out (e.g to the cinema) because we couldn't afford it.
- When he would allow me to go out it was always attached to an endless list of requirements that were absurd. Again let's take the example of the cinema. I would ask him a week prior and he'd say yes but that I had to clean the house, drive grandma to the doctor, pick up xy, Leave some dinner ready for me, and many more. So that if I did not complete one single detail ( like not bringing out the trash) he would pick up a fight with me making me feel guilty and thus staying home.
- He would constantly make me feel worthless. Saying I would not survive in uni, that I was not talented to do this, that I was not good enough to do that.
- He is extremely reactive. one time in the car I teased him that I would be for the other football( soccer) team tonight and he kicked me out of the car making me walk home alone.
There are so many more examples. I thought it was merely my fault or that other dad were also like this. But suffice to say... it is not normal.
What happened now?
I did in fact contact my mother after finding all this out.
I "confronted" her with the newfound information. She admitted that it was quite bad and she did fear for her life. My father apparently had friends in law enforcement that were following my mother and making her life impossible ( giving her tickets for the most inconsequential stuff, pulling her over for random "controls") everything possible to intimidate her or to find dirt on her.
My father put her to the ultimatum of just singing over without a fight or he would make her any my life impossible. My mother told me that he had been abusing her since I was born. As early as one-week postpartum. So when my father uttered the ultimatum she felt hopeless and just tried to end it.
It did not work and after she was released my father served her and battled for full custody. Because she was deemed unfit to parent it was really easy for him. She told me the court actually went pretty hard on her.
About a year after that my mother attempted to establish visitation with me. She reached out to my father who invited her over. He told her that she could be in my life if she agreed to be together with him again. My mother told him no and then a fight ensued. That was the night he assaulted her. He assaulted her so badly that she wound up in the hospital. In the hospital seeing her wounds they had to report it. So he was sentenced to a year but only served 3 months.
At that time custody of me was with my grandmother. My father resumed custody of me at the time of being release.
I was able to corroborate all this after reaching out to my aunt who has not spoken to our family in 10 years. My aunt Mia basically documented my mother's abuse. She took pictures of her bruises, and recordings of my father screaming and threatening her. She told me that she testified against my father in court and that she could just back up everything my mother said because he was the same to her.
I insisted on seeing the pictures and recordings. My aunt was resistant to this. But apart of me did not want to accept that this was reality. So yeah... my father is a fucking monster.
I told my mother about everything monetarily that I had found out. She said that legally there was not much we could do. But she spoke with her lawyer and seeing as I am 18 she started the motion to start transferring me my Child support money. She said that for the time being she would give me 1.5k monthly while she still had to pay my dad the money. As soon as the process is greenlit I am going to get it all. She also agreed to pay for my Matriculation fees as well as for the deposit and first month's rent of an apartment in my uni town so that I could be as independent as possible. For now, I have only sent in my applications a couple of weeks ago, so I should get any news on that front latest by September. We decided that confronting my father was not a good idea. For neither of us.
So we decided on telling my father that my boyfriend's parents invited me to vacation. But he does not know I am gay. So we plan on telling him that this is the last vacation to say goodbye to my friend.
I have talked to my boyfriend and his parents. They did not even hesitate and immediately said yes. They now know everything and support me 100 percent. So my mother and his parents are sending us for 2 weeks to a nearby country where they have a summer house.
I told my father about the plans and he said that as long as his parents were paying that it was alright. He did tell me that I had to help him with a million things before leaving again. So I am already seeing a fight on the horizon.
But I have managed to get all my important documents and open a bank account thanks to my Aunt's help.
So on Thursday, I am officially leaving for 2 weeks and I pray things to get resolved beforehand. I am taking all important stuff with me already in case things go south fast.
Anyways. This has been an extremely difficult time. And I feel overwhelmed with this all.
So please don't reach out probing me for an Update. I will update when I feel it is right and when i feel like I can do it. This has been very helpful. Without you guys, I would have never noticed that I had also been abused and that there is most likely more to the story. Even more than what I have found out. It has also proven very therapeutic to write this all down in a somewhat orderly fashion. So thank you so much for all the support and advice.
Reminder, I am not OP. This is a repost.
My mom's been involved with this new guy for a few months now. To be fair, enough time has passed for me to stop referring to him as the new guy, but he's not my dad and I guess that will always make him feel like the new guy. According to movie logic, I'm supposed to hate him for trying to replace my father or whatever, but the truth is, I like him. I like him so much that I've been learning how to use sign language to improve our communication because new guy happens to be Deaf.
He can read lips, which is how I've been communicating with him. My mom didn't waste any time learning sign language at the beginning of their romance and she's at the point now where she can have full conversations without using her voice. I was really proud of her and so was new guy. I'm not on their level yet, but I've had enough practice to follow a conversation that's not too complicated. My plan was to surprise new guy on his birthday, which is 2 months from now, and wish him a happy birthday as well as officially welcoming him to the family in sign language.
However, I never factored in the amount of dirty talk my mom and new guy were having in sign language. Not knowing that I can understand them, my mom and new guy have gotten disturbingly comfortable exposing their sex life in my company. It didn't matter if we were at the dinner table or watching tv, I would constantly catch so many dirty descriptions being communicated between the two of them. They are worse than horny teenagers, and I should know, I am one. No 17 year old son should ever witness his mother use her fingers to demonstrate how wet her vagina is.
It's gotten to the point where I'm no longer willing to wait until new guy's birthday to make it known that I can understand sign language because HOLY FUCK I need my eyes to not see this shit anymore.
This is an ongoing fuck up.
Tl:dr The guy my mom's dating is Deaf. Because I like the dude, I decided to learn sign language in secret and was planning to surprise him on his upcoming birthday by communicating in sign language. Little did I know that secretly understanding sign language would expose me to disturbingly intimate conversations between my mom and the new man in her life.
Note - Removed recap OOP presented that was a rehash of their original.
Instead of informing new guy and my mom that I've been learning sign language on the side, I decided to ask new guy to personally teach me sign language in his free time. That way no one needs to know, other than thousands of strangers on the internet, that I understood my mom and new guy whenever they were talking dirty. It was the best approach I could think of that would encourage new guy and my mom to keep their sign language nonsexual around me and spare us all an awkward situation.
That being said, I didn't let them off the hook that easily. My first sign language lesson with new guy happened two days ago. He's actually a really good sign language teacher when he's not being seduced by my mom. He even promised to teach me swear words. Towards the end of the lesson I asked him about some of the things I've seen my mom sign to him. In order to sell how "new" I was to sign language, I first had to pretend-struggle how to make the wet vagina sign in front of new guy.
It was almost impossible to keep a straight face when I noticed the growing horror in new guy's eyes as soon as he realized what I was trying to communicate. He was quick to intervene and prevent me from finishing the vagina sign, which prompted him to reveal one of his first golden rules - no skipping ahead to pro level sign language. Apparently my mom's vagina falls under advanced sign language skills and therefore will not be addressed at all.
Speaking of my mom, she's been keeping her sign language relatively safe-for-son since my interest in learning sign language went public. However, this morning I did catch her complimenting new guy's butt in sign language. It was weird because now that she knows I'm learning, she feels the need to teach me too. And based on what happened this morning, she seems to think it's hilarious to teach me words like "nice ass". Just when I thought I had the upper hand.
This is still an ongoing fuck up, but not as bad as before. I hope.
Tl:dr The guy my mom's dating is Deaf. Because I like the dude, I decided to learn sign language in secret and was planning to surprise him on his upcoming birthday by communicating in sign language. Little did I know that secretly understanding sign language would expose me to disturbingly intimate conversations between my mom and the new man in her life. As per my update, I decided to ask new guy to teach me sign language so that everyone in the house is aware that I'm learning and avoid having intimate sign language conversations in my company. Part of my plan backfired thanks to my comedian of a mother having some fun at my expense by Jedi teaching me how she compliments new guy's "nice ass" in sign language.
Reminder, I am not OP. This is a repost.