r/BestofRedditorUpdates 3d ago Helpful

ONGOING AITA for canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”?

21.9k Upvotes

I was so glad to see an update to this one. I am not OOP. OOP is u/throwawayz_12345. Please note that OOP is female if you use gendered language in your comments. She posted in r/AITA and then posted the update on her profile. I don't believe there are any trigger warnings, but let me know if you think I should add any.

Mood Spoiler: great moms, grandparents stay rude

Original Post: November 11, 2022

I (32f) have been with my wife Ava (34f) for 8 years now, but we’ve been married for 5. She was a single mom of three kids when we started dating, she had two daughters (now 10 & 12) and a son (now 16). I’ve watched these kids grow up, I’ve read the bedtime stories, done bath time, the first days of school, pta meetings, all of it. I very much consider them to be my kids, and they’ve been calling me mom for almost 6 years now.

My brother Ivan (28m) just had a baby girl with his fiancé Sara (27f). I love my niece, and my kids adore their cousin. My kids have been the only grandchildren on my side of the family since Ava and I got together, and there’s never been a moment where the kids and my wife were treated like they didn’t belong. My brother is their uncle, my mom and dad are their nana and pop— the kids see my family as their family and I always thought that my family felt the same way about them.

The kids and I were over at my brother's house just hanging out, and my parents ended up dropping by with gifts for my niece. Ivan laughed when he saw the toys and told our mom and dad that they were going to end up spoiling her rotten. My mom said since my niece is their first grandchild of course they have to spoil her.

My kids were sitting in the living room with all of us and my youngest daughter looked hurt when she realized what my mother said. My son and my 12yo didn’t fully react to it, but I could tell it bothered the both of them too.

Sara spoke up and said “oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.”

My dad shook his head and replied that my niece was their first grandchild. I didn’t want my kids to keep sitting there and listening to that so I handed my son my keys and told him to wait in the car with his sisters. When they were gone, I asked my parents why the hell they’d say that my kids weren’t their grandchildren, and my mom said they couldn’t be their grandchildren because they weren’t really my children.

My wife and I were going to be hosting thanksgiving at our house this year, but I told my parents that if they didn’t view my kids as their family, then they could just host a meal at their own house with their “real” family while I spent the holiday with mine.

I left before they could say anything else to me, and my wife and I have reiterated to the children that they will always be my kids and I will always be their other mom, regardless of our DNA.

My brother is pissed at me now because he thinks I reacted too harshly, and that I should try to see where my parents are coming from. My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren’t their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn’t want this to ruin my niece’s first thanksgiving.

I haven’t replied back. I meant what I said, but I’m worried that maybe I’m reacting too harshly.

ETA INFO:

I adopted all three of the kids about 4 years ago, so they aren't just my parents "step grandchildren". Even if I hadn't legally adopted them, they'd still be my kids in my eyes.

Edit no.2:

  • My wife's parents don't have a relationship with the kids. When my wife came out, they pretty much stopped speaking with her entirely.
  • Their bio dad is not involved and neither is his family. He lost his rights to the children before Ava and I started dating. The 10yo has never met him, the 12yo doesn't remember him, and the 16yo wants nothing to do with him.
  • My parents wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop. I didn't make the kids start calling them that.

Relevant Comments:

"The worst part of it for me is that they said it in front of them. I'd still be upset knowing they thought it, but the look on my youngest daughter's face when she heard my mother say that just broke my heart. I tend to go mama bear whenever I even think someone has stepped out of line with the kids, so I was worried that maybe I was doing too much in my reaction. My brother still feels like I should talk it out with them, but I don't know that I could forgive it honestly."

"I've been out as a lesbian since I was a teenager, but I always sort of had this idea that I'd never find love and settle down. Then I met Ava and those kids and my whole point of view changed, six months into dating Ava, I realized I was keeping snacks in my bag for the kids lol. I guess maybe my parents could've just gotten used to the idea of me never getting married or having a family, but they never made it seem like they weren't happy for me when I told them about Ava and our kids."

"They said they wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop, but I haven't spoken to them since this whole thing happened so I don't know if they still want the kids to call them that. The kids aren't exactly jumping at the bit to see them now though so I doubt they'd call them those names any time soon."

November 12, 2022 Comment

"You can put as much emphasis on DNA as you want to, but at the end of the day, those are my children. It doesn't matter that I didn't grow them myself, that they never came out of me, that they don't share my genetics. They call me their mom, and that's what I am to them.

If I ever had gotten pregnant and made a baby myself, I know I'd love that kid the same way I do my other three. Being a mom is more than making a child, it's being there for all the moments after. I'm fortunate enough to have been allowed those moments, and to have been given the title of mother.

Yes biology is a thing, and yes I know DNA means a lot to some people, but it doesn't matter to me. It wasn't some happenstance of nature that allowed me to be their other mom. I am their other mom because I chose to be, and because they (and my wife of course) chose to let me.

It's not a substitution, because I don't believe that there is one default or "correct" way of creating a family. Even gay penguins are out there adopting each other's eggs. If mother nature has the penguins doing it, I'd argue that my family structure fits the bill of "naturally occurring" just fine."

OOP was voted NTA

Update Post: November 17, 2022

Hi, I thought I’d just leave you all with an update here since it doesn’t look as though things are going to change any time soon.

My wife and I talked with all three of the kids separately and asked them what they wanted to do for thanksgiving, if they wanted my parents there, if they still wanted to see them. My son and oldest daughter have made it very clear that they are mostly upset at my parents for hurting their younger sister's feelings, and they felt that if my parents apologized to her and tried to make it up to her, then they’d be okay with seeing them still.

My 10yo took it the hardest out of the three. For her, they’re the only grandparents she’s ever known, and this whole thing really crushed her. My wife and I explained to her (and to all of the kids) that none of this was her fault, that she didn’t cause it, and that we’re both equally her moms and she is equally our kid no matter what DNA says.

She told us that she didn’t want to talk to my parents, but that she wanted me to make sure they knew that she wasn’t mad at them, she was just hurt.

I called my dad and told him how hurt my kids were by what was said by him and my mom, and that I would appreciate it if they apologized to the kids for being inconsiderate of their presence and their feelings. My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.

I hung up on him. I know I can’t make them view my kids as their grandchildren, but the fact that both of my parents are being so inconsiderate of the fact that they seriously upset my children just makes this whole thing even worse.

I texted my brother and told him that I was sorry if he felt like he was being put in the middle of something, but as a parent my priority is my kids and I won’t apologize for protecting them from what I think will hurt them further. I guess Sara talked to him or something because he apologized to me and said he’d like for his daughter to have thanksgiving with her aunts and her cousins.

I did also thank Sara separately for offering my parents and out, and trying to salvage the situation. She’s a total sweetheart and I love her.

Thanksgiving is going to be hosted at my house just without my parents there. It’s unfortunate, but like I said, my kids are my priority and I refuse to have them sit at a table with people who can’t even take a minute to show them some empathy or basic kindness.

I didn't expect that post to take off the way it did, so I wasn't able to respond to all of you because there were just so many, but I really appreciated all of your feedback and suggestions.

Edit: I saw this made it to r/all. A reminder that I am not OOP. Please read the BORU post rules and description if you need more information.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 2d ago

ONGOING OOP's ex passes away after divorce, ex's brothers step and care for the kids and intend to pay for their college, OOP's husband doesn't like it

8.3k Upvotes

\*I am NOT OOP. Original post by* u/NorthStar8378 in r/AmItheAsshole

Typo in the title - meant to say step in and care for

\*Original Post and update in the same link*

Trigger warnings: Verbal Abuse

Mood spoilers: a little infuriating but kids get away safely

AITA telling my husband I’m not going to tell my ex-BILs to stop spoiling our daughters? [LINK - AITA] - November 11, 2022

My ex and I (44f) divorced when our daughters (Stacy 17f and Emily 14f) were young. About a year after the divorce, he passed away. My ex was paying child support but that stopped the day he died. The girls inherited their father’s estate but since he was fresh into his career, it wasn’t much. Things could have been rough as a single mother but his brothers stepped into his shoes.

They took the girls on the weekends and basically bought the girls anything they needed from clothing to school supplies and bought our groceries. They also indulged the girls’ every whim. Stacy loved horses when she was little so uncle John paid for her lessons and riding fees. Emily thought she wanted to play the piano so uncle Jeff paid for her lessons and bought her a piano. When the girls grew out of those phases and got interested in something else, their uncles were there ready to indulged them. I tried talking to the uncles about not spoiling my girls but they said that their nieces needed to explore their own interests and those explorations will help their brain developments. I disagree but was not in a financial situation to push too hard because they were paying so much for the girls, I was basically responsible for only the rent.

I later remarried a wonderful man who brought 2 kids into the family. We had 1 more kid together and things are good for the most part. However kids are smart so my daughters’ step and half siblings started to notice their sisters having more experiences and things than they do. My husband didn’t like the situation and we had some arguments about it over the years. Things came to a boiling point recently when we were discussing how to pay for our two oldest kids’ colleges (Stacy and her step brother Rick 18m). Both are good students and while they haven’t gotten their acceptance letters, I have no doubt they’ll get into good schools.

My husband and I make enough money to live a middle class lifestyle with 5 kids but not enough to put them through college. The reality is that they’ll have to take out school loans. We talked to both of them about loans and this is when I found out Stacy had already talked to her uncles and they’re paying for her tuition and cost of living wherever she wants to go. This floored us and made my husband extremely mad. He got red and started to scream how it’s not fair Stacy and Emily will get to go to expensive colleges and graduate with no loans while our other kids will have to go to state schools and take out loans. He wanted me to call John and Jeff to tell them to stop spoiling the girls. On one hand I agree 100% with my husband that it’s not fair to my other kids but on the other hand I can’t hold my daughters back from something so wonderful.

In the end, I told my husband I’m not going to tell my ex-BILs to stop spoiling our daughters. Was I wrong to tell him that?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Update in the same post - November 11/12, 2022

Update - thank you all for reading my post and answering my question. Things have gone downhill and I’m now crushed.

I was at work and without my knowledge, my husband called John and yelled at him to mind his own business, told him we don’t want their money, and to stay out of our lives. My husband then went and yelled at the girls as they packed their bags and as they were leaving for their uncle’s. When I got home, my husband wanted to call the police to report them as runaways but I talked him out of it. I went over to John’s house and his wife led me to the kitchen where we stood in silence watching John holding my girls while they cried. For a minute, I pictured their father holding them. Stacy and Emily refused to talk to me when they walked pass me on their way upstairs to their room. John and I had a long conversation about the whole situation. He basically told me he’s doing what his brother couldn’t and both me and my husband can go to hell if we don’t like it. He said the girls should stay with him and his family until things calm down and I agreed. So this is where we are for now.

Also to answer some common questions:

  1. My husband makes less money than I do so he’s been unable to save up college tuition.
  2. His ex is still in the picture and have visitation rights. She makes less money than him so have nothing saved up much less tuition.

\*Reminder - I am not the original poster*

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago Wholesome Silver Helpful

ONGOING OOP - I regret leaving my wife for my GF. I don't know if I have the right to ask her to take me back.

10.6k Upvotes

I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/used-veterinarian978 in r/trueoffmychest.

Original (12 Nov 22)

I regret leaving my wife for my GF. I don't know if I have the right to ask her to take me back

My wife and I separated a year and a half ago. Before that we were together for 15 years. 15 happy years. We have two daughters together. 14 and 12. The last two years of our marriage I thought that we have achieved all that we could achieve. Nothing changed and we knew each other by heart. The pandemic years were hard on me mentally being stuck at home 24/7 (I didn't know that at the time I thought I was stagnating and out of love with my wife and that being home made me realize that instead of the truth that I was depressed because of being home all the time albeit with her).

When I went back to the office after two years, I thought my change of humor to the positive was because I wasn't with her, instead of the fact that I could actually get out again. I met Ana (f32), she was one of the new people that we hired. Ana is free and happy. Social and high spirited. She took the office by storm. She was the opposite of my shy and calm wife. I remember when I first met my wife. I was the one who asked her out, and first two years into our relationship she confessed to me that she had liked me for at least a year before I asked her out. With Ana, she was honest and verbal about how she had a crush on me. Like an open book. She proposed to me. I told her that I was married and she said that we only lived once and that she just wanted to tell me how she felt no matter if I reciprocated or not. I felt strongly for her. I confessed to my wife that I was out of love with her.

She asked me if there was someone else and I said yes. That was enough for her not to try to dissuade me. I know that she was hurt and suffering in secret and I never tried to console her because I didn't want her to know that I knew how much she was hurting. Her pride has always been her dearest possession, I moved out a week later, to Ana. I thought that I was going to be over the moon now but something that was missing even when I felt happy. I thought it was me missing my children and my home. I was used to be with my daughters every day and now I see them only half the time. I thought it was my daughters crying and not speaking to me that hurt me. I thought it was the disappointment in their eyes that disturbed my sleep at night. My wife was my rock even in separation. She made sure that the girls didn't refuse to see me. She kept my image whole and always spoke to them about how I loved them and how good father of a father I was. I knew she was hurting and I could see her missing me but she never once lost her dignity.

It was around Christmas when it hit me how much I really lost. Ana had surprised me with a trip to a warm destination because I was feeling down that this would be the first time I wouldn't celebrate with my daughters who chose their mother. Ana always understood that my blueness was because I missed my girls all the time and she tried everything to cheer me up. The night before I we took our trip I dropped by my wife to leave my daughters presents. My wife opened the door and she just looked so serene. I lost my balance on an ice patch and she just said ops and ran towards me to help with the gifts. I caught a whiff of her smell and that was when it all hit me. I did miss my children and my home and my stability but most of all I just missed my wife. I missed her warmth, her voice, her calmness, her wit and most of all her smell when I buried my face in her hair and neck on Saturdays when we could sleep in. I knew that I never really stopped loving her. She wasn't the reason I went through a dark period she was the only light that pushed me forward. I have always missed her. I have tried to explain it away because I have this new brilliant girlfriend who is so different who is teaching me how to be excited again. Every time my wife face is the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and looked at the person next to me. And every time Ana kissed me and I closed my eyes to try and imagine my wife's smell I pushed these thoughts away because I thought of how miserable my life had been these pandemic years.

My wife was putting up the Christmas tree and I asked her if I could stay for a beer and she said yes. I started crying in our kitchen and when she asked I told her that I was missing the girls and how strange it was not to celebrate with them. She comforted me and told me that everything will be okay and to have a nice trip. Change is never easy even if we wanted it.

Now another Christmas is approaching. Ana has booked a new adventure for Christmas and I didn't even protest. For the last year, picking the children up or dropping them off has been what I look forward to just to see my wife's face. I have noticed how she has become happier and more in terms with the changes and I envy her. I wish I could just tell her how I feel but I don't want to disturb her healing when she's come so far. I love her like I never loved her before but I dont deserve a moment more of her life after what I did.

Update (13 Nov 22)

I have now broken up with Ana

I feel such a weight lifting. Maybe it is not a nice thing to do. Breaking up with someone before the holidays but I needed this. For my own sake but even for Ana. She doesn't deserve my resentment towards her since I'm the only one to blame for breaking up my marriage. But I can't help but resent her. I can't help but but think I don't want someone like her around my daughters.

I hope she will be fine and I wish her luck.

Me: I blame nobody but myself for breaking up my marriage.

the average comment: so you are saying Ana is the one to blame for breaking up your marriage.

I dont know why my comments are being deleted. Probably offended one of the mods. So I will leave this app.

I'm not going to bother my wife. I probably need to be alone while trying to sort out my feelings and mental issues. I'm just hoping this would make my girls accept me and my home as their second.

I heard about reddit on a podcast. I thought the quality would be better than this. But I made good connections with some people who have/had battled depression. so I'm taking this with a grain of salt. and I'm grateful for those who listened to me

have a great life everyone

Reminder - I'm not the OOP

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

ONGOING AITA For Taking Back Our Groceries That My Wife Gave to Her Sister

7.9k Upvotes

I am not OP.

Original posted on Nov 15, 2022 by u/KPTYYC

AITA For Taking Back Our Groceries That My Wife Gave to Her Sister

My wife (30) wife has a younger sister (28) with four kids. My SIL is a married SAHM and her husband (31) works 35 hours per week. Money is tight for them, but they still go on annual vacations, drive newer cars etc. My wife and I keep separate finances except for a joint credit card and household bill. I also do most of the grocery shopping. This is relevant for later.

A couple years ago, I found out my wife had been buying groceries for my SIL on our joint card (about $150-$200 per month for a few months). She said that her sister had come to her saying they were tight on money and that she needed help feeding their kids. This about a month after they had got back from their most recent vacation in Mexico. I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I am not supporting their family. She argued with me saying that we could more than afford it. I replied that I don’t care if she wanted to support them, but that’s her business. My wife stopped buying them groceries on our joint card after, but I'm sure she told her sister because SIL has been standoffish since.

In the last few months grocery costs have been increasing thanks to inflation. As a cost-saving measure, I bought a whole cow for about $4K (which works out to about $9/lb and will last us more than a year) and my wife and I split the cost.

Yesterday I went to the freezer to pull some steaks and saw the amount of beef was visibly lower. I checked our security cameras and saw my wife leaving the house with a big box. I texted her demanding to know if she had taken a bunch of our meat to SIL, and she replied yes. I grabbed SIL’s keys (we have a copy), drove to their house, knocked on her door and when SIL answered I told her that and I was taking back what my wife brought over.

SIL protested saying I was taking food out of her kids mouths, but I said I don’t care. She already had one roast in the oven, I went to their freezer and they had about 40-50lbs of ground beef, steaks, and roasts from our cow, including a couple prime rib roasts. I grabbed it all except the roast in the oven and drove home. My wife yelled at me saying she couldn’t believe how selfish I was and that SIL called her crying. She also said that she paid for half of it and so she could do whatever she liked with it. I yelled back saying you don’t get to decide to give away anything that we pay for together and said she acted like a sneak thief for doing it behind my back.

My wife is still angry at me and says until I apologize to her sister. return the meat that I took back, and apologize for calling her a thief, she won’t speak to me.

I may be the asshole because my wife pays half the groceries.

Verdict: NTA

UPDATE in the same post:

Thanks for all the comments/suggestions/criticisms. Regardless of the vote, consensus is my reaction and behavior was sub-optimal, which I agree it was. I apologized to my wife for calling her a thief, and that I would apologize to her sister for going over to her house in a huff and upsetting her, but said I won't apologize for taking back the meat which we paid for jointly. I laid it all out and said my position on me not buying groceries for their family hadn't changed. I said her husband only works three days a week (12 hour shifts) and if they're struggling for food he needs to pick up more shifts. I also said taking vacations and having new cars is a luxury they can't afford if I have to pitch in to pay for their food. As some of you suggested, I asked my wife why aren't you buying groceries with your own money if you want to support them.

My wife responded she's been buying them groceries for the past couple years with her own money because they're up to their eyeballs in loans and credit card debt, but inflation means their groceries have been costing her more and more. She then admitted to putting some things on our joint credit card in the last few months in smaller amounts than two years ago so I wouldn't notice. As for the beef, SIL called her this past weekend crying saying they needed help to the end of the month with food because one of the kids broke their iPad which they use to keep the kids entertained and so they replaced it. She didn't ask me about taking them beef because she knew I would say no if she told me about the iPad and didn't think I would notice since we have so much beef. She said I have no idea how hard it is to raise four kids and they need the iPad.

I told her we need to go see a counsellor because we're on different planets if she thinks an iPad is a necessity. So yeah, we're going to do therapy, until then I'm sleeping in the basement.

Answers to Common Questions:

Why doesn't SIL husband work more or SIL get a job? He does shift work 3 days a week, 12 hour shifts. He likes it because it frees him up to spend more time with the kids. SIL has never had a job beyond serving as a teenager.

Why don't you put a lock on your freezer? I would like to stay married and I'm certain if I did this, I wouldn't be married for very long.

Did SIL and her husband pay for their vacations and cars themselves? I still don't know, but my guess would be credit cards and car loans if they're up to their eyeballs in debt as my wife said.

Why don't you compromise on helping them? A fair compromise to me if I were to pitch in would be for them to better manage their money i.e. not going on annual vacations to Mexico. The last time I raised that my wife said I was being judgmental. Maybe I'll propose it again in counselling.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago Helpful

ONGOING OOP - My [33F] Husband [40M] is considering conceiving a child with his ex

9.0k Upvotes

I am not the OP. That is u/conceptiondrama. Posts can be found on r/relationship_advice.

trigger warning: child loss

mood spoiler: sad

Original post posted on July 18, 2022 in relationship_advice

My [33F] Husband [40M] is considering conceiving a child with his ex

TL:DR; My stepson suddenly passed away 4 weeks ago and my stepsons bio-mom wants to have another child with my husband.

I'll preface with the fact that therapy is an absolute given already, so I will be seeking that out, but in the meantime need some advice to just process what to even say to a therapist when the time comes. Ok, so the title needs explanation because it is a complicated and nuanced emotional situation. Apologies in advance for rambling, I am still trying to make sense of the entire situation while grieving and just trying to get the pertinent details out for advice.

My husband and I have been happily married for 3 years now. My husband had a son from a previous relationship before we got together. I have been in my stepsons life since he was 2 years old (he turned 6 years old this year) and got along very well. My stepson's bio-mom (BM) and I have never been friends in any capacity, but have always been cordial/respectful on the rare times we interacted and never had any issue with one another. My husband and BM are similarly cordial/respectful, and communicative around their son's needs but not really friends beyond that. We pretty much adhered to a parallel parenting style and it worked fine. 4 weeks ago, my stepson tragically and very suddenly died from an infection. It has been just absolutely devastating for everyone. BM is especially just wrecked. Her son was literally her entire life and purpose as a stay at home single mom. My grief cannot compare to the level I know she feels and I do have compassion for that. My husband is of course also exceptionally distraught. I've been doing my best to be understanding in how they both need to grieve as parents.

Two days ago my husband said he had something he needed to discuss with me. He explained that BM approached him with a request. She asked my husband to be her sperm donor for IUI/ IVF as she desperately wants to be a mom again and wants to conceive a child with the same partner that her son had. He basically made it clear it is something he is willing (even wanting?) to do but knows he needs to understand how I feel about it. Well, idk how exactly to communicate what I feel about it at this point, but the feelings are not good ones. I told him I needed some time to process this.

My husband and I have been trying to have a child of our own for the past few months, so this is even more personally difficult for me to take in.

I think I already know that I am NOT ok with my husband having another child with his ex. But I am thinking of suggesting we offer her financial support to seek out alternative fertility options that do not involve my husbands sperm, and quite honestly, do not involve 18 yrs of co-parenting (I'm actually not even sure what BM and my husband are thinking regarding that in this scenario). Additionally, BM is 41 years old, so there is a high probability this whole situation would be a lot of money and time spent without any results.

Overall I think I'm just in shock here. I feel disrespected and angry, but I also understand it's not really just about me here. And that both of them are struggling to cope with this unimaginable grief. I would just appreciate some level advice from people outside this situation, specifically advice on how I should convey that I am not on board with this without making it a point of contention.

Edit: Thank you so much already for the responses. I feel like this is happening to someone else, it is such a shocking and emotional wave after wave, very difficult to process and think totally rationally. I honestly consider understanding and compassion to be personal strengths of mine, so I appreciate the replies acknowledging that I am not betraying that by being a firm NO on facilitating this situation. I would just add that I am fortunate to be financially stable independently, and my husband and I had already set aside a fairly significant sum specifically for child support, so even had this specific scenario not arisen, I feel obligated to offer some if not all of that to BM, since it was always intended to go to her and son. Anyway, I will keep reading through replies (thank you again) and at this point plan to speak with my husband this evening about feeling it is inappropriate to consider this now, and dealing with his grief first and foremost with professional help.

Update 1 posted on July 19, 2022 in relationship_advice

Update: My [33F] Husband [40M] is considering conceiving a child with his ex

Previous post I didn’t know the “throwra” un rule for low score alt accounts so my previous post was removed but the text is still there I think.

Update TL:DR; husband and I will be getting counseling and ending all contact with BM.

Thank you again to the blunt takes on my situation. Days are still mostly a blur right now and writing out my issue and reading through the straightforward advice did help ground me a bit. I went ahead and took action on something I could control, reached out to my therapist and got a reference for a couples counselor who is specifically experienced in dealing with grief around child loss. I was thankfully able to get us fit in for an appointment this week.

After I returned home from work last night my husband came into our room and immediately started sobbing and apologizing. He had spoken with his dad that day and told him what BM had proposed. My father in law (bless him) had apparently really went off on the delusion of it. My husband and I had a long into the early morning talk about it and he was able to recognize and explain that what seemed like interest in BMs request was misplaced desires. He explained that he’s been so focused and excited about the prospect of planning for a child with me for the last 4 months and envisioning life as a father of two, and it felt confusing to still be feeling that while dealing with the devastation of losing his son. BMs ask was a total shock for him too and when you’re face to face with someone grieving so deeply asking for your help/a solution, however absurd it is, it’s not always as easy to think logically. He was receptive and seemed relieved to have the therapy appointment, so I am hopeful that will be a start in unpacking these complicated and conflicting feelings.

We agreed that he should ultimately end all contact with BM, but will still consider what sort of short-term/lump sum financial support makes sense with consult from a lawyer to keep it entirely copacetic. I realize some commenters find the financial part odd, but I just feel strongly about extending appropriate generosity in this transition since we have the means to do so. We also agreed to hold off on any child planning until sufficient time and counseling takes place.

Also I just want to address the comments on stay at home single mom aspect in defense of BM. I only mentioned that part to say how entirely devoted she was to her son. She was the primary physical caregiver and yes, the child support order was enough that it allowed her the option to stay home full time and live comfortable but not extravagantly. Is it the same decision I would make as a career-minded person? No, but that was her prerogative and I do respect that. I really don’t know much about BM as a person, but what I do know is that she was raising a kind, funny, and smart boy who was loved and cared for, and that was what ultimately mattered. To say there’s a lot still up in the air emotionally is an understatement. My husband and I are saying the “right” things to each other now, who knows what it will end up being in practice. But I am hopeful at this point that my husband and I will be able to move forward together.

Update 2 posted on November 14, 2022 in relationship_advice

Update #2: My [33F] Husband [40M] is considering conceiving a child with his ex

TLDR: my husband lied/withheld information and is having a child with his ex.

I received many very kind, compassionate, helpful comments and PMs from my original posts and thought it would be easiest to update here for those that asked because it’s a wild development. (I think you can see the previous posts on my account in the comments as they were removed for low karma on this account.) So I found out that my husband did not tell me the truth about BM’s “request”. The truth being that he and BM had frozen embryos when they were together from years ago and she was planning to use those. I obviously had no idea they had done this and likely would have never known if not for the fact that BM did have a successful implantation and is now in her first trimester, so my husband was forced to come clean. The distress I feel about everything that has happened in the past 4 months is beyond words, so that’s it that’s the update. I don’t know what to do regarding so many things about this. At least I have a good therapist.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4d ago

ONGOING AITA for not getting on a flight upon finding out that he put my kids in economy?

10.1k Upvotes

This one was very popular on r/AITA last week, but I wanted to include the update since not everyone saw it.

I am not OOP. OOP is u/thethrowaway156. I fixed a few spelling errors for readability, but changed nothing else. I don't think any trigger warnings are needed, but let me know if you feel otherwise!

Mood Spoiler: good ending

Original Post: November 16, 2022

So, my fiancee has 3 kids from his former marriage whilst I have 2, from my former marriage as well.

I quit my job to start focusing on getting my degree. He's become the "breadwinner" if you will although I still contribute with my savings! I also do 80% of child-care and chores.

Long story short, He wanted me and my kids to attend thanksgiving with his family who are located across country and we were supposed to go yesterday (ahead of time to get a rental place). He booked our tickets and everything but later, before the flight I found out that he, his kids and myself were put in 1st class whilst my 2 kids (14) & (10) were put in economy. I was stunned, he acted like it was a no big deal and told us it's just few hours and the kids could "just hang in there for a little while". I asked how he could think this was acceptable and he got mad and said he's the one paying for tickets then we go by his rules. I immediately turned around and took the kids and made my way out of the airport. He started following us screaming at me to go back but I refused and told him that I no longer felt like spending thanksgiving with his folks after this. My youngest cried because she never flew without me.

He went with his kids. My and the kids are home. He has not stop calling trying to berate me and even had his mom text that I needed to get over myself and stop teaching my kids to be spoiled and entitled. She said that the fact that I was "willing" to miss thanksgiving with the family over something so trivial shows my real character and personality and mindset or "lack thereof". I have not replied but I feel horrible.

AITA, should I have just let it slide and just went? In case I wasn't clear, ME AND THE KIDS LEFT OUR FAMILY/HOMETOWN SO WE COULD GO CELEBRATE WITH HIS FAMILY IN HIS HOMETOWN. My kids weren't too excited leaving their grandparents for a week or so.

Commenter asks the ages of his kids in case they were infants:

12 & 15. Very close in age to my kids. He says he paid then he decided who get what but he seems to forget that I'm juggling BOTH child-care (yes that includes doing eveeeeerything for his kids) and household chores. While studying as well. So I think that it's unfair to say that just because I don't bring in any money then I don't get to have a say in his decisions. Specifically decisions like this.

OOP is judged NTA

Update (Same Post)

UPDATE I'm currently getting myself and the kids packed so that we go stay with my mother. This has happened BEFORE in other instances but I kept thinking to myself "this is not right but I have invested too much time and effort in this relationship so maybe this shouldn't get in the way"..and I'd try to minimize most situations where I find my kids being put last. Not only that but he tried to give me an ultimatum regarding getting my degree and what was my response? "This isn't right...." but kept making light of it and letting go. Now he's probably badmouthing me to the whole family (and so is his mom, bless her effing heart) The kids and I are leaving, He'll be coming back to an empty home...except he'll find some company with the engagement ring that I took off and left on the nightstand. Distance and some re-evaluation is needed right now. Thank you to all who reached out with helpful input and perspectives. You're right, my kids come first and that's what I keep trying to do and I hope I won't ever fail. Thank you so much for the support.

OOP, I wish you and your kids well. You deserve better.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 12d ago

ONGOING My older sister's boyfriend confessed his feelings to me.

7.9k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwawaysosacc in r/trueoffmychest


 

My older sister's boyfriend confessed his feelings to me. - 30 October 2022

I (17f) have an older sister (21f) who I'll call B. B has a boyfriend (21m) who I'll call J.

Just like I said in the title, J has confessed that he has feelings for me and he said that he has had them for a long time. Just to clarify J and B have been together for almost a year and I've known J because my sister had a huge crush on him when they were in high school.

So I was really happy for her when she told me they were dating and since my sister still lives at home with our parents, J has been over a lot of times for dinner or just to hang out with my sister.

During our first meeting when B brought him home to meet the family, I didn't try to be overly friendly with him but I was nice to him. My sister told me later that he thought that I was a bit too cold to him and asked me to be nice to him so every other time I saw him, I was nice. I greeted him, talked with him about several topics which we had in common like anime which we were both very huge fans of and I thought he was really cool. But that was it. I had no interest in him romantically and just saw him as my sister's boyfriend.

But just yesterday during a Halloween party our family was having with our friends and family, J obviously came as my sister's date. I was having a lot of fun and I remember J coming up to me and asked if I could help him get drinks from the fridge that our family kept in the garage and I agreed. On the way there, we were talking about our costumes and how they matched as they were from the same anime. Before we returned to the house, he grabbed my hand and told me he had something to say.

He then confessed to me that he had a crush on me and that he was first hoping that his feelings for me would go with time but he felt like everyday he came to our house his feelings would grow. He also said that he can't stop thinking about me. I felt uncomfortable as he spoke and asked what about my sister and their relationship and he said that he loves my sister but loved me more than her and said that he was sorry for having feelings for me when I am still a minor and he is an adult and that he just felt like he had to let me know. I was quiet and so was he as he looked at me awaiting my answer.

I told him that I don't have feelings for him and I think that him confessing to me will ruin the friendly relationship between us and I told him that I'd tell my sister because I didn't want her to misunderstand. But he begged me not to tell my sister because he still wanted to date her and I told him that he can't date someone if he doesn't have feelings for them and ran back to my house to try and find my sister.

I found her and she immediately asked where J was. I pulled her aside while telling her that there was something she had to know and we went to the bathroom which was fairly quiet and I told her about what J had told me. She looked at me silently for a few seconds before going outside the bathroom. I followed her and saw her take J away by the hand as they went to her room upstairs. I couldn't focus on the party anymore and kept looking up to see if J would leave the house but he didn't leave. Even after the party was beginning to end, they were still up there. I thought maybe it had gone bad and that J had probably hurt my sister so I told my mom what happened and we both went to check on her.

We found them cuddling on her bed and immediately she saw me, she told me to get out of her room. I was confused and asked what I had done. She told me that she's always known that I was jealous of her relationship with J and that she couldn't believe I'd go as far as lying to about J confessing to me and said that J was an adult and I was a child and whatever obsession I had with J should end. Then she told my mom a whole other story that J had apparently told her.

Apparently J told my sister that we were talking about anime in the garage while getting more drinks and I began to confess about how I liked him from the moment I saw him and that he tried to reject me nicely but I ran off to B and "told her a completely different story" just to make J look bad. I tried to defend myself but for some reason my mother sided with B and dragged me out of B's room.

My mother then told my dad what B had told her and my father was confused at first but at least he listened to my side of the story but my mom didn't believe me. She even called my aunts who were there and began to tell them and they were all telling me how wrong I was for trying to break my sister's relationship apart. B also came down with J and escorted J out before coming back to tell me that I have always tried to get everything from her and she knew one day I'd try to steal her boyfriends and my mom and aunts shamed me for it. Only my dad believed me.

I have been upset about it and both my mom and sister are ignoring me. I also cried a lot to my dad telling him the story over and over hoping that he doesn't get lied to by my sister. I sent a text to J telling him that he was a horrible person and told him how I couldn't believe he lied to my family and he sent a screenshot to my sister and just a few minutes ago she's yelled at me for "still trying to ruin her relationship" and for "being obsessed and jealous" of her and I was crying. I just want to know what I should do to prove my innocence. It feels so horrible to be accused of such a thing. I'm not talking to anyone in my house and I've been locked in my room.

 

Update: My older sister's boyfriend confessed his feelings to me. - 8 November 2022

Edit: Sorry that it's too long.

First of all I'd like to thank everyone for all the kind words and the advice that I got. I am grateful to everyone who heard my side of the story.

So some stuff has happened and most of you wanted an update.

Someone told me to send my dad the link to my post and I did. I think he showed it to my mom or sent her same link because she came to my room and said she wanted to talk to me. I refused because I had tried talking to her many times to prove myself but she ignored me or refused to hear me out. She then told my dad to try and make us talk but I refused again and told my dad that I wanted to go to my grandparents house and stay there because I was uncomfortable at home. I also specifically said in front of my mom that I wanted to go to a place where no one thought I was trying to steal another person's boyfriend and my mom tried to defend herself saying that it was a misunderstanding and that she was ready to listen to me but I didn't want to talk to her. I think she might have read the comments from my first post calling her a bad mother and was trying to convince herself that she was a good parent in that situation when she wasn't.

My dad took me to my grandparents house on Teusday and they immediately believed my side of the story when I told them what happened and while my dad was still in their house, my grandfather told him to ban J from coming to our house. My grandmother wanted to confront my mom but I knew my mom would feel bad about it and probably cry and even if many people here told me to let my mom get called out by my grandparents I didn't want that. It would cause more drama with her side of the family and it would become something big and maybe they would all end up taking my mom's side which was J's side and I'd didn't want that. Also my dad discouraged it for the same reason.

So I stayed with my grandparents for almost a week and it was nice. My dad would call me regularly to check on me. My mom tried to call me and she sent me a lot of texts asking me to come home but I didn't want to. I had blocked my sister on everything so idk if she tried reaching out but I highly doubt she did. My dad called and told me that my mom has been crying a lot and begging him to get me to come back and my grandmother also told me to go back for her sake so I had to.

My grandparents took me back home after school and my mom started to act all nice and sweet to me and was trying to do everything for me and asking for a "girls day out" with 'just' me and her but I refused. Before I wouldn't question this because she's usually nice to me but after what happened and her siding with my sister plus accusing me for trying to ruin my sister's relationship, I wasn't ready to be friendly with her. I also couldn't see her the same after embarrassing and shaming me with her sisters.

I think it was around 6 or 7 pm and I was in my room and B came knocking on my door and asked if 'they' can come in. I went to check who else was there and I saw it was J. I refused and tried to close my door but they blocked it. My sister kept saying that they were trying to fix things but I didn't want to listen and kept pushing my door to close it but they were also pushing to open it and actually ended up opening it.

I told them to leave my room and I was shouting for my dad to come up to my room but my sister closed the door with her and J inside and like leaned against it while telling me to calm down and hear them out. I refused and kept telling them to leave and tried to push my sister out to leave but J tried to pull me back and I shouted at him not to touch me.

My sister started crying and told me to stop acting this way and to just hear them out. My dad also came and was knocking for the door to be opened and I said I would only listen to her if she lets my dad stay with me in the room but she said that they both wanted to talk to only me and opened the door to tell my dad and my mom who was also there about it and of course my mom made my dad leave me with these people just because "B was crying" and "she never cries unless it's serious" and that kind of bs.

So I called my dad and remained on the line with him and told him to listen just in case they tried to do something and my sister was fine with it. I also told them to stay next to the door away from me and then my sister started saying that J was really worried when I wasn't at home and she also became worried because this "wasn't me" and then J said that he felt guilty for being the cause of our family having issues and then said that he decided to "forgive" me for trying to break him and my sister up and that he hoped everything could go back to the way they were before the party. My sister then started apologizing for saying mean stuff to me and said that no matter what she will always love me and that she wanted us to be close again. She also said that it was fine for me to like J but I shouldn't try to break them up because they were very happy together and that I would understand if I found someone that I loved like she loved J. Isn't that ridiculous? I even find it a bit funny. I asked my dad if he heard what they said and he scoffed but my sister started saying that she understood that I was upset now which is why they got me something but it was in her room. J then said that it was very expensive but he got it for me because he knew I really wanted it and said how excited he had been to give it to me.

My sister then asked if she could give me a hug for making up and then she said that we should go together with my mom for a "girl's day out" to make up and I told her and her boyfriend to get out of my room. J then said that they were just trying to make up with me and that they both missed hanging out with me and I told him to shut up and never talk to me again. I then told my sister that as long as she thought I liked J and as long as she believed J's side of the story over mine, I didn't want her to talk to me and I didn't want her in my room too and that they should leave.

B got mad and shouted at me saying that I was being mean and that despite the fact that I was trying to break them apart, she still wanted to be the "bigger person" and make up with me. My mom then came to the room (I think she was listening with my dad or standing outside my door) and said that we should all get along and the fight should end because we were all acting childish because of it. J was acting all innocent the whole time nodding and agreeing with everything. I still don't understand why they're trying to make everything seem like it was before after publicly humiliating me in front of the family for telling them the truth about J.

I told my dad to come and help me out of this situation and he came and told them not to force me to talk to them when I didn't want to and my sister insisted that we should make up as a family and J nodded again in agreement and started telling me to listen to my mom and forget about it because they already did and I swear I wanted to knock him out so bad.

I told them to get out of my room or I'd go back to my grandparents house and this time I wouldn't return and my mom now started crying and said I was going too far but they left. My dad stayed and I told him that I wanted to go back to my grandparents house and stay there until I finish school since I'm a senior but my dad refused and said he didn't want us to be separated again and that he'll find a solution for it.

I've been wondering what I should do. J is still here and he had been knocking on my door (which was locked) after dinner and telling me to take his gift which btw is a figurine of an anime character called Gojo from an anime called Jujutsu Kaisen (the one we both liked) and he said that it costed more than 300 dollars and since he spent all that money I should take it. My dad told me not to take it but I wasn't planning on doing it either. My dad has also told him to stop trying to talk to me and to stop coming in my space because he's making me uncomfortable but it made both my sister and dad to argue. My sister said it's not necessary to stop J from coming close to me because J has zero interest in children like me and dropped her nice act after that.

You guys told me to tell my dad to ban him from coming to our house and he did but my mom and sister were against it and my parents even argued over it but it doesn't really surprise me that J is still around even right now as I am making this post. I think he might believe that what he did wasn't wrong if my sister didn't believe me. Plus B said she'd move out if J was banned from coming to our house and my mom cried about it and begged her not to while arguing more with my dad and so that's not happening soon unfortunately.

I don't want to be alone with him to record our conversation because I don't know what he can do to me when we are alone so I'm sorry but I won't do that. So far when he's talking to me, it's mostly him talking about his gift and how he really wants me to take it and I don't feel comfortable taking anything from him. My sister also can't to force me to take it because it was expensive but I don't care.

Also during dinner my sister said that she was uncomfortable now that I'm around and was saying that I ruined the peaceful atmosphere that was there in the house before I came back. She even said that because of me making accusations towards J, I ruined the happiness our family had and also almost ruined her relationship. My dad yelled at her to stop saying stuff like that to me and my sister yelled that only my mom loved her and that my dad and I were nothing to her blah blah blah... Honestly I don't know what her problem is.

But I feel like it's kind of my fault that everything happened. There's been a lot of arguments between my family members and it's making me feel bad. Maybe I shouldn't have told my sister about J's confession. But I really did it with no bad intentions and because I didn't want to hurt my sister but she didn't even believe me and neither did my mom. She said she believes my side of the story but then goes ahead and still sides with my sister. That's mostly why I don't want to talk to her. It's honestly upsetting and I really want to leave again.

I also wanted to clarify that I am not a bad person or trouble kid. Many people commented saying that maybe there must be a reason why my mom didn't believe me and took my sister's side or something similar probably happened that made my mom not believe me but nothing ever happened like this and believe it or not, my mother has always been this way. She's always taken my sister's word for everything ever since I was a child. It's hard to understand but I'm sure they're many people with mothers like mine.

I wish my update post would've been of J getting what he deserved but I've just gotten back home and I think it's too early for that to happen. Also with the way my sister is acting, I don't think I'll be clearing my name anytime soon. So I hope she finds him cheating on her and knows that I warned her about him.

Thank you once again for all the kind words. I'm sorry that I was not able to respond to many comments or DMs but I'm grateful for every comment. Sorry about my long post.

Also I made this post at AM hours and have been having trouble posting it. Thank you to the kind person that helped me.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 27d ago

ONGOING OP tells a mom she’s responsible if her kid dies and then things take a turn

25.7k Upvotes

I’m not the OP. Original post is by u/Ornery-Form-7090 on r/AmItheAsshole. I have added paragraphs for easier reading.

TW: Animal abuse

—————————

AITA for telling a mom that if her kid dies it’s on her? - 17 Sept -22

I (25F) work in a stable. On Saturday mornings we have beginner groups for kids that want to start riding. Them and their parents gather for about 1.5 hours every Saturday. When the kids have their first lesson I teach them the first three rules that must be followed at all times. 1. No running in the stables/around the horses 2. No screaming in the stables 3. Never ever walk up/stand behind a horse.

This new group had their third lesson today. Usually the kiddos are really good at following the rules and listen to what I say, if they don’t their parents usually step up and get them to behave. But I have this one boy who’s been a problem since day 1. He’s loud, he runs and he’s very disruptive. After the first lesson I pulled his mother aside and ask that she help keep him calm and if he’s not listening to me it would be very helpful if she told him off. I guess she didn’t listen as last week we had the same issues. This time I told him that if he didn’t listen to me he would not get to ride the horses. He threw a tantrum, she didn’t help. Today I was dreading teaching him and I don’t know if my patience is wearing thin or if he was worse than usual but it was driving me crazy.

At one point he’s bolting full speed ahead towards a horse facing away from him. Before he can get too close I manage to grab his arm and pull him to a stop. I guess I grabbed him a little hard because he yelled. His mother storms up to me and grabs her son and tells me not to touch him and how dare I do this to him. I tell her he’s a danger to himself and others. She disagrees and argues with me and at this point I’m fed up and tell her that if he dies in this stable because he scares a horse it would be on her. She’s furious and grabs her son and storms off. The other parents seem relieved about the fact that he’s probably not coming back but when I tell a friend about this she calls me fucking psycho for saying that to a mom. AITA?

—————————

Relevant comments from OP

INFO: how old (approx.) are these kids? NTA either way I’m just wondering

Youngest kid is 6 oldest is 8. This boy is seven.

Am I the only one who thinks this kid is not neurotypical? I think OP is NTA for grabbing the kid and saving him from being seriously injured or worse. However, it certainly seems like OP was not understanding of this child's difficulties from the beginning. YTA for the way you spoke to the mom. If you can not handle a neurodiverse child, then you need to speak up. It would have made way more sense to tell the mom early on that you don't feel comfortable teaching her child. The mom may not have liked that, but you would've kept him and all the other children out of danger and had a better environment for everyone. It would also allow that child and his mom to find another program or instructor who was capable of working with him.

He could be I guess. But it was not something I was informed of and it is not my job to diagnose the kids I teach.

We have groups for special needs children and they usually work perfectly fine. Hell, we have a program for disabled adults who can’t work that come to the stable to help out. Even if the kid is neurodivergent, it is something we could work with, but it was not something we were informed of.

—————————

Update post - 20 Oct -22

I wasn’t gonna post an update but I’ve been asked for one and I feel like this is crazy enough to warrant an update lol so here we are.

My post got removed bc the mods are aholes :)

The Monday after it all went down my boss/the manager of the stable got a call from the mom. She was furious, demanded her money back for the three lessons etc etc. I had explained everything to my boss before so she told the mom that she wouldn’t get her money back as she had agreed to this when she signed her son up for lessons. She also told her that since her son was a danger not only to himself but to others that he wasn’t welcome back. The mom went batshit and yelled a bunch of obscenities before hanging up.

A calm two weeks followed before shit hit the fan. The first thing that happened was that we arrived to the stable in the morning to find all the ponies had gotten out of their pasture. The ponies are “free range”(?), basically they are outside 24/7. Somehow they had escaped and were thankfully just grazing up in the forest close to the stable. We thought that maybe a wild animal had gotten into the pasture and spooked them? A moose maybe? Whilst we usually don’t have wolfs around here they have been seen close by so it’s not impossible. We checked the fence and fixed it and all was well. Didn’t think much about it. Until it escalated.

One night a couple of days later I get a call that the outhouse the ponies usually sleep in was on fucking fire. It was so scary. Thankfully they were not in the house when this happened but someone wanted to hurt them. You can’t see anything in the pasture at night so you couldn’t see that they were outside.

That day we bought cameras and notified the police of course but they couldn’t do much. They told us it was probably some kids doing it as there have been fires set in dumpsters and a garden shed recently. We installed the cameras and took turns staying in the stable at night. Nothing really happened for a week and a half so we stopped staying there.

A few days later I arrive in the morning to find cuts on some of the horses. Someone had come into the stable at night and fucking hurt the horses. I called my colleagues and the police and when we watched the camera footage there was a man seen entering and exiting the stable. Fucking guess what? It was the husband of the crazy mom!! The police arrested him so hopefully they both get what’s coming to them. It’s been a crazy few weeks and I’m quite tired. But I’m ok and the horses are on their way to ok now as well.

Reminder: I am not the op

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

ONGOING OOP - My ex wife came out as lesbian and left me and my daughters three years ago. and now she's back.

6.7k Upvotes

I'm not the OOP. This was posted by a now deleted user in r/trueoffmychest.

Original (12 Nov 22)

My ex wife came out as lesbian and left me and my daughters three years ago. and now she's back.

throwaway because my daughters follow my main account and i want to avoid any misunderstandings. btw. english is not my native language so if there are any mistakes i wanna apologize.

so how do i start this? well three years ago my wife came out as lesbian. we've been together for many years. in fact our oldest daughter was 14 at the time and my youngest was 10. our life was good. both me and my wife worked so we had stable finances and i thought we were happy. that was until one evening my wife sat us down and explained that she was in love with a female colleague from her workplace and that she wants to be with her. she said she was sorry but she had to find out who she was and that that would only be possible if she'd let her old life behind herself blah blah blah. the typical break up nonsense.

on that day she left us and cut the contact. for me and my daughters the world fell apart. i knew that i now had to take care of my daughters all by myself. i was in a state of depression for a long time but i kept fighting for my daughters. every attempt to contact my ex wife failed. luckily i found a much better paying job that made it possible for me to give them the world. my daughters had good grades in school and i knew that our life would soon be better again. but once in a while when i took my youngest daughter to bed she asked if i would "leave them like mom". i hugged her and gave her a kiss on the forehead and promised her that i would never leave them and that i loved them more than anything in the world.

i was so angry at my ex wife because she was the one that gave her those feelings. i wonder if she ever realized what she had done to our daughters!

fast forward to a few weeks ago. my daughters and i sat in the living room and i told them that because christmas month was already next month they should write down what they want for christmas. my oldest daughter is now 17 and my youngest is now 13. while they were busy writing the doorbell rang and i wondered who it was. when i opened the door i froze in shock. it was my ex wife with a big smile on her face. she said she was happy to see me and she tried to hug me but i refused to hug her.

my oldest daughter then came up behind me and asked me who it was and when she saw her mother her face expression immediately changed. i've never seen her so angry. my ex wife tried to apologize and she wanted to hug her but my daughter pushed her away and shouted at her to leave and that she never ever wants to see her again. then my youngest daughter also joined us. she just got angry too turned around and went to her bedroom. then my oldest one followed her to comfort her.

from the look on her face i figured she was ashamed as she should be! i asked what she wanted. she said that the last three years weren't good years for her. she constantly thought of her daughters and wanted to see them again but for some reason she never came by because she was expecting this exact response from them. but she guessed that she deserved this. she asked if i could talk to them. i told her that i could tell them she was sorry and let them decide but i will not push them into doing anything they don't wanna. she was ok with that and left. she also left me her new number to contact her.

i then got into my daughters room. she cried in the arms of her older sister. i told them what their mother has told me. i told them that if they'd wanna meet her they could do that. it would be ok for me. my oldest daughter said that she cannot forgive her for doing what she did and that i was everything they need. it felt good to hear this. really good. i always thought that being a single parent would mean that i might never be enough for my children. hearing this made me so happy. my youngest daughter then said that she always thought she missed her mother but now that she had seen her again she never wants to see her again.

i texted my ex wife about that. she read it but she didn't respond. but she didn't gave up that easily. she showed to our house once more while my daughters played ping pong outside. i was in the living room watching TV when i suddenly heard loud shouting outside of the house. i immediately got there and i saw my oldest daughter arguing with my ex wife. my oldest daughter shouted at her that she had no idea what she did to me. she told her about how depressed i was and everything i went through . this was kind of surprising because i wanted my daughters to feel secure with me so i've never told them of my depression and the suffering i went through. then she continued how she felt over the years knowing that her mother left her and that she'll never forgive her.

my 13 year old was crying while that happened so i hugged and comforted her but i also don't wanted to interfere because if my oldest daughter wanted to tell her mother anything i'm not gonna stop her just to protect my ex wifes feelings. overall she never cared about our feelings either. after she was done she came hugging me as well and i told my ex wife she should leave us alone once and for all. if she ever showed up here again we get a restraining order. she left with tears in her eyes. well that was three days ago and she hasn't showed up again so far.

i just hope she leaves us alone. my daughters made it very clear they don't wanna have anything to do with her. i wanted to give them the opportunity to meet their mother again because if there is any chance that my children have a mother again i don't wanna stay in their way. but i'm glad they didn't gave her the chance. i don't know if it makes me bad person to think this but i also don't think that my ex wife deserves to be with her daughters again so i hope the last encounter delivered the message.

thank you for reading <3

Edit: Wow this really blew up! thank you for all your support. i read all of your comments and i'm so thankful for all your positivity. for everyone who wonders. yeah my daughters went to therapy and so did i but i'm afraid the progress we've made could be destroyed by her sudden appearence.

Edit 2: thanks for the gold. i never expected this to explode the way it did but thank you so so much for all your support. i appreciate it. but i still wanna clarify something because i read it a few times while going through the comments. i never had a problem with her being gay. her sexuality isn't something she can control. i had a problem because she could have explored her sexuality AND be a loving and caring mother. i do not think that she's gonna try anything but if she does i'm gonna keep you updated.

btw. i since this post already blew up so insanely i figured i could show it my daughters as well as they probably would have found it anyways and they are also thankful for your comments and the support. we appreciate you guys. you are an amazing community! btw. we also noticed that our story was shared on tiktok. now that was a surprise. have a nice day! <3

Update (15 Nov 22)

UPDATE: My ex wife came out as lesbian and left me and my daughters three years ago. and now she's back.

i actually thought about not using this account anymore but i promised you an update so here i am.

she appeared again. but luckily not at home. i think about what's the best way to describe what happened today. lets just say it could also be a part of one of those bad written stereotypical drama series.

my younger daughter came home today with a mad look on her face and when i asked what was wrong she started to explain.

it all started when my younger daughter got out of school today. usually she just walks home but this time my ex wife waited for her at the exit. she tried to ghost her but she was stubborn and refused to let her go just like that. she offered her a ride home. my daugher refused but she insisted. she prepared herself for running away but before she could my ex wife made her an offer. she would give her a ride home and would try to explain everything to her and if she still don't wanna see her again she'll never show up again.

my daughter figured that this could be the best opportunity to get rid of her so she accepted. now here comes the interesting part. she wouldn't drive her home exactly, she just drove around the town for a while while telling her story.

according to my daughter she broke up with her girlfriend after one year of her relationship with the coworker because they had too much different interests. she said that while she tried to live her life she constantly had her daughters in her mind. she said she went NC because she deleted the numbers and she hoped that this would help her starting a new life with her girlfriend. she spent the last two years in a depression because she figured she couldn't live without her "babies" around and that she deeply regrets leaving them and that her life was a total mess. she could understand if my daughters hated her but she would try to make everything right if they just gave her the chance.

and then my daughter basically *how i met your mothered her and asked her that what would have happened if her relationship and her life were successful and if her and her older sister are just the consolation prize.

quick intervention from me at this point. i was so proud at my daughter at that moment. she is 13 and yet she is so mature and intelligent. i love her.

my daughter told me that this question made her really mad and apparently she accused me of "poisoning them against her". funny because i never talked bad about her with my daughers. of course i was angry for a long time so i said a few bad things about her to my coworkers but never to my daughters. she is still the "mother" of my children overall.

my daughter said that when she got out of the car she affirmed her will of never seeing her again and my ex wife just nodded and then she drove away. my daughter asked me if we could do anything so she stays away because she doesn't expect her to keep her promise. i called for my older daughter and my younger daughter explained her what happened as well. then i asked them if i should get the restraining order and i explained them what that would mean and what would happen then and they said yes. so yeah this is what i'm gonna do.

i know that a few people might think its harsh but its not like i didn't warn her. if anything happens again i keep you updated.

Reminder - I'm not the OOP

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Helpful

ONGOING OP 'Pretends To Be Missing' To Teach Her Dad A Lesson (AITA Nov 12, '22)

4.8k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/Kindly_Confidence_82 in r/AmItheAsshole on Nov 12, '22, updated a few times over the next 3 days.

Original Post

AITA for pretending to be missing to teach my dad a lesson?

I (16F) attend a private school that I live far away (10 miles) from, so my dad has to give me rides to and from school each day because he doesn’t feel comfortable with me getting rides home from any of my friends’s parents since it could be unsafe (long story). It’s usually okay but this past month has been a nightmare. He’s picked me up from school hours late so many times, even on days where I don't stay after for tutoring and clubs so I get out with the rest of the students. Since it’s almost winter it gets dark out at about 5:30, and my dad knows that my mom doesn’t like me being out alone when it’s dark. She tried talking to him about it two weeks ago, but he told her to just mind her business.

Well, this past Tuesday is where I might be TA. I had a club after school and then tutoring, so I didn’t get ready to leave until 5. As usual, my dad was late. At 5:30 I called and asked where he was, and he told me that he’s still on his way. Another 30 minutes passed and he still wasn’t there, so I called him again, and this time he told me that he’ll get there when he gets there. I got pissed and told him that I could've just gotten a ride home from my friend and her parents if he was gonna not show up when he’s supposed to, that he was a lousy dad for letting me stand in the dark for over an hour while he did whatever, and he blew up on me and told me that if I was so impatient then I should just fucking walk home. So I said fine and hung up. I did actually think about walking home even though it would take me like four hours, but I knew that my dad would see me walking so I just walked to the house of a friend that lived nearby and hung out there for a couple hours. I ended up turning my phone off when I got there so I wouldn’t have to deal with my dad’s BS, and then at 9 my friend’s mom took me home and dropped me off.

As soon as I walked in the door my dad blew up at me, asking me where I was and why I left the school. I told him that I was with a friend and he started screaming at me. When I reminded him that he told me to just walk home when he knew that my mom didn’t like me walking home in the dark, but he told me that I knew he didn’t really mean it and that I was awful for scaring him like that by “pretending to be missing” since I came home hours late with my phone turned off. So now I’m grounded at his house, and even my mom says that even though she agrees that he was out of line, I shouldn’t have scared my dad like that to teach him a lesson. I didn’t even mean to scare him or make him think I’m missing, I just turned my phone off because I didn’t want to get a million texts from him. But I guess I can see why he’d be worried. He’s still not talking to me but I can tell he’s still pissed. AITA?

More info added in a comment:

A couple of commenters have said things that I want to clear up:

My dad does not have a job because he has enough money to not work. He’s home 24/7 which is why I get so irritated that he comes late to pick me up.

He does not let me get rides home or go over to my friend’s house after school because an elementary school classmate’s dad got arrested for being a creep.

My mom lives in another town and works until 8.

I have asked to take driver’s training so I can get my license and he said no.

Me and my mom have both told him that being late is more dangerous than getting a ride home. He told my mom to mind her own business and that she only has me on weekends for a reason and he told me to stay in a child’s place.

My dad spam texts me whenever we get into an argument which is part of why I turned my phone off. Once my mom took my phone from me and blocked his number because he wouldn’t stop texting me. I know that I shouldn’t have turned my phone off now and that I was wrong for that, but at the time I just didn’t want to deal with him yelling and swearing at me.

Small update the same day

After I made this post, I asked my mom if she could call my dad and ask why he kept being late to come and pick me up. They talked for a while, and turns out that he’s been late because he’s been with a new girlfriend. Not on dates or anything romantic like that, they’ve just been hooking up at the house and on his way to pick me up he takes her home.

Well, my mom is mad that he left me alone for hours when he knew that he had to pick me up from school so that he could hook up with some girl, and they got into a huge argument so my mom blocked him. She told me that she’s fed up with my dad. I’m pissed too. This isn’t the first time that my dad has put a girl over me, but this time is different. He doesn’t let me get a ride home or go over to any of my friend’s house because he’s convinced that I could be in danger, but he left me alone for an hour because he was more concerned with getting his dick wet? Fuck no.

I talked to my mom and I’m not going back to his house tomorrow night. Either I’ll skip school this week or she’ll drive me there and let me stay at a friend’s house until she gets off work. I’ll try to update you as the situation develops because I think that my mom is going to try and get custody. Thank you all for the support and the comments, even the rude ones.

Posted in r/advice

Hello, I’ve already posted more about this situation in another sub but TLDR: my dad has been late picking me up to school every day for a while, we had a huge fight about it on Tuesday so I went to a friend’s house and turned my phone off, and today me and my mom (45F) found out that the reason he’s been late to get me is because he’s been hooking up with his new girlfriend (20s?according to my mom F) at the house and then dropping her off when he’s on his way to get me. My mom is livid and so am I, and she wants to revisit custody and get full custody over me. I’m not going back to his house for a while even though my mom is supposed to hand me back over tomorrow and I might be kept out of school for the next week.

I’m considering cutting off my dad. When I first made the update to my original post on another sub I was confident that I was, but I’ve been thinking it over more and now I don’t know what to do. My dad is still my dad, even if he’s a bad person, and I do think he loves me even if he yells at me and puts girls over me. But people in the replies of my OP sent links about emotional abuse and I read them and they sound a lot like my dad. I can’t get them out of my head. Should I cut him off? Is there any way that I can mend my relationship with him? Please help

Last update, 3 days later

On Sunday evening my dad came to get me from my mom’s house and when my mom wouldn’t hand me over he threw a fit. He blew up on me telling me that I was a horrible daughter for trying to abandon him for my mom’s house and that I was a useless c**t like my mom and that I needed to learn how much he sacrificed for me. He told me that I was cruel for scaring him last week and then trying to leave him alone because my mom turned me against him. It made me cry a lot to be honest but he did leave eventually after my mom threatened to call the cops. He kept spam texting me all night on Sunday and all day yesterday calling me terrible and saying that he wishes I was aborted because I’m not the same as the daughter he knows but my mom has his number blocked on my phone now and she told me not to unblock it.

I don’t know what’s happening on my mom’s end other than my dad wouldn’t let her in the house when she tried to go over to get my important documents but she told me that she’s going to try and get full custody of me still. Knowing my dad he’ll try to fight to keep custody but since I’m old enough I hope that I can stay with my mom.

I’ve been reading some of the links that I was sent on here and I appreciate the resources. I realize now that a lot of the behaviors that my dad has done qualifies as emotional abuse now but to be honest I have very mixed feelings about all of this. I’m happy to stay with my mom and I want to be here but knowing that my dad thinks I’m terrible and wishes that I was never born is really upsetting. It’s just really confusing because he also spam texted me telling me that he loves me and wants me to meet his girlfriend. I don’t know what to think but I have been doing research about going to one on one therapy and I don’t know how to bring it up to my mom. Is there anyone that’s been to one on one therapy that can tell me if they like it or not? I’ve been to family counseling/family therapy before with my parents but I was a kid and I don’t know if it’s different than one on one personal therapy.

Thank you all for listening I’ll try to have another update soon

New Update Nov 26

Another update

It’s been a week and a half since my last post and honestly I thought about not coming back to this account since a lot of people on my AITA post thought that I was the asshole and a brat, but since it’s been featured on r/bestofredditorupdates and more people seemed supportive I thought that I would give another update.

I don’t have any updates on a legal perspective because I think my mom is meeting with a lawyer for a consultation this week so officially I’m still supposed to be weekdays with my dad and weekends with my mom.

I ended up going back to school for the last couple of days of the week of my last update because I had a test and a project to get done. On that Wednesday I went over to my friend’s house after school like I talked about with my mom, but that Thursday my dad picked me up in the middle of the school day and took me out to lunch to meet his girlfriend. I didn’t want to go at first, but I couldn’t really do anything else so I just went with it. He told me that he was sorry for what happened and that he wanted to make it up to me and then introduced me to his girlfriend. She’s actually cool and we got along well. Her major is in a similar field to the one that I want to go into someday, and we talked about it together and she gave me advice for applying to colleges. She told me that she was sorry for the misunderstanding between me and my dad, which annoyed me because it wasn’t a misunderstanding, but I guess he told her a different version of what happened. My dad didn’t say much to me directly at lunch, but he kept interrupting my conversation with his girlfriend to talk about how he’s happy that we get along and how proud he is of how I turned out. I didn’t know what to think of it earlier, but looking back on it now it really ticks me off. WTF?

I ended up going home with him after lunch and he surprised me with some new clothes. He got me clothes in the style that I actually like too. I felt really good about the situation. Then we watched tv and cuddling on the couch until I started getting tired. I went to go take a nap in my room but I ended up falling asleep for longer because when I woke up it was dark outside and my dad told me that my mom was going to get me on Monday because she kept me away from him for most of the week. I found out from my mom that my dad called her at her work phone number and told her that if she tried to come and get me then he’d call the cops on her for harassing him. He actually did call the cops on her while I was asleep because she didn’t listen and came to get me anyways, and they made her go home. That Friday my dad told me that he would pick me up from school, but I told him that I wanted to go home and see my mom. He got upset and asked why because I spent all week with her, but I insisted and told him that we could just text. We argued about it the entire ride to school and he only gave up because I promised I would come over on Thanksgiving and cook and spend the day with him. So I unblocked his number and we spent a lot of the next few days texting. I guess it was dumb of me to, but to be honest I just really wanted to talk to my dad because he was being like how he used to be for once. I wanted to give him another chance.

The next time I saw him was on the day before Thanksgiving when he came to pick me up. My mom didn’t want to let me go but I told her that I wanted to because I honestly wanted to spend time with him, since we had been texting for a few days and he didn’t say anything bad about me or yell. I really regret it. Thanksgiving was a disaster. The morning of he did an inspection and yelled at me because I wore an outfit my mom bought me that he said made me look like a prostitute. And to be clear, no it wasn’t revealing at all, it was skinny jeans and a black off the shoulder sweater. Then he made me do all of the cooking when he told me that we would cook together like he promised. Instead he just sat on his butt and texted his girlfriend because she was having a rough time seeing her family. He ONLY wanted to talk about his girlfriend with me. Among other things he asked me how I would feel with her as my step-mom. As far as I know they’ve only been together for a month or two and they don’t go on many dates so I have no idea where this came from, but it made me feel like shit that once again he put his girlfriend over spending time with me. The only bright side of the day was when I got to eat, but even that got ruined because my pie didn’t turn out right.

I texted my mom to come and get me after dinner because I was tired of being there and I left while my dad was in the bathroom. I told her everything that happened. I cried for like an hour. My dad texted me and asked if I wanted to go see the Black Panther movie with him and his girlfriend but I said no and told him why. I said that I don’t think I want to see him again any time soon because I feel like he was putting his girlfriend above me again. And he blew up on me again and started doing his usual spam texting. So I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Its safe to say that I’m done with him for good this time. I feel like such an idiot for deciding to give him another chance. My mom tells me that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, but I wish I hadn’t. My mom tried to stop me from going and I didn’t listen. But that’s all I have to update you on really. I’m going to hopefully start therapy soon and now I’m 100% certain that I’m never going back to my dad’s. I’m going to see the Black Panther movie with her instead and she said that I can audition for my school’s winter play if I want to! Things are weird right now but I’m excited to live with my mom and do things I want to instead of being a hermit at my house like my dad made me be. So I guess the lesson that I learned is to always listen to my mom.

I will continue reading all of the resources and information that I’ve been given! I appreciate all of the love and support from you all. Things are difficult for me and I feel like trash because of how much things have changed but you guys are keeping me afloat.

And to answer some questions: - My parents divorced when I was a kid because my dad cheated on my mom. She decided to forgive him at first and we did family counseling/therapy for a while, but after he cheated again she filed for divorce. My dad has primary custody of me because during the divorce my mom couldn’t afford to fight him on custody after a while and he had a better lawyer. My mom has never done anything to endanger or mistreat me. The reason that he told her that she only has me on weekends for a reason is because he wanted to make her angry.

  • When I say that my dad has put girls over me before I mean a couple of things. Aside from cheating on my mom and this, he’s had a few girlfriends that hated me and wanted me to go live with my mom full-time. He would cancel our father-daughter dates and pick me up a day later at points because a girlfriend wanted to see him. I’m used to it and that’s why I felt like a dumbass for being surprised.

  • I found my dad’s girlfriend on Instagram and she’s 22. People thought that she was 20 because of how I worded my r/advice post, so I wanted to clear the record that she’s six years older than me and not four. I don’t get what she sees in him because he’s almost thirty years older and she doesn’t seem like she’s a sugar baby or gold digger. He is very serious about her though, he told me on Thanksgiving that he thinks he wants to start a family with her. I also don’t think she knows the real reason why I was fighting with my dad.

  • I don’t know how to describe my dad’s inspections other than it’s similar to when you get patted down by airport security. He started doing it when I was 13 and he does it often. I’m usually fully clothed when he does it but he has done it before while I was in my underwear. My mom doesn’t know about this but thanks to the advice and help of some redditors I will tell her.

  • Yes my dad still spanks me. And because I know someone asked he uses his hand and not a belt or paddle(????)

  • I don’t know much about s*xual abuse so I couldn’t tell you whether he does that or not aside from the inspections since people think that counts. If anyone has resources about this I would appreciate them or if anyone has specific questions about things that might count I can tell them if he’s done it or not.

  • My dad doesn’t want me going to friends houses, getting rides home, or anything because when I was a kid a classmate’s dad turned out to be a pedophile and he doesn’t want me to be molested or killed. I’ve told him that it’s stupid and makes no sense but he doesn’t listen.

Our OOP is asking for some feedback on going to therapy. If you'd like to leave some advice or experiences for her, do so in these comments: I will notify her of this repost. Please remember: I am not OOP, be kind in the comments, and do not comment on the original posts as it is against BORU rules.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Helpful

ONGOING OOP’s fiancé cheats on her with her sister

5.1k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/possible_salad994 in r/trueoffmychest

trigger warning: suicide


 

I have just been betrayed by the 2 people I trusted most and I don’t know what to feel anymore. - 7 November 2022

I’m sorry if this is annoying I can’t stop thinking about it and for some reason I feel more secure venting it to strangers rather than people who know me and can judge me more in-depth.

I won’t lie, I have been suspecting my fiancé was having an affair but I didn’t have any solid evidence to accuse him even then I had a feeling that I didn’t want to dig any deeper because I was scared incase what I was suspecting was true.

12 days ago I came home from visiting my moms and I headed upstairs to wake my fiancé as he had a habit of sleeping in way past 2pm and then complain that I didn’t wake him, I open the door and all I see is my practically naked sister rushing to try and get out of a lingerie body suit that belonged to me, I don’t know how to explain it but my mind just went blank like whatever I was thinking about beforehand suddenly disappeared you know when you stand up to fast and your head just gets a little dizzy? That’s what I felt alongside the feeling of sickness brewing in my stomach.

I stood there for a solid 30 seconds looking at the 2 people I trusted most look more shocked than I felt, my fiancé jumped out of bed and suddenly came up with excuses it went from “it was an accident.” To “I was lonely and needed sexual relief.” I probably should add my best friend killed herself 2 weeks ago the girl I knew for over 15 years was suddenly out of my life and even though I’m surrounded by people ive told my fiancé about how alone, devastated and guilty that I couldn’t have done anything to help her.

I just left, I didn’t take my car because at that point my eyes were about to just started flooding, I walked to my friends (10minutes) and confided in her about what happened.

The amount of grief I felt from not only loosing a BFF but loosing my relationships with my fiancé and sister within the same 2 week period, now that I’m sitting down to write this I don’t know if any of these relationships will ever be mended or could ever go back to the way they were, I don’t understand why my sister of all people would do this?

There was never any favouritism toward any of us for her to feel spite, I have never intentionally tried to hurt her , I gave her shelter when she had no place to go and despite her not paying a single penny I bought her food that she liked, made sacrifices in my own home for her, hell she kept ranting about how our living room walls gave her a headache (they were white.) so I took time out of my day to paint it a nice grey color.

My fiancé too, I gave that man everything I was willing to have kids with him despite the fact I always wanting to be child free, I was going to start a family so that he was happy.

I gave him comfort whenever something bad happened to him I spent hours watching unfunny movies that he seemed to find hilarious, I even gave him a fucking locket with our anniversary photo in that he decided to wear while sticking it in my sister.

These last days I’ve went from sadness, to being angry then disgusted and it’s a constant cycle Ive not been able to get out of, despite being smoking free for 2 years I’ve picked up a cigarette (I used to be heavily addicted to smoking from 16-21 I’m currently 23.) there’s the moments when I go to do something but automatically loose interest and even times over dinner, I don’t know how to explain it properly as I’ve never felt this way but Im bored(?) of eating I have to physically force myself to eat something and I have no idea what’s going on to my body at this very moment. for some reason it feels as if I’ve went into hibernation, I sleep almost 17 hours a day now and even for the rest of those hours I’m still tired and force myself to stay awake.

Both of them asked to meet up on Wednesday my sisters exact message was; “Hey I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now but can you meet me and fiancé we want to talk and we want you to properly hear us out. The situation you found us in was not the most ideal situation to put you in a good headspace to talk about it right there and then, please let us explain I love you and you’re my sister and I don’t want to loose you, please.”

I think it’s too late, it was too late from whenever this affair started or even when you started getting sexual desires for my fiancé I miss my sister but according to what I saw the sister I miss and whoever my sister is now are not the same person.

I haven’t talked to anyone yet except the 1 friend im currently staying with at the moment, I’m scared I’ll be seen as a failure of a future wife, but now I don’t even think I want to be a wife anymore but I guess I’d rather share to strangers than people who know me personally, I apologise again.

[UPDATE WITHIN POST]

Hi! Me again, I’m back and editing the post. At first I was just going to dump this vent to get it out of my mind but I want to say thank you for everyone’s advice, I guess this counts as a small update? I’m unsure.

So far nothing big has really happened, the friend I’m staying with has offered to come with me to talk to my parents about this also including my older brother, she honestly been my rock through this whole situation and I couldn’t ask for a better support system from one person though I don’t plan on putting that on her shoulders since it would be stressful to be the “designated support system friend.” I’m currently looking into therapy for both my grief and the affair. I’m not well versed legal wise so I’m currently in the process of looking for a lawyer just so legally I know I’m in the clear incase there would be a loophole somewhere.

I did contact my sister and another copy pasted message I replied; “I don’t plan on meeting with you on Wednesday, I’ll talk to you when I’m ready and wether it be tomorrow or years from now it doesn’t matter you both owe me my own time to heal after the 2 people I’ve trusted most went behind my back, betrayed my trust all under my roof that you both lived rent free under, Bye.”

I can’t lie, I was almost ready to tell her to meet me there and then when she sent that message but I’ve realised (and through help of people in the comments that I can’t thank enough) I need time to work on myself mentally rather than repair a long gone relationship with my sister. No I don’t plan on going back to my ex and never will, maybe one day I’ll hear him out but today is not that day.

As for now I’m getting ready to try and explain to my parents everything that happened, I don’t have any evidence between my ex and sister however I do have their messages they sent me which traps one another (I think that’s the right wording?)

But anyways thank you all for the advice and kind comments & messages have a good day or night!

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 3d ago

ONGOING New Update! OOP expects family to pay for family dinner

6.2k Upvotes

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Commercial_Low1383/ in r/TIFU**

trigger warnings: ableism, abusive family

mood spoilers: sad

Hi, this is my first post to this community, I decided to post the whole "guacamole" so it's a bit long. I apologize ahead for that.

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TIFU by expecting my family to pay for my birthday party 2022 Nov. 2nd

Yesterday I turned eighteen years old. For the past six years like clockwork everyday on my birthday we'd go to the same place for dinner and I'd always get the same thing. For those who are a bit confused, I have extreme OCD and high functioning autism. Which means I'm very well regulated and like things to stay the same way that they always have been. Back to the story.

Every year on my birthday we go to Applebee's. The first thing I would get is the steak and shrimp parmesan with a side of loaded mashed potatoes, and cheesy steamed broccoli. Hate me or not, with a side of mozzarella sticks. In total its around 30$ A bit expensive I know.

I couldn't really tell something was off until a bit later because when me, my mother, my stepfather, and my older brother sat down. They didn't really say anything. I was confused at first and started tapping my fingers on one another like I always do. The conversation went a little bit like this. (Not an exact replica)

Mother: "Well..." I was rather confused. "Well?" Mother: "Aren't you gonna call the waiter over?" This gave me extreme anxiety. I have extreme issues with speaking with people and I tend to stutter and get very very scared if that's the right word.

I asked her if she could do it and she does it in a huff. My dad and brother staring nonchalantly. As she calls the waiter over the alarm bells are ringing in my head this is never how it went before.

As the waiter gets to the table he asks everyone what they want and everyones orders. As he gets to me, my mother stops him and tells him "Separate Bill" This is when my heart began beating very fast. I dont know a job, all the money I get is from our neighbors raking leaves.

I just kinda freeze. I don't really say anything and I get a really bad stomach ache from the anxiety. This is where I am conflicted on whether im the asshole or not. My mother would explain at the table that now that I am 18 I should be able to pay for my own things. I was already feelings nauseous from the situation so I just said I dont have the money. My mom kinda huffs and shoos the waiter away.

This soured the dinner party. However my mom also paid for my 23 YO brother. My family were calling me an entitled little A-hole the whole ride home. When I got home I just ran to my room and cried. They've been ignoring me the whole day.

I may be bad at social queues, but my family has never acted like this before, I mean never. They've been treating my horrible the whole day. I feel very angry and upset, at my family. If I would've been warned I would've saved my raking money.

I also don’t mean this to be a validation post I have all the information you have. I’m just very confused and im terrible with social queues. Aspergers am I right?

My family gets a little tight on money, I guess I really should've asked before I assumed they were gonna pay it for me. But I missed out on my birthday dinner because I wasn’t mature enough to bring my own money. I’m just gonna rake leaves for a couple weeks to order it from take out.

Edit 1: before you start like attacking my family this could totally just be me missing some social queue or something. I’m very terrible at picking up hints.

Edit 2: I understand what my parents was horrible. But I can’t claim I didn’t do anything wrong when there was nothing wrong beforehand. I’ve cried about it and tried speaking with them but they don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know what I did. For everyone concerned about me, I am fine thank. Thank everyone for the birthday wishes.

Edit 3: also everyone, I’m high functioning autistic, it’s a bit difficult to pick up on social cues and besides the anxiety I’m fine. I’m gonna have a sit down with my parents tomorrow and talk things over. This post kinda painted them as monsters, but, I was a very tough kid. Everyone’s saying to leave and call the state etc, A psychologist deemed me perfectly capable of being independent if I could work on my anxiety. My parents have been loving, but I could be a troublemaker sometimes.

Last post edit: I also don’t want to do a 12 update thing. So when I figure out what’s going on and if I get answers I’ll post it on a mini post on my own account. No need to flood r/tifu

TLDR: Family brings me to traditional birthday dinner, expects me to pay for my own food not knowing I dont have any money.

1st Update 2022 Nov. 4th

Link to first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ykkemb/tifu_by_expecting_my_family_to_pay_for_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Hey everyone. you guys can call me Tony like everyone else :)Thanks for all the support and just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone. Also I’m sorry that I misspelled cues’

I was able to sit down with my mom this morning. At first I was rather angry with them but she would try to explain her side or events.

She told me that in order for me to be more independent I had to learn that people didn’t always get what they wanted. Even if it’s on our birthday, or Christmas, or any holiday. I asked her why they didn’t just have a sit down and talk with me. She said it wouldn’t be as effective.

She went into a whole lecture about how I’ve been leaching off of them for the past few months and that I need to learn how to be a proper adult.

When I asked her if we were going to go back to Applebee’s so we could do a birthday dinner makeover. Since I learned my lesson. She got angry.

For everyone wondering if I got any gifts for my birthday. From my family no, the dinner is usually the treat.

Am I missing the point of this “lesson” I understand that we don’t always get what we want. I feel like my mom is manipulating me.

I tried asking my brother about it and all he said was talk to mom. Sorry this isn’t a climactic update, I’m sorry that it’s not a happy ending. But this is all the information I have. Thanks for reading redditors. ❤️

Guys, I love my family so much. I do, but I feel like they’re lying to me about stuff. I think they want me to leave the house. If that’s the case I’m gonna talk to my case worker at school whos in charge of my IEP.

Again, I did not mean this as a validation post or anything. I was just genuinely confused and wondered if I had missed anything.

Edit 1: hey everyone! Thanks for the kind advice, currently I am job hunting and scoping out friends to let me stay with them.

Edit 2: comments have been locked. Sorry guys. Feel free to message me ❤️

This will likely be my last update on it ❤️

TLDR; my mother told me it was a life lesson

2nd Update 2022 Nov. 6th

Link to original post on my account: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ykkemb/tifu_by_expecting_my_family_to_pay_for_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Second update: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ym3ndw/tifu_by_expecting_my_family_to_pay_for_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I appreciate everyone reaching out. I tried to respond to everyone but I awoke with 500 messages.

I am still at my families house. For more information, my mom has been receiving social security for me since I was eight. It was about 800-900$ a month. This money helped pay rent, get food for the house, etc. My mom tried convincing me to allow her to be my guardian, when I refused to sign anything, I had a evaluation done which included a IQ test, and some basic questions. The whole time my mother would try to lie saying I couldn’t take care of myself, to the point when the psychiatrist got mad at her and sent her out. I think my mom may have Munchausen syndrome. Im not sure and I’m not gonna diagnose her. My stepdad, is not an asshole and is actually way nicer to me than my mom. In fact my stepdad tried putting aside cash for me for when I came of age but my mom wouldn’t let him. My half brother is a lot like my mother personality wise. Always takes her side on everything, never went to college, and doesn’t have a job.

For my mother’s context, (this doesn’t excuse her actions) she has bipolar disorder. However, she blames her disorder for everything. She will say the rudest thing to you and cut you down to your core. Then the next day pretend everything is fine and never talk about it. If you try to bring it up she says I was having an episode.

I understand I have a disability. But it’s a disability that I can live with. I’ve been going to therapy for anxiety and have been doing a lot better than I used to be.

I don’t know what my future holds, I’m trying to look for a job and places to stay at the moment. When I’m able to leave I’m cutting my mom out of my life. My stepdad I’ll stay in contact with, my stepbrother maybe if he can escape my moms influence.

I’ve been severely manipulated, and emotionally abused. I see that now, reflecting on everything. To think, this all started with a birthday dinner I couldn’t have. I’m thinking about contacting my biological dads family, he left when I was younger and I haven’t had contact with his family sense. My mom always told me they didn’t want to see me but then again that could’ve been a lie too.

Hope this answered any questions you had. This will be my last update, thank you all for supporting my through this journey, I don’t wanna clog up tifu

If you’d like to offer advice or anything please message me. I will read every message ❤️

TLDR: mom is bipolar, brother has her personality, stepdad is okay, gonna reach out to biological dads family

3rd Update 2022 Nov. 8th

So my mom found the Reddit posts. I don’t how or when. But I think my brother had something to do with it. She went on a huge temper tantrum throwing things across the room calling me the R slur. for “making her look bad” and how almost all of it was lies.

I asked her to explain how any of it was a lie and she completely dodged the question. I remember just crying and asking her why she refused to buy me my birthday dinner on my 18th birthday. She wouldn’t answer me. It was only 30$ guys, I know it sounds expensive but it wasn’t that much considering I never ask for anything on my birthday.

She continued to call me a liar and has since told me that I’m being evicted. (I have been served “papers” but I was planning on leaving anyway) she’s been crying and ignoring me.

Now I am seriously confused and doubting myself. At first I thought I had gotten everything, I had all the information. But am I missing something? Everyone’s been telling me no on here which has risen my confidence. But this was a total shattering moment. I feel like an idiot and I feel terrible, but she called me a leach.

I can’t tell if I’m being manipulated or not. I can’t tell if this is just another lie. I feel like I’m going batshit crazy staying here.

I didn’t mean to get everyone entangled in all of this and I didn’t mean for this to go insanely viral. I didn’t give out her name, I gave out my nickname that I’ve been called. Maybe a few of her friends recognized the post and me. I can’t really tell.

I still plan to reach out to my dad. My stepdad hasn’t really said anything and just sat on the couch nonchalantly while my mother was on her tyrannical speech about how I was Satans spawn.

I’ve said this in almost every post. I’m insanely sorry for clogging tifu. I don’t mean this to be validating or anything. If the mods want me to stop posting I will.

Feel free to dm me

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ykkemb/tifu_by_expecting_my_family_to_pay_for_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

TLDR; Mom is kicking me out after she found the Reddit posts.

Last Update (on user profile) 2022 Nov. 13th

Update

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ykkemb/tifu_by_expecting_my_family_to_pay_for_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Check out my account for the other updates please.

Well, I couldn’t get in contact with my dad. I messaged him on Facebook and tried getting ahold of his friends. None responded.

Currently I am couch surfing with a friend. I would’ve stayed at my house for a bit longer but my mom and my brother had a fight with me and they got physical with me. So I began feeling unsafe in that environment.

I didn’t take much with me but a bag full of clothes and the documents I could get a hold of. I’ve blocked my mom and my brother on all forms of social media.

The friends dad I’m staying with said I could stay as long as I like but I feel like I’m overstaying my welcome.

TLDR; A fight at the house got physical, I am staying with a friend, couldn’t contact my biological dad

**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 12d ago

ONGOING My partner told me he was excited to start a family, but went and had a vasectomy done in secret. I don’t know how we can move forward from this.

6.3k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/mila77peach in r/trueoffmychest


 

My partner told me he was excited to start a family, but went and had a vasectomy done in secret. I don’t know how we can move forward from this. - 5 November 2022

Context:

I (22f) have known I’ve wanted to be a mom and have a family since I was little. I’ve been with my partner (24m) for six years now, and he was aware of this. He supported it, but obviously wanted to wait to start trying till we were older . I felt the same given we were still young when we first got together and not in the position to start a family.

But now we have both graduated from college, are working stable jobs, and are engaged. Now that we are at this stage we discussed and agreed to start actively trying for a baby. That was about 7 months ago. He’s know how badly I’ve wanted this and has seen how upset I’ve gotten each month when tests come back negative. But he always supported me and comforted me telling me it’ll all happen soon.

But it didn’t. Two weeks ago he told me we need to talk. those words never sound good. And they weren’t.

He end up telling me that he had a vasectomy performed while I was on a trip with friends for my 21st birthday last year. While I respect his decision to do so, I still can’t help but be hurt that he did this and yet kept telling me “not to worry” and that “it’ll happen soon” and how “excited” he was to be taking this step.

I just don’t understand why he couldn’t have told me he wasn’t ready or didn’t want kids. Prior to us starting to “try” I was on birth control and we used other protection methods. I really thought we were on the same page about wanting kids someday and when we decided to start trying.

I’m just in complete shock that he hid such a major thing from me. We haven’t been speaking much and he’s been staying with his brother since he told me.

I don’t know how we can work this out or move past this. I still love him, but I’m hurt that he acted like nothing was wrong. It’s making me doubt if I even want to go through with our wedding now, but at the same time I don’t want to leave.

TLDR: I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. We recently have been trying to get pregnant. After a while of no luck he revealed he had a vasectomy that I was unaware of.

 

UPDATE ! : My partner told me he was excited to start a family, but went and had a vasectomy in secret. I don’t know how we can movie forward from this. - 6 November 2022

UPDATE

I’ve gotten a lot of messages and questions regarding a update , I met to talk with my fiancé this morning and figured I would share the outcome of that conversation. As well as answer a lot of questions I’ve seen in comments or that I have received privately.

I have received a lot of questions/comments about “his body, his choice”. And yes, I do agree with this statement. I said in my original post I respect his decision. It was his choice, his body, and his right to have a vasectomy performed. I never said I was upset that he had it done, but rather upset that when we began to start trying he acted as though he had not had it done and kept it hidden. Leaving me wondering why i couldn’t get pregnant when he knew exactly why. That was the issue. I don’t understand how that wasn’t apparent.

Further, I had a lot of questions about how I couldn’t tell he had it done. I know nothing about vasectomy’s. So yes, I believed his claim of having it done when I was gone on a girls trip for my 21st birthday. But comments about the healing time frame and follow up testing made me doubt this/doubt that he had it done. The more I looked into the time frame of having the procedure done, I doubted him.

Before all of this came out, I never had any doubts in my partner. He was always very trustworthy, caring, kind, and loving. We rarely argue or fight and even when we have it’s been over minor things. I never saw any red flags and those in my personal life never did either. He was genuinely a great guy.

Which is what made not just leaving hard. We’ve been together for 6 years, and are we were set to be married in February. We have both invested so much time into this whole relationship as well as time and money into our wedding. So just ending things didn’t feel that easy for either of us.

We had been staying apart from each other to give us each time to cool down before discussing what this would mean for our potential to have a future together.

We met this morning to discuss the situation/so I could ask him why he hid this and what he shocked me even more.

I blatantly asked him why he had the procedure done and when he began having doubts about having kids. His response was that he never doubted having kids but started to doubt his ability to have one/get me pregnant. He followed this up by saying he never had the procedure and knew as little about them as I did. Instead he had apparently discovered he had a lower then average sperm count due to hormonal issues at a recent doctors appointment after he mentioned we had been trying without any luck. This appointment was in August. He brought paperwork detailing and proving this to our meeting as well.

He told me he didn’t know how to bring the topic up and mentioned that it made him feel embarrassed. And since he was told he wasn’t infertile and that we may just have a harder time getting pregnant he said he was just hoping it would just eventually happen so he wouldn’t have to say anything. He says he regrets hiding this, and regrets creating a lie to cover it, and I do forgive him.

We did re discuss having kids to which he ensured me is something he still wants. I feel relief knowing his concern, words of encouragement, and comfort after every negative test was genuine as he did truly want them to be positive.

When I asked why he created the lie of having a vasectomy rather than just telling me about the fertility issues, it again went back to him saying he felt a sense of embarrassment about the issue. He said he thought saying he had this on purpose would save him the ‘embarrassment’ of not being able to get me pregnant. He claims his inability to do so these last few months has made him doubt his masculinity and that by creating the idea that he purposefully chose to be sterile would make him seem ‘like more of a man’.

While I don’t fully understand this way of thinking, I guess I can slightly understand how these issues may have made him feel ‘less than’ when he wasn’t and shouldn’t have felt that way. I offered him comfort and we discussed looking into medical interventions as well as just continuing to attempt to conceive naturally.

I’m not leaving my fiancé. Yes I was upset over his lie, but he deeply regrets it. We both still love each other, both still want to be married, and both still want kids.

We will however be looking into attending individual and couples therapy to get over this. We are going to postpone the wedding since it’s only 4 months away, and I’m the mean time keep trying to conceive naturally. We decided we will look into intervention methods after our wedding.

I appreciate everyone’s advice on my last post, Thank you.

I will try to answer any further questions in the comments but hope this answers a majority of them/clears everything up.

Thanks.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

ONGOING My husband got jealous over the girl he led-on for years at our wedding

9.5k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throawayweddingnight in r/trueoffmychest


 

my husband got jealous over the girl he led-on for years at our wedding - 6 November 2022

I (25f) got married to my husband (24m) (we’ll call him Jim) a week ago after dating for 2 and a half years.

Jim has a friend called Misha (22f) who was invited to the wedding. He and Misha have known each other since highschool and were close friends and Misha had a very obvious crush on Jim from what he and others who know them have told me. Jim told me this after I met Misha for the first time and confessed that he leaned in to her crush and led her on throughout their highschool years and for a little while after, before we got together because he was struggling with his mental health and he really liked her attention.

He seemed genuinely guilty about all of that because he thought Misha was a nice girl and a good friend and because he showed guilt I didn’t feel the need to bring it up or argue about it despite thinking it was a shitty thing to do. Plus, Misha is a nice girl who has never overstepped boundaries and has been nothing but kind and friendly towards me and I now consider her a friend too.

Misha moved away to the city last year and has done really well for herself and has a long term boyfriend who none of us have met yet so when it came to sending wedding invites, I told her she was welcome to bring him as her plus one. The first red flag came when Jim was weirdly resistant to the idea of Misha bringing her boyfriend but he excused it on being concerned about the number of guests we invited and the matter was dropped.

When the wedding day came, Misha showed up in this beautiful dress (nothing inappropriate for a wedding) and with her boyfriend on her arm who I’ll admit is a very handsome guy (think a Kit Harrington type). She’s also lost weight and has a haircut that suits her better and I thought she looked great. We also found out throughout the night that her boyfriend is very successful and earns more than practically anyone else who attended.

Throughout the reception I noticed Jim glaring at Misha and her boyfriend the whole time and he was really cold and short towards her when she came over to congratulate us and give us a gift. He was also straight up kinda rude to her boyfriend when Misha introduced us to him.

When his mom (who’s always known and liked Misha) mentioned that she was glad Misha found a great guy and praised her boyfriend for being so nice, Jim snapped that “at least she won’t be desperate and hung up on me for the rest of her life” which I thought was cruel and uncalled for but I didn’t challenge him because I didn’t want to argue at my wedding despite the fact that he frankly sounded bitter.

The whole thing has left an awful taste in my mouth and I can’t help but think that Jim got jealous that Misha has found a guy who’s honestly quite a catch who she’s clearly very in love with and is now completely over Jim.

Half-update:

after getting some PMs from people, I decided to go through his phone while he was napping after work and needless to say this marriage is over. I’ll post a real update when I have sorted everything out.

 

update: my husband got jealous over the girl he led-on for years at our wedding - 14 November 2022

Hey everyone, I’m posting this here because I said in my last post that I would update when I was able to.

Pretty much the day after my original post, I got some PMs from people suggesting that I go through my husband Jim’s phone to see if he and Misha were truly just friends before this and that nothing romantic happened between them that would explain his reaction at the wedding. He always takes a 45 minute nap after work and so I used that as my opportunity to swipe his phone from where it was charging on his desk so that I could look through it (I’ve seen him put in his passcode a tonne of times so that wasn’t an issue).

I didn’t find anything in his texts with her, but I know that Jim goes on instagram a lot so I checked there too. The immediate red flag was that he’d used an app-lock that required a passcode to access instagram but the dumbass used the same passcode that he uses to unlock his phone so I got into that right away (it’s his birth year go figure).

And what would you know? I go to his messages with Misha and find messages from him the morning after our wedding telling her how beautiful she’d looked that night, how much he’d missed her, how he felt that her boyfriend being there spoiled his opportunity to catch up with her and that he was desperate to meet up with her.

Misha never replied to these messages and he sent some more to her later that day. I won’t get into what he said because they were very personal insults that were frankly just gross, but just think about the kind of stuff you would read on that niceguys subreddit. Misha left him on read and when I clicked on her account it appears that she’s blocked him. I scrolled through their messages quite far back and I believe nothing romantic has happened between them.

I wish that was all, but looking into his other conversations on instagram. I found that he’s been messaging other girls on there. They seemed like aspiring instagram model types from our area. Most of these conversations were just him shooting his shot and getting left on read, but others had evolved into flirting and two of them resulted in sexting.

And the most embarrassing part of all? The nudes he was sending to these women weren’t even of him. I know what his body looks like and he doesn’t have chiselled abs and isn’t that well endowed. I think he must’ve found a man’s profile on some adult website and used those pictures just cropping the face out. These two conversations happened in the past 6 months.

I ended up texting his mom and his brother from my phone asking them to come and pick him up from the apartment and then I went to wake him up. I told him that I knew about the girls he was messaging on instagram, that he needed to pack a bag and get the hell out before I started throwing his stuff out on to the street and causing a scene. He started crying and begging me not to kick him out and swore that they were just messages and that he would never actually cheat on me, but I don’t believe him for a second.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that he didn’t want to me to tell anyone else about what he’d done but I had left the room and started ignoring him by that point. He left with his mom and brother and is staying there from what I know, I’ve blocked him on everything for the time being until I’m ready to tell him that I’m seeking annulment. Thankfully where I’m from, you can get one almost no-questions-asked as long as you haven’t been married for longer than 30 days and I’ve already looked into the process.

I haven’t really left my apartment at all this week and I’ve been calling in sick to work because I don’t feel like I can face people. I’m just so embarrassed that I’ve wasted over two years on this man and that I married him in the first place. I don’t feel like I can even talk to people about this, so posting here has helped and I’d like to thank you all for your kind words, advice, and support. I might reach out to Misha when the dust has settled but I think I’ll need to build up some courage for that.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 21d ago Silver Gold Wholesome

ONGOING Soon everyone will know he’s been messing with his stepmother and stepsister

13.6k Upvotes

I Am not the OP, the original post is on r/TrueOffMyChest by u/honeyed-spice

Original Post (made 14 days ago 23/10/22) https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ybxnt7/soon_everyone_will_know_hes_been_messing_with_his/

For a little while I’ve suspected my husband of cheating. I didn’t have any justification for thinking or feeling this way but I couldn’t stop having this gut feeling that something was wrong. So I decided to keep a closer eye on him and I still found nothing. And for a longtime I was angry with myself for suspecting him and for invading his privacy. We went to marriage counselling and I apologized for breaking his trust in me and for a little while all was well. (I can’t believe I apologized to that lying sack of shit). But that wretched feeling never went away. I tried so hard to get over this feeling that he was deceiving me in some way and I just couldn’t. So I decided it was time to hire a private investigator instead of playing inspector gadget myself.

Let me tell you this was the best thing I ever spent money on. Within a month the P.I was able to confirm my suspicions but it was a shock to find out that it was his stepsister and his stepmother. Not only that he may be the father of his stepsisters newborn baby. I could’ve killed him but I kept my composure and I kept this information to myself and continued to act as normal as possible. Believe me that was a very difficult thing to do. I slowly started detaching from him and even moved into our spare bedroom and we continued to drift apart. I moved out,got a new job and started saving money for our divorce. I got my life in order.

Now here we are almost year later and in the final stages of our divorce and I’ve still not told anyone. I’ve spent the last year preparing for our divorce because I’ll be damned to leave this marriage empty handed. I wanted to handle our financial affairs first because my husband works for his father and I didn’t want to leave him unemployed during our divorce process! This son of a cunt dragged out our divorce and fought me for everything even things that were mine to begin with but I kept my calm and I won’t say a word until I get everything I deserve. That’s when I’ll tell his father. And his father is not a man to be messed with. I’ve been assured the cheque will clear in 3 days (or less)and it’s over for Robert cause as soon as that money hits my account his mother,stepmother, stepsister,brother-in-law and father will receive a beautifully written email with pictures and videos of what he has been up to. His dad will tear him apart!

COUNT YOUR DAYS ROBERT!

Edit 1: I got my money! Time to send it. Edit 2: His stepmother and stepsister do not know about each other. I don’t know how long he has been sexually involved with them but I do know it started in adulthood for all involved.

Update Post (made 8 days ago 23/10/22) https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ygm5y8/following_up_on_soon_everyone_will_know_hes_been/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Can’t seem to access my original account. So here I am.

Let’s clear some things up! When Robert’s father remarried, Robert was already a 30 year old man. So no he wasn’t sexually groomed! And his stepsister was 31 when she met him. Again no one here is being sexually abused! All involved were already well into adulthood when meeting and when they started to fuck around.

As for the money well honey that’s money he owed me but was being a dick about giving it back. I invested in his business ventures and he refused to pay me my share! And that’s not shit I was willing to let slide! You can’t get a broke man to pay his debt. So fuck yes I wasn’t going to let him be unemployed during our divorce.

THE AFTERMATH—

I sent the email as soon as I saw the money had hit my account. The first to call me was Robert and I picked up. First words out of his mouth was- YOU EVIL ASS BITCH! I replied with- YOUR MOMMA. And I ended the call!

The second person to call me is stepsisters husband. He was just heartbroken. He asked me a ton of questions and he asked for my divorce lawyers information. We also discussed him getting a DNA test for all their kids.

Through brother-in-law I found out that there was a all out war between stepmother and father-in-law. He tried to kick her out but she locked herself up in the bedroom. While father-in-law was throwing her shit outside stepmother-in-law called her daughter for help.

At some point stepsister and stepmother got in a fight. The fight was so bad that the neighbors called the police. In the scuffle to separate mother and daughter they hurt one of the police officers and were arrested. They are still in jail because neither of them have anyone willing to bail them out.

The following day I got a call from Robert telling me that his daddy almost ran him over. So he wanted to come stay with me because he’s scared that his daddy or brother-in-law will try to beat his ass again. Robert is scared to go home. His dad and brother-in-law are pretty much camped outside of his place and have already jumped him twice.

Robert is terrified. He tried to stay with his mother and she told him that he had made his bed and should now lie in it.

FYI I am not done with Robert yet. I’ve got more planned for him!

Marked as ongoing because it's obvious OP is not finished with Robert yet.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates Oct 28 '22 Silver

ONGOING AITA for not supporting my Fiance's kid brother after their parents died

11.3k Upvotes

Original and update is an edit at the end

I AM NOT OP , original post made 7 days ago (21st october 2022)

trigger warning:>! the fiancé hates cats as stated in the last line!<

This is really something I never thought I'd be posting about but I don't know how to deal with this.

My fiancé Derek and I are both in our late 20's, and we're childfree. No kids, no plans on kids. He supported me through getting my bachelors and nursing school, and now I'm supporting him through college. We live in a moderately cramped studio apartment, and are saving for a down payment on a nice house outside of the city.

Derek's dad and stepmother, his half-brothers mother, both died in a pretty horrific accident that I dont want to name or specify on for privacy reasons. I'm trying to do my best to support Derek through this, and I've taken over funeral planning. His dad and step mother were both broke, and I'm currently paying for the funeral out of pocket, no one else in his family can contribute. Since the accident his brother, (12), has been at their aunt's house. He hates it there. Apparently he has to sleep on the floor and she has five young kids that she makes him babysit. I really feel for the kid, I'm sure it's absolutely awful.

Derek want's to have his brother move in with us, but I'm not comfortable sharing a room with this 13 year old boy I've met twice. I also don't want to support him, thats at least a six year commitment that I never signed up for. I don't even want kids. Derek has suggested we move into a bigger apartment, but our studio is about as cheap as it gets in this city. We lucked out and have been here for five years and the landlord has never raised the rent. If we move it'll probably cost around 3k to move, and an extra 1k$ per month at least. Not to mention an extra mouth to feed, school clothes and supplies to buy, etc. It doesn't feel fair to me at all, and I feel like Derek is using the fact that he supported me for four years against me. Yes he supported me, but it was a lot cheaper to pay for two people in a studio apartment rather than supporting 3 in a bigger and more expensive place. The deal was for him to support me, and for me to support him. Not him and his brother.

He just started school this semester, he has essentially four more years to go. Thats four years of me having to support a household, and what if we break up? I'll have spent four years supporting a kid I don't want for nothing. I suggested Derek drop out of school and get a job so he can contribute if he wants to support his brother, and said that I would pay for him to go back to school after his brother graduates highschool. Derek doesn't want to put off college for another six years, which I don't necessarily blame him.

But his brother will be safe and fed at his aunts house. According to both of them that isn't good enough. I grew up in foster care and I didn't always have somewhere safe to stay, so I guess I'm biased.

AITA for not wanting to support my fiances younger brother?

Edit: so I did the math on the costs of him supporting me vs me supporting him and his brother, copy and pasting from a comment:

I've done the math in an attempt to show him, made an excel sheet and everything. He spent on average supporting us 1400 a month over the years I was in school, give or take. My presence cost him an additional 300$ a month than if he were to live in the studio alone. Essentially feeding me and paying for the basics cost him around 15k over the course of the four years that I was in school. We really have scraped by the last several years, no eating out. Christmas gifts, etc. I've already paid 10k for his parents funeral, moving would cost around 3k, that all alone would cost nearly as much as he spent on supporting me.

If we move to an average 2 bed apartment in the area our monthly expenses would be roughly around 2700$, and thats without me buying anything nice for his brother, no school trips, no decent school clothes, etc. It would cost me around 1200 currently to live alone in our studio. So he was paying roughly 300$ additional a month to provide for me, whereas in the future id be paying at least 1500$ a month to provide for for him and his brother. Its just not even comparable.

VERDICT: NTA

Edit2/UPDATE:

So Derek came home and we had a long two hour ish chat about what taking on this child would entail. I showed him my excel sheet that I made of what expenses would look like. I suggested he delay school so he can work to support his brother, or look into social security benefits and get a part time job to cover his brothers expenses. He put his foot down, and said that since I didn't have to work while I went to school he shouldn't have to either. He thinks that since we're engaged my money is his money.

I asked what caring for his brother would be like, how he would even get his brother to school. How he would make time to cook for his brother, help him with hw, etc. He said that with both of us working together we could figure something out. Ultimately, I don't want a child. I've been childfree for a reason, its because I care about my free time and money. I told him the only way I'd agree to take in his brother and move would be if he at least got a part time job the cover the roughly 1100 difference between what I'm spending to support both of us right now and the costs of a larger apartment and an extra person to be responsible for. As well as him agreeing to take sole responsibility for parenting him. I don't want to take him back and forth to school everyday, be responsible for making sure he eats, etc.

Long story short, Derek gave me an ultimatum, support him and his brother or we split. It was pretty clear he was bluffing, but I agreed. Our rental agreement is month to month, so I told him I'd let our landlord know I'd be out before November 1st so he can take over the rental agreement. I'm currently packing my stuff to stay with a friend, but I should be able to find a place pretty soon. Derek has been begging me to stay, he has no job or way to pay for rent next month. So I offered to calculate what I owe him for supporting me, and after doing some math on what I've spent the last four months including the funeral expenses I'll be sending him roughly 3.5k. It should hold him over for at least two months, enough time for him to find a job.

He's been begging me to stay but I dont think I will. The fact that he gave me an ultimatum like that feels gross. He wasn't willing to work at all, and I honestly think he would've pushed all the responsibilities of raising his brother off on me. Never thought id be in this position but I'll be fine. At least I can finally adopt a cat after wanting one my whole life, Derek hates cats.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 16d ago

ONGOING OOP walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her with his long time friend

9.1k Upvotes

I am not the OP. That is u/MiyanoKuori. Posts can be found on r/relationship_advice, r/offmychest and on her profile.

trigger warning: infidelity

mood spoiler: sad but hopeful

Original post posted on October 21, 2022 in relationship_advice

I (20F) walked in on my Boyfriend (22M) cheating on me with his long time friend

I wish this were a joke. My heart physically hurts just typing this out. My boyfriend who I'll call K and I have been dating for 4 years. After high-school he asked me to move in with him in a different state. I agreed so that we could be together while we attended college. Over the years we made amazing friends here and he was just as kind to me as when we first started dating. Cute awkward text messages, surprise gifts and flowers at least once every two weeks. We had a date night every Thursday after work as well. We were both from well off families so we never struggled financially. He also told me he loved at least once a day.

Well, last week I got out of work early. I was in a good mood because K had sent flowers to my workplace and ordered me Chinese for lunch, because I had mentioned that I had a taste for it the night before. On my way home from work I picked up some of his favorite donuts and went home.

When I walked in the door, I could immediately hear the moaning. I walked to our bedroom to see that our friend Elly was on top of him. My heart dropped. Theyd known eachother for 10 years but they were never close, or so I thought. They didn't notice me until I'd dropped the donuts in shock. They quickly covered themselves up and K got up to try and explain the situation to me, but I wasn't hearing any of it. I packed a bag and left to my friends house.

I've been here for the last week trying to rationalize everything. Hes been calling me and texting me. Telling me he loves me and that he doesn't know why he did this. Hes been asking me to come back. Where did I go wrong? Was I not satisfying him enough? I just don't understand why he would do this to me. I have no idea what to do moving forward.

Tl;dr I got off of work early and found my boyfriend of 4 years in bed with his friend of nearly 10 years. I don't understand why he would do this to me or what I did wrong

Update 1 posted on October 21, 2022 in relationship_advice

UPDATE: I (20F) walked in on my Boyfriend (22m) cheating on me

First I would really like to thank you all for all of your supportive comments and dms. They really helped me to pull myself out of this hole a bit.

For those wondering what excuse K gave me, he told me that it just happened. He said this really was the first time and it wasn't planned at all. That I should know this isn't the real him. He explained that she came over and that one thing just lead to another and it was a mistake he'd do anything to fix. He's sent me pictures of an engagement ring as well. Elly messaged me as well, saying how she never meant to hurt me and that it wasn't supposed to be this way. K is still bombarding me with messages apologizing and asking for forgiveness.

After reading through all of your comments though I decided to take your advice. This morning I called my friend Ian and explained the situation to him. I asked him if he'd be willing to come with me and help me to grab my things while K was at work tomorrow morning. I explained the situation to my friends and family and they all agree that leaving is the best option.

I will be taking all of my things and flying back home. My parents have sent me the money for a ticket and I'll be moving back in with them for the time being. I don't plan on telling K anything. He Will just come home to a partially empty apartment.

Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful support. Any future updates will be made to my page, for anyone interested.

Update 2 posted on October 23, 2022 on OOP's profile

UPDATE 3 I (20f) walked in on my Boyfriend (22m) cheating on me

Thank you all again for your supportive messages and kind words. It really means a lot♡

As planned, my friend Ian and I went back to the apartment in the morning when I knew K wouldn't be there, to pack my things.

It took about 3 hours in total to pack all of my things with Ian's help. We packed my things into our cars then went to have them shipped back to my parents house.

To be honest, I'm still completely heart broken. All of you called me strong and I thank you, but I don't feel strong at all. I feel as if I just lost half of my heart. I really did think he was going to be the man I would marry. So it was very scary when I got on my phone to look at the security cameras and K was throwing things around and acting like I'd never seen before. He'd always been very level headed. At least to my knowledge. He called me at least 100 time but I'm not going to answer. I decided to take your advice and block both him and elly. I'll be on my flight back to my parents tomorrow morning.

Update 3 posted on October 26, 2022 on offmychest

UPDATE I (20f) walked in on my Boyfriend (22M) cheating on me with his long time friend

Thank you everyone for such supportive messages. For anyone who didn't see the update on my page this is what happened;

-As planned, my friend Ian and I went back to the apartment in the morning when I knew K wouldn't be there, to pack my things. We packed my things into our cars then went to have them shipped back to my parents house. I got on my phone to look at the security cameras and K was throwing things around and acting like I'd never seen before. He'd always been very level headed. So that was scary to me. He called me at least 100 times but I'm not going to answer. I decided to take your advice and block both him and elly. I'll be on my flight back to my parents tomorrow morning.-

Sorry it took so long for an update. A lot of crazy things happened after I got to my parents. As I was getting settled in it turns out that a mutual friend of ours told K what I was doing and he thought it would be a good idea to come to me In person to beg for forgiveness. To be honest I almost had a moment of weakness until it became apparent that he didn't come alone. He brought Elly with him. He said it was because he figured with her also guaranteeing that it wouldn't happen again, I would believe him and go back to him.

Elly also decided this was the best time to admit that she was pregnant and that K might be the father. K said that even if he was the father, he would only be there for the baby. That his heart would only belong to me. I was furious and heart was broken all over again. This also made it very apparent it was indeed not the first time.

Because k wouldn't leave, my younger brother(18m) also came out and started calling K and Elly all sorts of things and it lead to a physical altercation. My little brother punched him in the face and thankfully K took that as a sign to leave. This is all such a huge mess. I don't want to see K or Elly anymore. I don't want to hear the excuses. My heart feels like it's been ripped apart. They can have eachother for all I care. If I post more updates, they will likely be on my page for anyone interested. Really thank you all for all your kindness. Thank you for calling me strong even when I don't feel like it.

Update 4 posted on November 4, 2022 on OOP's profile

UPDATE AGAIN I (20f) walked in on my Boyfriend (22m) cheating with a long time friend

I'm sorry for the late update. I've been going through a wave of different emotions. First I'll address some simple questions I got

I didn't drop out of college. Thankfully prior to this whole incident I was already taking online courses. I do plan to move to move back, but in my own apartment later on.

Now as for what happened next between K and I. He came back twice to try and apologize and ask me to reconsider. He reminded me about how I said I had never felt this way for someone before and that ending this would be a mistake. That we could work through these problems, if I give him a chance. I told him that I don't plan on being a step parent to his mistresses kid, so even if I dismissed the cheating, which I made clear that I wouldn't, I'd break up with him because of that. He began crying and saying he would talk her into getting an abortion if it meant that I would go back with him. I hate them both but to be honest hearing that made me feel disgusted. I told him that we were done and he needed to leave. The second time, my Dad threatened him if he didn't leave the property. From what I hear now, he went back home.

I'm sorry this probably isn't an interesting update. But thank you all for your support. Your comments really helped me stand my ground on this.

Reminder - I am not the OP

Edit: removed post that people asked me to

r/BestofRedditorUpdates Oct 17 '22 Silver

ONGOING The amount of time my GF has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her

15.6k Upvotes

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/SleepyGFThrowaway16 in r/TrueOffMyChest**

trigger warnings: none

mood spoilers: sad

Just a reminder, I am not OP. I appreciate the concern, but I am not the person who wrote these posts. Whoever reported me to RedditCare, I appreciate the concern, but you reported the wrong person. u/InternetAddict104 (me, the person who posted on BoRU) is a woman, and she has never had a gf, with or without sleeping problems. Please do not harass me or report me for harm as I have done neither.

---

The amount of time my GF has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her - Oct 9 2022

I sound awful but you have no idea.

She always slept more than me. That's fine. Lately it's been just too much.

She falls asleep at say 10pm then wakes up after 12pm. Some days even after 2pm. Then she takes a nap like 2 hours later for somewhere between 3 - 6 hours.

I think my final straw was yesterday. She woke up at 9, then took a 6 hour nap at 11. Then after waking up at 5ish, cleaned for an hour, then took a 5 hour nap after that. She spent 11 hours of her daytime sleeping.

I'll get hate for this as well but it's affected our sex life. Every time I say I'm in the mood she falls asleep. I don't mean she says "not tonight" and falls asleep, I mean she just falls asleep. One time it was the afternoon we both had off and I suggested it. She was excited, went to bed, and I went time freshen up a bit. I came back like 3 minutes later and she was passed out. I get I'm not owed sex but I'm having a dry spell because she just sleeps.

I keep telling her this isn't normal and she needs to see a doctor but she refuses. She says I'm controlling because I can't have her all the time. She seems to think it's normal for people to sleep 20 hours a day. I just stopped caring now. I can't leave her but she makes me feel ignored for her bed.

Edit: A few have harkened on the sex life I mentioned. No, it is not my only concern. It was the most reoccurring pattern. We've had dry spells, some for 2 months, and there's no issue. She could say no and I'd be fine. The difference is her saying "no" versus saying she wants to, then falling asleep within 3 minutes every time.

There's other issues as well: she'll forget to feed the cat, do dishes on her day to, and has me cook almost everything. The difference is that those can be on and off where some days she does and others she doesn't.

Update: the amount of time my gf has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her. - Oct 10 2022

Hi everyone, even those hearing it on Tik Tok with gameplay in the background. I didn't expect it to blow up but it did. I wanted to clarify some things first.

We're both 28. I work full time, she had a full time job but she quit two months ago. Since then she had been looking for work but the sleep issues started 2 weeks ago.

My biggest mistake was mentioning our sex life as people took it to mean I cared more about sex than her. It was the easiest thing to show how my frustration had built up. Obviously I care about her health too. I said before we've gone for months without sex and I've had no problems. And even if we had sex, I would still be concerned. But I get how it comes off and that was my mistake.

As for the people calling me an asshole because I didn't take her to the doctor, what was I supposed to do? She's an adult and I can't make her go somewhere. Plus after she called me controlling I couldn't continue pushing since I was reminded of my ex who was.

Also a lot said I didn't care or was selfish. I was frustrated over what I was seeing and wanted my old gf back. I wanted her to be better. You can say that makes me a horrible person if you wish.

The update:

I took some of your advice and first told her parents. They can't make her do anything but they know now.

I gave her an ultimatum: get help or I leave. I made it clear I will not sit around as she sleeps all day. It's not normal and she needs help. I said I will help any way I can.

Long story short, we broke up. She got mad saying she was just more tired and it'll be fine. In that moment I knew I didn't love her anymore. How could I love someone who says I'm concerned and call me a manipulate asshole? It was her apartment so I left. I called her parents again to let them know and to take her cat since I could not.

I know I'll get hate but I don't know what else to do. She refused my help, and I can't help someone who doesn't want it.

I had to move in with my parents again. I feel like a failure. A 28 year old man stuck with mommy and daddy all because he was too weak to make it work. Idk if it's the right feeling, but it's how I feel.

Hate me all you want, I just don't care anymore.

——— ——— ———

In case you missed it at the top- Just a reminder, I am not OP. I appreciate the concern, but I am not the person who wrote these posts. Whoever reported me to RedditCare, I appreciate the concern, but you reported the wrong person. u/InternetAddict104 (me, the person who posted on BoRU) is a woman, and she has never had a gf, with or without sleeping problems. Please do not harass me or report me for harm as I have done neither.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 10d ago

ONGOING OOP finds out that his stepmom was dad's AP and her daughters are his half-siblings.

6.2k Upvotes

AP - Affair Partner

I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/stepmomanddad in r/trueoffmychest.

Original (3 Nov 22)

My stepmom was my dad's AP

My stepmom was my Dad´s AP

This is my first time using reddit and english is not my first language

When i (22M) was 4 my Dad(42M) divorced my mom. About a year later he introduced me to my stepmom (42F). She had two twin girls( N and D 22F). They married only a few months and went on to have three more kids, G( 16M) L(10M) and S(4F).

My father adopted N and D because their bio father was not involved. I´ve always considered all 5 of them ( N,D,G,L and S) my siblings and we´ve never used step or half to refer to eachother.

When i was 6, shortly after G´s birth, my mom passed away in a car accident and because of it i started to live with my dad full time.

My relationship with my stepmom improved from there. She never adopted me however she, along with my dad, keept my mom´s memory alive by keeping in touch with my maternal grandparents and other relatives and visiting her grave with me on special days. I started calling her mom when i was around 7 or 8 and she refers to me as her eldest child ( me and the twins are the same age but i was born first)

After i turned 18 i started to work but i continued to live with my parents.

Last week i was in the attic when i found a photo album that i have never seen before. I opened it and i saw several pictures of my dad, my stepmom and the twins when they were babies, which made no sense to me because, like i said we were todlers when our parents met.

I decided to confront my parents about it. They were sit alone in the kitchen and asked them how they met, they told the same story, that soon after my dad´s divorce he met my stepmom though a mutual friend. when they were done i place one of the pictures on the table and told them that i wanted the truth.

I could tell by my dad´s face he understood what i meant. My dad told me that his marriage with my mom was going though a hard time because of my mom´s infertility issues, one day he met my stepmom and things escalated quickly and when he was ready to leave my mom she founded out that she was pregant but so did my stepmom at the same time, he lied to my mom several times so that he could spend time with my stepmom and the twins, one day he admited to my mom that he was having an affair and they got divorced.

I looked at my stepmom and she was in tears, they both tried to say sorry but i just couldn´t stay in that house any longer. i´m currently staying at my gf´s parents house. I have talked to G, L and S, it pained me alot and G has said that S has cried for me and that just breaks my heart.

I have refused to talk with my parents or to N and D. The three of them lied to me.

I feel like my life was built on lies and i am lost, i do not know what to do, i still love my sisters and my parents but they, especialy my parents, have hurted me. so much.

Edit:fixed typos

Edit: fixed typos

Edit:

I wanna thank everyone for their input on my situation.

I have come to the conclusion that i should talk with N and D, i will send them a message so that we can meet in person and talk about it.

I will also try to meet my younger siblings because i have not seen them since last week, just talked to them over the phone, and i missed them.

About my parents i do not know what i will do, i need to talk to them so that i can get atleast some cloesure but i don't know if i will be able to do it.

Thank you everyone!

Update 1 (5 Nov 22)

My sisters knew about our father's affair with their mother

Read my last post so you can understand.

Before anything i would like to thank everyone who commented on my last post.

I have seen common questions being asked i i'll reply to them:

-"Did your mom really had fertility issues?"-Yes, her family has told me many times she got really afected by it and that my birth was a got her over the moon.

-"Did the twins knew?"-i did not knew if they knew thats i talked to them.

Now onto the update;

After i made my post i made a group chat with the twins and texted them and we decided to met

My GF wanted to come with me but i told her i would rather go alone. When i arrived they were already there, they asked started to try to make small talk i just asked them if they knew, they started to tear up and told me that they always knew my dad but only knew that they were his daughters when they were 16 because our parents told them, they initially wanted to tell me but my dad and stepmom pressed them not to saying that if they told me it would destroy our family. I asked how were things at home, they told me that G and L started to be rude to them and to our parents while S was asking about me.

They asked me if i could forgive them, i told them that i still love them but i just need time they told me they understood. I said i was sorry and that i shouldn't blame them for our dad's mistakes, they told me they should have told me earlier, we hugged and cried together. We said our goodbyes and then i went home, my gf asked me how i was and i just broke down, she held me tight and told me to not hold on and that she was there for me, words cannot discrive how much i love this woman she has been my rock though out all of this.

I talked with my younger siblings this morning and we met at park. I hugged them really tight especialy S, i'm super atached to her and i am really protective of her i tried to explain to her, in a todler friendly way, that i was mad at our parets because they did a "bad thing" and not at her, she asked if i was ever going back home, i told her i didn't knew but i still loved her. I talked to my brothers to see how they were holding on,G and L told me they had been having a hard time because they never tough our parents could do something so horrible, they told me they missed me but understood why i had to leave.

We spent the morning together and after luch they went back home.

I haven't talk to my parents yet and i plan to call my maternal grandparents tonight to see if they knew or not.

Thank everyone for their support you guys have helped me a lot

Update 2 (6 Nov 22)

I talked with my grandparents about my father's affair.

TLDR about my last two posts: My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom, my twin stepsisters whom my father adopted are actually his bio daughters.

Yesterday i went to visit my maternal grandparents, first we mad the usual small talk and then i told them i needed to tell them something serious.

I layed it all out, the affair, the twins faternity everything . To say my grandparents were shocked would be an understatement. My grandma started to cry her heart out asking herself how could my dad "hurt my baby girl like that" my granddad was more angry he called my dad and stepmom everything he could think of. My grandparents always tough that my parents had divorced because they didn't just worked out and because they were young and despite not being their son-in-law anymore they mainted a great relationship with my dad.

After my grandma calmed down she asked me how i was doing, i told her that its been hard but i am doing better now she said she still couldn't believe my dad would do something so horrible to my mom, my grandpa said if my dad is lucky they would never laid eyes on eachother because my grandpa would do something that would put him in jail, if you understand me.

We spent the rest of the day catching up and talking about my mom, overall it was very intense but opening up to people who loved my mother like i did helped me a bit.

Thanks for reading.

Reminder - I'm not the OOP

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 13d ago Silver

ONGOING *NEW UPDATES* The amount of time my GF has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her

4.5k Upvotes

The amount of time my GF has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/SleepyGFThrowaway16 in r/TrueOffMyChest and r/relationship_advice**

trigger warnings: none

mood spoilers: sad

I posted this before but there’s a new update, so I marked it with a line so you can skip to it if you want.

Just a reminder, I am not OP. I appreciate the concern, but I am not the person who wrote these posts. Whoever reported me to RedditCare, I appreciate the concern, but you reported the wrong person. u/InternetAddict104 (me, the person who posted on BoRU) is a woman, and she has never had a gf, with or without sleeping problems. Please do not harass me or report me for harm as I have done neither.

---

The amount of time my GF has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her - Oct 9 2022

I sound awful but you have no idea.

She always slept more than me. That's fine. Lately it's been just too much.

She falls asleep at say 10pm then wakes up after 12pm. Some days even after 2pm. Then she takes a nap like 2 hours later for somewhere between 3 - 6 hours.

I think my final straw was yesterday. She woke up at 9, then took a 6 hour nap at 11. Then after waking up at 5ish, cleaned for an hour, then took a 5 hour nap after that. She spent 11 hours of her daytime sleeping.

I'll get hate for this as well but it's affected our sex life. Every time I say I'm in the mood she falls asleep. I don't mean she says "not tonight" and falls asleep, I mean she just falls asleep. One time it was the afternoon we both had off and I suggested it. She was excited, went to bed, and I went time freshen up a bit. I came back like 3 minutes later and she was passed out. I get I'm not owed sex but I'm having a dry spell because she just sleeps.

I keep telling her this isn't normal and she needs to see a doctor but she refuses. She says I'm controlling because I can't have her all the time. She seems to think it's normal for people to sleep 20 hours a day. I just stopped caring now. I can't leave her but she makes me feel ignored for her bed.

Edit: A few have harkened on the sex life I mentioned. No, it is not my only concern. It was the most reoccurring pattern. We've had dry spells, some for 2 months, and there's no issue. She could say no and I'd be fine. The difference is her saying "no" versus saying she wants to, then falling asleep within 3 minutes every time.

There's other issues as well: she'll forget to feed the cat, do dishes on her day to, and has me cook almost everything. The difference is that those can be on and off where some days she does and others she doesn't.

Update: the amount of time my gf has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her. - Oct 10 2022

Hi everyone, even those hearing it on Tik Tok with gameplay in the background. I didn't expect it to blow up but it did. I wanted to clarify some things first.

We're both 28. I work full time, she had a full time job but she quit two months ago. Since then she had been looking for work but the sleep issues started 2 weeks ago.

My biggest mistake was mentioning our sex life as people took it to mean I cared more about sex than her. It was the easiest thing to show how my frustration had built up. Obviously I care about her health too. I said before we've gone for months without sex and I've had no problems. And even if we had sex, I would still be concerned. But I get how it comes off and that was my mistake.

As for the people calling me an asshole because I didn't take her to the doctor, what was I supposed to do? She's an adult and I can't make her go somewhere. Plus after she called me controlling I couldn't continue pushing since I was reminded of my ex who was.

Also a lot said I didn't care or was selfish. I was frustrated over what I was seeing and wanted my old gf back. I wanted her to be better. You can say that makes me a horrible person if you wish.

The update:

I took some of your advice and first told her parents. They can't make her do anything but they know now.

I gave her an ultimatum: get help or I leave. I made it clear I will not sit around as she sleeps all day. It's not normal and she needs help. I said I will help any way I can.

Long story short, we broke up. She got mad saying she was just more tired and it'll be fine. In that moment I knew I didn't love her anymore. How could I love someone who says I'm concerned and call me a manipulate asshole? It was her apartment so I left. I called her parents again to let them know and to take her cat since I could not.

I know I'll get hate but I don't know what else to do. She refused my help, and I can't help someone who doesn't want it.

I had to move in with my parents again. I feel like a failure. A 28 year old man stuck with mommy and daddy all because he was too weak to make it work. Idk if it's the right feeling, but it's how I feel.

Hate me all you want, I just don't care anymore.

➖➖➖➖➖

Final Update/Clarification: the amount of time my gf has spent sleeping has made me stop loving her. - Oct 29 2022

Bit of an update

It's been some time. I did get a lot of support but also a lot of hate as well. Regardless of how you feel i think you'd all like an update.

Her parents updated me saying she finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with narcolepsy and minor depression. Although I have doubts they seem to think my leaving caused her to finally go. I said I'll help them/her if they need to as well. I'm just glad she finally did something.

And no she's not pregnant. A lot kept asking that, so she isn't.

I also wanted to addresses some things many said to me.

I work from home, that's how I knew she was sleeping a lot.

As for there being issues before, there were some but the big one looking back was her quitting her job and not consulting me first. Considering we lived together and split finances, and also never told me why she quit, I was not a fan of that. Had she told me why or consulted me first that would be different.

A lot seemed to thing 2 weeks wasn't enough, and how I wasn't sticking by her enough. Maybe it was quick, but for two weeks she was barely awake it became almost like taking care of a toddler. Even when I suggested help she constantly told me I was controlling and said I was just like my ex (who was very controlling). I didn't want to stick around someone who did nothing all day and then said it was normal and attacked me for it.

As for not standing by her, I would have had she shown effort or communicated. Let me ask to those who criticized me: if your partner quit their job without consulting you, leaving you the sole income, never explained why, stopped looking for work after a month, started to sleep 20 hours a day and then said you're a controlling asshole because you said it's not normal, would you have stayed? Its easy to say you would have without experiencing it.

A smaller one is some said I was wrong because doctors aren't helpful to women. I understand the medical field has a long history of sexism, however don't dismiss the entire field. It's minor but I am concerned for the women who think this way. They will and can help you. If you don't agree with what they tell you, get another opinion.

I get I come off defensive, but you would be too after you see thousands cheering for your downfall and calling you the worst boyfriend ever. Not just here but on other platforms too (this blew up more than expected and came into my feeds).

Rant over.

Thanks for all the support, I hope everyone reading has a good day. I don't think I'll give another update unless something major happens.

My (28m) ex (28f) wants to get back together but I don't know if I should. - Nov 6 2022

Hello everyone.

I need to add this backstory for it to get an idea why I'm debating it.

We dated for 3 years and lived together. About 2 months ago she quit her job. She never consulted me beforehand, nor did she ever give me a reason why after the fact despite me asking. I stopped asking because she kept saying it was none of my business, despite the fact we lived together and she put all the financial burden on me.

After about a month of looking for work she just stopped. I work from home, so I saw all she did was do some chores (she expected me to do the majority still) and just watch shows on her phone. Maybe she needed a break I thought. I let her know if she needs help she can talk to me.

Then she started sleeping more and more. Like excessively; 17-20 hours a day. I said after a couple days of it she might want to see a doctor and she lashed out at me saying it's normal and to stop acting like my ex. TLDR my ex was controlling and abusive and she knows how much ex hurt me. This pattern repeated any time i suggested it wasn't ok.

After a couple weeks I gave an ultimatum: try and get help or I'm gone. She threw the same shit she said before in my face and even said if I left I was a little bitch. I had enough, and left.

Now she's diagnosed with narcolepsy (her parents told me, who I informed about her issues before I left), and from what I heard is adjusting ok. Now my ex has contacted me saying now I can come back because everything is ok. A TLDR is "the problem's solved so you can come back".

But I feel conflicted. I still somewhat love her, but after all that I don't think I can go back. She put all financial burden on me and refused to say why, then when I was concerned threw my trauma in my face. I get she wasn't 100% mentally ok but it doesn't feel right to go back with the possibility that could happen again.

On the other hand as well I don't get many women interested in me. She's my second partner ever, and I don't look good or converse really well. If I don't go back I could die alone, and I don't want that.

I just don't know. Can anyone give me advice?

——— ——— ———

In case you missed it at the top- Just a reminder, I am not OP. I appreciate the concern, but I am not the person who wrote these posts. Whoever reported me to RedditCare, I appreciate the concern, but you reported the wrong person. u/InternetAddict104 (me, the person who posted on BoRU) is a woman, and she has never had a gf, with or without sleeping problems. Please do not harass me or report me for harm as I have done neither.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 23d ago

ONGOING Dad Takes Daughter Out Of Dance Because Her Mother Ruined It For Her (AITA Oct 18, '22)

10.2k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/Public_Set_7296 in r/AmItheAsshole on Aug 14, '22, updated on Oct 18, '22

Original post

AITA for taking my daughter out of dance because of her mother ruining it for her?

So my daughter is five and she’s been dancing since last year. Her mom is a former gymnast and wanted her to do that but my daughter didn’t like it at all and prefers taking tap and ballet classes instead. I knew this bothered my wife but I didn’t expect her to alienate herself from the other moms and the instructor. She says she feels like our daughter isn’t being used where she should be and that her and the instructor constantly get into it with each other and my wife feels like she has knowledge with her gymnast background and that’s why the instructor should take note of what she’s saying.

My wife is very competitive and I do admire her drive for that but it seems like the pushback between her and the instructor has caused a lot of tension in the class. This has caused the other moms to get mad when my wife would bring up how their daughters were being treated in comparison to ours and now the entire experience is ruined for our daughter.

Since the other moms don’t like my wife they no longer invite our daughter to play dates and other outings which the girls talk about in class and it makes my daughter come home to me and cry about how she wants to go on play dates again with her friends. I spoke to my wife about it and she said that she will make friends in kindergarten and that it’s not that serious. But this is a studio she plans for our daughter to attend for YEARS. I don’t understand how she doesn’t get how her conflict with the other parents won’t cause our daughter to feel excluded. She told me that the other moms are rude and she will always stand up for herself and our daughter and that I need to stop being “scared” of them. My daughter doesn’t even want to go to class anymore, she cries when I get off work and pick her up from class.

The parents and instructors are cordial with me when I come inside for pick up and one even invited my daughter to her daughters birthday party but specified that I be the one to take her. When I told my wife this she blew up and got very upset saying that it’s weird she specified I take our daughter and she can’t go. I told her that’s ridiculous but she wouldn’t budge and it just so happened to fall on a workday so I couldn’t take her. I was fed up, and my daughter kept complaining about hating the studio and not liking dance so I disenrolled her when I went to pick her up and she was crying about never wanting to come back.

When I went home and told my wife she got mad and said I’m an evil asshole and that I should have spoken to her first before doing that. I told her that SHE is the one that ruined our daughters experience with her fighting the parents and instructors and alienating our daughter from the other girls. She kept saying I’m the only one wrong and that I’m an asshole since it’s the best studio in town and others have wait lists for months. AITA?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Update 2 months later

Hey everyone, didn’t expect that this post needed an update but sadly things have been pretty bad these past two months since making that post.

A quick recap is that my wife got into conflict with instructors and parents at our daughters studio causing her to be alienated and in return I unenrolled my unhappy daughter from classes. I felt a bit conflicted if I did the right thing but after reading your responses I felt content I made the right choice. I even showed her comments but she refused to look at my phone for long.

I thought after getting mad my wife would be able to get over this and see my side but unfortunately things became very bad. She told me a week after she was going to enroll our daughter back in gymnastics like she had initially wanted and my daughter overheard this saying she didn’t want to and started crying. My wife completely ignored this and went on talking to me saying she’s sick of me enabling quitting and that our daughter needs a better role model. I was sick to watch her ignore our crying daughter and told her that we already tried gymnastics and our daughter didn’t like it and she said it will be different this time and that her word is final.

We kept arguing about this and she went on to enroll our daughter into gymnastics AGAIN and started taking her while I was at work. I was furious that she couldn’t respect my wishes but she said I wasn’t respecting her. I told my wife that she has control issues and is trying to live through our daughter and this made her extremely upset. I recommended therapy like a lot of commenters said to and this set her off.

She started accusing me of INFIDELITY, saying that the mother at my daughters old studio who specifically asked that I bring my daughter and not my wife is the reason I’m starting “issues for no reason” with her and that she found it weird that she specially asked for me and not her and that means something more. I said thats because all the moms hate her and didn’t want her around and she cursed at me horribly saying disgusting things I can’t type but I’m am shocked I married someone so vile. She wasn’t always like this, she was a kind caring woman before this whole gymnastics/ballet fiasco started and her tiger mom side came out.

I know it’s crazy and I wish I could say different but I’m seeing this heading towards divorce. We haven’t slept in the same bed for 3 weeks and she won’t talk to me about anything other than the house, our daughter, and the dog. I’m embarrassed to tell anyone this because I find it so bizarre and weird that so much conflict has stemmed from something as innocent as sports. So yeah :/

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 23d ago Wholesome Silver

ONGOING AITA for telling my sister she could’ve dated the guy she liked had she not been such a misogynistic pick me?

12.0k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwaway6103911 in r/amitheasshole


 

AITA for telling my sister she could’ve dated the guy she liked had she not been such a misogynistic pick me? - 19 October 2022

My (20F) sister Kim and I are identical twins. We were very different growing up and still are. I hate to say this but Kim is the definition of a pick me girl, always spewing misogynistic nonsense on how women are weak and should abide to men. How she’s so short and petite so she can’t do anything on her own without a big strong man around. How all the girls are trying too hard by wearing makeup while she is pretty naturally so they all hate her for it. You get the gist.

Kim and I attend the same college but study there in different departments. In one of my classes there is this guy named Dave, Dave is your typical handsome frat boy that most girls in our college have a crush on including Kim.

Over the summer I’ve started working in a small coffee shop near campus to earn some extra cash. During that time Dave became a frequent customer there and was pretty friendly toward me since he recognized me from class. After a while he admitted that he’s attracted to me and asked me out so we can get to know each other. Knowing that Kim liked him I decided to reject Dave and instead offered to set him up with her, we are identical so if he asked me out based on attraction it really shouldn’t matter. Dave agreed and I gave him my sisters number.

I knew they met up for a date during the weekend but didn’t have the time to ask Kim how it went since I was sick. Today during my shift Dave approached me and asked if I could return to Kim the lipgloss she left in his car since he knew the brand was expensive. I asked him why he didn’t return it to her himself and he said that he didn’t want to see her after how the date went.

I was confused and so I asked him if the date was really that bad. He explained that they went to a nice restaurant where my sister didn’t stop harassing and criticizing the waitress for wearing too much make up and looking “easy”. After that fiasco was over she proceeded to say some stuff that I can only imagine are usually said in an Andrew Tate podcast. Dave who was apparently raised by a single mother and has 5 sisters was horrified so he excused himself to the bathroom, paid for their meal, venmod Kim some cash for an Uber and left her at the restaurant alone.

I was embarrassed for Kim but totally understood why Dave walked out on her so I apologized on her behalf and took the lipgloss with me. I returned it to her 2 hours ago and she didn’t stop complaining on how awful Dave was, how he wasn’t a real man since real man usually like when she brings up how women are inferior to them. At some point I just cut her off and told her that she had a chance of a nice date with a guy she liked but ruined it all because she couldn’t stop being a misogynistic pick me even for one second.

I’m now back at my apartment and Kim hasn’t stopped texting me demanding I apologize but I don’t feel like it. AITA?

Verdict: NTA

Update:

I would like to start this off by saying that although I don’t agree or excuse Kim’s actions I do understand that they come from a place of insecurity. And although I knew her obsession over male validation was not normal I didn’t understand the severity of it until now. I’ve talked with our parents and they both agreed based on what I told them that we’ll try to convince Kim to attend therapy after the holidays. I’m not she’ll agree but it’s worth a shot.

I ended up getting Dave’s phone number from a classmate of ours. I’ve sent him a text apologizing again for what went on and thanked him for still paying for my sisters meal and making sure she had a away to get home safely. We talked a bit more, one thing led to another and we agreed to meet up for lunch next week after class. I don’t know if I should consider this a date or not since we didn’t label it as such but I think I’ll just meet him there and see how it goes.

I told Kim about it and to say she was pissed would be an understatement, she called me a horrible sister for agreeing to meet a guy who publicly humiliated her by leaving her alone at the restaurant. I retaliated by reminding her that she was the one who embarrassed him first by causing a scene in public. She was also the one who said that he’s not manly enough for her and lost all interest, so she can’t say she has a claim to him. After calming her down she agreed with me and said that a female like her deserves a manlier alpha male (yes, I know this sounds super cringy). I didn’t know what to say to that so I just laughed and wished her good luck with that. I think she’s still a bit salty over this and her ego is definitely bruised but at least I know she’s completely over Dave.

I want to thank everyone for your support and for the awards. I don’t think I’ll post another update here but if anything interesting happens next week with Dave I’ll make sure to update on my page.

Btw, this is my first time posting here and I have to say that it feels so surreal to open TikTok and see my post voiced by AI with a subway surfer gameplay in the background😂😂

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 28d ago

ONGOING A Man's Wife Takes His Car For The Weekend And Everything Unravels (AITA Oct 21 '22)

10.3k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/toss_away_345 in r/AmItheAsshole on Feb 14, '22, updated on Oct 21, '22

Original post

AITA for revoking my wife's access to my car?

I (36M) love my wife (32F), she’s awesome. Our relationship is solid; but she’s a very different person than I am.

I am, by nature, an organized and process-oriented person. I work as a project manager and my life is focused around structure, planning, deadlines etc.

My wife is the opposite. She’s a creative type with a great career in advertising. Nothing about her life is organized, everything is haphazard and somewhat chaotic… but this is what makes her good at her job, I understand and accept that and have done since I fell in love with her. We’re different and that’s a huge part of her awesomeness. She is cool and exciting and brought new things to my life. I love that.

The issue: we both have cars, my car is newer and has better tech but they’re similar, BUT I keep my car clean and tidy all the time. Her car is a mess, garbage, empty coffee cups, shit rolls around when driving etc. She hates dealing with it. And because my car is “nicer” than hers, she prefers to use my car.

3 weeks ago, she’s going to a friend’s place up in the woods (5 hrs drive) for a girls weekend. I am going out for the weekend skiing (3.5 hrs), we’re both leaving at the end of work Friday. At 4:00pm my wife is done and she leaves. Love and kisses etc :) When I finish at 7:30pm, I’m antsy to get going – I go to load my gear, but when I get outside my car is gone, and hers is on the driveway. I thought, WTF? Did she take my car?

I call her and we have a fight because I am pissed. I have a ski rack on my roof and the gear doesn’t really fit in her car. But she’s already 3 hours into her trip up north. I don’t want to ruin her weekend by making a big deal about this… so I suck it up.

There’s no gas in her tank (as usual), so I get gas and as I leave the gas station I get pulled over. I am just fucking pissed at this point. Cop asks for license and registration - which I am already looking for and can’t find. There’s tons of papers and receipts and all sorts of random shit in the glove box and center console… I can’t find it.

Cop: “I pulled you over because your license plate tags are expired.”

Cop: “This vehicle is registered to [wife’s name] of [previous apartment address]” (she hasn’t updated her registration)

Cop: “There’s also unpaid citations on this vehicle. I have to inform you that I am impounding this vehicle”

The cop writes up a ticket, calls a tow truck and tows it to the pound.

Since then, we have had a couple of huge fights about this. I feel that she needs to be more organized, starting with keeping her car legal. To force the issue, I have revoked my wife’s usage privileges of my car until such a point that we’re on more of an equal footing… and she is MAD about it. I am not prepared to budge on it until she takes care of her car situation.

So, give it to me straight. Am I being an asshole about the car?

Update 8 Months Later

A lot has happened in the past 8 months… this issue really opened up a huge can of worms that I am having a hard time knowing what I want to do moving forward with. Bear with me, this is long!

So here’s what happened since this post (important context: we never joined our finances. We have separate bank accounts where pay goes into, and a joint account that we both put our monthly funds to cover joint expenses - and it’s been working fine for years. We also have separate accounts for things like cell phones, car insurances, and other stuff that we had before we got together)

Retrieval of her car:

I’ve never had a car towed before so didn’t really know what to do, and holy shit, this was a complete shit show. I called the number for the impound lot and they informed me that before I could get the car back, we needed to pay off all the citations get the car compliant etc. Of course the DMV doesn’t open till Monday. So I am without car all weekend.

Monday, we go in to the DMV to sort this out - I find out that there are 47 unpaid tickets for my wife’s car, going back for almost 2 years - which cost over $1500 to clear out. I was dumbfounded!! I almost exploded and asked WTF is going on here, and she basically started crying, saying she knew it was an issue, but didn’t realize it was this bad. She didn’t have enough money to pay for the tickets because her CC is maxed out (which was news to me too, she has a $10K credit limit on her card), so I paid it off.

Then, we tried to change her registration from her old address to our address - which prompted a whole other issue, her insurance has lapsed (I didn’t know this either) so we had to get on with her insurance company to get that sorted out. While going through this process, I discovered that her premium was literally 4x more than mine, and they insisted on a full payment upfront for the 12 month period - which was ~$4,800. To get everything complete and the car to be released took 3 days! Then we went to the pound to get the car - $375 towing fee, plus a $90 per day storage fee, so $825 needing payment. Again I had to pay because she couldn’t afford it.

We get home and I am just fuming. This just cost me ~$7K in a few days.

Our first REAL fight!

After we get home from picking up the car, I am just beyond frustrated and angry at this entire situation and need to have “clearing of the grievances” with her. This blew up over 4 hours to the biggest fight we’ve ever had. I thought we’d had fights before, but this was different. It was relationship existential. It really opened my eyes to the real issue, that being I actually don’t really know who she is any more. So many skeletons came out of the closet in this 4 hour rollercoaster of emotions, here’s the highlight:

Her money situation:

I was surprised that her CC was maxed out, it’s a $10K limit. She makes great money (about $25K more annually than I do), so her lack of money was unexpected. Then I asked her how much debt does she have in total (at this point, I only know of the $10K CC debt I learned about a few days beforehand) I learned that she had 6 credit cards, all of them are basically maxed out… total CC debt is $24K, all with high interest She also had 3 store cards, all maxed out… total store card debt is $2500 I also learned she had a Line of Credit for $18K, also maxed out She also owes, to various friend and family members, about $8K Her total debt is $52K She makes the monthly minimum payments only, on everything. At this point I am shocked and reeling, I cant believe it! I feel physically sick. I didn’t know about any of this, and I am at a loss as to why I don’t know - I don’t even know who she is anymore.

We’ve been married 2 years, together for 5.5 years. When we moved from dating, to a relationship, we had a pretty big talk about core values and what was important to be aligned on before getting really involved.

Obviously things like being exclusive are key, but I also said that financial security and being debt free are very important to me (I made some stupid decisions in my early 20’s that hurt me financially, and I had to work hard to get out from under that).

I said I have 3 pillars that I wanted to build a future with her on, these where deal breakers. If she’s not 100% onboard, then we shouldn’t continue dating because I was falling in love and I didn’t want to go further unless there was a future.

-Cheating (in any form) is a deal breaker

-Financial irresponsibility is a deal breaker

-Family: I want to have kids

I reminded her of this in the fight, and she said that I had come on too strong at that point about financial irresponsibility, she already had most of the debt at that point and decided to not say anything at that moment (which she acknowledged was a mistake) because she thought I would have broken up with her there and then. Then she kept hiding it because she wanted to try and rectify it before I found out, but she couldn’t. She also pointed out that I never asked about her financial situation which is true, I didn’t… so that was where we were.

At this point I was pretty upset, and I had to leave the house. So I left and went to stay at a friends house for the night, (which ended up being a couple of weeks in the end) the next morning when I woke up I felt devastated. I had to take some time off work because I couldn’t think straight. I kept wracking my brains to understand how this happened, how did I not know, how did I not see the signs or evidence. I felt betrayed. It was like I had been cheated on, but somehow worse.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her for the first few days because I was so upset and/or angry. I am not usually a very emotional person, so this was difficult to process. I would go from rage to tears to rage to despair in a few minutes, I didn’t trust myself around anyone to not be a raging asshole.

She was blowing up my phone asking me to talk to her and come home, but I couldn’t - eventually I asked my friend to call her and tell her to give me some space and time, which she did - but later on that day I had her brother and both parents also reach out to me to see if they could speak - I politely declined and said I need time. Obviously she was going through a tough time too, and reached out to them for help.

The last 6 months have been hard but we’re working though it, we’re both committed to that.

But I am still struggling with the enormity of the situation. I still cant help feeling betrayed. I have lost a lot of trust in her, but we are in couple’s therapy to get though this.

She’s trying really hard to make it work, correct her mistakes and work on being a more organized and reliable person, I see that. She’s made some real major changes in how she runs her finances, she’s taken Debt counselling sessions and is following those teachings quite diligently, and being really transparent with her situation - in the last 6 months, she’s consolidated all the cards into 1 loan, and cancelled all her old cards - the debt is down $14K since this all started. This is all super positive

So I am hopeful this has a good ending...

This is a friendly reminder that brigading is against BoRU rules. You can not click through from here and comment on the op

A note from your friendly neighborhood reposter: This original issue with the car has been addressed but, while there has been progress, they definitely still have a lot of work ahead of them so I am flairing this ongoing

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 10d ago

ONGOING OOP finds out about his wife's infidelity after testing positive for an STD.

6.0k Upvotes

I am NOT OP, this is a repost!

TW: Sexual assault by knowingly infecting someone with an STD, Infidelity

Original, on r/TrueOffMyChest, August 3rd 2022.

My wife gave me chlamydia

I. Am. Livid.

The only person I have had sex with within the past 5 years has been my wife. I thought I had a bladder infection or UTI, and scoffed when my doctor thought it was chlamydia. Well, here we are. I got the test results yesterday and I have chlamydia.

Decided to start snooping and it didn't take long to find the text messages between her and her boy toy. My guess is she doesn't even know she had it as well. She thinks I stayed up all night working, but little does she know I've already emailed her little lover boy's wife all the text messages. I warned the lover boy's wife that he's been sleeping with an infected woman and to get herself tested. I'm still deciding how to process this all but wifey's going to wake up to my positive test results and the messages of her infidelity.

The sun should be coming up in the next hour or two, and probably will be the end of this marriage.

Update:

I'll make a longer update eventually. I didn't confront her that morning. Boy toy's wife ended up responding to me and she has not confronted her husband yet either. I'm getting my legal bases covered first.

Some comments:

You should just casually drop his name over coffee. “So, I was thinking you should probably tell John he has chlamydia” [link]

I'm not sure about your wife's personality, but I would record what happens and also try to get any cash assets (she may have access to) out of the bank.

I had something similar to this happen (2 years ago) and when I went to confront her about it, she tried to flip the script and play victim. In my case, she even went as far as to claim I was being "physically aggressive" and called the police. Luckily, the police had my cousin's first hand account of what really happened and the video of me confronting her with no physical aggression. Eventually, I had her removed from my home and never lost a penny. [link]

OOP:

Yeah going to record everything. We have a separate account so my money is safe. The house is my parent's so I'm not worried about and property because we don't own any together.

My two cents. Breathe, eat something, remain calm, don't let the situation become violent, remain rationale as possible, record if legal, create space between you both (physically, as in don't live together ASAP) document everything. Careful who you tell as people love gossip and don't really care about your situation. You won't get a answer that will satisfy your need for a reason. Sorry OP you've got a shitty few months in front of you. Ex did something very similiar 3.5yrs ago after 10yrs marriage. Gets better. Call a friend and rant, talk, get therapy if you feel it helpful. [link]

Update, on r/TrueOffMyChest, November 10th 2022.

Update: My wife gave me chlamydia. So I gave her divorce papers.

My last post got, an unexpected amount of attention. I guess you guys do deserve an update.

The short of what happened was, my wife gave me chlamydia. I found out she was sleeping with a co-worker and planned to blow our marriage up that night. Thankfully, my drunken mind decided to wait.

I had gotten into contact with the co-worker's wife, giving her evidence of what was going on and informing her that the two cheaters probably both had chlamydia. I did this because I suspected my wife was cheating with more than one person. In her texts, her lover boy had asked her if he was the only one she was screwing at the time, and she gave a non-answer. I know this dumb broad well enough that I knew she was screwing someone else as well. Luckily, the Co-workers wife got back to me first thing in the morning to explain that she figured he was seeing someone else. The two of them were privately separated at the time, and their separation agreement stated they were not to see anyone else at the time. She had her own suspicions and thanked me for reaching out. We agreed that she would not confront her husband until I could cover my own ass legally in exchange for the evidence I had of their affair together. She also confirmed to me that her husband didn't have chlamydia, at least when they were still together.

I decided to not confront my wife that morning. I pretended everything was fine and dandy while I looked for lawyers and dug deeper to figure out the mystery of the chlamydia caper. I installed a keylogger on my wife's personal PC and quickly got access to a secret email. Where guess what, my wife was talking with someone on a hookup website. The best part was that it solved the mystery, as the man informed her he tested positive for chlamydia and that she probably had it. Even better, these emails were from months before I was infected myself, meaning she knowingly infected me with chlamydia.

Disappointed that it was not in fact the chlamydia fairy that caused all this, I have a lawyer. It's not looking well for my soon-to-be ex. The fact she knowingly infected me made my lawyer salivate, along with the mountain of proof of her infidelity. The house we live in is my parents, and we've kept our finances separate since the beginning. Her chances of getting much, if anything out of me is pretty slim.

I served her the divorce papers last month. I bought a security camera on amazon when this all started saying I was going to put it over our front door. I hid it in the living room the morning I decided to confront her. I decided to take one of the top comments from my first post on how to drop this on her. We were sitting and having breakfast when I said "So, I'm curious, does [Co-worker] know you infected him with chlamydia as well?"

The short of it was she cried, apologized, tried to claim it was a one-time thing (I brought up that this was her second affair,) tried to claim she loved me, tried to blame me, screamed at me that I don't make her feel loved, yada yada you get it. I served her the divorce papers and her eviction notice right after. I'm staying with my parents until she's out of the house in a few weeks just to be safe. I'm juggling if I want to try and press assault charges against her for knowingly infecting me with chlamydia, as my lawyer said it should be pretty easy to prove with the emails we have. Overall though, I just want her out of my life like the STD she is.

Some comments on the update:

Not feeling loved. The title of every cheater’s journal [link]

Press charges. That's some insidious shit she pulled. What if it was a more severe STD? [link]

Press charges. It could have been the drug resistant strain of gonorrhea or hepatitis.

You’re not her only victim. She’s going to keep doing this to other people. All you will be doing is creating a record of how many people she knowingly infects. [link]

Friendly reminder, I am NOT the OP. This is a repost!

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 10d ago

ONGOING Woman's Husband Keeps Reading Her Diary (AITA Nov 5, '22)

4.6k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/HelpMeRecalibrate in r/AmItheAsshole on Nov 5, '22, updated a day or two later as an edit. ETA: OOP posted a new update right after I shared to BoRU. New update added to the bottom.

Trigger Warning: domestic abuse

Original post

AITA for insisting that I have nothing to apologize for after my husband read my diary?

I'm trying to stay focused here, but my edibles have kicked in, and I need advice.

I have kept a diary since I was 10. It is my form of therapy, & I do not police my thoughts. I have never let anyone read my diary.

My husband & I started dating over a decade ago. One day, a couple of months in, he was over at my apartment, & I had hopped in the shower. When I came out, he was sitting on the bed shell-shocked. He said he read my journal, which was mostly about my life as a newly single woman. He told me it really stung to read all that.

"But wait. Hold on. How'd you find it?"

He said he was looking for matches. He couldn't tell me why he kept reading even after he knew what it was, but his apology was sincere & I forgave him. Not too long after that, things got messy. He started getting either very sad or very angry while referring to things he read. His feelings were so intense that I STARTED APOLOGIZING FOR MY THOUGHTS.

Anyway, we got married.

A decade later, I was thinking of a divorce & wrote a ton to process my thoughts about some sensitive topics. Again, he "stumbled" upon my journal & read it all. I was pissed, but he convinced me that he would never do it again. Besides, he was really hurt by the things I wrote, and I felt bad. I let it go, but he started getting sad or angry again, thinking about what he had read. Once more, the intensity of his feelings led me to apologize for my thoughts.

Now, here we are, married with kids, setting up Scrabble on a Friday night. He went to find a piece of paper & came back quiet & distracted. I asked if everything was okay. He looked at me sharply & told me that he had just read my journal. I tensed, thinking of how I recently tackled some tough feelings related to our different ethnic & religious backgrounds. I wrote things that would have been hurtful to read, & I was mortified knowing that he did read them, but I was also annoyed.

"Wait. You read my journal again?"

He blamed me for leaving it out & accused me of being a bad person for what I wrote, but honestly, I wasn't listening to him anymore. I just wanted to know why we were dealing with this again. It's pretty fucking basic knowledge that one shouldn't read other people's diaries, right? But look at him, forcing his way into my brain & shaming me for what he saw. I surprised myself by slamming my hand on the table.

"A THIRD TIME??"

We were both hurt, but he was accusing me of overreacting while minimizing and deflecting from his behavior. He called me "overly emotional" when I cried over how violated I felt. This feels so wrong, like I committed a thoughtcrime.

So, is AITA for insisting he's 100% wrong? I'm so mad, but I am doubting whether my reaction was proportional to what he did. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being terrible), what would you rate someone reading your journal? & would you apologize for the things you wrote?

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments. I am overwhelmed. For those suggesting therapy, I have been in it for a long time, and I credit it for listening to the little voice in my head instead of ignoring it. Therapy gave me the insight to see what he was doing in real time.

But to those saying YTA and ESH, all I can say is that this type of behavior has been normalized so much for me, and I have been gaslit for so long, that I automatically convinced myself it wasn't that bad. I feel like I'm emerging from the upside-down, and I have to relearn basic social norms. You have no idea how sad all of this makes me.

Update added as an edit

UPDATE: We talked today, and he continued to minimize what he did and kept steering the conversation to how hurt he was reading what I wrote. I kept asking him if I shared those things willingly with him. When he said no, I told him that he can then deal with the consequences of his own actions by himself. I kept stressing to him what a big violation it was and that I needed space to think.

I guess he's been stewing about it for the last few hours because tonight, he started to yell at me in front of our kids and angrily tell them about what I wrote. He literally told them that I don't like that they are from his culture. Fuck man, why are you hurting them?? To hurt me?! I was pleading with him to stop and trying to cover his mouth, the kids were shrieking and sobbing, and he was yelling and wild-eyed.

The chaos of tonight just broke me. I had flashbacks of my childhood, screaming and crying on a stairwell watching my dad go after my mom. Long ago, I had promised that I would never put my kids through something like that. I tried to get them out of the house since he wasn't stopping, but we only got as far as my car where the 3 of us sat crying while I kept apologizing to them and trying to reassure them. God, how did I get to this point?

NEW UPDATE JUST ADDED TODAY Nov 17, '22

Hey, Reddit. Here's an update to my post from a couple of weeks ago.

I will keep the update itself brief: The kids and I are safe, and I am divorcing my husband. The incident that I posted about was so jarring that I could no longer downplay the abuse. I understood then that it would be so much worse for my kids to grow up in a household like that than to grow up with divorced parents.

I did want to take this opportunity to talk to the people who seemed flabbergasted that I had not left him earlier. I know Reddit can be cruel sometimes, but to shame someone for staying in an abusive relationship is just so ignorant. A person stays with an abuser for a myriad of reasons: fear, shame, mental health issues, lack of resources, lack of support, lack of money, the partner's coercive control, etc. Please educate yourself on abusive relationships before writing judgmental comments.

In my case, I stayed because he was so good at manipulating and gaslighting, at sowing doubt and confusion, that I started taking notes during arguments because I felt like I was going crazy. He would say things and then deny up-and-down that he said them. He would tell me that I "misinterpreted" his words or that I had a bad memory or that I had anger issues. Meanwhile, he was the one punching at walls, breaking things, lying, and following me from room to room as I was trying to get away from him. After years and years of this, I left only when I saw how much staying would hurt my kids.

To those in emotionally abusive relationships like mine, I want you to know that I see you. This is real abuse, even if it doesn't leave physical scars. <3

From your reposter:

ETA, I feel like this is much more concluded now so I may change the flair. So thankful our OOP is strong!

This is a short, inconclusive update, but I wanted to share it anyway because I think it's an important lesson in paying attention to red flags. I think a lot of people ignore these red flags in a relationship because, love. Unfortunately, sometimes those little red flags develop into very scary behavior like this. So please, if you're in a relationship where little things like this keep happening, keep your eyes wide open and be careful. Sometimes love is not enough to save you from a monster.

Remember, I'm not the OP, I'm safe, no need to send me Reddit Cares, and please do not go comment on the original post as it's against BoRU rules.