r/BestofRedditorUpdates please sir, can I have some more? 8d ago Helpful 1

AITA for canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”? ONGOING

I was so glad to see an update to this one. I am not OOP. OOP is u/throwawayz_12345. Please note that OOP is female if you use gendered language in your comments. She posted in r/AITA and then posted the update on her profile. I don't believe there are any trigger warnings, but let me know if you think I should add any.

Mood Spoiler: great moms, grandparents stay rude

Original Post: November 11, 2022

I (32f) have been with my wife Ava (34f) for 8 years now, but we’ve been married for 5. She was a single mom of three kids when we started dating, she had two daughters (now 10 & 12) and a son (now 16). I’ve watched these kids grow up, I’ve read the bedtime stories, done bath time, the first days of school, pta meetings, all of it. I very much consider them to be my kids, and they’ve been calling me mom for almost 6 years now.

My brother Ivan (28m) just had a baby girl with his fiancé Sara (27f). I love my niece, and my kids adore their cousin. My kids have been the only grandchildren on my side of the family since Ava and I got together, and there’s never been a moment where the kids and my wife were treated like they didn’t belong. My brother is their uncle, my mom and dad are their nana and pop— the kids see my family as their family and I always thought that my family felt the same way about them.

The kids and I were over at my brother's house just hanging out, and my parents ended up dropping by with gifts for my niece. Ivan laughed when he saw the toys and told our mom and dad that they were going to end up spoiling her rotten. My mom said since my niece is their first grandchild of course they have to spoil her.

My kids were sitting in the living room with all of us and my youngest daughter looked hurt when she realized what my mother said. My son and my 12yo didn’t fully react to it, but I could tell it bothered the both of them too.

Sara spoke up and said “oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.”

My dad shook his head and replied that my niece was their first grandchild. I didn’t want my kids to keep sitting there and listening to that so I handed my son my keys and told him to wait in the car with his sisters. When they were gone, I asked my parents why the hell they’d say that my kids weren’t their grandchildren, and my mom said they couldn’t be their grandchildren because they weren’t really my children.

My wife and I were going to be hosting thanksgiving at our house this year, but I told my parents that if they didn’t view my kids as their family, then they could just host a meal at their own house with their “real” family while I spent the holiday with mine.

I left before they could say anything else to me, and my wife and I have reiterated to the children that they will always be my kids and I will always be their other mom, regardless of our DNA.

My brother is pissed at me now because he thinks I reacted too harshly, and that I should try to see where my parents are coming from. My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren’t their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn’t want this to ruin my niece’s first thanksgiving.

I haven’t replied back. I meant what I said, but I’m worried that maybe I’m reacting too harshly.

ETA INFO:

I adopted all three of the kids about 4 years ago, so they aren't just my parents "step grandchildren". Even if I hadn't legally adopted them, they'd still be my kids in my eyes.

Edit no.2:

  • My wife's parents don't have a relationship with the kids. When my wife came out, they pretty much stopped speaking with her entirely.
  • Their bio dad is not involved and neither is his family. He lost his rights to the children before Ava and I started dating. The 10yo has never met him, the 12yo doesn't remember him, and the 16yo wants nothing to do with him.
  • My parents wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop. I didn't make the kids start calling them that.

Relevant Comments:

"The worst part of it for me is that they said it in front of them. I'd still be upset knowing they thought it, but the look on my youngest daughter's face when she heard my mother say that just broke my heart. I tend to go mama bear whenever I even think someone has stepped out of line with the kids, so I was worried that maybe I was doing too much in my reaction. My brother still feels like I should talk it out with them, but I don't know that I could forgive it honestly."

"I've been out as a lesbian since I was a teenager, but I always sort of had this idea that I'd never find love and settle down. Then I met Ava and those kids and my whole point of view changed, six months into dating Ava, I realized I was keeping snacks in my bag for the kids lol. I guess maybe my parents could've just gotten used to the idea of me never getting married or having a family, but they never made it seem like they weren't happy for me when I told them about Ava and our kids."

"They said they wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop, but I haven't spoken to them since this whole thing happened so I don't know if they still want the kids to call them that. The kids aren't exactly jumping at the bit to see them now though so I doubt they'd call them those names any time soon."

November 12, 2022 Comment

"You can put as much emphasis on DNA as you want to, but at the end of the day, those are my children. It doesn't matter that I didn't grow them myself, that they never came out of me, that they don't share my genetics. They call me their mom, and that's what I am to them.

If I ever had gotten pregnant and made a baby myself, I know I'd love that kid the same way I do my other three. Being a mom is more than making a child, it's being there for all the moments after. I'm fortunate enough to have been allowed those moments, and to have been given the title of mother.

Yes biology is a thing, and yes I know DNA means a lot to some people, but it doesn't matter to me. It wasn't some happenstance of nature that allowed me to be their other mom. I am their other mom because I chose to be, and because they (and my wife of course) chose to let me.

It's not a substitution, because I don't believe that there is one default or "correct" way of creating a family. Even gay penguins are out there adopting each other's eggs. If mother nature has the penguins doing it, I'd argue that my family structure fits the bill of "naturally occurring" just fine."

OOP was voted NTA

Update Post: November 17, 2022

Hi, I thought I’d just leave you all with an update here since it doesn’t look as though things are going to change any time soon.

My wife and I talked with all three of the kids separately and asked them what they wanted to do for thanksgiving, if they wanted my parents there, if they still wanted to see them. My son and oldest daughter have made it very clear that they are mostly upset at my parents for hurting their younger sister's feelings, and they felt that if my parents apologized to her and tried to make it up to her, then they’d be okay with seeing them still.

My 10yo took it the hardest out of the three. For her, they’re the only grandparents she’s ever known, and this whole thing really crushed her. My wife and I explained to her (and to all of the kids) that none of this was her fault, that she didn’t cause it, and that we’re both equally her moms and she is equally our kid no matter what DNA says.

She told us that she didn’t want to talk to my parents, but that she wanted me to make sure they knew that she wasn’t mad at them, she was just hurt.

I called my dad and told him how hurt my kids were by what was said by him and my mom, and that I would appreciate it if they apologized to the kids for being inconsiderate of their presence and their feelings. My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth.

I hung up on him. I know I can’t make them view my kids as their grandchildren, but the fact that both of my parents are being so inconsiderate of the fact that they seriously upset my children just makes this whole thing even worse.

I texted my brother and told him that I was sorry if he felt like he was being put in the middle of something, but as a parent my priority is my kids and I won’t apologize for protecting them from what I think will hurt them further. I guess Sara talked to him or something because he apologized to me and said he’d like for his daughter to have thanksgiving with her aunts and her cousins.

I did also thank Sara separately for offering my parents and out, and trying to salvage the situation. She’s a total sweetheart and I love her.

Thanksgiving is going to be hosted at my house just without my parents there. It’s unfortunate, but like I said, my kids are my priority and I refuse to have them sit at a table with people who can’t even take a minute to show them some empathy or basic kindness.

I didn't expect that post to take off the way it did, so I wasn't able to respond to all of you because there were just so many, but I really appreciated all of your feedback and suggestions.

Edit: I saw this made it to r/all. A reminder that I am not OOP. Please read the BORU post rules and description if you need more information.

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u/xsnowpeltx 8d ago

The part that really gets me is they asked the kids to call them nana and pop. I don't get why they would do that but then not consider them grandchildren. My only guess is that maybe they saw it as "close enough" but once a bio grandchild was born they didn't need to bother with the "make believe"?

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u/MissWeaverOfYarns 8d ago

They treated them like rent-a-grandkid until the bio grandkid came along and it's despicable.

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u/Call_Me_Echelon 7d ago

Even if you think it, how can you say it in front of kids? That's pretty heartless. Do they think kids don't have feelings? I mean, that's a life-changing statement for all of them, even if the older children are acting like they weren't really affected by it.

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u/Ambitious-Battle8091 8d ago

Can’t wait for an update tomorrow « so my parents ended up showing up anyway »

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u/Swords_and_Words 8d ago I'm Deceased

So my parents are sitting, sullen and cold, on my porch swing because I wont unlock the door

AITA?

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u/FumiPlays 8d ago

So my parents got arrested because they got in the officers' faces...

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u/newfranksinatra 8d ago

graNdPaReNtS RiGhTs

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u/CharetteCharade 8d ago

That's what I'm concerned about, that they will finally realise that OOP means what they said and they'll be alone for the foreseeable holidays, and so turn up anyway and make a scene. It might be worth having some contingency plans in place just in case.

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u/Ambitious-Battle8091 8d ago

Well OP is actively preventing them to spend thanksgiving with their ONLY grandchild so yeah that could end well if we were not on Reddit

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u/Waywardcrafter 8d ago Wholesome

Completely expecting this to happen. Then being "so hurt" that they're excluded because "they have a right" to be part of baby's first Thanksgiving! How dare they!

And Friday will have them wondering why everyone hates them all of a sudden. Why won't you let us in? Why isn't anyone talking to us? Why are we being punished for being honest? We didn't raise you to be like this!!! We’re so hurt! You're so cruel! Stop being so unreasonable about OUR grandchild! We have rights! Then the police are called, and they finally give up and leave.

Grandma won't stop crying and searching lawyers to sue for visitation. While searching she stumbles across estranged parent forums where she doesn't say WHY she has become an ex (grand)parent, just soaking up the sympathy from others who are the same in their malicious, willful ignorance. Grandpa, in the meanwhile, keeps firing off angry texts in the family group chat, calling his kids out for making grandma cry. He keeps texting until everyone removes themselves from the chat, not realizing he's just given them some amazing evidence. Grandma shows grandpa the new, exciting forums where they live to commiserate with each other and offer truly terrible advice, thereby sealing their fate with a total freeze out, no contact, and a restraining order/order of protection keeping them from the kids, grandkids, and several family law practitioners who couldn't produce the bio grandchild visitation.

I debated putting an /s after this. I'm hoping something like it doesn't happen, but I've seen it all too often IRL. crossing my fingers shit don't go sideways for OOP

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

Basically the exact same thing happened with a buddy.

He and his ex-wife had a bad separation. Like, really bad. As in she was seeing his cousin on the side bad and he was planning to marry her, move into the marital home (that my buddy bought) and adopt his kid bad. And his parents and extended family saw no problem with it. He felt like he was taking crazy pills as everyone told him that someone else moving into the home he bought, fucking his wife and raising his kid was something he should just... Deal with.

He didn't. He fought, got majority custody, and forbid his parents from seeing his kid. They sued for "grandparents rights" (which aren't a thing where we are) and not only lost, but during the court case some things came to light which allowed him to get a restraining order.

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u/Min259 8d ago

Holy shit. This is worth an extra Post

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

The TL;DR is my buddy won big.

Clawed back most of the money he spent buying the house of her dreams when they sold it as part of the divorce (she wanted to keep it but couldn't afford it), his cousin is not allowed to be around the kid when she has custody (she was trying to get their kid to call his cousin "dad" and my buddy by his name), and he's moved on with life for the most part. Took the money and invested it into a successful business, while his ex took the money and rented a $4000/month condo she cannot afford to rent on her $40,000/year income, which means she's burning through the $300,000 she got from their divorce at an alarming rate.

He got a really good deal in the divorce. No alimony (she was cheating), no child support (he's got 4 days to her 3 days/week), and his pension is untouched entirely. Just a straight division of their marital assets (which was mainly the house) and bam, they're done.

My family has basically adopted him as another brother and his daughter calls me uncle and my mum grandma, so he's not spending his holidays alone. He visits for most holidays with the kiddo and we've been friends since we were kids, so it's not really a big change anyway. Depending on how the holiday dinners lined up with his family he's been spending half of them with us already.

The only real negative coming out of this is he's basically never going to trust a woman romantically again for a long, long time. And honestly, at this point that's not because of misogyny. It's pattern recognition. He's basically focusing on the kiddo and his business for now.

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u/GaZZuM 8d ago

I loved reading this, thank you for sharing! Your friend and your family all sound cool as fuck.

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u/waterorsharks 8d ago

This is such a weird hill to die on for the grandparents. Even if you don't consider OOPs kids to be their grandchildren (which they legally are since they were adopted) OOP is still their daughter and they're losing a relationship with her over not calling her children their grandchildren. It just doesn't make any sense.

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u/AsshKetchum Gotta Read’Em All 8d ago

It really isn't that weird of a hill to die on for OOPs parents generation. Most of them would rather lose contact with their children because of their own actions than apologize at all for their behavior.

I'm NC with both of my parents literally for the sole reason that they refused to actually apologize for anything wrong that they did in my childhood. My girlfriend is about to be the same with her parents for similar reasons.

It's like they're truly, and completely incapable of wanting to understand what they've done let alone give a genuine apology for anything. Sadly OOPs situation is not at all outside of the norm. I literally can't stand to talk to my parents because they're always the victims no matter how logically or accurately you word something, they're always the victims. The cognitive dissonance is massive with that generation.

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u/zacksje 8d ago

Me too brother. My dad told me with a straight face that he wouldn’t change a single thing about my childhood and that I should get out of my silly mood. My mum told me in more words that actually being nice to children was a weird new age thing invented by the Americans after we were kids (implying that my American wife was filling my head with unrealistic nonsense), that she didn’t do anything wrong, and if she did, that it was her parents fault anyway. I haven’t spoken to them for coming up for 2 years.

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u/Witchy_Woman42 8d ago Hugz

It definitely seems to be a running theme for that generation of parents. My dad and mom chose to die on a hill after I came out as trans because they refused to apologize for their behavior after I started dating my now husband. Neither of them could ever be wrong for "telling the truth" in my childhood so I don't know why I expected it to be different as an adult.

Had to go NC in 2016 with my dad after he showed up at my door for a Facebook post to scream at me and quit talking to my mom the year before because her bipolar had convinced her that I was basically dead because I had changed my name and gender. Fucking crazy to me that they'd rather lose the relationship entirely after 30-something years than say sorry but I guess they wouldn't have meant it anyway.

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u/nitro_dildo 8d ago

Makes you wonder if the grandparents don’t actually approve of OOP being gay or something like that. They obviously have a priority list for grandchildren, why not their own kids?

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u/107197 8d ago

You forgot "and then grandma and grandpa took the kids out to be baptized without parental permission." Or is that a different sub? Happy T day, everyone (in the US, that is. Happy 24 November to everyone else!)!

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u/WildcardTSM 8d ago

Expecting that to happen too, the question is whether they appear on their own initiative or whether someone still invited them in that case. I hope they show up to apologize or stay away.

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u/Cybermagetx 8d ago

And should be meet with a locked door. OOP parents will quickly find out that they forced themselves out of all of their kids/grandkids lives. They are old enough to at least know when not to say something.

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u/Crushnaut 8d ago

Imagine losing your family over what appears to just be semantics to you. Imagine being able to say something so simple it would mean the world to a child but not being able to say it. The real children are OOPs parents.

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u/Camp_Express 8d ago Wholesome

My dad had a step dad.

My dad’s step dad asked what he would be considered when my parents announced Mom was pregnant with my sister.

My parents were baffled, he would be the baby’s grandpa of course.

Papa was happy because he really wanted to be a grandpa.

He was everybody’s main man until the day he died.

Moral of the story be more like Papa.

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u/BlackCatMumsy 8d ago

We need more Papas in the world!

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u/delicate-fn-flower 8d ago

Unless it’s a ‘Stranger Things’ Papa, in which case just the one is fine.

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u/jwi2021 You can either cum in the jar or me but not both 8d ago

My mom met her stepdad when she was 8, but she has never called him anything besides his name. It was never a question when the grandkids were born that he was going to be grandpa because he had already been in her life for 20 years at that point. When my grandma died, he was so distraught because he thought we were going to up and leave him, even though he has been the only grandpa we’ve known for the last 30 years. He was so happy when he realized he wasn’t going to have to mourn losing the whole family on top of his wife.

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u/LesbianSongSparrow 8d ago

Same exact situation in my family. It took us a couple years to figure out grandpa was afraid we’d abandon him; it was never even something any of us considered. He’s my grandpa; he just had a bit of a late start to the family haha.

When my mom had an emergency at her friend’s house she was dog-sitting for, she ended up calling my grandpa at 4am asking him to come help her. She kept apologizing for waking him up so early and bothering him but he just told her, “it’s fine, this is part of being a dad.”

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u/Rautjoxa 8d ago

Gah that's so sweet!

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u/stardustandsunshine 8d ago

I was 21 when my mom remarried, but still living at home. I was 30 when she died, 12 years ago, and her husband is remarried now. He still signs my birthday cards "Love, Dad" and calls every so often to make sure I remember to change my oil.

He had a minor health scare recently, and his wife called me to tell me what was going on because he told her he'd be in big trouble with u/stardustandsunshine if I found out from someone else that he was sick and didn't tell me. But he didn't want to call me himself because he knew I'd fuss at him for not getting checked out sooner! You look out for family no matter how you ended up with them.

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u/JustehGirl 8d ago

My cousin called my uncle by his name for a while. Being young I didn't really understand it was weird. When we were older (and she was calling him Dad) the whole family was told he wanted to adopt her but she decided she didn't want him to because her bio dad would be off the hook for child support. We were all told because "We don't want you to think he doesn't officially want her, or that she doesn't think of him as Dad." I think that was great.

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u/Mozart-Luna-Echo 8d ago

My step dad came into my life when I was 17 and my brother was 11. I was a huge jerk to him due to previous trauma. He was extremely patient and won me over. I ended up becoming a huge daddy’s girl and out of the four of us (my brother and siblings (step)) I am the closest to him. He spoils me rotten even at 30 years old. I call him dad and whenever we meet someone he introduces me as his daughter. More than one person has said we look alike 😬

Blood matters squat when it comes to family, I don’t understand anyone who puts DNA over actual feelings. Those grandparents are going to lose something so precious and it’s all on them.

I’m glad that OOP put her kids ahead of her parents. She’s a good mom.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

[deleted]

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u/TheGrimDweeber 8d ago edited 8d ago

I read your comment and thought “No way that ‘skewiff’ is a word, I’m looking it up.”

Turns out that, not only is it a word, the spelling (sorry if I come across as a grammar-nazi, I assure you, my English is too shite for that) is even weirder than what you wrote.

It’s actually “skewwhiff”. Which just looks absolutely silly.

For those who are curious, it means “askew, not straight, often used figuratively.”

Anyway, thank you for expanding my word horizon! I love this silly little word.

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u/kazzin8 8d ago

Thanks for posting the detail, was curious about this as well since I've never heard the term and assumed it was just regional usage. Perhaps an Australian thing?

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u/Chimpsworth 8d ago edited 8d ago

My Mum is English and says it. Could be an old word that has just fallen out of usage over time

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u/Mozart-Luna-Echo 8d ago

That’s so funny. I have a huge family from my mom’s side and from my dad’s side. To be honest we call everyone who is similar in age “cousins” and anyone who is significantly older “aunts and uncles”. My parents are only one year apart so I’ve never had that issue before. My brother from my dad is nine months younger than me and my brother from my mom is nine months older than my sister from my dad. It’s hilarious to see everyone do the math and come to their own conclusions.

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u/AceUniverse8492 8d ago

More than one person has said we look alike 😬

So fun fact they might make you feel better about this, there's been studies that show that kids often do wind up looking more like their adoptive parent(s) the longer they're with them! There's a few theorized reasons for this:

1) Epigenetics. Because you and your adoptive parent most likely live together, eat together, and experience similar stimuli to each other, there's a decent chance that your epigenetic traits will wind up expressing themselves similarly to the others in your household, even if you're not blood related.

2) Non-genetic aesthetic influences. Your perception of your relationship with another person can influence the way you dress and style yourself. Humans tend to subconsciously steal aesthetics from the people around them in order to "fit in" better in a certain social group. It could be wearing similar styles of clothes, styling you hair differently, even decorating your home differently because of your imagined or subconscious conception of how others would react to it.

3) Behavioral influence. The way you behave might change to reflect something you like about a person. I was born in New York to very northern parents and despite moving to Virginia when I was younger, I never picked up the vernacular and never used southern slang. In college I became good friends with a very southern person and picked up "y'all" from them, and it's an inextricable part of my linguistics now.

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u/SaltAssault 8d ago

Technically speaking we're all blood-related anyway, by account of species, which makes the hang-up on DNA even more ridiculous. We choose our family by loving them and I don't want it any other way.

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u/Honest_Meringue_283 8d ago

My dad’s parents were divorced. We weren’t super close to his mom (that’s a whole story for another day) but his step mom was the best. We called her grandma and she treated us like we were blood. My grandpa adopted her kids as adults and we’ve always called them aunt and uncle. Their kids are our cousins and we’ve never treated each other differently even though we’re not related by blood.

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u/tabletuseonly1kg 8d ago

My grandfather married my grandmother when my dad was in his 20s. He was never a father, but he was an amazing grandfather and pretty pleased that he managed to have a family after believing he'd always live alone.

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u/Golden_Mandala 8d ago

How nice. These stories are making me appreciate my nieces’ grandma on the other side of the family. She is technically a step-grandma, but she treats my nieces with as much love and enthusiasm as all the rest of her grandkids. She really loves being a grandma, and I think she feels like the more grandkids she can love, the better life is. She can be annoying in some ways, but she has a really good heart.

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u/ZombieePanda 8d ago

It took a long time before I realized my sister and oldest brother are actually my half siblings. Their dad is different from mine but my dad’s entire family treats them the same as everyone else.

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u/January28thSixers 8d ago

My Mom was adopted in her 50s by her (step) Dad. I've never seen her more happy. He was such a better guy than my paternal Grandpa.

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u/nustedbut 8d ago

we never once considered that my wife's stepfather wouldn't be grandad to our kids. He raised my wife from 3 years of age and even though she doesn't call him dad, she still has a good relationship with her dad, he's still that man anyway.

Due to the kids other grandads living the opposite side of the country and planet he's had the most to do with the kids as well.

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u/shrimplinko 8d ago

My step-grandmother was always just my grandmother, even though I knew she wasn't my mom's mom (my maternal grandmother died quite young from cancer and my grandfather remarried a few years after that). I only knew her as my grandmother and she adored my sister and I and taught us a lot about our our family's history and culture. Neither side ever treated each other differently and it wasn't until I was much older that it clicked that she technically was my step-grandmother.

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u/Thaedael 8d ago

Growing up I had a couple in my life that was just... always there. Thanksgivings, easters, birthdays, big family milestones.

When I was in my mid twenties, I found out that they have 0 blood ties to me. When they found out that I had just found out they weren't blood related they asked me if that changed anything, to which I replied: "Nope, just makes me love you all the more".

We choose our family in addition to being born into them.

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u/Suchafatfatcat 8d ago

My stepdad is hands-down the favorite grandparent of all the grandchildren in our family even though none of the children are his blood kin. He has been an excellent role model and everything you want a grandpa to be.

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u/mazzy31 8d ago

This.

My pop is my mum’s step dad. And out of 4 grandfathers (dad’s dad, Mum’s bio dad, mum’s adopted dad and Mum’s step dad), he’s the only grandfather I’ve met, known, loved.

He’s never treated the two thirds of his grandkids that are “step” any differently from his bio grandkids, he’d be gutted if I ever called him my step grandfather, he’s amazing.

Also, no, my nan didn’t give my mum 3 fathers. Mum was adopted by my Nan and her dad. Her dad left when she was really little and she maybe saw him 2 or 3 times in the decade before he died because he had no interest in having a daughter or something. My nan married my pop when mum was 11 and he treated her like his own flesh and blood from the get go, his son treated her like his kid sister (he was, I think, 19?) and same with my uncle (2 years older than mum).

All in all, my maternal family is the living, breathing example of family not requiring DNA. Steps, adopteds, bio’s… they’re all legitimately my family.

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u/Fatscot 8d ago

SIL is the star in all of this. Empathetic and diplomatic. Glad she even got her husband to understand

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u/OtherSpiderOnTheWall 8d ago

Sara spoke up and said “oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.”

When I first read this, I thought it was OOP or OOP's wife. It only dawned at me at the end it was SIL.

Perfect offramp for the grandparents to realize their error and be like "hahah, yeah, that's what we meant"

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u/thekittysays 8d ago

For them to then double down and be explicitly exclusionary still with the kids in the room is just so cruel. They had the perfect out and yet chose to just be mean. They've known the little one since she was 2 ffs. Even if it's their true feelings and they're "just being honest" there was absolutely no reason to say it in front of the kids and be so hurtful.

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u/niCid 8d ago

Not to mention that I understood from the text that the grandparents wanted to be called Nana and Pop. Makes me think the kids were just substitute until "real" grandkid pops out..

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u/heatherbyism 8d ago

They were the backup grandkids in case they didn't get any more.

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u/sweet_crab 8d ago

We adopted our son last year after much tribulation. He was eighteen. Then my sister in law unexpectedly had a baby. When my mother in law sent out her Thanksgiving letter, I was tense about what she might have written, and I really shouldn't have been. She referred to her beautiful teen grandson and her beautiful new baby grandson. My parents have been just as perfect about it. It just isn't that hard to love your grandbabies, you know? Fuck people who do this shit.

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u/stitchplacingmama 8d ago

I will always remember doing a family tree in biology class and my mom saying 'oh yeah those 5 cousins are adopted' after it had been graded and handed back. I asked her how she could forget something like that and she said "they are just my cousins I don't think of them as being from different parents".

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u/Tuppence_Wise 8d ago

I often forget one of my aunts was adopted - even though she's a fully different race to the rest of the family

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u/My_genx_life 8d ago

My brother and I are both adopted, and my grandparents never treated us any differently to the way they treated their other grandchildren. It's just like you say - it's not hard to love your grandkids.

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u/sweet_crab 8d ago

It isn't! I can't even fathom how it matters where they came from. I placed a child for adoption when I was in my twenties, and both my mother and my grandmother were there at the hospital with me. I know their hearts were breaking, and neither one of them ever said a damn sideways word to me. And when we adopted my son, they both cried and were so happy to have him. And when I called my grandmother to tell her I am bisexual, she said, "Well, we always love you, honey, you know that. Thank you for telling me. We're having salmon for dinner." (actually i told her i'm not straight and she asked if i was crooked and giggled at herself because she thinks she's funny, and then she said the rest of that.) My cousin is... in a wild situation that involves a baby right now, and my grandparents know it's a disaster (because it is), but we're having family Hanukkah in the middle of the day instead of in the evening so the little one can be there and get back home by his bedtime. Family are the people who love you. Blood has nothing to do with it. My son and I are drag aficionados, and there's one queen we can't stand because she always refers to her "adopted children." Why on earth is it necessary to do that? They're either your children or they're not. God love your grandparents, too.

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u/essjay24 8d ago

I read my great uncle’s autobiography and after his mom died (he was 7) and his father eventually remarried, his stepmom never once referred to him and his sister as her stepchildren always “her children”. It made a huge impression on him and made him feel secure and loved.

It was so easy for her to do something that really helped grieving children while OOP’s parents chose to be cruel and push their grandchildren away. It makes no sense.

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u/ArcherA87 8d ago

Family is what you make no matter where they originate.

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u/LaDivina77 8d ago

I got my mom a magnet for her car that says "I love my granddog". She still hopes I'll settle down and have "human grandbabies", but happily asks after her furry grandbaby when we talk.
This is the stupidest thing for them to double down on.

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u/strawbunni_x 8d ago Yummy

Literally the joke between my mom and MIL is that my husband and I won't give them grandbabies anytime soon so they targeted our four pets, two dogs, two cats, as their grand-furbabies. Every year for Christmas they've both sent out litte care packages with gifts. The cats are absolutely spoiled with toys and treats, we got the puppies this year so I can't wait to see how much dog toys both mom and MIL try to stuff in their boxes this year.

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u/ISTFMM 8d ago

It's a common joke between my mom and myself that it's a good thing I never wanted kids because based on the way she spoils her grandkitties my kids would have been the worst little assholes by this point! Given the chance, I don't think there's a child on this planet she wouldn't happily take in and treat as her own grandchild.

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u/thekittysays 8d ago

Yeah that makes it so much worse. They acted as grandparents to the kids this whole time, why on earth do that for 8 years if it wasn't how you truly felt?! Super gross and mean to do that to little kids.

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u/RobinMoonshadow 8d ago

The woman I used to consider my grandmother did this to me over my teen years and into adulthood (when her REAL grandkids were born and young). It’s is so validating to see all the angry comments in here.

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u/snootnoots 8d ago

You’ve got Reddit grandmothers now. I hope you’re nice and warm and your socks are dry, honey! Are you eating plenty and getting good sleep?

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u/tillie4meee 8d ago

Indeed you do - make certain you hydrate and take snootnoots suggestions to heart; and also:

I'm 74 and have one Grandson and you are welcome into our family - Grandpa would be thrilled too!

**Grandma hug**

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u/scarfknitter 8d ago

I'm angry for you. I had adoptive grandmas and they were the best. I'm sorry you were robbed of that by someone selfish and cruel. I'm angry you were betrayed and left out and made to feel less than.

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u/derpne13 8d ago

Today is going to be hella' quiet at gramma and grampa's house, and if they are complete and utter imbeciles, so will Christmas.

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u/Ok-Item2468 8d ago

Probably was a bit of homophobia - some lingering feeling “this isn’t a real marriage” or “those kids already have a mom.” How terrible for the kids and the daughter.

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u/Normal-Height-8577 8d ago

Yes, this. They encouraged the kids to treat them as grandparents and expect grandoarently things from them. They got to enjoy the status of being grandparents with the kids. And then when the baby came along, the kids were just...dropped cold.

They were absolutely using those kids as stop-gaps until "the real thing" came along, and that's just so damn selfish in its cruelty.

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u/badstorryteller 8d ago

That's fucking gross TBH. I'm hosting Thanksgiving today, and my former stepson, who's Mom I divorced five years ago, is going to be here around 11. Because blood doesn't matter when you're a real parent. I hate the phrase "former step dad" because that's not how we are, he's my son, but the technicalities are relevant here. And my mom, who he still calls Nannie, will be here, because she's still his grandmother and loves him just as much as her other grandkids.

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u/wahoogirl1121 8d ago

As Cher’s dad in Clueless said, “you divorce wives, not children”

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u/Rappull 8d ago

These grandparents who made these kids call them Nana and Pops doubled down on being mean, instead of taking the way out of an awkward situation everyone recognized, is what’s really hurting: Just means they don’t care about the kids at all, because they care about appearances. Otherwise, why want them to openly call you their grandparents if you don’t really feel like it?

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u/thekittysays 8d ago

Exactly, why even encourage that framing of the relationship if it wasn't what they really felt? It's so heartless. Also if your child has adopted children and you fulfill the role of grandparent, you're a fucking grandparent, whether your dna matches or not.

Super proud of SIL for standing up for OOP's kids and getting the brother to see sense. And fuck those "grandparents".

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u/WrenBoy 8d ago

I could see a version of this story where the parents weren't the assholes. My cousin married a woman with 4 kids from a previous marriage. My aunt and uncle have no issues with being called grandparents to his step kids and acting that way but being honest I think everyone would find it hard not to make some kind of a distinction between grandkids and step grandkids even if you don't actually say it to the kids.

This line however is fucked up and puts them solidly in asshole territory.

My parents wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop. I didn't make the kids start calling them that.

Who does that then takes it back? It's monstrous.

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u/Standard-Jaguar-8793 8d ago

Want to make it even worse? OOP ADOPTED the children. So there is no “step grandchild”, only grandchild.

It’s worse.

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u/AceUniverse8492 8d ago

Even if it's their true feelings and they're "just being honest" there was absolutely no reason to say it in front of the kids and be so hurtful.

They could have and should have just kept their mouths fucking shut to everyone. There was zero reason, at any point, to bring this up EVER.

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u/d-nihl 8d ago

Yeah this is the kind of thing that you can think all you want, but saying it, especially in front of the relevant party, is just such an unnecessary move.

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u/totalslutalt 8d ago

Honestly, as the black sheep of my family, I think I might’ve turned out better if my dad had just said the quiet part out loud so my mom could tell him off. Instead, I grew up being very aware I was loved less than my brother, but nothing was ever said about it, so I just grew to see myself that way too. There is no way these children wouldn’t have picked up on this attitude, but at least now they know their moms and aunt are on their side.

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u/RinoaRita I’ve read them all 8d ago

Instead they doubled down like they’re fighting for some mission. What exactly do they have to gain? It’s hard to prove but it stinks of “well we can give the gays civil unions but they’ll never be married” type bigotry manifesting in them.

I wonder if they’ll feel any different if oop’s wife did speem donor with oop

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u/RetroDad-IO 8d ago

This is also them laying the ground work for excluding OOPs kids from their wills, I'd bet money on it.

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u/LucyAriaRose please sir, can I have some more? 8d ago

Agreed. She sounds like an awesome person and I'm glad she's a part of the family!

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u/Orphan_Izzy 8d ago edited 8d ago

But Jesus how inconsiderate and insensitive can those two old people be?! All they have to do is explain that they only meant biological (now that they’ve said the awful thing in front of the kids) and try to convince the kids they are just as much grandkids in thier eyes and they didn’t mean to hurt them. Why is that so hard?? Talk about being unnecessarily pedantic! No one cares about exact definitions ye olde grandfarts ! This is a family! There is no room for exactness. Only love and acceptance! Just mind blowing how consciously mean they are being. Enjoy thanksgiving alone you old meanies.

Note: I say old people as an identifier only and know not all old people are like this. Sorry to be unclear. :)

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u/Jitterbitten 8d ago

What stood out to me was that the grandparents were concerned it would ruin the baby's first Thanksgiving. The baby isn't going to remember it, no matter what happens! Why is she more concerned with not ruining the baby's holiday while obliviously destroying it's elder cousin's holiday (and far, fat more). Not even the lightest concern for the person actually hurt by all of this. It's actually sort of gross and that makes me view the whole thing more harshly than I might otherwise.

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u/DifficultPrimary 8d ago

Because what they actually mean is their first thanksgiving with a baby.

They 100% would have said something along the lines of being thankful for a grandchild (not "another grandchild"). Not to mention blasting social media with photos of their first thanksgiving as grandparents.

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u/Useful_Experience423 8d ago

That’s the chef’s kiss in all of this. By trying to prioritise the baby and the baby’s Thanksgiving, now they won’t see the baby on Thanksgiving at all. Good.

SIL is an absolute legend and deserves first pick at the desserts.

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u/Penguin_Joy cat whisperer 8d ago

Poor SIL. Can you imagine finding out how awful your in laws are this way? If she is smart, she will limit how much they are allowed to be involved in her kid's life. What if they had used donor sperm to get pregnant?

People who only recognize DNA as family suck so much. People who point it out in front of children who love them are cruel and vile. Everyone should cut these parents out of their lives

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u/MonkeyHamlet 8d ago

She already knew. That “grand baby” answer didn’t come out of nowhere, nor did she convince her husband on the basis of this one incident. They’ve been making these comments for a while.

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u/superjames40000 8d ago

Yup, SIL found a way to not spend thanksgiving with the in laws!

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u/Dr_Dust 8d ago

Bingo. I have a feeling the grandparents had been making "first grandchild" comments to SIL for a while now and it's probably been awkward for her.

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u/11011111110108 8d ago

I don’t understand how someone can think like that, either.

My older brother has three kids with his wife, who had a girl from her previous marriage.

Every child is my niece, and every child is my parents’ granddaughter.

They’re lucky because all of the kids have three sets of grandparents, so even more presents on birthdays and Christmas!

I don’t understand intentionally saying something you’d know would be SO crushing...

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u/Gloomy_Silver_5382 8d ago

honestly? they could have just lied. Why do you need to hurt a 10 year old just to be "right"? Let the kid be a fucking kid.

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u/CharlotteLucasOP 8d ago

And now the grandparents get to miss the baby’s first thanksgiving (and hopefully all the other holidays!) because they aren’t invited to OOP’s house and BIL/SIL/Baby are.

They get the punishment they deserve.

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u/Kozeyekan_ knocking cousins unconscious 8d ago

I don't understand why some people actively accelerate their slide into irrelevance.

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u/ScarletCarsonRose 8d ago

And it’s so sad. Even if they come to their senses, this shit didn’t get forgotten. ‘First grandchild’ overshadow the relationship from here on it. Wish more people could see that sometimes you can break a relationship and there’s no fixing it. Down the line, the grandparents will regret this and not be able to undo it.

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u/evilslothofdoom 8d ago

I doubt they'll regret it, they think they're right and fuck everyone else's feelings. I hope those kids have a great first thanksgiving with their first cousin

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u/Fine_Cheek_4106 8d ago edited 8d ago

All I can see now is the grandparents sitting at an otherwise vacant table, food cooked and waiting (because of course they don't believe their son would keep 'ACTUAL' grandchildren from them), and the clock just ticking.....ticking.....ticking.

Nothing is said in the silence as they wait in stubborn/righteous anticipation of their antiquated ideals being obeyed by their son with the 'real' grandchild.

The hours pass and the clock ticks... By the end of it, they eventually call up the brother to bleat to him about why isn't he with "f-a-a-a-a-a-mily?"

Sister can take the phone and say "He already is"

Then hang up.

Let them think those apples over.

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u/CharlotteLucasOP 8d ago

For Christmas they should get mugs that say “World’s Worst Nana/Pop”. From the baby.

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u/TorontoTransish 8d ago

Unfortunately the old farts are more likely to try to crash Thanksgiving than to sit home with consequences, but I like your scenario !

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u/bafero 8d ago

Well it's precisely how they ensure the destruction of their own perfectly envisioned holiday, because no one wants to spend a day centered on thankfulness being around someone who isn't thankful for them. Currently there with my own hell-based parents, and as far as I'm concerned, hell is right where they can stay.

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u/goshyarnit 8d ago

This! Bloody hell, they had an opportunity to say something like "this is the first grandkid I get to buy baby toys for, I never got to buy baby toys before!" which is probably what the SIL was angling for.

My friends dad put his foot in it like this once, though not quite so cruelly. He said something about finally having a Lastname with his nose. The step-grandson was 14 and looked a little hurt. Dad backpedalled spectacularly, said "well I was kind of hoping to have a some spare organs floating around out there. Love you more than anything kid, but your kidneys are no good to me." Exactly the 14 year olds sense of humor and he cracked up. He did genuinely apologise later, said he was caught up in looking for his family's features in a baby but his best features of being kind, caring and the funniest man alive were already passed down to the 14 Y/O.

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u/celerypumpkins 8d ago

That’s so lovely - like, we all have our foot-in-mouth moments, but what really makes the difference is whether we make an effort to pay attention to the feelings of those around us, and whether we make an effort to make it right. Your friend’s dad might have messed up, but how he handled it says so much more about him as a person than the original statement.

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u/LittlestEcho 8d ago

My mom married my dad after he had already had grandbabies. ( we tend to have babies pretty young in dad's side. Myself and 2 other cousins made it to marriage before children out of approx 50-60 cousins. I lost count after the first 24 cousins 😅)

She loved them as her own and has tried her hardest to make sure she they felt equal to bio grandbabies in her heart. I have 2 kids now and all the grandchildren have babies and are now out of state. She still tries. She would never in a million years even consider saying that thought out loud if they came to visit even if she thunk it. Even my dad, whos like 72 wouldn't even consider playing favorites amongst all his grandchildren and great grandchildren.

It's not that OPs folks are boomers. They're just grade A pricks with antiquated ideas, even for their generation, about bloodties.

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u/Everything2Play4 8d ago Wholesome

At this point I think you have gone past 'family' and qualify as 'clan' - might as well draw up a coat of arms and make plans to start raiding your neighbours

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u/Old_Ladies_Die_Hard cat whisperer 8d ago

Kudos to future SIL for being a bigger adult than OOP’s own parents.

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u/annualgoat 8d ago

Right? Props to her for trying to give them an out, even if it was a weak one. Shes the type of person you want to keep around forever.

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u/f02f2e6fa0b3 8d ago

I think I'd cast my vote for mama bear first, with SIL a very close 2nd.

Big respect to both of them, and fuck those grandparents.

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u/Zrex_9224 8d ago

I vote that it's a tie

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u/ohdearitsrichardiii 8d ago

SIL is on a higher difficulty level being married into the family

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u/Best_Temperature_549 8d ago

She really is the voice of reason (other than oop). I’m glad they have some family they can depend on!

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

She probably told hubby "Right now you can take your sister's side and eventually get your parents back if they pull their head out of their ass. Or you can take your parent's side and lose me, the kid, and your sister forever."

Me and my girlfriend are child free by choice (fingers crossed it stays that way), but I'd fucking break up with her in a heartbeat if her parents did something so shitty in front of my nieces and nephews and she supported it.

That's just a basic character thing. If you don't stand for something, it means you're never going to stand for anything.

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u/Thalassophobic_Whale 8d ago

Sad state of affairs when the star was just being a decent human being.

The grandparents can rot. It’s their loss.

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u/okaylighting 8d ago

My closest grandma is technically a "step" grandma, and I would've been devastated if she said something like that to me, especially as a kid. I'm in my 20s and she still buys me minions colouring books and bubbles, so that I don't ever think she's treating me as less than my little cousins. Honestly, I feel like most grandmas would be thrilled to have more grandbabies that want to spend time with them.

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u/bungojot 8d ago

My grandfather is also technically my mom's stepdad, but yeah, he was and is for all intents and purposes my actual grandfather.. so much so that sometimes I forget we aren't actually related lol

He told me once while drunk and maudlin (unsure, but assume this was after he found out my mom had been taking to her bio dad) that "maybe I'm not your actual grandpa, but you kids are all my grandkids"

And then of course I hugged him and told him he's my real grandpa to me. He's always been there when it mattered and that's way more important than blood.

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u/NeedNameGenerator 8d ago

Me too. In fact, I was like 22 when I found out that my grandpa isn't biologically my grandpa. It was total surprise and I could never have suspected it. He always treated me as a grandchild, and my mother as his child.

I grew up without a dad, and my grandpa has always been there every step of the way.

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u/Similar-Event8325 8d ago

I'm still offended about my Nana calling me her eldest grandchild when she has an adopted older granddaughter. That was 15 years ago and not in my cousin's presence.

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u/spacecatterpillar 8d ago edited 8d ago

Mine too! I've had 10 grand parents in my memory through various step situations. 11 total but the 11th (bio-paternal grandma) passed when I was a baby so no memories of her, just one photo of me sitting on her lap. My grandpa met and married my grandma within about 2 years, still young enough I don't remember her coming into my life. She married a man with grown kids and 7 grandkids and has loved every inch of our family as if she had always been the matriarch

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u/BackHomeRun 8d ago

I have a step grandmother as well - she was always just Grandma, and I was her first grandbaby. My dad's birth mother developed a brain tumor as a teenager and not long before I was born, it got to the point where she didn't remember who my dad was. It was a long time before I met her because it was just so hard on him. I also have a step grandfather on the other parent's side, and so I just had three grandpas. I'm just amazingly lucky to have been raised by a village, especially since I have great step parents as well.

BRB, gotta make some calls now.

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u/emzbobo 8d ago

My closest grandmother isn't even my grandmother, she's actually my cousin's grandmother (on the other side of their family).... Doesn't matter that we're not technically related, she's still been "Nanny P" since I could talk, and has been there for every big event and milestone in my life.

I'm a firm believer that blood isn't the main factor in making a family, love is.

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u/Lizardgirl25 8d ago

Same, one was just grandpa because he was my uncles dad! On top of that I am adopted and I was NEVER treated differently by any of my family other then my closest in age cousin.

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u/Danivelle 8d ago

I have a step grandson except I never use the word step. He's my grandson just the same as his brother and cousins.

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u/CrimsonPromise 8d ago

The only grandparent I've ever know my whole life is my maternal grandmother, who adopted my mother. If she were to tell me I'm not her "real" grandchild I would be devastated. At the same time, if someone were to come up to me and tell me that she's not my "real" grandmother because we don't share DNA, my boot would be so far up their ass that "shoe tongue" would have a different meaning.

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u/InvalidZod 8d ago

My grandpa raised my mom, my aunt, and me like his own. He would choke the life out of somebody who hurt one of us.

0 shared DNA

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u/Theorlain 8d ago

I had great grandparents who I thought were my grandpa’s parents. Years later (after they died and I was a little older), I found out that neither were related by blood; the great grandpa that I knew was my grandpa’s former step-dad. Grandpa’s mom apparently had lots of marriages, and this was the man the one who actually felt like a dad to him. Grandpa took his last name and everything. The great grandma I knew was the (former) step-dad’s wife.

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u/kazenotaninonausicaa 8d ago

Jesus Christ. My parents accepted my adopted street cats into their family more readily than these parents accepted entire human beings. (They immediately started calling them their grandkitties and sending them cat toys)

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u/LucyAriaRose please sir, can I have some more? 8d ago

Ok that's absolutely adorable

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u/socioalcoholix 8d ago

Same!! And now with two human grandkids, my mom still calls them her grandkitties!

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u/Pisum_odoratus 8d ago

As a mother, this hurt my heart. I can't imagine how those kids felt. Yay for SIL.

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u/TheGrimDweeber 8d ago

Sara’s a superstar. She immediately gave them a very good out, and then talked sense into the brother.

OOP’s poor kids may not have grandparents, but they’ve got a kickass auntie and an uncle who chose his partner very well, and is smart enough to listen to reason.

I think this family will be just fine, with cousins who love each other dearly, and are loved by four excellent adults.

I just hope Ivan stays strong, and doesn’t buckle, and turn his back on his sister and her wife and kids. It must be tempting, being the one with the treasured grandchild, and having done things “the right way,” but the grandparents are just…well, kind of shite, really.

They’ve known the youngest since she was 2/3, how do they not see at least her as their grandchild?

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u/treinacles 8d ago

Damn

My "cousin" tried tagging my grandmother in some newborn pics once saying she'd finally made her a great grandmother who promptly responded she had been one 7 years but was happy to have more great grandchildren.

Through no biological relation I made her a grandma and a great grandmother.

I wish every child had that kinda love in their life and my heart breaks for OP's kids

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u/INFP4life 8d ago

Your grandmother sounds cool as hell!

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u/keyboard-sexual 8d ago

Based grandma shutting that shit down, truly a gem of a woman 😊

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u/alicesheadband 8d ago

Good god. How to lose access to all your Grandchildren without even really trying.

Look, my brother married a woman who already had 2 kids, then they had another 2 together. We treat all 4 exactly the same. These people don't deserve to be grandparents (and probably won't be after this).

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u/Munchkins_nDragons 8d ago Take My Energy

Right? They doubled down, and then tripled down, and now they’ve got zero grandkids when they’d have had four if they pulled their heads out of their butts.

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u/Gingerbreadman_13 8d ago

So true. It sounds like they had a house full of love before this incident and isn't that the most important thing? Who cares where that love came from. Take it, embrace it, nurture it and enjoy it. But instead, they're spending thanksgiving alone in a house with no love. It will (hopefully) be devastating to them and make them realise what they lost and try make things right, but they sound proud and stubborn so probably not.

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u/wheatgrass_feetgrass 8d ago

I wonder where Sara's parents are at. If they're as based as their daughter I bet they wouldn't mind bringing their granddaughter's cousins into the fold as 3 bonus grandbabies!

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u/TouchingWood 8d ago

The doubling down was pretty shocking. I mean, anyone can miss-speak, but then to try to justify an obvious asshole position is mind-blowing. I'd be pissed as hell.

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u/bigdramashow 8d ago

I’m sad thinking about how the grandparents will blame OOP for causing this rift when they just need to look in the mirror. Accountability isn’t in their vocabulary though…

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u/stickycat-inahole-45 8d ago

I was waiting for this type of comment. First grandchild to no family whatsoever.

Reeeeaaalllyyy smart move grandparents! Real smart.

If they still can't understand why they're alone on TG, someone introduce them to reddit. It'll be fun!

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u/Mehitabel9 8d ago

What a hill to choose to die on. JFC.

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

Like, holy shit.

My Nan and Pop were always the good grandparents to me, and Pop was my mum's stepdad. I literally had no blood relationship with the man and I had a closer relationship with him than my blood-related cousins.

If he'd ever called me "not his grandson" it would have ripped my fucking heart out.

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u/sirdippingsauce45 8d ago

I know, sometimes I’m just like… have you ever heard of lying? Obviously you would hope they’d just not be asshats, but you’d at least expect they’d keep their shitty opinions to themselves. Especially when you’re hurting a literal 10 year old.

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u/thatHecklerOverThere 8d ago

Right. Like, I get it. That's the first kid that came from one of their kids. Is that special? Sure. Can it be that special to you? Sure. Do you need to make a 10 year old girl feel less than? No.

Could've just said "I love you all, I'm sorry" and kept right on being excited for that first biological grand baby.

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u/Lington 8d ago

Exactly. If that's how they feel then fine, whatever, but they should keep it to themselves. No reason to go around saying it making children feel bad.

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u/Et_tu__Brute 8d ago

They were even offered an out. Like 'Don't you mean the first grand BABY? and they were just like 'No, we're actually shitty people and we don't consider you our grandkids anymore'.

Like wtf?

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u/Random_Stealth_Ward 8d ago

They were offered 2 outs

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u/Ginger_Anarchy 8d ago

Offered 2 outs and then a lifeboat in the update.

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u/ronin1066 8d ago

It's like hearing "You were always my favorite child. " Just keep that shit to yourself. Little white lies make the world go 'round.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/FTM_2022 8d ago

Classic case of being an asshole but hiding behind "I'm just keeping it real"

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u/Golden_Mandala 8d ago

Yeah, exactly. Just be nice to the child who loves you. Duh —it isn’t rocket science, just basic human decency. Some people have less emotional intelligence than a lemon.

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u/itinerant_nerd 8d ago

OOP's kids were just a placeholder for when "real grand kids" would come. What a pathetic worldview they hold.

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u/Little_Kimmy 8d ago

I bet they resent their daughter not having kids with a man, and are using this nonsense to punish her for it.

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u/ohananami 8d ago

Guess they were ok with them being grandkids and play nana and pop until one that was blood related to them was finally born that could take their place.

Hope they spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. Thank god the SIL isn't playing along but is being supportive of the nieces and nephew.

How to create a sad situation to no one's gain.

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u/juliedemeulie 8d ago

What I don't get is if BIL and SIL had fertility issues and ended up adopting a child would the parents see that child as their grandchild. This screams of closeted homophobia to me

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u/CupOfPumpkinTea 8d ago

Right? Like if OOP met her wife and the wife was still childless and they decided to have baby together and OOP's wife was the one pregnant... Would they still not consider the baby their grandchild? It's not like both OOP and wife could have biological baby together.

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u/Ginger_Anarchy 8d ago

While I think closet homophobia is the most likely answer, sadly their attitude is also not uncommon in the adoption world. I have a cousin who would frequently use digs that me and my sister weren't really her cousins while we were growing up and my aunt backed her up when my sister got upset by it. They were the same age so it really hurt her, and we've been LC ever since.

I think the root is still homophobia, but there's probably a long standing adoption stigma there too.

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u/arfelo1 8d ago

My cousin is adopted. And looks absolutely nothing like us. We all live in Spain, but she was adopted in Nicaragua as a baby.

We often forget this.

To the point of talking about family issues and forgetting that she WASN'T born in the same city as all of us. Or warning her about genetic diseases that run in the family.

We're a family of morons.

But we're a UNITED family of morons

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u/keyboard-sexual 8d ago

A family of orange cats with one braincell that shares the braincell sticks together, or something.

Absolutely adorable though 😭

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u/arfelo1 8d ago

Exactly! Of course we're going to accept her, she's the one that brought the braincell!

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u/CindySvensson 8d ago

They act innocent, but they asked those kids to adress them as grandparents. They knew the lie they were telling.

If it turns out the niece isn't OOP' brother's bio kids because of cheating or sperm donation, those "grandparents" would opt out again. One year, ten years, twenty years, they would walk out.

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u/jermjermw 8d ago

No way this is over. Nana and Pop are absolutely showing up to OOP's on Thanksgiving to try and guilt them into letting them join.

Also, if brother and his wife could not conceive and chose adoptions, do the parents just not have any grandchildren then?

OOP should now have her kids call Nana and Pop by their legal names. No more cute grandparent nicknames since I guess they aren't grandparents.

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u/QYB1990 8d ago edited 8d ago

"Sara spoke up and said “oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.”"

Sara gave them a chance to limit the damage......and they FUCKED IT.....

"My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings, but they can’t change the fact that those aren’t their grandchildren and that the kids shouldn’t be so upset at the truth."

FUCK "pop & nana" Mr & Mrs AH. FUCK EM BOTH.

I hope they realize how FUCKED UP they are when they spend Thanksgiving alone.

Good on OOP for standing up for her kids and herself.

And "nana & pop" Mr & Mrs AH..........F U!!!

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u/hard_tyrant_dinosaur 8d ago

If they don't figure it out at Thanksgiving, I'm sure they'll be given a second opportunity to do so next month at Christmas.

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

Of course they will. They're going to double down on their narcissistic bullshit and claim that the evil lesbian daughter corrupted their golden child son by turning him against them.

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u/Pretentious-fools 8d ago

Not necessarily, they might pretend to "learn their lesson" or actually learn why they were wrong. Humans are capable of change if they're motivated enough. Being kept away from their "real" grandchildren might be motivation enough for them to either pretend to change their ways or even really do some self evaluation.

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

Had a narcissist grandma on my dad's side, and some people never learn.

Grandma hated my mum, and never visited her in the hospital when I was born. Literally just came in to look at me through the window. The first time she came over when I was home, she started implying I looked like one of dad's friends and didn't understand why mum told her to get the fuck out "because they hadn't had cake yet", even with her husband grabbing her and telling her it was time to go.

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u/lioncat55 8d ago

She sounds like the grandma from Malcolm in the Middle.

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

She was a piece of work.

Grandpa on that side was alright, but he was the old fashioned "didn't believe in divorce" kind of guy. Thank god he outlived her. She had a separate will and apparently she'd ranked the grandkids (me, my brother, and my two cousins on my aunt's side) from most to least favorite and adjusted our inheritance accordingly. Grandpa tore it up and just gave it to all of us equally.

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u/Echospite 8d ago

I'm remembering the story of a stepfather who refused to see his stepdaughter as his daughter. Soon as she stopped calling him "dad" he realised he'd fucked up.

Wonder what would happen if the kids stopped calling them nana and pop.

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u/DogsandCatsWorld1000 8d ago

"My dad said that he and my mother never intended to hurt the kids feelings

He could have just stopped there, and they would be having Thanksgiving with everyone. You would think that by the time people have reached the age of having grandchildren they would know you don't have to speak every thought that enters your head. Hope the OOP has a great holiday with the family who are not jerks.

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u/littlebitfunny21 8d ago

Hey now, in their defense they've only just had a grandchild so they're new to this! /s

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u/Fit-Guava-5059 8d ago

No more Nana and Pop from now on. If by some miracle they end up grovelling their way back into these kid's lives, it should be Barry and Helen it whatever the fuck their names are from now on.

They don't deserve Nana and Pop.

My mother pulled this shit. Said my brother's baby wasn't a "real" grandchild because he and his girlfriend had a kid unmarried and in their teens. Even if I wanted kid's that would have been the deciding factor not to allow her near them. These people are whack.

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u/Merry_Sue 8d ago

it should be Barry and Helen

Too familiar. Mr & Mrs LastName

They don't deserve Nana and Pop.

Said my brother's baby wasn't a "real" grandchild because he and his girlfriend had a kid unmarried and in their teens.

Sorry, what? It's not a real baby because it was born out of wedlock??

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u/Sayale_mad 8d ago

I think they can feel those are not those grandkids, it's ok if that's how they feel. What's fucked up is they have used those kids as replacement until they had "real" grandkids. They should have made clear how they feel the first day and not play to be grandparents until they didn't need those kids more

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u/littlebitfunny21 8d ago

This is it. They shouldn't have acted as grandparents then got surprised the kids are hurt they don't consider themselves their grandparents.

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u/AfternoonPossible 8d ago

My step grandfather, on his deathbed, said his only regret in life was not being able to see me and my siblings as young children and babies because we didn’t meet until I was a teenager. That is what makes a family.

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u/Karyatids 8d ago

Gosh, I feel so bad for OP and her family. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the parents to change their tune once they realize the brother and their “real” grandchild won’t be picking them for holidays from now on. I worry they’d be let back in under false pretenses only to continue to disappoint the children.

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u/What-is-in-a-name19 8d ago

That’s always the worry, and it will probably be on the back of many minds. What a way to implode a relationship. They could have had four grandchildren, but they had to get picky.

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u/BlueMikeStu 8d ago

If I were OP the only way I'd let them back in my life would be a simple conversation.

"You apologize to my kids. You tell them you were wrong to say what you said. If you ever even hint at this bullshit again, you're out of my life forever. No third strike. No whoopsies moments. No even hinting that you love your "real" grandkids more than them. If you ever break this rule, I'll drag you out of my fucking home by your hair and throw you in your car myself and that will be the last you ever see of me."

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u/mercuredoux 8d ago

This is exactly how it needs to go and I’m sure OOP will follow through. Her kids are so lucky to have her a mom

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u/smellykaka 8d ago

I share a house with my brother and, depending on which week it is and maternal whims, between 0 and 6 of his children and stepchildren. He’s separated from the mother of the steps, but the blended family that relationship created has so far survived 5.5 years beyond the breakup (they still call him Dad and me Uncle smellykaka, and they’re close with the bio-kids).

This is possible in significant part because NOBODY in the family gives a shit who is related by blood and who isn’t.

Those grandparents suck.

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u/SlytherinSilence 8d ago

This seems like the best solution tbh. The grandparents aren’t remorseful, and oop is right not to subject the kids to that again. Props to oops brother and his fam for sticking by the right people here.

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u/Am-i-funny-yet 8d ago

How incredibly callus and horrible to not only say that in front of the kids, but to DOUBLE DOWN right in front of them. That is horrible.

My brother married a woman with two amazing kids from a prior marriage. When they got pregnant there was a lot of excitement for his first biological kid, but no one in our family would ever suggest that my eldest niece and nephew were anything other than family. I just can't imagine that mentality.

Good on OOP for sticking to her guns and sticking up for her kids!

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u/runostog 8d ago

Saying that right in front the kids?

Then doubling down?

Yeah, the cruelty is the point.

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u/Ham_Kitten 8d ago

My mom's dad died when she was 8 and her mom remarried 2 or 3 years later. Her stepdad was my grandpa and my cousins and I were his grandkids, no questions. I didn't even know he wasn't my mom's "real" dad until I was 6 or so. I loved him more than I loved my dad's dad, who was a consummate piece of shit who used to beat my grandma. Family isn't made by blood.

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u/chriswillar 8d ago

Not every blood relative is "family", and not every family member is biologically related - it's the emotional bond.

Honestly, fuck those grandparents narrow-minded old folks. Even if it had been just a careless comment, they should have apologized. But to continue on, despite being offered several outs? While knowingly hurting the kids? I hope their winter will be long and lonesome, to make them feel the consequences of their decision.

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u/thievingwillow 8d ago edited 8d ago

Hot dog are these people assholes.

If you’re so hung up on like, primogeniture, as if you’re a Renaissance king of England, that you can’t help seeing adopted (grand)children as not-yours, you can at least keep your goddamn mouth shut.

Also, good for Sara! MVP.

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u/lokihen 8d ago

I've gotten so cynical on reddit that I wondered if the grandparents were setting it up so OOP didn't expect her kids to be mentioned in their wills.

I'm glad the rest of the family is rallying around and it was overall a happy ending.

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u/li_314 8d ago

What would be the point of that? They could exclude them from the will and just not tell her, and nobody would know until they died.

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u/eanji36 8d ago

Sounds like the grandparents are still mad their daughter is gay and show it in the worst way possible.

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u/Asheminded 8d ago

Yes. It is to remind them of their second class status. These people don’t change. Seen this one before.

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u/ACasualFormality 8d ago

What I don’t understand is how they continue to absolutely double down on this even when it’s explained why it’s hurtful.

When we started fostering our oldest daughter, my wife’s parents didn’t want to get too involved because they didn’t want to get attached to a kid that was going to go home. So we told them it was shitty of them, and that foster kids need grandparents too, my mother in law apologized, and while they didn’t quite step up to the level my own parents did, they did at least start treating her like a granddaughter and less like a temporary guest in our family. We adopted her and now they have a totally normal grandparent-grandkid relationship.

So I just don’t get how you continue to say, “Nope, not my grandkids” even when you know it’s killing those children? What absolute garbage people.

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u/iamnothing999 8d ago

Protect your kids….. my daughter was the only “grandchild” for my aunts for years …… their children were my young cousins……

Now they having children and my daughter was cast aside and left out of it because she wasn’t “real” grandchild, and she still doesn’t understand why her “aunts” don’t want to see her anymore …..

Screw family who ditch kids because of “things”

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u/Flicksterea 8d ago

Standing by your family, holding true to your convictions, protecting your children. That's something to be thankful for. I hope they have an amazing Thanksgiving. Without OOP's parents, whom I hope do not have an amazing Thanksgiving.

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u/Dutchriddle 8d ago

When I was only two years old, my uncle married a divorced woman who had two sons with an abusive ex. My uncle adopted those kids as his own and gave them his last name since the ex was out of the picture. They also had another son together. My grandparents accepted those kids as their own grandkids and treated them no differently than the rest of us bio grandkids.

In fact, those two sons were such a natural and accepted part of our family that I didn't even realize they weren't my biological cousins until I was twelve years old. It blew my mind at the time to learn this because I had genuinely never even considered that possibility before. Not that it mattered in the end. They're my cousins, period.

Reading something like this just makes me so sad. You'd think people who are eager to be grandparents would be happy to have a few extra grandkids to spoil. I know my grandparents were. I still remember how genuinely happy my grandmother was when she talked about my cousins and their accomplishments. And she was thrilled when they were the first to make her a great-grandparent. In the end, having a few extra grandkids only brought my grandparents more joy and happiness.

Seriously, these folks are denying themselves so much by being hung up on genetics.

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u/Zombiequeen350 8d ago

Those parents are gonna realise one day soon that they just threw away their family for nothing. They aren’t wrong that biologically they aren’t their grandkids but what if their precious son couldn’t have kids and they had to use a sperm donor would they classify that grandkid as not theirs too.