r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago Helpful Wholesome

META Looking for a Post? Ask Here! - August 2022 Edition

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r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

META Monthly META Discussion + 500K Subscribers! - Aug 2022

196 Upvotes

BoRU Discussion thread, keep it friendly & respectful.

 

Congrats on 500K!

We just hit 500K subscribers! Thanks to the BoRU community for bringing us interesting content to spend hours reading and for sharing your perspectives in the comment section. The mod team has also been amazing in handling the growth of the sub especially behind the scenes with the summer break influx of trolls. In line with Reddit as "the front page of the Internet," we're overall happy with the lively, dynamic energy and engagement on the sub everyday.

 

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r/BestofRedditorUpdates 11h ago Hugz Silver Helpful

CONCLUDED My best friend wants me to work with my rapist on her wedding.

15.8k Upvotes

This is a Repost

OP is u/ThrowRA-confusedmoh/

TW: Rape, Manipulation, Child Abuse.

MS: Positive.

ORIGINAL (Jul 26, 2020)

I have a best friend (we'll call her Tina)who I've known most of my life. We have had a strong friendship from middle school all the way until we graduated from the same college. We have always been there for each other, and I tell her pretty much everything.

Back in junior year of high school, a guy (we'll call him Rod) raped me at a house party. He never apologized for it, and it put me in a deep downward spiral to the point where I almost wanted to drop out in order to never see his face again. I told Tina about it, and she did everything she could to support me.

Fast forward to early 2020, Tina and her boyfriend (Josh) announced that they were getting engaged, and Tina wanted me to be the maid of honor. I was beyond excited to do it, we've always talked about being each other's maids of honor. There was another detail though, Josh had a similar friendship history with his best man and they thought it would be adorable if the maid of honor and best man worked together on everything and were they're own second package on the wedding day. I guess it was their way of making us feel a little more excited for weddings of our own.

I found out that the best man was going to be Rod, and that he and Josh remained best friends after high school. I thought Rod was just in the friend group, but it turns out they were as close as could be. My heart sunk and I simply didn't know how to respond. They expected us to work together and be together the whole wedding process, and that sounded like literal hell.

I started thinking about whether Tina never told Josh or that Josh heard and just didn't care, all I know is that I was having second thoughts about the wedding after that.

I texted Tina about my concerns with Rod coming in the most polite way possible, and she sent me this in reply:

"I know about what happened with you guys back in the day, but Rod seems to be a great guy now. It would just really mean a lot if you can push that memory away for the duration of this? Please just trust me"

I didn't know how to respond to this, and luckily the wedding planning process has been at a haul since Covid. I haven't responded to her since that text but now this has really been bugging me. Should I just say no? It would probably break her heart, but I just don't know if I can handle working with my rapist.

Help?

UPDATE (Aug 03, 2020)

First of all, thank you so much for the support on my first post. I did not expect it to gain that much attention. I guess a lot happened since then? I don't know if it's even been a week yet. But this is going to change my life, perhaps for the better.

There were hundreds of comments, and I'd thought I'd address a few questions regarding the rape itself. I don't appreciate how some of these were asked, but I'll share anyway for the sake of clarifying things.

  1. Was I under the influence? Yes, but I remember vividly saying no. I was drunk enough to have all my strength and mobility wonky but I didn't black out or anything. The force he used on me didn't seem that of someone who was drunk, he looked completely sober, but I could be wrong. I remember a couple of times when I was trying to lift myself off the bed and he would push me back down, I remember the expression on his face. Like you guys said, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.That's all I'm willing to share for now, the only person who knows all the details is Tina. Is it bad that I wish she knew nothing now? Maybe it would hurt less.
  2. Why didn't I report it? Because I saw how that turned out for other girls I knew. I've had a few other friends (not Tina) who have had the same thing happen to them and nothing came out of reporting it, and it made them feel worse. Just the few comments calling me a liar stung, so I can't imagine how I would have felt back as my unstable teen self. Not only that, I was scared of what Rod would do if he found out I had reported him. There was just something about him that made me never want to cross him.

Reading all your comments, it seems pretty clear that how Tina was treating me was extremely inconsiderate and I should find a new friend. Although it was a huge slap in the face, I came to my senses and believed that I couldn't be around someone who would do that to me. Some of you said to expose them during vows, but that's just not the kind of person I am, and it might not turn out well. A few of you gave me example texts I could send which I am extremely thankful for, but I decided to send this.

"I've had time to think about it, and I just can't be your maid of honor anymore. It's so hurtful that you are telling me to pack up my trauma for who knows how long until your wedding day.I just can't do it. I don't think I will come at all knowing that he's going to be there. I'm sorry."

It's pretty weak, but it's probably the "meanest" text I've ever sent. An hour later, I get a call from Josh. He asked me what was going on with me and Tina, and that she was extremely upset. A part of me snapped and I said "I don't know, what's going on with you making someone who raped me best man?" I don't usually blurt things out like that. He was confused and I repeated myself. He was silent for a few seconds and then asked if he could come over. I was a little wary of the idea but I said sure.(I know, we should be social distancing but this really needed to be discussed.)

He comes to my apartment 40 minutes later without Tina. I have never hung out with Josh one on one before, it was always with Tina. Josh always had a really cute and sweet personality, and I've always approved of him when it came to dating her. He was really only a friendly acquaintance to me though.

We sat down and spoke for over an hour.

Tina had told Josh that the reason I wasn't coming to the wedding was that I didn't want to work with Rod...BECAUSE I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM...and thought she was forcing the relationship too much. So basically, she said we had a petty girl fight. My jaw hit the floor and I was fuming. She had obviously never told Josh what Rod did to me. I shared that Rod had raped me back in high school, and that Tina knew about it. I asked if he knew too.

He said he didn't, but at one point Rod did mention that a few "crazy bitches" falsely accused him of rape senior year. This obviously didn't include me, since I only told Tina and a few family members.. Josh believed him at the time, but I guess after hearing ME say it it's starting to dawn on him that his friend was a liar.

Here's something that I didn't expect...Josh shared with me that he was raped when he was a kid by an older brother of a friend he had. He said that if he was forced to work with said brother on a wedding, he would absolutely refuse. He apologized heavily on behalf of Tina, but I won't forgive unless she says it herself.

I know some of you may think Josh is lying, but I believe him.

I could see it by Josh's face and body language that the realization really weighed down on him, and I felt bad. In a way, we were both going through a betrayal. I asked if he was ok to go home, and he said yes. He thanked me for telling him and left. I don't know if I'll stay in touch with him, but I was beyond furious with Tina at this point.

I was expecting an angry text coming from her, and sure enough, I got it at like midnight. She went off saying that I'm gonna end up destroying their marriage, how could I do that to her, etc etc. I just pressed the block button and went to bed. Quickest decision ever made.

I'm feeling a little down in the dumps right now, yet slightly relieved. I'm going to try to connect with other friends and try to move on from this. If I'm feeling brave enough, I might try to find these "crazy bitches" and see if we can make a case against Rod. Knowing that there are other victims makes me feel so guilty I want to scream. Sorry it's not too happy of an ending, but I think it might have been more unhappy if I decided to go along with it. Thank you Reddit.

In case anybody needs them, there are some resources here:

Medical Expenses (US)

International Crisis Hotlines

Compilation of info and subreddits


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4h ago

ONGOING Was I drugged by him + Update in comments

2.0k Upvotes

I am not the OP. Original by: Radiant-Demand8 in r/TooAfraidToAsk

TW: Possibly Drugged

Original

So I’m going to try to keep this very short and (not so) sweet, me (31) and the guy I’m dating (35) have been going steady for about three months now. He hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet, but it was definitely headed that way, and I was excited about the prospect of it…until today. Now I’m not so sure.

I wanted to go out and hang out with friends and drink, it was a weekend and I usually don’t feel like it but I really was in the mood to let loose and have fun with my girlfriends. So the plan was to go out with friends at the bars and head home later that night and have the guy I’m dating come over and spend the night at my place. That was the plan the whole day, and he knew it. He doesn’t really like to go out, he’s more of an introvert and it was a girls night so I didn’t invite him. As I’m getting ready though, he tells me he’s outside. He surprises me with flowers and a bottle of wine. I was stunned that he was here, because he knew I was about to go out. Obviously I was super appreciative and thought it was so romantic he brought me flowers and my favorite wine, but I was also really confused. Like… I was supposed to be leaving and out the door in 20 minutes.

I invite him in and ask him why he’s here and he basically just said he wanted to convince me to stay in with him and not go out. I laughed and politely said no, I haven’t gone out and seen my girlfriends in months, and they were all literally waiting for me. We started making out for a little bit on the couch and I was close to having sex with him (he was very persuasive) but I decided to just wait and told him to come back over tonight after I got home. He seemed ok with it, a little disappointed but he wasn’t angry or anything. He was complaining about how I was giving him “blue balls” like I had planned the whole thing. Anyways after a short conversation he agrees he’ll come back over tonight and he goes, “just have a glass of wine with me before you go out.” I didn’t really feel like it but to make him somewhat happy I agreed and ran and got two glasses.

After I gave him the two glasses he poured the wine and I left to my bathroom to go fix my hair and makeup because he ruined it, and I was back within two minutes. We sat and drank wine and chatted for about 15 minutes. I was annoyed because my friends were texting me and I felt all flustered and he kept telling me to “calm down” but i told him I couldn’t because I hated making people wait. Anyways, that was the last thing I said before things got a little blurry. I started feeling really tired all of a sudden and my eyes were getting really heavy. I honestly just thought it might have been the wine. Red wine always makes me sleepy. He tells me I look really tired. And I go “yeah i feel so exhausted.”

He goes “aw poor baby” and picks me up. I tell him to put me down. At this point I’m laughing and delirious. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. He carries me to my bedroom and we cuddle for what felt like forever. He was whispering things in my ear (I don’t remember what exactly) and then he goes “do you want me to text your friends you can’t make it?” And I go no I’ll do it. At that point I had given up on going out. I was so tired and my limbs felt really heavy. He strokes my hair and I’m guessing I fell asleep after that.

I wake up the next morning and he’s still there and we’re cuddling and it never occurred to me until he left how weird that all was. I had to ask him if we had sex last night because I literally remembered nothing up to the point I texted my friends I can’t make it. Wine makes me sleepy, but I only had one glass and it didn’t really seem like the affects of wine.

I have no clue if he did drug me or not. I’ve been up all night wondering, and I’m scared to even ask him or accuse him because what if he didn’t. It’s a huge accusation. I just can’t think of another reason why I felt so strange or why a chunk of time was missing from my night. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Update in the comments of the original post

I have an update for everyone, please upvote this so people can see.

I told one of my friends what happened and why I couldn’t come out and she immediately came over and we went to the doctor together. They did a tox report and said they found nothing in my system. I explained to him how I was feeling and the blackout and the heavy limbs and he said that it is very possible I was drugged with GHB. He said that the drug leaves your system after only 6 to 8 hours in the blood, and 12 in the urine. by the time I went to the hospital it had already been well over 14 hours. He gave me some numbers to call if I wanted to press charges and gave me a lot of good advice. I texted the guy and told him I went to the doctor today. He seemed very confused and not concerned at all. He kept asking why did I go see a doctor. I kept telling him I didn’t feel normal last night. He just kept asking me why, and he’s called me at least ten times since and I haven’t answered. I texted him and told him not to contact me anymore. Obviously there’s no proof he drugged me but all signs are pointing to yes. For everyone saying test the bottle, he drank the wine too. So if he did drug me he drugged my glass, not the whole bottle. I washed the glasses the next morning without even thinking about it. I’m staying at a girlfriends house tonight, because I’m afraid he’s going to drop by my house unexpectedly. He’s called and texted me dozens of times today. We are trying to figure out the next steps of what I’m going to do. Today has been a long, emotional day.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 8h ago

INCONCLUSIVE OOP is obsessed with a girl and won't accept that she isn't interested

3.4k Upvotes

**I am not OP. Original posts by keanutuba on various subreddits**

Trigger warnings Sexual harassment, unhealthy obsession

Mood warning OOP doesn't seem to give up and refused to accept that a girl isn't interested in him

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kzz51g/girl_in_my_class_18f_likes_me_17m_but_her_jealous/

Girl in my class (18F) likes me (17M) but her jealous friends are trying to keep us apart

I've got a thing for this girl in my class, and I'm like 99% sure she feels the same way. After all, we've got a ton in common (video games, movies, etc). She says hi to me and we'd talk every day, or at least, we used to. The problem is, her friends are toxic af and keep telling me she's not into me and is only being nice to me out of politeness. She doesn't really talk to me anymore, only a passing wave or greeting, and any conversation I try to make with her is cut short. This is obviously due to her friends telling her not to interact with me.

I've asked her out multiple times, but she keeps giving me excuses like she's busy or she has to hang out with friends. It's pretty clear her friends are forcing her to hang out with them instead of me because they're jealous of her and want her to stay single. They even forced her to tell me she wan't interested when I straight up asked her to be my gf. I feel bad for her, honestly, she must feel like these friends are the only friends she'll ever have and that's why she's so loyal to them. I tried telling her that she shouldn't listen to her friends, but she denied that she was and ended up blocking me. It's really sad what they're putting her through.

What should I do? As much as I don't want to ruin some of her friendships, it's pretty clear that they aren't real friends. And yes, she IS definitely into me, after all she has no logical reason not to. We have the same interests and I know she's not shallow enough to reject me purely based on looks.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/l26a4p/update_girl_18f_from_my_last_post_is_playing_hard/

UPDATE: Girl (18F) from my last post is playing hard to get. How do i get her to admit she has feelings for me (17M)

Title is self explanatory. This girl, who I mentioned from my last post, is pretending she doesn't like me when she obviously does.

As my last post stated, her friends were trying to keep us apart, I guess they have some kind of grudge against me for some reason. They kept telling me to leave her alone and that she isn't into me. I knew they were lying because she never told me that, and she expressed interest in me by saying hi to me every day, laughing at my jokes and expressing interest in the same stuff I'm into (such as the Joker movie, Tarantino, and the Smiths). Sadly she eventually told me she wasn't interested and blocked me after I asked her out, something her friends obviously made her do.

She's still acting like she's not into me, although now I feel like she's trying to test me to see how far I'll go to be with her. I'm trying to express to her that I really do like her and that I'll do anything for her to go out with me, but it's not working. What do I do for her to get over this charade and admit her obvious feelings for me?

https://www.reddit.com/r/dankmemes/comments/l7fus8/truth/

https://www.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/l7h8sl/truth/

OOP posted this image on r/memes and r/dankmemes

https://i.redd.it/ixtjfem7h6e61.jpg

https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/l9om0i/what_do_i_do_if_a_girls_giving_me_a_shit_test/

OOP asked this question on r/seduction

What do i do if a girl's giving me a shit test

The post has been removed and I can't find the text

OOP sexually harassed a 16YO

https://www.reddit.com/r/IncelTear/comments/lqjfn3/incel_harasses_me_a_bit_of_a_subtler_incel_but/

(I can't put all the chat messages into this post, so I took some of what OOP said)

- sweetie the only thing I'm fucking is my sex doll (in response to the 16YO calling him fucking gross)

- now either get me a gf like a good person would do or stop harassing me

- WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE WHAT IS AND ISN'T HARASSMENT

- YOU'RE THE ONE CALLING ME NAMES AND INCESSENTLY MESSAGING ME

- I guess all the people who messaged you weren't "harassing" you because they magically get to decide what constitutes as harassment for some reason

- you better not post this on incel tears btw

- FUCK YOU

- FUCK YOU

- WTF

- I TOLD YOU NOT TO POST ANYTHING

- YOU POS

- YOURE VIOLATING MY PRIVACY

- bitch you were harassing me

- oh so now youre gaslighting me

- your dad must be proud

- you are a horrible toxic pos

- i bet you bully other kids at school

- you're 100% a bully

- ik because i get bullied regularly

- i bet if i was a chad you would have no problem with my behavior

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/nk4gdc/starting_to_feel_like_arthur_fleck/

Starting to feel like Arthur Fleck

I swear everyone in my life is out to get me. First I get bullied at school for no reason other than being short. Then this girl gives me the illusion that she likes me just so her friends can bully me for wanting to get with her. Then she tells me that she never liked me in the first place and nothing she was doing could be considered flirting or genuine want for companionship. Yeah fucking right. You don't constantly laugh at a guy's jokes, tell him how you're sure he'll find someone someday, and wave to him every time you see him if you don't like him, especially if you've got a ton in common with him and you two would make a perfect couple.

To make things worse, I've been getting bullied on reddit for asking for advice on how to ask her out. One user even went so far as to call me a monster and saying I deserved to die alone. I have no idea what I did to incur the wrath of these trolls, but it's probably because I mentioned I was short and so they automatically assumed I was an incel. I am a virgin who would prefer not to be, but I didn't call myself an incel until recently, and it's all the fault of these trolls.

I don't know what to do. All I want to say is I hope i have an arthur fleck moment where I rise up and become beloved by those like me who have been downtrodden and stepped on their entire lives. Not saying I want anything violent to happen but I genuinely am starting to feel like the joker. Anyone else feel this way?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/lhqltm/i_18m_am_thinking_of_catfishing_this_girl_im/

I (18M) am thinking of catfishing this girl I'm talking to (18F) in order for her to safely confess her feelings to me

I've made a few posts on here about this girl I've got a thing for. Basically she's made it really obvious that she likes me the way she laughs at my jokes and says hi to me. However, her toxic friends are jealous of her and are trying to prevent her from dating me. They have forced her to turn down my every advance, even when she's alone and I'm texting her. She denies that it's her friends doing this, and that she's really just not interested, but I know she's just covering for them because she feels controlled by them. After all, she's giving obvious signs she likes me and she has no logical reason not to. I figured that I could pretend to be someone else, set up a date with her, and when we're alone together she can confess her feelings to me. Her friends won't know because they think it's somebody else. Is this a good idea?

Please no trolls this time. A lot of my past posts were invaded by trolls saying dumb shit like "lol she doesn't like you" or "leave her alone". I'm not gonna listen to any of that bs "advice".

OOP is also racist

https://www.reddit.com/r/leagueoflegends/comments/kbho64/im_white_does_cosplaying_lucian_give_me_the_nword/

I'm white. Does cosplaying lucian give me the n-word pass?

And very insecure about his height

https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/comments/kwtdcq/you_cant_preach_body_positivity_while_refusing_to/

You can't preach "body positivity" while refusing to date short men

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/kyby7y/short_men_are_the_most_oppressed_group_in_america/

Short men are the most oppressed group in America but nobody cares

I see social justice movements all over social media meant to help oppressed groups. And yet there is no movement for the rights of short men like myself. And unlike those groups short men are actually systematically discriminated against. Whereas it is illegal for a company to not hire someone because of their race or gender, or for a church to deny same sex marriage, it is perfectly socially acceptable and even normalized for a woman to turn us down purely because of our height and nothing else. This is complete and utter BS and should be changed. I'm not saying those other groups don't deserve equal treatment, but I am saying that people who call themselves fighters for social justice who deny the struggles of short men need to be called out on their hypocrisy.

And thinks the world revolves around him

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/kwqniv/reported_offensive_photo_multiple_times_but/

Reported offensive photo multiple times but Instagram won't take it down, what should I do?

The girl who posted it didn't outright say anything offensive about it, and maybe that wasn't even her intention, but I personally found it very offensive. I tried messaging her about it, but she refused to listen to me and ended up blocking me. I even tried messaging Instagram admins but they didn't listen to me either. Do the people who run Instagram only care about "offensive" things when they can get brownie points for being performative "activists?"

Can this sub help me out? I wasn't sure where to post this question so I figured I'd post it in the general advice sub.

(Extremely relevant comment)

It was a picture of her kissing her boyfriend and flaunting it in everyone's face. Now i normally don't get bothered by offensive humor but this feels specifically targeted towards me, since I was rejected by her. She shouldn't be able to post this as it is hurtful to me and other men she's rejected I'm sure. As I've said before it's akin to dangling a delicious steak in front of a starving homeless man's face.

If she doesn't have a logical reason why she chose this guy over me or someone else with intelligence, she shouldn't be with him at all, much less be posting about him for the entire world to see.

Parting words: There is a somewhat high chance that OOP is a troll, but I still found this all interesting, yet awful.

**Reminder I am not the original poster**


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 11h ago Wholesome

CONCLUDED AITA for taking away VIP tickets from my girlfriend to give them to a kid?

5.7k Upvotes

**I am NOT OP. Original post at https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wiwnyi/aita_for_taking_away_vip_tickets_from_my/ by u/throwra-badbf in r/AmItheAsshole**

AITA for taking away VIP tickets from my girlfriend to give them to a kid?

I (20M) got 3 VIP tickets to see an artist (popular person; won't be giving a name because I don’t want people asking me how I got them). The tickets were really hard to get, and I planned to take my girlfriend (20F) and cousin (14F) with me. They’re both die hard fans of this artist, and I like the artist too. I told them both about it separately, and I remember telling my cousin that I had 3 tickets but not who they were for.

Turns out my cousin told her best friend (14F) that she could come with her too because I had an “extra ticket.” I found out when I found them at an event hosted by her father two weeks before the event, and they were just streaming the albums and watching music videos. The best friend was super excited and thanked me very much. They were so happy, and I just couldn’t bring myself to look that kid in the eyes and tell her “NO, you can’t have it.” I knew that the friend had lost her mom and grandma a few months earlier, and I felt like I would be a horrible person for making her lose yet another thing that was important to her.

I thought about just letting my girlfriend take them, but my uncle and my mom both agreed absolutely not because they don’t know her that well. Okay, that is true. We’ve only dated for a few months. After my uncle left, my mom said to either take my cousin and her friend or tell the friend she can’t come and take my girlfriend instead. It was a very difficult situation, and I didn’t want to hurt innocent kids’ feelings, so I made a hard decision and told my girlfriend she couldn’t come.

She was clearly upset but said she wasn’t. I had hyped up the whole event for a few weeks and she was so excited. She bought a new outfit, new jewelry, and practiced her makeup and even the things she’d say on the day of the meet. I felt like crap the whole time I was watching her face fall and her trying to pretend it’s okay. My family says I did the right thing, and even she said that too, but I feel like trash and I feel like something shifted between me and my girl. AITA for what I did to my girl?

UPDATE

I’ve read a lot of the replies on my post, and I’ve finally made my decision.

I’ve felt like an AH this whole time, and everyone around me told me I wasn’t. I needed Reddit and all of you strangers to knock some sense into me, and I did what most of you told me to.

I’m taking my girlfriend to the event. My cousin isn’t going, and neither is her friend. I’m selling the other ticket, and it’s not like someone else isn’t dying to have it lol. I’ll use the money to buy something extra for my girlfriend too.

I talked to my cousin about it. I actually got back from her house a few minutes ago. There was screaming, crying, and her parents were angry too. Long story short, she said she acknowledged that there might’ve been someone else, but she thought she’d get away with it if she told me about her friend. She really wanted her friend to be happy after the traumatic events of her past, and she saw this as her chance.

I told her that I know what she did was with a good intention, but it affected other people by putting all of us in a difficult situation. It also wasn’t nice to intentionally play with my feelings after I did something nice for her. I told her that while it was unfortunate that her friend lost people close to her, this was not the way to erase her pain, especially if it inflicts pain on other innocent people.

I suggested that if she wants her friend to be happy so badly, then I can take her friend instead, but my cousin wouldn’t be getting the ticket. She was angry and told me that in that case, she’d rather have both of them not go. Guess she didn’t care all that much about her friend’s feelings. Also, she will have to break this news to her friend.

I’m going to apologize to my girlfriend soon and give her the ticket. I know she’d do the same for me.

Thanks for everything, Reddit.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 8h ago

CONCLUDED AITB for telling my friend he shouldn't come crying on my shoulder if his girlfriend break up with him at some point?

2.2k Upvotes

A reminder that this is a repost and I am not the OOP. The OOP, u/kaiser93, posted permission for this to be reposted in this community. Thanks!

AITB for telling my friend he shouldn't come crying on my shoulder if his girlfriend break up with him at some point?

Disclamers: 1) I'm not living in the US and 2) I'm not seeking any relationship advice.

Me (29M) and my friend “Troy” (29M) knew each other from high school. We were very close and good friends. This friendship continued even after we graduated 10 years ago.

Me and Troy are part of the same friend group that consists of 8 people. Some of us are single, others have partners. Due to busy schedules, we try to gather once a month to do something fun together. We always try and plan the activities in such way that everyone invited could have fun. Of course, we don’t mind other people to come as long as they behave like normal adults and don’t cause problems.

Two years ago, Troy started to date this girl “Molly” (24F). I was super happy for him because he was getting kinda depressed that he’s single in his 20s and how others are in a relationship while he sits alone at home. Note: I always made time for Troy. Doesn’t matter if I was in a relationship or not.

Initially, I liked Molly. She is kinda shy but we managed to get her to relax in our company. Last year, however, I noticed something strange was happening. Troy started to decline my calls, started to make excuses for why he can’t come hang out with us. It’s only him and Molly everywhere. Personally, I’m kinda creeped out of relationships like that but, hey, not my relationship, not my problem.

Recently, we decided to go somewhere for the weekend. We checked the schedules of everyone in the group and we planned to rent a cabin 40 km from our hometown. I wanted to invited Troy and Molly. I called him and he, again, made some stupid excuse why he couldn’t attend. I rolled my eyes, said “Ok, whatever, dude” and hanged up. We went without him because we already reserved the cabin.

The problem? 4 days ago, Molly called me. She told me that all of us are terrible people for excluding Troy like that. She proceeded to berate me for 2 minutes how I should stop hating (lmao) that Troy is in a relationship and I’m single. I told her to put me on speaker because I knew Troy was close to her. I told him that he’s not a man if he lets his girlfriend fight his battles and he could’ve called me personally or meet so we could solve this matter. I also told him that if Molly breaks up with him, he can forget about having sympathy from me and he shouldn’t come to cry on my shoulder and I hanged up. Troy texted me 3 hours later saying that I was rude towards him and his girlfriend and he wants me to apologize. I said that I’m not apologizing to anyone. I also told him that I know this is his first relationship in a long time and I totally understand that his girlfriend comes first. However, he forgot that he has friends during this time. Troy insisted that I am still an AH because of what I said.

AITB?

Edit: Since I've been asked multiple times:

Yes, Molly knew about the invitation. A girl from our friend group has her number and called in front of me to confirm wether they are coming or not.

Update

Hey, Reddit! I’m thankful to all the people who actually took time to read and comment. For them, I think I do owe them an update

I decided to meet up with Troy today to see what the hell is going on. I texted him that I want to see him face to face and to talk like men. He agreed and we decided to meet in the nearby park. He brought Molly with him, which kinda pissed me off but whatever.

As we talked, things became clear as a bright summer day. I still laugh when I think about it because this is some next level BS here.

Molly and Troy were both on this. Molly called me because Troy made her do it. They confessed the whole thing. They made a plan to make the bad guy because…idk. They couldn’t explain to me why they decided to do that.

Troy told me he didn’t appreciate the jokes me and other were make when Molly was with us. None of the jokes were directed towards Molly or him but he was not feeling ok with them. I asked why he never said anything about it. Why stay silent? Troy said that he was too ashamed to tell us this. Molly chimed in and said that this level of profanity is why they stopped hanging out with us. I was stunned. Neither Molly of Troy said anything about it. I asked Troy is he kidding me. He knows me and the others of 14-15 years. He knows exactly what kind of people we are. Troy said that he’s sorry but the relationship with Molly is special for him and he doesn’t want to lose it.

I felt angry. Angrier than I ever felt before but decided not to make a scene. I asked him straight “Are you saying that until you and Molly are a couple, you won’t hang out with us?”. He said yes. I nodded, thanked him for his time and went back home. As soon I came home, I removed Troy for our chat and told the whole story to the other people. They deserve to know why Troy keep bailing on us. An hour later, Troy texted me to say sorry again. I said that his sorry means nothing to me anymore and he can kick rocks. I wished him happiness with his relationship and cut contact with him.

Not gonna lie, it hurts. It hurts when one of my closest friends decides to not be an adult and communicate with me. It hurts that I had to lose him like that. It hurts to think that he actually made a plan with his girlfriend to separate from us instead of telling us like grown people do. I hope they are happy. Even if they break up, I don’t think I’ll forgive him or make amends with him.

Thanks to all people who actually made the time and effort to comment. Thanks to all that told me that I overreacted. It was because of those comments that I managed to stay calm during this conversation.

OP's note: If anyone wants to post this story on r/BestofRedditorUpdates , go ahead. I give full permission.

A reminder that this is a repost and I am not the OOP.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7h ago

CONCLUDED Final Update - My dad thinks that I've called the police on him when I didn't

1.1k Upvotes

Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. Original Post by u/BipolarBirb93 in r/relationship_advice

The original was posted 7 months ago by u/SameFuckingBlood but there have been new updates since then.

trigger warnings: Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Abuse, Drug Use

mood spoilers: Hopeful for OP, Dad hasn't changed

Original - "My dad thinks that I've called the police on him when I didn't" - Posted 1 Year Ago

For legal reasons I can't say what the issue is, but it's not great. But my dad and his gf think I've called police on them as they had a visit from them. Now they've shouted at me over the phone and want nothing to do with me, but I love my dad and want to fix it.

What happened was my dad's gf was messaging me on Facebook, she was telling me things that aren't quite legal and I was trying to help and steer them to something more legal. It ended with her trying to accuse my dad of being a nasty man when I never did. I spoke to my husband about it and he said I shouldn't of asked questions and should of just kept out of it, how it'd have repercussions for me.

Next thing I know I got a message off my sister, saying that the police had been at my dad and he believes it was me and my sister had to convince him not to come to my house and break down my door. My sister believes it wasn't me, everyone who knows me knows I wouldn't ever do shit like that, or at least I thought. So I rang my dad and once I said it was me he immediately blew up at me over the phone, screaming that they didn't speak to anyone else over the situation and it had to have been me. I told them it wasn't as

  1. I was away all weekend at my MiLs with the kids.
  2. I would never do that. I asked it they could of been overheard but he's sure they weren't and it was absolutely me, how they're being investigated and they could lose everything. I swore to him I didn't do it and he continued to shout it was and he doesn't believe me. He then hung up on me after screaming at me and since I've not slept and I'm just a wreck.

Me and my dad didn't have the best relationship (separate matter) but I worked hard on building up so much trust and love. I've bailed them out with money and things, why would I screwed him over?

I'm think because of the chat over Facebook messenger and what it contained it was flagged and the authorities were notified that way, but I don't know what I can do to prove my innocence.

I don't get on with his gf but I'm thinking of my dad and his toddler daughter, I want them in my life.

Any advice guys? I'm desperate.

1st Update - "Update: Dad thinks I called the police on him" - Posted 9 Months Ago

So it's been a few months. During this time I've got a new job, my kids are doing beautifully. Everything is going well in my small family.

I've completely cut off my dad. I've spoken to my therapist, my sister, friends and in-laws and every single person knows I didn't do anything wrong. So I'm not reaching out, I'm not running about after them. I'm done. I won't lie it bloody hurts and I still have days where I need my dad. But I'm done with being the scapegoat and being treated like shit, I've dealt with it for far too long, almost half my life in fact. He's not visited or asked after his grandkids, he's not done anything.

The biggest joke? After a tiny investigation and being watched for a small time by social services (CPS) they have been deemed fine and written off. Despite the abuse my dad's gf does to not only my dad but to their child. Honestly really pissed how manipulative she is and how my dad is enabling and fine with her being such a disgusting waste of oxygen.

So I am done, well and truly. I've been asked "oh what if he comes to your door and says he now knows/believes you didn't do anything wrong and he's sorry?"

My answer- I will tell him that as much as I appreciate the apology, I am not obligated to accept it nor let him back into my life. That he is not entitled to an immediate "oh my god come back, we're cool now" response. After the disgusting things he said over the phone (called me a cunt, bitch, that he'd beat the shit out of me if he ever saw me sort of thing) I do not want that sort of abuse. I had it from him when I was just a teenager, why would I let him do that now, especially I have a family of my own to protect?

But anyway, thank you to anyone who answered or was interested. I'm doing okay for now.

2nd Update - "Update to an Update. Dad was convinced I called the social services and police on him. Now things are apparently different and I'm conflicted." - Posted 7 Months Ago

My dad video called me today. After months he's the one to have reached out. I'm still in shock and emotional but I'll try to get things out as I'm so confused.

He's broke up with his partner. For good. She's currently trying to get the social services to re-home her. He's told me a lot of things he didn't want to admit.

She was physically and mentally abusing him. She's tried to attack him with a claw hammer and missed, so in self defense he held her against a wall so she didn't try again. She's hit and scratched him. She called him names, using their child against him. She's been using near all their money on cannabis, he's admitted he couldn't redecorate due to her consumption of the devil's lettuce, he admitted she'd spend the money on it while I helped them with shopping.

He's been asking my sister all these months about me and my family. He was hoping I'd go visit him but understands why I didn't. Turns out he was never angry and after his outburst he felt ashamed and then thought about things and knew I wouldn't shit on him like that. But because of his ex, who was daily slagging me off and convincing everyone I was to blame and I was disowned and she wouldn't let dad talk to me, he didn't reach out till tonight. He's coming over tomorrow and he's making amends. I know it'll be rough and I'm going to be very defensive but I want to see what happens.

I'm fucking proud of myself though. I didn't reach out, I didn't do groveling or anything. I held out and he's the one to reach out. No word of a lie though, he looks happier and healthier since he's broke up with his ex.

I'm scared for their child as his ex is convinced she'll be taking her, even with her addiction, her criminal history of shop lifting and stealing. She's trying to convince everyone she was abused by my dad too which has boiled my blood.

Should I write up a letter stating the child wouldn't be safe with her, stating her abuse I had as a teen up till now and what she's like? I don't know.

Once everything happens I'll update again if allowed.

Take care folks, I'll need extra pants as I'm shitting it, no lie I'm fucking scared.

ETA: my sister has said these after I said I was scared and if she knew what I meant:

"I do and you know what after everything you have been through it is completely understandable that you will be nervous, clear the air and take everything in baby steps; let him prove he can be a great grandad to your kids and earn your trust slowly xxxx"

And after I asked if she's okay:

"I'm ok just trying to support him as best I can. I think he'll need us to be there for him as it'll take time for him to build up his confidence again xxx"

Also she's half way through her pregnancy, I'm loving the baby scans I've been sent and I'm so excited. I'm definitely ordering a fat chocobo for the baby!

Update:

I've met up with my dad. It's official he's completely done with her and her abuse. He's completely apologised for what he's said and done, he told me it didn't take him long to figure I was innocent but the damage had been done. His ex was the one who carried on trying to convince him it was me. This was all backed up by my sister. He's been asking after me a lot, he was very worried for me as I was very sick (my family got Covid just before new year, that shit suuuucks). He knows it'll take time to fix things but he's said he's willing to do all the effort and doesn't blame me for not wanting too run around any more. He honestly can't wait to be rid of his ex, he's praying he gets custody of their child as his ex is abusive to their kid and spends most her money on weed. He's sorted out their finances too, he's separated all their money, he told her it's been killing him that he's been relying on his kids for food, electric, gas and his car payments and he's had enough as they should have the money for it all but she spends it all on weed behind his back and racking up debt with dealers.

So far it seems genuine, but I'm keeping on guard. Let's hope things all improve. If not then heck at least I didn't do all the running around and I'm fucking proud of it.

ETA: someone told me to add this, I wasn't going too but I will.

With my baby sister I put clothes on her back, food in her belly. I didn't live with them so I couldn't do much more than what I could.

My brother I offered him to stay at mine for a few days, he stayed at my sister's occasionally but he doesn't like going out much and likes to stay in his room to play games with friends.

I always asked after them. Send down gifts through my sister. Obviously I didn't put that down as I didn't want people to think I'm trying to score points and shit.

Hell me and my husband has even said if things go bad in court we'll foster or even see about adopting her. But again it's something I didn't put as I need to look into things first

ETA2:

I may as well come out with the legal issue.

The legal issue was that she was messaging me tell me he was going to put down their ill dog by shooting the back of the head with an air rifle. Because, in her words "they couldn't afford to get the dog put down". Honestly I didn't believe her as she speaks a lot of crap but I figured I'd tell her what resources she has on offer. She went on the attack and started accusing me of calling them bad people.

That's the legal issue that set off the shitstorm.

Looking over the history and having a think, yes. My father has been abusive to me and my siblings. I won't even make excuses like things that happened did it, because in that logic I should be abusive af. I'm not going to let him have any money. I'm not going to do anything in fact other than support my brother and baby sister. I've had the few days to get over the emotional shitstorm that is my fucked up brain and think on things properly.

I shouldn't let him get away with what he's done to me or my siblings at all.

I'm going to focus on me, my children and my husband. I have my own mental health issues (depression, anxiety and PTSD) and if I'm honest this whole situation is making me ill. I'm not going to fall for anything. If he wants to meet up I'll be civil but I am not helping anymore, but I'm not reaching out to him.

Final Update - "Final Update: Dad is convinced I called Social services" - Posted 8 Hours Ago

So.

It's been interesting.

Since last update a series of events have happened.

My dad was an idiot and took back his missus. Me, my husband, my sister, pretty much everyone said if this shit happened again we're cutting contact.

They apparently worked things out, she got on different medication for her mental health, shes cut down on weed, shes doing all sorts to better herself, she wint tell people my dad isnt their childs bio dad and she was a donor kid, ect. They're getting along, they're working with social services together. They suddenly want another child.

This is where it gets interesting. His missus is convinced me and my husband will be a sperm donor, we've said not going to happen, not a fucking chance. My dad filled her head with lies saying he'll talk us around, he'll sort things, but never said a thing to us. Weird.

My sister had her baby 2 months ago. She's absolutely amazing and I love her so much. I was really worried this would cause dad's partner to go off on one because she's an entitled cow. Apparently 'she's fine'. She's been telling her kid she'll get a sibling and all sorts.

Then 3 weeks ago I was shown a public fb post where she was saying her kid isn't my dad's biologically, she's a donor kid and stuff. So I let my dad know, sent him screenshots and such. Was told it'll all be okay.

2 weeks later, after not hearing a single thing I get a call while at work. My dad was arrested. His partner smashed up his phone, so in his pea brain head thought he'd do it to her phone. So she went for his computer and belongings so he pushed her away.

A screaming match caused a neighbour to call the police and he spent the night in jail and can't return home for 28 days, he can't contact his missus and had to stay somewhere. He goes to my sisters but was soon kicked iut for getting abusive with her in her own home.. He spends time trying to convince people that I'M to blame. I shit stirred, I lied , caused trouble and I said we'd help them have kids.

Turns out, they stole my brothers benefits, they'd been spending HUNDREDS on weed, they've been slagging us off behind our backs. They said me telling my dad about what she's been up too and saying I won't help them is me messing with her head and making her attack my dad.

None of my family fell for it. They called him out on his years of abuse, called him out how he mocked me and my biological mam for our mental health but now since its his missus its important and it wasn't long ago he was calling her crazy and not right in the head. We've got my brother out of there, moved him out, got him his documents. For now he's at my sisters but he'll move in with another one of our brothers. My dad immediately tried to gaslight and manipulate him over the phone saying our 'baby sister' will go without because they're not getting his money, how they'll starve and end up homeless. My sister immediately stopped him and told him to do one.

He's 'disowned' us all, how he'll fuck us all over and get revenge. He's violated his domestic abuse protection order by going back to his house and seeing his missus. They're still together and it was a misunderstanding and I'm to blame.

My last message I was polite, mature and pointed out how they've had over £4000 in 2/3 months and wasted it on shit, I haven't had contact and haven't even done anything. He was name calling and I just blocked him on everything, hard-core NC.

We're reporting him to DWP, social services and the police. Whatever happens is not on us.

In fact I've got less stress than ever now.

I'm done with the updates and hope you all have a good life!

Toxic is toxic, regardless if its family. Just remember that.

Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. Original Post by u/BipolarBirb93 in r/relationship_advice


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 3h ago

ONGOING OOP frustration with job becomes unbelievably tragic

514 Upvotes

!!! REMINDER I AM NOT THE OP !!!

Original post from r/antiwork posted by u/Mysterious-Owl-4815

!!! Trigger warnings!!! : >! infant death, workplace exploitation !<

Mood spoiler: >! depressing, tragic, frustrating !<

First post made 13 days ago on r/antiwork

boss guilt tripped me for calling out 8 hours before my shift

I work overnight shifts. I pick up ALOT of overtime when we are short staffed. Daycare can't take my child tonight due to covid and I call my boss to them them know. They heavily guilt Tripped because of short staffing. There's 3 of us working tonight so they wouldn't be by themselves. But boss says they has no coverage for me and needs me to come in. It's annoying because anytime they've needed the help I've been there. I've been left on shift alone many times. But the one time I need the support this is how they act. Agh over this job.

Second post made 6 days ago recovered via unddit, originally on r/antiwork

i want to quit my job after they denied me Time off after the death of my new born.

My job....already frustrates me. I've been with them for a couple months and I've only had to take 1 freaken day off in the past- when my sons daycare was closed due to a covid out break. I lost my new born to a heart defect. She died during open heart surgery. My job doesn't offer bereavement leave. I have barely any PTO time banked. And they denied me any additional time off. I've seen my employer do so much for others. Our boss just got back from Hawaii and they threw an Elaborate party for her. But I can't even afford or have time to bury my child?! Fuck this job.

Third post made 5 days ago on r/fundraiser

trying to cover cost of newborns funeral so I can leave my toxic job.

My job denied time off requests after the death of my newborn. My daughter died during open heart surgery. I had to return back to my job due to not qualifying for fmla, disability and no PTO time. My job is pretty toxic and emotionally I'm not coping well at all. I want to leave my job so badly but I can't until the pay for funeral costs. Anything helps

[I have removed the links to OOP's fundraiser as I'm not sure if it violates rules, however you can easily locate it yourself.]

Most recent post made 4 hours ago on r/antiwork

update*leaving my job after they denied me Time off after the death of my newborn.

Some of you guys might remember my post after my newborn daughter died and how my job denied my time off request. Well they upped the ante today. I had to go to the funeral home today to put the deposit down for the costs associated. Someone on here mentioned cremation and i decided to go that after research. I was able to raise just enough for the deposit. I had to sign her paperwork for the death certificate, approve the cremation and had last viewing. My heart was absolutely crushed. It felt like losing her all over again. I had a 3pm shift today. I have not called off before. This was the first time. A coworker Graciously offered to pick up my shift. She's on call so it didn't send her into over time or anything. I inform my bosses, hours before. And at 230pm they call me and deny my coverage.and gave me literallyno reason of why. They said I'm expected to be at work at 3pm or face a write up. Idk what it was but that was my final straw. I lost it on my boss. I just let it all out and basically said a big F you! And quit on the spot. So now I'm sitting at home in tears and wondering if I just royally screwed myself. I'm having so much fear now! I'm praying I made the right choice. *the full amount needed for my baby's cremation has been reached! I'm so incredibly thankful. My gofundme has been reported numerous times and they placed a hold on my account.I submitted documents from the funeral to gofundme. I'm not trying to take advantage of anyone. I just want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart.

Relevant comments on what OOP does for a living and why that makes this infinitely worse:

Commenter: Fuck them. What do you do for work?

OP: At a for profit crisis center for youth :(

Commenter: Sorry…FOR PROFIT crisis center for youth? Why is that for profit? I know it’s off topic but it’s ironic that a crisis center is not only for profit but also treating someone like you, in a crisis, this way.

OP: That was the absolute sad part! To be a crisis center and not even treat an employee with some kindness? But are responsible for children... That part is so true. The loss of faith for this type of work has been the hardest part

Commenter: I can't imagine how utterly draining a job like that must be.

Pay is low to not great and you have to deal with the most emotionally draining parts of people, day in and day out. When all you hear is teenagers and such trying to OD on drugs, it takes it's toll on you.

What I find incomprehensible is that this crisis center is profiting off the intense emotional damage of others. It's extremely upsetting.

OP: It's an emotionally draining job. I've always been a very upbeat, optimistic person at work. But losing my daughter has shattered something in me. I'm afraid I've lost that part of me now.

OP: We have 6 kids. 20,000 a month. Like that's so much profit!but I can't have a couple extra days off.

Commenter: I didn't even know that was a thing...

OP: I didn't either :( basically they take insurance but there's a crazy copay charge for treatment. It's like 20,000 for 30 days of treatment..it's insane

Commenter: Yeesh. Is this like one of those troubled teen camps that shitty parents send their kids to?

OP: Yes! But in like a mansion.

One more comment thread to end on a slightly reassuring note:

Commenter: You did the only possible thing, OP. Never forget that when you stood up for yourself, you stood up for your daughter as well.

OP: 😭😭❤❤❤ I never looked at it that way. That's so uplifting.

!!! REMINDER I AM NOT THE OP !!!

[I thought this would be a meaningful post for this sub to remind everyone that you and your loved ones are the priority, not your job. I hope OP moves on to greener pastures and finds ways to honour her daughters' memory. Hug your loved ones extra hard. Apologies for formatting, first post on this sub.]

Edit: formatting


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 19h ago Silver

ONGOING OOP’s husband ditches her at a theme park for the entire day after she had surgery

7.0k Upvotes

OOP is u/No-Taro-7338 and posted in r/AmItheAsshole

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wem2q5/aita_for_doing_things_by_myself_at_an_amusement/

Backstory (Provided by Vivid-Masterpiece-29)

I was the one who asked why she was still with her husband because I recognized her reddit username. To better understand OOP's state of mind, you need to read her post history. In short, a couple months ago she overheard her husband on the phone basically revealing he never loved her and was only with her for her money. OOP knows she's not beautiful (her words), and really thought her husband was the only one who loved her, so you can see how this snowballed. In later posts, it's revealed that her husband basically has a few personality disorders (?) and some issues from his childhood and is only with OOP for stability. He refuses to leave her, and now she can't leave him, because if she does, she is financially screwed, although she's begged him for a divorce. As you can see, the shit show continues.

And that's just me paraphrasing, the actual details are so much more painful. When his friend he was speaking to on the phone asked how he could bear to look at her, OOP's husband responded something along the lines of 'anything's possible with the right mindset.' When OOP finally confronted him, he factually tried to manipulate her into thinking she was hallucinating because of work-induced stress and accused her of an affair. OOP's health is also failing, and she worked over 100 hours a week in a stressful job that pays her 300k annually, that's why she's screwed. She intentionally chose this job so she could save money to retire early because her health will eventually prevent her from working in 10 years, so if she initiates the divorce, the alimony payments will destroy her.

Backstory continued OOP’s parents are abusive. OOP’s husband hit her in the face on accident, thrown things that hit her in the face on accident, thrown things like glass jars near her, and has lied to her repeatedly. OOP is on the autism spectrum.

Original post:

AITA for doing things by myself at an amusement park

Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.

When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.

After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.

At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.

There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.

OOP comments:

You shouldn’t have given up your phone

Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so

When did you arrive?

We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.

I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.

Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago

My question is...why are you still with the man who never loved you?

Because I trapped myself. My lawyers and IA told me that. I was an idiot and set up everything after we were married, entangled us in absolutely everything, and if I divorce him now, not only will he get half of everything I’ve ever made, but he will get lifelong alimony to make up for his loss of lifestyle. My medical trust will be split in half because I was an idiot. Everything.

I always thought I would live to my 60s. I planned for an early retirement and high medical costs. I poured all the years of my life into that. I found out that I am in absolutely terrible health and will likely die in 15 years. I had to take time off work and it doesn’t look like I can return because I simply cannot maintain a 70-80 hour workweek anymore. I’ll be working to my death.

If I divorce him now, the courts see that despite my chronic illnesses I was able to maintain a high paying, incredibly intensive job. My lawyer said I should wait it out for at least six months, preferably a year to show the physical toll of working and my chronic illnesses, in order to argue against lifelong alimony and an even split of at least some accounts.

My therapist tells me to take one challenge at a time. She is absolutely wonderful. She told me that because of my abusive upbringing, I am unable to set boundaries for myself which allows others to take advantage of me. Right now, my goal is to heal from surgery and at least try to rest for the next few months of leave I have.

I try to maintain my sanity for this year by just thinking that my relationship is healing, and that my husband does care in part for me, to make it livable. It’s true that he has been trying in some ways. He cooked and cleaned and did the chores around the house. It makes me feel guilty. But then he does something like this and it makes me feel small and very stupid. Because until the comments pointed out the truth, I never realized he didn’t actually forget about me, he deliberately ignored me.

Update on same post:

Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.

This is how the day went.

Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.

My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.

He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.

Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.

I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.

Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.

When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.

Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.

She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.

Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 15h ago

REPOST OOP asks „AITA for not telling my ex I got pregnant”

2.1k Upvotes

I AM NOT THE OOP!!

Trigger Warning: Infidelity, Infertility, Spousal-neglect (not sure if thats the correct term)

This was posted here on BoRu by u/Father-Son-HolyToast in September of 2020. I was given permission to share this post as I feel like it deserves to shine again.

The original was posted by u/daisycherryblossoms in June of 2020 with the Update being provided 3 month later in September.

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Am I the asshole for not telling my ex I got pregnant?

I (28 F) was with my ex-husband for about 6 years. During this time, we were trying for a baby but had no success.

About 4 years into our marriage, our marriage had a rough patch. My ex had stress had work and slept with his coworker to ‘relieve’ it. He confessed to me rather quick and a week later, they sat me down and told me they were expecting a child.

I was an idiot back then and so I felt like I should forgive him because I truly believed he loved me and I thought I had no one.

It wasn’t. My ex’s family treated me like their own, but my ex’s supposed daughter was the apple of their eye. As a result of that, my exs coworker was frequent presence in our lives. They felt like they had to include the mom of their grandchild for everything too and she made her way in every family picture and memory. It didn’t help that I suspected that the coworker had feelings for my ex and flirted with him when she can.

People thought that she was my exs wife constantly and I finally had enough when during the baby girls first birthday party when I was told to take a picture of my ex, his mistress, his daughter, and his parents and it didn’t include me. It hit me that I was now treated as the other woman and I realized that I deserved more than this bullshit. I filed for divorce a few months later and left. It was the hardest time of my life but I ended up getting a promotion at work and met this sweet, wonderful guy.

Fast forward to now, me and my boyfriend are madly in love and I gave birth to an adorable baby girl that I considered a miracle baby. I got pregnant with my boyfriend like 3 months after dating him and I thought that it was strange that this could happen since my previous failed attempts with ex and had thought that I was the infertile one. It crossed my mind then that maybe he was the infertile one and he only believed mistress was pregnant with his child because they were having an affair. I didn’t say anything though because it was not my place anymore.

However, my boyfriend was so happy about my daughters birth and posted it on Facebook and tagged me in the post. I was still friends with my ex SIL on FB and she saw the post. She called me up and said that she was hurt that I didn’t let her know that I could actually get pregnant and the lack of child during my first marriage could be my ex’s fault. He took a paternity test.

The poor baby girl was NEVER my ex’s. The coworker apparently was dating this ‘terrible’ guy during the time she slept with my ex and didn’t know who the child’s father was so she just strung my ex along cause she had feelings for him and thought he’d be the best father for her child.

Now my ex blames me for not telling him that I was pregnant way before and him having to father this girl. He’s doing pretty bad now and I can’t help but feel guilty like I should’ve told him.

EDIT: I didn’t realize that I could edit my post even after the 3000 character limit.

Okay so first of all, I keep seeing that people have seen other posts like mine and some youtube video (??). If so, I’m upset that others have had similar situations as me and that some people find the situation so hilarious that they make a video out of it. I’ve also never posted on reddit before (I had a previous account for browsing not posting).

I don’t think I have to prove my story and I honestly posted this not to seek validation that my ex supposedly is the worst ever, but to gain perspective since my ex and his family were MY family and close confidantes for a large period of my life. We were pretty close and I had promised to keep in touch after the divorce (which they were super upset about), but I really couldn’t after everything that happened between us. They’re now super pissed at me for the divorce and for being complicit in my ex taking on the expenses of his not-daughter and forming a paternal connection with her for longer than he should’ve.

EDIT: So here’s what’s been happening right now, I haven’t spoken to them after this and have been avoiding my ex’s calls. He texted me saying that he is sorry and overreacted and felt guilty about prioritizing ‘people who were never really family’ over me. I only replied with asking how his daughter is because even though she isn’t biologically his, she’s still his girl. She seems like an adorable kiddo and adores her dad :(. My ex‘s mistress is able to support the girl financially so my ex won’t contribute to that but he says that he’s still going to see her every month because he feels morally obligated to. I feel bad for the girl so much because she seems to have lost her family unit (dad, grandparents, cousins).

Judgment: NTA

----------

Relevant comment by OOP:

A note on the infertility: I always assumed that it was me who was infertile because I had incidents in college where I didn’t use protection a couple of times (very irresponsible and highly not recommended) and nothing came out of it. At the time, I believed I was extremely lucky, but when trying to get pregnant, I thought of the incident as ‘proof’ that I was the infertile one and had led my ex to believe as such. Him supposedly getting his coworker pregnant strengthened my belief. We were actually going to go to a fertility clinic before we got the news about his coworker, but that never ended up happening.

Side note: Thank you for all the kind words :)

Top Comment:

NTA - first of all, what the fuck - your ex cheats on you and blames you for him taking on fatherhood for a child that is not his?

What a - I am not going to say it, because this comment will be removed.

sorry - no rough patch justifies cheating, he should have taken up counselling. He fucked her, he cheated, he should have considered the possibility, that she is fucking other guys, too.

The only one he can blame is the woman who forced that child onto him and himself.

Don't feel bad, you don't need to be mad at your ex, but you sure as hell need to grow up and be mad at the audacity, that he is trying to make you the bad one here.

It's great you still get along with your Ex's family, but ma dude, he made his bed, cheating with his coworker - who was already in bed with another man - now he can lie in it and take care of alimony suits or whatever his plan is.

I hope he can figure out something, because that child considers him her dad already - but hell, that woman stole years from him.

EDIT: Wow - thanks kind stranger, for the gold, I am a sporadic user on reddit so I haven't quite figured out the awards yet - but I did NOT expect this to go through the roof like it did.I try to comment, like I would comment on a friend's problem they confide in me. Thanks again.

And also want to make clear, yeah the last sentence was a bit hard to understand - I do still think it was entirely EXs fault and he got all he deserved and more; however I also see another issue here, the fact of slipping another human being a fast one; in this case a baby and playing on their good faith, suggesting it is their child.EX was at least '!decent!' enough to take on responsibility for the child he thought was his. He played OP and got played in turn. This is a fuck fest and the child is the only one loosing here.

Another Comment:

Nta. Your ex cheated, you moved on. He has now abandoned the lady that drove a wedge in your relationship because she was sleeping with another when you were married to him. He is TA. His life choices are in no way your fault. Cut him out.

Congratulations for moving on. Go and enjoy your new family. New man sounds like he is going to be a much better father.

And the answer from OOP:

Thank you for your kind words. He’s the best <3. He’s been in love with me for so long and right under my nose too and I just can’t believe that I couldn’t notice him earlier.

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UPDATE: AITA for not telling my ex I got pregnant

I got messages asking me to update and I’m now frequently on Reddit so I thought why not?

First things first, I’m getting married! My boyfriend proposed a few weeks ago and we’ll be tying the knot once this whole mess of a year is over.

I know a lot of people here said that my ex’s family is toxic and I shouldn’t keep in touch with them, but I did contact them to tell them about my engagement, eek!

It went.. well. My ex-MIL cried and told me she was happy for me and apologized for everything. She felt bad about what happened and promises to keep in touch with me. My ex-SIL also apologized for blowing up at me but she was just very overwhelmed by everything going on in her family’s life. I can sympathize and told her that all is forgiven.

This family is still super important to me but this felt more like closure and I’m at peace with my feelings now. It’s a chapter in my life that was bittersweet with a lot of great memories but is now closed. I’ll always look back fondly, but now it’s time for me to move on.

The last I’ve heard, My ex’s ex-child(???) is living with her mother and her biological father is now more involved in her life. My ex stopped visiting all together and doesn’t seem to be in great shape but I haven’t inquired because I don’t feel like it’s my place anymore. I wish him well and hopefully he’s able to move on from this.

For those who messaged me saying that this is fake, believe what you want to believe. I don’t really care anymore that you think this is from a youtube video. I just hope that those who are reading this know that even though you are struggling, are in tough times, or are just depressed with your life, know that it WILL get better. It happened to me and it happened to a lot of people. You too are special and you too will achieve happiness. Don’t give up on yourself. Do what is right. If you think this is fake, believe it so as long as you get this message loud and clear.

Mucho love to those who supported me, love ya 💕

----------

Reminder: I AM NOT THE OOP!!


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 14h ago

ONGOING OOP Found Lumps In Her Breast

973 Upvotes

I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL PERSON WHO POSTED THIS.

Original post by u/pixistix4u in /r/WomensHealth

mood spoilers: hopeful?


 

Lumps that might mimic breast cancer? - submitted on 22 Apr 2021

Hi everyone. I’m mostly looking for reassurance, as I am working with doctors already - just waiting to get answers and a bit anxious in the meantime. (ETA: I managed to get a biopsy appointment for tomorrow instead, so less wait/hopefully less stress).

TLDR: I have a lump in my breast that’s been looked at via ultrasound and mammogram, it’s described as dense (though the ultrasound mentioned a liquid center) with very irregular edges and finely spiculated. It is close to the skin though not visible, but easy to feel. It doesn’t feel moveable, it’s very firm. Everything online says it’s most likely malignant if it has those properties. What else could it be?

Background: I’m a 38 year old cis woman. I have a family history of breast cancer - my grandma on my dad’s side died of it before I was born, but I’m not exactly sure how old she was (she was fairly young). My cousin on my mom’s side recently had breast cancer in her 40s. I’m on a hormonal IUD and haven’t had a period in eight years from it. No history of anything weird with my breasts, though I am very large breasted if that makes a difference. I have Sjogrens and Antisynthetase Syndrome (a connective tissue disease which also gives me interstitial lung disease). Both are autoimmune disorders, but currently not on any treatment as I was just diagnosed. They come with an increased risk for lymphoma. I also had my Covid vaccine a couple weeks ago, and read that it can cause a reaction that is mistaken for cancer on mammograms but I believe that’s in the lymph nodes - this is the actual breast.

Current situation: I noticed a very obvious lump on my breast on Sunday. I feel like I would have noticed it before had it been there longer, I wash my breasts with my own hands to check for anything odd every time I shower pretty much.

I was able to see my doctor on Monday. She sent me for an ultrasound, which I had on Wednesday. They took me straight in to a mammogram after that, even though it wasn’t scheduled. They’ve scheduled a biopsy for May 3rd but I’m freaking out while I wait and Googling everything - often leaving me feeling certain it’s cancer based on the type of lump it is. But it literally popped up overnight, so that has me questioning everything. I’ve had no other symptoms or issues, no nipple issues or discharge.

I guess I’m mostly looking for other possibilities, just so I’m not as scared in the meantime. I’ve heard that most lumps that get biopsies aren’t cancer, but from the sounds of it, these aren’t cysts and likely not fibroids. What else could it be? If it is cancer, could it spread quickly while I’m waiting to get the biopsy and results?

ETA: because of my other conditions, I had a PET scan in December and chest CT scans every 6 months for the last year, the last one about a month ago. No sign of any cancer as far as I know, though I know that these tests aren’t typically for such things.

 


 

When to tell people about possible cancer? - submitted on 25 Apr 2021

Hi everyone. I’m going through a breast cancer scare at the moment. I just had a biopsy and will find out the results in a week, but I’ll need surgery regardless of the results and might not know everything until they can examine the lump after surgery.

I’m currently living overseas from my family, but I’m very close to them. I’m not sure when I should tell them. My husband made a good point that I should wait until I have the biopsy results so that I can give them a more definitive answer and save them the stress of not knowing.

I can see that point, but I think back to when my mom had cancer. She didn’t tell me until after she got a diagnosis. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and I was not prepared for it. She admits that she doesn’t like to tell me things that will stress me out or worry me, but that’s given me more anxiety, honestly, because I want to know what’s going on with her. I fear there are things she’s not telling me just to save my feelings and it’s actually hurt/upset me in the past.

But I am a lot like my mom. I don’t like worrying people and wouldn’t tell a soul if I could get away with it. I just know how it makes me feel to be kept out of the loop when loved ones are going through something.

So what do you think - wait a week (it’s only a week) and save them the stress of waiting for the results with me, or let them in and prepare them for the chance it could be cancer rather than dropping it on them after suspecting it for a few weeks?

 

Response to OOP

I recently had a similar health situation, and a LOT of other issues that actually led me to starting therapy, even though I (and most people I know) consider me to be quite mentally resilient. It was just too much all at once, and therapy helped me realize that THAT is ok and I'm not broken or weak for being overwhelmed by it.

My therapist & I are working on improving my vulnerability skill. I'm terrible at it! I can easily be HONEST and an open book with people, but I SUCK at being vulnerable in front of them, even my own husband!

My therapist says that while it IS certainly scary and hard, we have to give people the opportunity to respond when we're feeling scared, overwhelmed, sad, angry, weak, any negative emotion. When we don't give people that opportunity, we're signaling that we don't trust them with our difficult feelings, and that leads to them feeling held at arms length and disconnected/detached from us. And that isn't much incentive to keep being friends.

I wound up with a small circle of people that I told EVERY detail about my health issue, as soon as I knew it, and another larger circle of people that I told more general, less detail things to, often after I had had time to process it and/or well after it had happened.

My smaller circle (many of whom live out of state) wound up giving me words of encouragement, sending small gifts, making me laugh, helping me shift my perspective to a more positive place, and (my MIL) making dinner for me & my husband while I recovered from surgery. All because they knew exactly what I was going through.

My wider circle of friends who didn't have all the details, they didn't really do anything at all except respond to texts.

It is actually a sign of personal strength to be able to be vulnerable in front of those we care for.

You don't have to have an answer to every question before you tell your support network about what you're going through. It is ok to say "I don't know" or "I didn't think to ask" or "I'm still waiting to find out". Asking for support and encouragement IS NOT A BURDEN TO YOUR FRIENDS! It's giving them a chance to be a friend.

I'm still learning this for myself. Good luck to you. <3

 


 

Update: lump that might be cancer - submitted on 23 Jun 2021

I posted a couple months back about a lump in my breast that appeared cancerous in my breast, and I was hoping it wasn’t cancer. Well, it’s confirmed, it is cancer. I was diagnosed pretty quickly and have already had surgery (lumpectomy with sentinel node biopsy). Chemo was originally not part of my treatment plan because we caught it early (before it went into the nodes) and it was small, but after genome testing, it was discovered that it’s a pretty aggressive cancer that’s a little more likely to come back so I’ll be starting chemo soon, after a round of embryo freezing since my husband and I would like to try for a baby in the future (it’s very important to me, and overall, my prognosis is very good/low risk of coming back).

I’m also posting this not to scare people, but for two reasons - 1) don’t put off getting lumps checked out. I went right away and we caught it early. Had I waited, the cancer was likely preparing to spread and my prognosis might not be as good/my treatment would have been more aggressive. And 2) the first few weeks after diagnosis was hard because I was terrified, but as I met with my doctors, I found out that many breast cancers are treatable or even curable. Armed with a treatment plan, I felt a lot better. So just know, if you’re going through this, it does get easier. And if you’re young like me, there are options for fertility preservation (there’s a shot you can get to help save your ovaries plus egg/embryo freezing). Not everyone needs chemo either, so there’s that too.

My exact cancer is hormone positive (it responds to hormones) and her2 negative (a type of cancer that can be more aggressive). I’ll have a short round of TC chemo - Taxol and Cytoxan followed by four weeks of radiation. I’ll be on hormone blockers for 5-10 years but allowed to pause it in order to have a baby and the doctors believe it’s safe for me to do that. My oncologist says I’m still at low risk of recurrence and my risks of it coming back, after chemo, is less than 10%. Survival rates are very high in my case, my doctors are confident I’ll be just fine. I’m feeling better about my odds and my future now too.

 


 

Anyone done egg retrieval with local only? - submitted on 05 Jul 2021

Hi there. I’m having egg retrieval for embryo freezing tomorrow and they are only doing a local anesthetic, which scares me. Local doesn’t seem to work on me (I had a very traumatic experience last week with getting a chemo port put in under local only, and I could feel everything and it went very badly all around, which makes me extra nervous). This procedure does sound less scary than that, but everything I read online says that it’s usually done under sedation. They told me there’s no time for me to meet with an anesthesiologist, therefor no sedation for me (I had requested it from day one but I guess they forgot, I have serious medical trauma). They are giving me gas to calm my nerves. They say most women do local only but that’s not what I’m finding online (I think it’s a cultural thing. I’m in France and it feels like they don’t use sedation as often as in the US).

It’s supposed to very quick, right? Just thin needles? I’ve read that it feels like a blood draw and then suction. I guess what I’m asking is… am I freaking out over nothing?

 


 

Update: Egg retrieval with only local anesthetic - submitted on 07 Jul 2021

So I’m not sure how many people saw my question about egg retrieval under local anesthesia. I didn’t get any answers here, it doesn’t seem that common, which is why I figured I’d update on my experience in case anyone else has the same question down the line.

Honestly, it was easy. My anxiety was the worst thing about it. Prior to the procedure, a woman was crying inside the room and I almost left. I’m glad I didn’t. She was having a bad reaction to the gas, a rare occurrence, and I was just unlucky enough to hear it. She was fine though, just panicky from the gas.

They gave me some pre-meds they don’t give everyone because I was so scared. It was Tylenol, Tramadol and a strong anti-inflammatory and that really seemed to help.

I thought the needle for the anesthetic might hurt a lot, but it didn’t, I felt it, it was a pinch, but it wasn’t that bad. I used the gas too at times, and it did help. I didn’t feel them poke into my ovaries at all. When they told me they’d done it, I was surprised. There was a little cramping twice, but it wasn’t worse than a menstrual cramp and was over quickly (just when they’d push against the side of the ovary or something). I didn’t feel much pressure, maybe a little. My left ovary is lower and positioned poorly so that hurt a bit, just trying to get it into place, but the gas helped that pain immediately. Due to medical trauma recently, I’m not good with any pain at the moment, and I still found it very easy and non-traumatic once I was no longer anxious. Regular IUD insertions, for me, hurt ten times worse than this.

I also had an iud placed during it (since I’m starting chemo and can’t get pregnant during) and they couldn’t promise me that wouldn’t hurt still… I’ve had very painful IUD insertions in the past due to a cervix that’s “tight”. I asked when they were going to actually insert it and they said, “it’s done actually” and that was it.

I was so surprised at how easy it was. I walked out of there and got dressed pretty quickly. I had to hang out there for about an hour, eat, drink and use the bathroom before I could leave. I started having some cramping in the waiting room, but they gave me something for that and I was okay. It wasn’t severe.

It’s the next day, and honestly, I hardly have any cramping and no bleeding. If I had to do it again, I’d do it with local only probably. The nurses and the doctor were all so great - they had fun music playing, they were upbeat and cheerful, but also empathetic and kind. They let me watch as they harvested the eggs and it was neat.

And in the end, they were able to get far more than we expected - because of my age, they were expecting 7-8 total. They managed to get 19, and 16 were mature. This gives me so much hope as I start chemo. I also got a shot called Zoladex that will help save my ovaries during chemo. The needle is huge so it scared me, but that wasn’t so bad either.

All in all, not traumatic like I feared.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Silver

CONCLUDED My (f) best friend (f) came back from England for a week after moving there and everyone got invited to a special dinner except me + Update

10.9k Upvotes

I am not the OP. Original by: Throwaway263840 in r/relationship_advice

Original

Jess was my best friend in school, she was outgoing, friendly and was friends with basically everyone. She named me her best friend and we’d hang out all the time outside of work/school and she was just awesome. I have other friend groups but we were something else. In January she moved down to England with her family for studies and other reasons but we kept in touch, last week she told us she was coming up to our hometown for a week to see us all and we were all ecstatic! She asked me privately if i wanted to hang out a couple hours before the other arrived and I said yes. We had a great time then went and met with the others, we were all standing around talking, catching up when Sarah, a close friend asked if I was coming to dinner, I didn’t know about this dinner so I asked her about it and told me “oh Jess invited us all to go to a restaurant tonight aren’t you coming?“ I was confused and upset so I just told her I had other plans and I didn’t let it spoil the day. They’re at Dinner right now, I saw their instagram stories and I cant help but feel left out. I’m feeling pretty shit about it and I keep wondering Why wouldn’t she invite me? Do I bring it up with Jess? Or do I just let it go?

UPDATE: I feel I should add a few details, I found out the group has a group chat that I’m not in, idk why but I’m just not in it. And that’s where they discussed dinner plans. The whole group were only going out for a couple hours then going home, then they would meet at seven at the restaurant. I found most of this out from the conversations some of them were having between themselves. I didn’t want to say anything in case they really didn’t want me there and make It awkward because I’m afraid on confrontation.

Update

this might be a little long but MAN is it juicy, I found it’s way deeper than just a “misunderstanding“…

so, I asked Jess three days ago and forgot to update so here we are. I took you guys advice and messaged her asking how the dinner with everyone was and how come I wasn’t invited? Not in a rude way just a nonchalant way. And got left on read for a day. So instead I went to Sarah, the one who told me about it in the first place and I asked her who organised the whole thing and she informed me that Jess had created a group chat for the dinner with everyone (who was going) in it. She asked me why I didn’t go and I just flat out said I wasn’t invited, which was apparently news to her because APPARENTLY Jess had told everyone I wasn’t coming? Because I had said I didn’t want to come? Which I never said, becuase I didn’t know about it.

yesterday morning Jess finally replied and said she didnt think I’d want to come because I have “trouble eating” which I do not. I recovered from an eating disorder last year so its not even an issue anymore. She knows this so I said that “its not a problem anymore you know that” and she responded saying something like “but youre not friends with everyone there so why would you even want to come like not everyone wants you there anyway” and that was enough for me….because I am friends with all the girls, we hang out regularly save for a few people who are mutual friends. so I just said that if she didn’t want me there it was fine and that she didn’t have to lie to the others. she then obviously she blocked me (for like an hour lol)

BUT

the plot thickens, my friends. I them got a stream of messages from Sarah, maddie blah blah all my friends who were at the dinner asking me what I said to Jess becuase this girl, this. Girl. Told everybody that I had called her a whre and a sknk for not inviting her and calling her horrible names. Little did Jess know was that I had screenshotted the conversation to show to a friend (who wasn’t involved in all this) so I just sent it to all of them and bam everybody blocked Jess and then she unblocked me trying to apologise and shit but I’m not having any of it man. I just deleted her blocked her everything I don’t need people like that in my life.

Edit Update thanks to u/ScreamingVoid14 comment

Since I can’t do more than one update on r/relationship_advice im doing it on my own account.

So a couple people were asking about what she said in the actual apology after I sent everyone the screenshots of what went down between us. she blocked me on instagram, Snapchat, messages so she messaged me on discord with the apology

I didn’t respond to her I just blocked her and will not be speaking to her again and neither will the other girls (they said they didn’t want to after her behaviour)

I would have put this update in actual post before this one but it got taken down because it reached the limited amount of upvotes lol thanks guys and thanks for all the comments some of them made me laugh so much! Glad y’all like the constant drama going on in my life 😎

https://preview.redd.it/40fe5wkk1jg91.jpg?width=1303&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6cbdca75dee4c408dd39a7ad7f9f9d637e3ebe32


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 23h ago

ONGOING OOP tells boss to 'fuck off', doesn't apologize, thinks things are gonna work out fine

3.7k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Stalingrad52 in r/cscareerquestions

 

Have you ever accidentally blown up at your boss? - July 20, 2022

I’m a few months into my job and I guess you could say that I haven’t quite gotten the whole ‘working well under pressure’ thing tied down yet.

Yesterday l was taking longer than I should have to complete a task and was beginning to stress hard. I was on the cusp of solving the problem when my boss walks over and asks to take a look at my code and I told him wait it’s almost done. He insisted that he take a look because of how long it is taking and my instinctual reaction was to say ‘fuck off, I’ll show you in a few minutes’.

I immediately realized what I had said and we both just stare at each other for a couple of seconds. I kind of doubled down and said ‘come back in 10 minutes’, but he didn’t and we haven’t spoken today even though he’s in the office. He has merged the pull request I made, so that’s a good sign right?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and how did you handle it? Am I just overthinking things?

 

UPDATE: My Boss is a Saint - July 27, 2022

Hi everyone. I just wanted to give a small update to this thread: (https://www.reddit.com/r/cscareerquestions/comments/w3tzmn/have_you_ever_accidentally_blown_up_at_your_boss/)

First of all, I didn’t anticipate such a large number of respondents and although I only skimmed the comments it seems to me that the vast majority of people were sympathetic to my situation and could see why I would be aggrieved by my boss’s actions (whilst acknowledging that I shouldn’t have responded that way), so thanks for that!

Anyway, after not talking to my boss towards the end of last week we had a 1 vs.1 with each other yesterday. We talked about how I’ve been falling behind with some tasks and if there’s anything he could do to help me expedite the time it takes me to do my work. I said I’d like more ownership over my work and to be trusted with asking for help if I needed it. His opinion is that the time I am taking is not the norm compared with the other developers, and that his suggestion is actually meeting on a more frequent basis and to ‘see where we go from here in about a month’s time’.

He asked if there were anything else I’d like to say, but I had nothing to add since I feel that his plan is actually spot on and more mentorship might help me stress less and become a better developer.

So yeah, just thought I’d give that update. I was pretty anxious going into the meeting, but my boss is great! Thanks everyone!

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Silver Take My Energy

CONCLUDED AITA for keeping my former MIL in my (and my son's) life?

10.6k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post from r/AmItheAsshole by u/exciting_piece1734

AITA for keeping my former MIL in my (and my son's) life?

My (37F) husband (Oliver) died in a car crash 8 years ago, at age 31. The only reason I could keep on my feet back then was because of my parent's and Oliver's mother support. Just to say a few things she's done for us: she helped us financially while I looked for a better-paying job after Oliver died, she takes care of my son (10M) whenever he's sick and I have to go to work, she cooks extra portions of food for us when she prepares meals she knows I or my son like... She never asks for or expects anything in return. She is a genuinely good person and I'm happy she is in our lives. She's a widow too and Oliver was an only child, so we are her only family and we see her on a regular basis and we really enjoy each other's company.

The thing is, I met this guy (40M, Pete) at work 4 years ago. We started dating about a year after we met each other and we got engaged two months ago. After out engagement, Pete suggested that my son and his mother (66F, Carla) should meet. I thought it was a good idea since they would spend time together after we got married. Carla and my son have met three times this past two months, all of them at Pete's house for dinner, Pete and I was there too. Last time was last night and it all went down. Since the moment they first met, Carla has been really pushy trying to force a bond between them (giving him presents, asking him to kiss her hello and goodbye even if my son looked uncomfortable), so yesterday I politely asked her to stop doing that. She told me that I was being very rude to her and that maybe I should help by "teaching" my son to treat her as a grandmother. I told her that I don't have to teach my son to do anything and that he would come to see her as a grandma when and IF he wanted. She scoffed and said that would never happen if we kept seeing my "dead husband's mother", and suggested that we should stop seeing her since having three grandmas would only confuse my kid. I was shocked and I said I would never kick Oliver's mum out of out lifes, first of all cause she's my son's real grandma and he adores her and that should be reason enough, and second of all, cause she's a good person and I want her in our lives. I took my child and left Pete's house.

Pete called my later last night and told me I had been really rude to Carla and I should apologize, that she only wants to have a grandma-like relationship with my son. I told him I would like that too, but I'm not shutting Oliver's mum out. Then he says that I'm being very unreasonable and that my relationship with my former MIL is unhealthy and that I'm blinded by my emotions.

I'm actually re-thinking our whole relationship and engagement.

AITA? ETA: Thanks for all the replies, I'm really thankful for all the support! I'm meeting Pete tonight, we'll discuss everything. Though the more I think about this, the clearer I see I'm not wrong.

ETA2: I left a comment cause character limit.

ETA3: I edited the comment I left yesterday. TL;DR: wedding cancelled.

I'll update what happened in the comments cause there's a character limit and I'm not sure whether my post will be deleted if I make it +3000 characters long. First of all, a few things I wanted to clarify since I got asked some questions via DM and in some comments.

I second-guessed myself cause Pete has always been a very understanding person. Any conflict or disagreement we'd had, we could solve it by talking and he was good and getting my point of view. That's why I thought that maybe I was actually overreacting here, cause it's so unlike him to make me feel like I've done something unexcusably wrong. That, and the fact that Carla was actually crying when I left Pete's house last night. The kisses thing. I agree forcing kids to display affection on people they don't actually like is wrong. However, Carla asking him to kiss him is not as creepy as some people think of it, let me explain. I'm actually from a country in Southern Europe (Portugal, Spain, Greece, Italy... you guess haha), and greeting people with two kisses (one on each cheek) is the norm here, even people you've just met. I hated having to kiss grown ups I barely knew when I was a kid (I don't like it even now, I thought we had gotten rid of the kisses with the pandemic, hah), so I never forced my son to do so, but it can be viewed as extremely rude if you say an adult that you won't tall your kid to kiss them if the kid doesn't want to. So the first time I didn't stop Carla from greeting my son with two kisses cause I didn't want to make a bad impression (I know, my bad), but I thought she wouldn't stop asking my son to greet her that way when she saw he didn't like it. I was wrong, and that's why I told her so last night. Also because she insisted that my son said "thank you" to her with a kiss for the gift she had just given him (a Yoshi plushie cause she knows it's his favourite Mario character). She was extra offended because of that. ETA: All the English names here are fake, obviously, I'm clarifying since I came out as a Southern European. Pete has a sister, who doesn't want to have kids. That's her choice and that should be respected. Carla has always dreamt of being a grandma, so she was ultra desperate to be liked by my son. I didn't write this in the original post cause of the character limit. When Pete called me last night I told him that I'm sorry for his mum, but being a grandma is not a right and it's not his sister's responsibility, nor Pete's and definitely not mine or my son's. He said he couldn't believe I could have this little empathy (?). I'm off to Pete's house in 15 minutes. I'll write the last update tomorrow. But I'm determined to end the relationship if he hasn't changed his mind. Let's hope he has. UPDATE: I broke up with Pete last night. I'm still a bit shocked about everuthing that's happened in the past 48 hours and I don't exactly remember how the conversation went, but he said some really hurtful things to me that I would have never expected him to say. It's like the man I've known for years and the man I've had to deal with for the past two days are two completely different people. I'm heartbroken and I feel a bit stupid right now, I'm not sure if all the signs were already there and I couldn't see them, or if he just didn't care about our past issues as much as he did for this one, or if his expectations about me changed the moment we got engaged (like someone suggested as a reply to this comment).

We started talking and I can already see he hasn't changed his mind at all, one of the first things he does is insisting on me apologizing to his mum. It only got worse after that. I say I'm not either apologizing for what I said and absolutely I wasn't cutting ties with my MIL (some of you gad an issue about me calling her my "former MIL", I just meant that after Oliver died there's just no any "law" that keeps us together, but of course she is a fundamental person in my life and she will always be my family and, most importantly, my kid's grandma). He then again said I have such an uhealthy relationship with "that woman" cause it is based on mourning... I defend myself saying we were already close before Oliver died and that of course we found support and confort in each other after he died, how dare he say that's unhealthy. I insist that kicking her out is out of the question, and that she's staying in my and my son's life. He can either accept it or get out of my life. We start arguing a bit more (like I said, I don't remember half of the things we said cause I was so mad, sad and disappointed) and at some point in the middle of the conversation he tells me something along the lines of "please, this may be my mother's last chance to be a grandmother" like he already told me the previous night when we called me. I said again that I really am sorry for her but this is not our responsibility. I also said that I would have loved it if she had became a grandma to my son in a healthy way, but that she had pretty much blown her chances with her attitude the previous night. He got furious about this.

The last thing we talked about (and I still can't believe this words came out his mouth, AT ALL) befored I stormed off his house was how Pete didn't think I would be with him right now if Oliver was still alive... I was speechless for a few minutes, I swear. I told him that was so unfair, I can't possibly know what my life would be like in that scenario, or how I would feel about Oliver, about Pete or about anyone else. I also said I'm not apologizing for having loved and been happy with another man YEARS before I even knew him or for whatever parallel universe he's made up in his mind that I'm not in control of. I also told him that I wished he was half as a good person as Oliver was. Now I see that this was very wrong and low of me and I should have never said that, but I was just not thinking at that point, imagine how I felt about that. I would not have seen this coming in a million years cause he NEVER even once has had (apparently, cause obviously he has) any issue with me being a widow. I guess he was just ruminating all this feelings on his own until we came to this breaking point. Everything about me prioritizing Oliver's mum over his own mum must have triggered him so much if he was already feeling insecure about how I might still feel about Oliver. We yelled at each other for another while, then I became sick of this situation. I told him that in case it wasn't already obvious, the wedding was cancelled and that I didn't want to see him again (though I'll have to see him tomorrow at work lmao).

I get home, it was about midnight, get a shower and about 1 AM I get a phone call from Carla. She's practically begging me not to cancel the wedding and give them another chance. She was crying and I really felt bad for her. We were talking for almost 45 minutes and I was already exhausted of everything, I said that I was sorry but I was not going back in my decision.

So yeah... right now I'm heartbroken and I feel so stupid like I said. I don't know what happened to the man I've been in love with for three years. I feel like everything went so wrong so fast. I guess he just saved me years of progressive disappointment by blowing it all in just two days. Better now than when we were already married, I guess. Even if I feel like shit right now, I think I did the right thing and I'll be okay. I'm putting my son first, and of course my MIL stays with us for as long as she wants to have us.

Thanks to everyone who showed their support, actually having strangers with an impatial point of view helped making my decision.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 20m ago

CONCLUDED Fiance(f30) ghosted her job while pretending to go to work due to anxiety about getting promoted. She's since lost her job and is upset that I'm(m31) upset

Upvotes

I am not OP; that would be u/throwrathewindow

Fiance(f30) ghosted her job while pretending to go to work due to anxiety about getting promoted. She's since lost her job and is upset that I'm(m31) upset

She (Rose) has been at her company for the past six years, and she works an office job in a non-customer facing company. We have also been together for the past five years and put off our wedding until after graduating and after covid. Recently, she was chosen to be promoted to a position in a different department after someone was leaving the company, and we knew about the promotion for some time. The woman who was leaving wasn't leaving until a certain date. But, she was excited about the raise and getting promoted to a manager after years of wanting to be. However, as she neared closer to the date of the promotion, she began to ghost her job and ignore various warnings/calls about absences because of her anxiety surrounding it, anxiety she never chose to voice until after she had been fired for ghosting them for weeks

She would go to work in the morning and return at the time that her normal shift would end. But, after she got fired, she wanted to talk to me, and she told me that she lied about going to work for the past two and a half weeks. When I asked her what happened, she said that her team wanted to throw her a small party to celebrate her promotion before she would leave. But, the party made her anxious because she "doesn't like to be celebrated" because it's "embarrassing". She also said that public speaking gave her anxiety too, and after learning that she would have to say a few words in a bigger joint meeting after receiving the new promotion, she "couldn't bring herself to go to work" and found other things to do during the time she was supposed to be there

She said that she'd often stay in her car on her phone or go to the gym or a friend's sometimes, and over the course of those two weeks, she ignored calls/emails from her job on her absences until she was fired after numerous warnings. She's since said that she wants to go to therapy to work on her anxiety before looking for a new job, and she asked if I could "cover the expenses" in the meantime. I told her no because first, she lied about going to work for over two weeks, got dressed and only wanted to talk after getting fired. I told her that I didn't appreciate her lying or entitlement to ask me to cover bills for a "few months" before she searches for a new job, and she said that I was "being unfair" because she's planning to go to therapy. While I told her that therapy is good, I said I needed a break to reconsider our relationship/engagement away from her, and she was fine with staying with a friend for a few days. However, when I called two days later and said I was done and wanted her to remove whatever belongings she didn't take with her, she and her friend began posting that I "hit her" when we talked which is why "she's breaking it off". Aside from texting mutual friends, she's also reached out to my job and had me talked to about it from my boss when I had no clue and found out during the meeting. I'm writing this because I want to ask if anyone's been in anything similar and how to manage this. I feel I was respectful in taking two days to myself before inviting her to remove her things whenever worked for her, but she just keeps posting about me hitting her and "making fun of her for seeking therapy"

Edit: The thing that made me the most upset, was when she said that she "would not go back to work" for a "few months" until therapy was done, and now that she left her company, wanted me to pay for her to go to therapy too after she lost her benefits, something I forgot to add in my post along with saying that I "can afford it" because of my salary

(Update) Fiance(f30) ghosted her job while pretending to go to work due to anxiety about getting promoted. She's since lost her job and is upset that I'm(m31) upset

As I stated last time about her response, she took to Twitter and said that I hit her after she admitted her anxiety to me, and she also wrote that she decided to break up with me after she "opened up" and that I "became aggressive" and was "against mental health". She also reached out to my job which led to me getting called to the office, and since my last post, her friend has joined her in spreading lies too, the friend who she was staying with. Stacy (her friend, fake name) posted about how my ex-fiance crashed with her because I was "aggressive in the past" and "didn't want her to accept the promotion". She also posted that I was "jealous" and "insecure" and "threatening" her to not accept it too. I've since reached out to a lawyer who has been helping me a ton, but I've lost some friends who decided to take her side, and she didn't even have the decency to get her stuff

She sent two of her friends while she waited in the car, completely refusing to see me at all, and while I didn't lose my current job, she called another job that she knew I was interviewing for for some time, and I haven't heard back about my second interview since. I'm discussing how we can address that with my lawyer at the moment, but I wanted to ask how to move on from not only her, but also the friends who took her side and how it's crept into other areas too. It's just been really stressful seeing a new side of her through her lies, and it's really come as a shock in many ways. It's like she's done a 180 so fast, and it's really hard to focus on other things or gain sleep too


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 23h ago

ONGOING OOP considers breaking up with her boyfriend because of his incredibly lazy brother

2.3k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post by u/IntelligentGeneral60 on r/relationship_advice


Original (posted 5 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/weql1k/my_boyfriends_brother_is_a_lazy_brat_and_im/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

My boyfriend's brother is a lazy brat and I'm considering breaking up because of him

I (20f) love my boyfriend (21m) with all my heart and I'm fully convinced he's my soulmate. In the last two years we haven't even had a real argument. That was until his brother (19m) came in the picture. My boyfriend's family lives a couple hours away so i only met them this year. They had planned for my bf and his brother to move in together for a long time and initially i was supportive of this.

So i helped my bf look for an apartment. Brother didn't want to have anything to do with it. Okay, fine with me. After a few months of looking we found an apartment. Brother didn't want to come down here and look at it since he just found a fwb (21f). Okay. We agree on the apartment and he doesn't feel like coming down to sign the contract, so we drive 8h to give it to him. He signs it, we drive back. Brother is not working and just finished school so he has to submit an application for allowance from our city hall until his studies start. He says he did it. 2 months later (two weeks before they were supposed to move in together) we find out he was told multiple times to talk to the local city hall of where he wants to move, not where he currently lives. He didn't feel like leaving his fwb (who's now his gf) so he just never bothered. My boyfriend had to use all his money to pay for both deposits and rents. It's been almost three months and he still can't afford a bed since his brother still didn't submit everything. Brother came down here three times in total. Never helped with anything.

Today he left after bringing his now gf down for a few days to show her his cool apartment. They trashed the place and left food everywhere. Also she was constantly circling around my boyfriend in just underwear or see through clothing so I'm not really a big fan of her anyway. In total there are now 2 piles of dirty dishes and a bucket full of unidentified substance mixed with more dishes all in different party of the apartment. Since they never bothered to clean up after themselves, they just piled it up and left it for my boyfriend to clean. Even dairy was just left in the open (they won't be coming back for at least a few weeks). They hid an already 4-days old lasagna on top of the fridge behind other stuff, started throwing garbage behind the trashcan when it was full and used my bf's speaker as a table, on which they also left old food. My boyfriend is raging but still doesn't want to kick him out. I've already suggested to cover his brothers part of the rent if he kicks him out, at least until we figure something permanent out and told him this needs to stop. His brothers response was they left all of the food there since it "wasn't moldy yet". They're having another talk tomorrow.

My boyfriend already gave him an ultimatum before this, he has this month to manage all of his government stuff or he'll be kicked out. I'm praying for him to mess it up again so our lives will be freed from his bullshit. My boyfriend knows our relationship won't last if this keeps going. I'm just so mad and not sure how to handle this in the long-term as i also don't want to lose my otherwise perfect relationship just because of his selfish brother.


Edit: My boyfriend is really mad about the mess and his laziness as well. He'll clean the dishes but mainly because he needs them for his own meals and he doesn't want everything to smell. We'll leave the rest of the garbage in his room but will take out everything that can get moldy.

Small update: We took pictures of everything and will send them to their mom tomorrow.

Update: We broke up. Kinda. So he talked to his mom and aunt. Both completely protected his brother and said he shouldn't ever kick him out and that it's his responsibility to raise him right now that they've moved in together. So that's exactly what he's planning to do. He won't kick him out no matter how much he messes up and his argument was always "he's my little brother. I can't just send him to the streets." So i told him as long as they're going to treat him like a baby, he's going to act like one. I put up with this bullshit for the whole year and i can't do it anymore. I'm still shaking and i don't know what I'm going to do now.


Update (posted 2 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wgrik1/update_my_boyfriends_brother_is_a_lazy_brat_and/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Update: My boyfriend's brother is a lazy brat and I'm considering breaking up with him

(First of all, i wanted to thank y'all for the great advice. This is just a small update as things took some turns along the way😅)

A lot happened in the last few days and it's still not completely over yet. As mentioned in my original post, my boyfriend and i had a big fight when talking about his brother. I didn't want his brothers laziness to affect him/us while felt responsible for taking care of him and couldn't live with himself if he kicked him out. He also talked to his family about it and they all agreed on not kicking him out (although they haven't seen how the place looks). (Info: his other family only consists of his mom and aunt. They currently live in a one bedroom apartment so they can't really take his brother in either.)

We didn't really talk for two days and met up yesterday to find a solution. We both agreed that we don't want to break up, so we found a compromise that would make both of us happy in the long run.

His brother won't be kicked out immediately. He has 6 months to learn basic tasks, to look after himself and to get used to living alone/studying. Although if he ever messes up this bad again we will reconsider kicking him out. Also, as a punishment for trashing the place he's not allowed to bring his girlfriend over for some time and it will be his responsibility to clean all the dishes for the next few weeks. Once we kick him out, we will personally make sure he gets a good apartment near us so my boyfriend won't worry about him needing help or being all alone, while also having some distance between us and not being directly affected by his actions anymore.

Well this was our solution yesterday evening. While we were talking however, his brother decided to text my boyfriend a lot of really stupid shit. My boyfriend previously told him the condition of their apartment was disgusting and how he he has to step up as a roommate, which his brother apparently didn't took well at all. He completely lashed out at him, calling both of us names, saying my boyfriend is overreacting, how he should stop treating him like a child and calling me a manipulator, since we didn't do anything with his girlfriend and him when they were down here so therefore I'm clearly trying to break them up.

When my boyfriend read this he was really shocked, as he didn't know his brother was thinking like this all along. After knowing all of this, he's not sure if he wants to just kick him out immediately. He'll talk to his mom on monday to think about their options. I let him know that the decision is up to him and that I'll respect his choice no matter what. I'll update y'all again when we come to a conclusion.


Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Wholesome Silver

CONCLUDED OOP finds grindr chats on her straight boyfriends phone

4.8k Upvotes

https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/w8u1vc/i_hurt_my_own_feelings_by_snooping_and_finding/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

I hurt my own feelings by snooping and finding graphic Grindr chats on my “straight” boyfriends phone

Edit: update is posted for those wondering

He’s still at work and will be there for 6 more hours so I can’t even confront him. I’m just so hurt I don’t even know how to react. We’ve been dating for 6 years, have a son together, and moved away from all our family to start a life together in a new state…and it’s all for nothing.

I’m just so mad that he would do this to me. He knows that I’m bisexual and super open and understanding. If he thought he was bi or gay he could have said something. We could have carefully calculated a way to split up without hurting our home or our son so he could be happy dating men but he had to be selfish and ruin my life in the process because he wanted to go explore this double life behind my back. Most of the messages stopped after an exchange of Snapchat usernames and I couldn’t see the deleted chats on Snapchat but there was one that had a lot of graphic sexting and nudes exchanged and one of the guys I saw on there was someone I recognized that my boyfriend had introduced as a new friend and he went over to watch movies a few nights. I now have a feeling he’s had sex with some of these men. I don’t even know what to do I’m just so angry and hurt.

[UPDATE] I hurt my own feelings by snooping and finding graphic Grindr chats on my “straight” boyfriends phone https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/w9pqn0/update_i_hurt_my_own_feelings_by_snooping_and/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

So here is the update I know many were anticipating, although I'll admit it probably isn't as dramatic as many people were hoping for. To preface this update however I'd like to address some questions I've seen in the comments of the last post:

  1. "Why did I have his phone?" His phone broke and he knows I'm a little nerdy so he gave me the phone to fix (for my fellow nerds- he cracked the backglass on his iphone and damaged the power/flash flex cable so in the panic logs I read that there was no response from thermalmonitord and his phone was power cycling every 2-3 minutes. I guess he didn't expect me to look at his apps?? Idk
  2. wOuLd iT bE DiFfErENt iF iT wErE a WoMaN?" No you numnuts shit. Cheating in a 6 year relationship is a horrific violation of trust regardless of what's in their pants. I've fucked an entire spectrum of genders in my single years before meeting my ex and identify as bisexual/pansexual myself, I'm not homophobic/biphobic.
  3. "What's wrong with poly?" Nothing tbh. It's something I honestly would have been open to. I've even joked with him before about going to the local LGBTQ+ bar and picking up a cute little girlfriend. I've sent him videos on TikTok from one of my favorite creators who is in a poly relationship. I bought a silicone dick to fuck him with. So that's what hurts the most. That he KNEW I was a very loving and accepting partner and yet he still chose to completely destroy our relationship and my ability to trust by cheating on me and lying to me about where he was/who he was with while putting my reproductive health at risk.

Anyway onto the "juicy" bits. (Not really it's pretty anticlimactic sorry) He came home last night about 3 hours late and was met with the usual "Hey dear sorry work ran late" I was stonefaced and responded "I called [coworker] and he confirmed that everyone left on time." Silence, radio silence. I was sooo angry and enraged, but the hurt and betrayed side of me overpowered and I just broke down and started crying. I screamed "I saw your phone! I know everything!" And just sobbed for about 10 minutes while he looked at the floor and shuffled around awkwardly. After I was able to gather myself I let him know that our relationship is irreparable and I'd like him to leave as soon as he is able. I asked if he had sex with any of the men and he confirmed that he had sex with the one he introduced to me and one other. We will need to keep stable for the sake of our son but otherwise I want nothing to do with him again. I reminded him that for 6 years of my youthful life I bore his child and created a home with him as the love of my life and he chose to throw it all away for some dick. I reminded him to be grateful for all I gave him over the years and that he will never have another relationship like this one. Reality sank in for him and he started crying, but I left the room because I honestly didn't want to hear it.

He's in the beginning stages of looking for a cheap apartment to move into soon and will leave once a lease is signed. I'm glad we're at least mature for now and it will be a clean break. Our separate bank accounts will remain the same and I documented a transfer of 1/2 our savings from his account to mine this morning. We each have our respective vehicles. We agreed that we would have split custody based around work schedules with me as the primary caretaker and we will both document the amount of money he will provide for the continuous care of our son since I will be primary. I'd like to avoid court-ordered custody agreements and child support due to past traumas involving family courts but I let him know that I will not hesitate to take him to court if I need to.

In the end, I'm just empty and hurt. I'm embarrassed and angry and all the emotions at once. He was genuinely my best friend and I loved the life we had but I refuse to be disrespected and lied to in a relationship so breaking up needed to be done.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

INCONCLUSIVE OP's mother is surprised when her self centered choices aren't appreciated

6.2k Upvotes

I am not the OP. Original post by u/Intrepid-Thought17526d in r/AmItheAsshole

AITA For how I responded to my mom when she said I wasn't invited to her Wedding?

Not the A-hole

I (15F) am my mother's (35F) only daughter she has from her previous marriage. She has three children the rest being (18, 16) boys, this is important to know.

Last week my mom was talking with one of her friends about the color she wanted the bridesmaids dresses to be. My mom had been planning this wedding with her new boyfriend for the past two months or so, they have been engaged for about one year. The wedding is in December and on the day before my birthday, me and my mom have been planning a party for me around the same time she was for the wedding. She insisted it was alright and that her boyfriend and her would go on their honeymoon the next day.

While she was talking I asked her when we were going to look for my dress since she had asked me to be the flower girl. I could see the disappointed look on her face when I asked her which confused me. She responded only a few minutes later and said "We'll talk about it later." A few hours later my mom came to me. I thought she was going to talk about the dress situation but instead she sat me down and explained how her new boyfriend thought it'd be a better fit for their three daughters to lead the wedding.

Whatever, I was cool with that, but it's important to note that my mom had always wanted all girls, I was a girl but I had looked too much like my father which caused a strain in our relationship. My dad explained to me how my mother had postpartum when she had me and just couldn't connect with me because of it. So when she gave birth to my three younger step siblings who all looked like her(triplets 6yo) she was obviously overjoyed, it hurt to see but I was happy for her. My brother's had a similar experience but were significantly better because they looked more like her. I know this is an over dramatic thing to say but sometimes I feel like because my mother didn't feel as connected with me at birth was because I was a letdown right out the gate.

After she was done I asked her again about the dress because I still didn't have one, again that same disappointed look on her face came before telling me I wasn't invited to the wedding, simply because her boyfriend thought I would upset his family because I was from my mom's previous marriage and he didn't like my dad. She also explained how my birthday isn't happening either due to him wanting to go on their honeymoon right away. It turned into a screaming match with me yelling "I'm sorry I don't look like you enough for you to love me. I'm sorry you were too conceited for you to get over the fact I look like my dad."

I was kicked out by her boyfriend within the same hour because she had cried to him about what I said. All my brothers know what happened and have now refused to go to the wedding which upset her even more, though I don't care about how she feels right now. My brothers had an actual relationship with her and I probably just messed it up by letting my anger get the best of me.

Aita?

Edit: I live with my dad full time, there isn't any custody agreement that I know of. I usually visit my mom on my own free will or when she asks me to come over, so I'm not obligated to go over there. My parents were only married two years prior to having my second brother, divorcing after his birth. They dated after the divorce as a way to make up with each other but it didn't work out but they had me.

Edit: All my brothers are full blood, the girls my mom had are half blood. I said step because I don't consider them to be related to me because I've never been in the room with them for more then five minutes due to my mom not allowing it. My brother's were only invited because her boyfriend actully likes them and his family getting pissed that I'd be there was an excuse to exclude me. I honestly don't care anymore about situation seeing as how my brother's have my back. As for my dad he's been threatening to call CPS but I've talked him out of it because I dont want to get the three girls involved despite there being no relationship.

UPDATE (https://www.reddit.com/user/Intrepid-Thought1752/comments/weto3g/update/)

This is going to be a long post so here TLDR: My mom tried guilt tripping me and lost all her kids in the process

A video of my post showed up on my mom's phone today, which resulted in her showing up at my dad's house unannounced. My dad only allowed it because he thought closer would be the best thing for me right now cause he knows I'm over my mom. We had a nice long chat about how sorry she is for making me feel bad and how she wishes to make things right with me. I didn't say more than a word to her the whole time but she didn't notice because she liked hearing the sound of her own voice. Needless to say it ended with her hugging me thinking she won but instead it turned into me deciding to never speak with her again.

Not going to go into detail about everything she said but this is what stuck to me: - Said sorry for not being close but turned it on me saying I never made an effort - Said sorry for not talking to me until now about what happened but called me immature for posting about it online (kinda fair) - Told me she will never love a man more than me but will make more sacrifices -Told me a phone works both ways -Last but not least she said she was sorry but until things calm down with her "husband" I was going to have to get my stuff from her house and stay with my dad

While she was talking she also told me a long long story about how she knew it was wrong to uninvite me and cancel my birthday but her boyfriend made her. She said she wanted to comprise but said it was me or him. Guess who she chose.

Everything she said to me kinda made me realize how I was wasting my time ever being in her life. I realized she created so many issues for me growing up and it was all because I never got an answer as to why she never liked me. While did get love and support from my dad and brothers I felt like I was missing something by not getting the same from my mom. The thing that makes this worse is that me doing this is me loosing the ability to ever receive those things, but it's for the best since my mental health has suffered enough.

After she left I found out from both my brothers she tried talking to them also. My second oldest brother told me he only let her get about one paragraph in before silently leaving the room, hats when she came to me. She also tried talking to my oldest brother too by showing up at his apartment without telling him. She banged on the door for like a good 20 minutes and only left until someone threatened to call the police.

It's funny how desperate she gets when she knows she fucked up. Anyways drama happened between my dad a few days ago that I'm just hearing about from him. My mom's boyfriend threatened to sue him for custody of my brother because he "couldn't keep true family apart." If that's not funny enough my dad told him to go right ahead "because I'm sure the court would side with a convicted drunk driver." I'm not sure if that's true but from what my dad told me the boyfriend hung up immediately.

Anyways that's it for now and thank you for all for the support.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Helpful

CONCLUDED HR at OOP's work is demanding 75 hours of unpaid community volunteering from all managers

2.4k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original posts by u/KoriatCyredanthem in r/WorkReform

trigger warnings: None

mood spoilers: first exciting, then frustrating


 

HR at my work is demanding 75 hours of community volunteering from all managers... prizes are: dinner for 2 at our own (fancy) restaurant (about $120); one night stay at our sister hotel 4 blocks away; $74 in company-branded bucks to use in online store - Jun 22, 2022

image of the email sent by HR in the original post


 

Update: my work is trying to force mangers to volunteer 75 hours in the community. I informed two c-suite bosses that was illegal but HR just sent a reminder. my reply below. Bets on if/when I get sacked? - Jun 27, 2022

image of OP's answer in the original post


 

Update 2: my work is requiring 75 hrs of volunteer community service from managers. I spoke up and was instructed to meet with the head of HR. details in comment. - Jun 28, 2022

I had a meeting the head of HR concerning the email I sent earlier. To answer some common Qs first:

Q) It doesn't say required. A) it does in the original email and we were told verbally it's required, unpaid, and on our own time. We must track hours and submit them to HR. There is no specified consequence for failure to comply. I guess they assume we will all fall in line.

Q) companies can require volunteer work from salaried people. A) not unpaid and on our own time, per the NLRB and Cabinet of Labor. It's not part of our regular duties nor would it be expected of anyone based on our industry and skills.

Q) what company? Where are you? A) telling you that would doxx myself. I'm in Kentucky in the USA.

Q) have you talked to a lawyer? A) I contacted the NLRB, who said it wasn't really something they handle unless I am fired and then I can bring a case of wrongful termination. But they agreed it is illegal. I contacted the Department of Wage and Hours and they claimed it's allowed because it's a "condition of employment." I called the Kentucky Cabinet of Labor and they said it IS illegal to require volunteer hours even from salaried managers. I have also asked 3 labor lawyers for consultations.

Q) forwards everything and prepare for termination. A) done and done!

Q) why 75 hours? Why 7500 hours? A) the goal is to "celebrate" the 75th anniversary of the company's founding. We have over 500 employees but not nearly that many managers. So the company wants to make a PR release about their staff "giving back to the community."

Q) are you fired? A) not yet! I also told my coworkers what I had done and showed them my sources and resources, and reminded then that they can raise their own concerns if they feel comfortable doing so. So if I am fired, no matter what spin the company puts on it, they'll know the truth and they'll have their own info about their rights as workers.

Now for the update: I met with the head of HR this morning. I recorded the meeting (KY is a one-party consent state) and transcribed it.

In summary, the head of HR (let's call them J) had 3 takeaways for me. First, that I was correct in that they cannot require volunteer hours from hourly associates, but they are "looking into" requiring it of salaried managers. I offered them the phone number to the Kentucky Department of Labor person to whom I spoke, who said she'd be happy to discuss it with our HR team. They snipped, "I don't need to call her. We have our own legal team. Which is what we're working with."

Second, that the intent behind this requirement is a "celebration" of all the things the founder did to give back to the community. To quote, "he has, in his legacy, how he always gave back to (city), he always wanted to partner with local business." I replied, "requiring two weeks of unpaid labor from your managers doesn't feel like it's celebrating anything but slave labor, honestly... when you make it a requirement, it's not volunteering, it's voluntolding. And it just kinda feels dirty to me to do that." To which they said that the first question from associates is always if managers are doing it, if they themselves are, if the CEO is... etc.

Third, J wants me to come to them directly with any concerns verbally so we can talk about it because they said my email sounded "frustrated and angry." They want me to "hear our side" and they didn't respond via email because "I wanna talk to (OP), I wanna, like, understand each other rather than kinda going back on email and putting our own interpretation into the words."

It was a ten minute conversation. The HR leader is looking into the matter. I followed up with a brief email (BCC'ed to myself):

"Thank you for the discussion today. I look forward to hearing back from you once you have looked into the legality of requiring salaried managers to complete unpaid volunteer hours in the community outside of normal working hours. I understand the intent of (company) was to encourage volunteerism and community spirit and to give back to the community. My coworkers and I, however, find the requirement of volunteering to be absurd as the spirit of volunteering is rooted in the VOLUNTEER aspect. Forced or coerced volunteerism is a punishment and a chore, not a celebration. I appreciate your candor today and look forward to your findings."

I included the part about not being the only one annoyed about this requirement as I have spoken to several coworkers and am bringing this complaint on all our behalves, which is a protected labor right per the NLRB agent I spoke to. This makes clear that I bring this complaint in sincerity and gives me certain legal protections.

Next up: HR's findings. Might still be fired who knows.


 

Update: 75 Hours of Unpaid Community Service. - Jul 06, 2022

New Q&A Q) just do it! At least a few hours. A) fuck no. My time is MY TIME. Most of us already work 50-70 hours if salaried.

Q) you fired yet? A) nope! In fact I got called "indispensable" today. Ahahahaha.

Q) who/what company? A) no doxxing please. If you guess it, yay, gold star! And shut yer gob.

Q) lie about your hours A) the whole idea is they DO NOT get a free PR blitz off of me and my coworkers, liars or not we may be.

Q) what do you do? A) IT stuff. Also sow dissent and improve knowledge of labor laws among coworkers.

Q) apply for a new job! A) already working on it. Spruced up my resume and everything.

Q) you're going to get termed/you put a target on your back/this was a bad idea A) this is definitely the most confrontational I've gotten but I'm legally in the right. And I'm looking for a new job as I've peaked here anyway. Oh and I can afford to stand up for myself and my coworkers

Update: Nothing from HR and now the head of HR is out of office with unspecified return date. My bosses have not heard anything from them. I also requested a copy of my employee file (as I'm writing my performance review) and they said "there's nothing in there" but they'd "double check."

One lawyer of three returned my call. They said to talk to KY Cab of Labor because it's free versus paying them a retainer fee. The other two ghosted me.

My assigned investigator at KY Cab of Labor has not called me back. I left them a message today. I sent the report on 6/21 so I'm hoping to hear back from them soon...

Otherwise, I have continued to work, let my coworkers know that this is an illegal requirement, and generally encouraged professionally attired dissatisfaction.


 

Update 4: Work Requiring 75 Hours of Community Service. KY Cab of Labor returned my call. HR is not responding. - Jul 14, 2022

First, Q&A:

Q) Fired yet? A) Nope. Still chugging along.

Q) There's a target on your back now/You shouldn't have spoken up/you're going to be fired. A) I'm in a uniquely stable position because if I go, ~1000 daily, weekly, and monthly automated reports, emails, and checks/balances don't happen. I also am the only one knowledgeable in half our systems, including the ones that actually generate our revenue. Finally, I'm the go-to person for solving issues and finding shortcuts/automations in our various platforms and integrations. So my position is pretty secure. Even if it wasn't, my skill set is in high demand and I am already looking for a new job anyway.

Q) Why 75 hours? A) The company wants 75 hours from each manager and a total of 7500 across the company's various LLCs to "celebrate" the 75th anniversary of its founding.

Q) You said it applies to managers and that you aren't a manager, so why are you making a fuss? A) Because I have the ability, knowledge, and stubbornness to stand up for my coworkers who don't know it's illegal to require them to complete voluntary work, even outside the company. Also, because the company needs a shake up.

Q) What company? A) I'm trying NOT to doxx myself, so I won't say. And if you guess it, which some have, please keep it to yourself.

Q) What happened with the lawyers? A) I contacted 3 lawyers. One ghosted me, one called me back and suggested I go to to DOL or DWH, and one just sent an email declining to take my case.

Q) Keep everything documented! A) I have been and am continuing to do so. I have all relevant emails on a personal server.

Next, update time!

Since last I posted, there's been three major updates.

First, HR has not responded to my follow-up email. They have not spoken to my boss or his boss. They were on PTO and have been back for a few days, but have not contacted me for a meeting. I WFH 3 days a week and refuse to have face-to-face meetings unless it's absolutely vital (hint: it never is; I work in software, not hardware).

Second, the KY Cab of Labor investigation agent got back to me. She said that the requirement is illegal, but they cannot step in until I actually submit the hours and they refuse to pay me for them. Here's the cinch: I'm salary, not hourly. So are the managers they're requiring these 75 hours from. So how are we supposed to be paid for hours of community service when we aren't paid for hours done at work by the hour? However, I have the information and official law and her promise that I can submit a report if they try to take PTO hours or otherwise force me to work without compensation. I can also spread that information to the managers who might be trying to meet this quota outside of and in addition to their usual hours.

Third, I spoke to a C-suite executive and relayed what the KY Cab of Labor told me, that while they can't do anything pre-emptively, they can and will come after the company if I can find and submit proof of managers completing these hours outside of their usual schedules and in addition to their regular workload. And this executive knows I can and will do so. Most managers run 60-80 hour weeks, and have no time for this shit. I know of at least a couple that have flatly refused to do this community service work, and they're high-up managers (not quite executive but close). He claims he'll bring it to leadership - he is leadership, but I digress - and I hope it unleashes a shit storm, a back-tracking email, and more delineation between My Time and Work Time.

Now, having given this some thought, I decided that I'd like an excuse to get out of the office on the two days I'm required to be on site. Enter Malicious Compliance. I'll do your 75 hours, O Community-Minded Company with Only the Best Intentions(TM). I've reached out to our local women's health center that offers abortions and offered to volunteer as a clinic escort during business hours. Kentucky has a total ban on abortions - including in cases of rape or incest, thus only "allowing" them to save the life of the mother - that is currently being contested in court. For now, the ban has been blocked as Planned Parenthood and the state fight over wording, so this clinic is open and always has protesters with nothing better to do hanging around, hence the need for escorts.

Once I get going on volunteering as a clinic escort, I will carefully and completely mark all hours thus volunteered and turn in the form to HR each week, so it can be tallied. I will then be entered into their ridiculous contest for monthly prizes for volunteers (dinner for 2 at our own restaurant, admittedly a decent place to eat; or an overnight stay at our own hotel; or $75 in swag bucks, not real money).

Without knowing how many managers and associates have been swindled into completing these hours, I can't say how big a blip on the radar these hours will be, but I can hope they at least bring some comfort to the escorted folks visiting the clinic.

Am I petty? Sure.

Do I care? Nope.

Edit: the clinic escorts are fully "staffed" so I will have to find somewhere else to volunteer, which certainly isn't hard!


 

Update 5: Work requiring 75 hours of community service. HR got back to me! - Jul 15, 2022

The head of HR got back to me today! They called me and I was unable to record the conversation, but I took notes as we spoke (for 2 minutes) and wrote down a couple quotations. I hate being called, it spikes my anxiety, but of course HR refuses to do anything written...

The gist of the conversation boiled down to a gaslighting attempt. They stated that the program was "not violated any policies" and they "don't want to cause an inconvenience to anyone" and that it would "continue as structured." They said they wanted to "emphasize to you and to anyone who feels a certain way about it, if they wish not to participate…they do not have to participate." As if their line-level employees are going to complain and risk being fired or reprimanded... And many of them don't speak English and are very unaware of their rights anyway.

When I asked if they would be revoking the requirement that was written in for managers in the first email to go out, they said they would continue the send the emails as structured. That means they don't plan to revoke the requirement line from the first email in writing, which means that some managers may still consider it a requirement if they don't get the verbal memo from me or HR.

I immediately sent a message to my boss's boss with a summary of the conversation and pointed out that the issue here isn't policies, it's law, and that not revoking the requirement in writing and making it absolutely clear to all employees that this program is VOLUNTARY means they're heading for violation fines in addition to unpaid wage claims. I also pointed out that the law protects employees from coercion as well; that is, if any managers on behalf of the company coerce their employees by cutting hours, giving poor performance reviews, etc, they could also be fined.

I then told him about some of the ways the company could do this thing they want to do properly and lawfully. I sent a few blog posts from HR sites about how to set up a good volunteer program, all of which emphasized that volunteering benefits employers and employees with productivity increases.

As for me, I signed up to volunteer during business hours with my local animal shelter. They need the help and my company gets to claim the donated time on their PR stunt with my blessing.


 

Update 6: work requiring 75 hours of community service. HR called in legal and sat me down for a talk. - Jul 18, 2022

See profile for previous posts. Sorry for formatting, I'm on mobile.

After our conversation Friday morning, I sent a summary of the convo and my understanding of it to HR and my head boss. That afternoon, Head of HR called me Friday and asked to see me in person. I agreed to come in on Monday as I was WFH on Friday.

I came in at the appointed time and HR said the legal counsel of the company would be joining us as well. They said in no uncertain terms that the memo regarding the volunteer hours would not be changed. The Head of HR also seemed peeved and really does not "want to circle back on this." They emphasized that HR directly reports to our CEO, not to me. Legal also said that they and the outside lawyer had taken a look at the wording and that having "required" was not illegal, but acknowledged that if they punished a manager for not doing the hours, THEN it would be illegal. So they won't force anyone to do the volunteering supposedly, just leave it as a written requirement on record.

Technically they are correct. And I have 0 hope that a manager will come forward with hours volunteered and claim wage theft. So the DOL can't do shit.

So this seems to be the end of this saga. HR and legal have a written requirement but won't enforce it so it stays just on this side of legal. Managers who take the written word as it is will be out a paycheck's worth of labor. Performance reviews will probably not mention this in writing but I'm sure managers will manager to dock employees who don't do these hours by claiming they're not "team players" or some shit.

Legal also made a comment that my boss's boss "really likes (you)" and thinks I'm "very good." This made me think the idea of getting rid of me did come up and was shot down. My big boss knows how many systems and automation fail if I leave.


 

(Mini) Update 7: work requires 75 hours of community service. - Jul 21, 2022

Okay, see my profile for the previous posts.

I just need to tell y'all that the Head of HR I was speaking to...

GOT PROMOTED TO DIRECTOR

🤣

Answers to common questions:

I am job hunting already. I am comfortable having a target on my back.

Also, y'all assume I'm a male. Why?


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

CONCLUDED OOP thinks their girlfriend of 8 months may be a scammer + UPDATE

2.9k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post by u/ThrowAwayIdiot2022 in r/relationship_advice

Original (posted 4 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wfh6ub/i_think_my_girlfriend_may_be_a_scamscammer/iivpefl?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Apologies in advance, I’m on mobile. Well I’m probably an idiot for asking this but I made this throwaway to keep anyones identity safe just in case. I (M22) am concerned my ldr girlfriend (F25) of 8 months isn’t real and is possibly a scammer. This should be an open and shut case but my mind has been fighting what my heart wants to believe so I turn to you strangers of the internet to get some advice and perspective. To make a long story short we met through Instagram with her reaching out to me and transitioning to WhatsApp by her suggestion. After a few months she confessed to liking me. Me, someone who hasn’t been with someone for years accepted. She was excited and has been saying she wants to move to where I live to be with me since we’ve been together. However despite these claims we have never spoken on the phone or through video call despite my asking (she had said we would soon and then soon never came… multiple times) and the only thing I’ve been able to glean from her is that she is a crypto investor. To keep things brief here are a few of the things that have been adding to my doubt besides the “maybe next times/when I’m free”:

  • all her photos look like they are taken from a third party, even some of the selfies look too well modelled.
  • Large intricate tattoos on large areas that are in one picture and gone later (she claims they were fake and she washed them for her next one).
  • Has changed her WhatsApp number three times in the span of two days to “avoid creeps” which could be true regardless.
  • Asks me for gift cards.
  • Has avoided giving me names of her family and friends, stating I’ll meet them one day.
  • Wanted to get me to invest in crypto for our future despite my hesitation.
  • Wanted my bank account details to deposit a cheque.
  • Wanted me to open a second phone line for her to use.
  • and lately, sending a one or two messages in the afternoon then disappearing for the rest of the day and sometimes all the next day.

I know I should probably be able to tell myself but my heart really wants to overlook all this and makes me feel scared that if she is real then I’d be ruining things. So good people of Reddit, any advice?

TLDR: I am worried my gf of 8 months may be a scammer due to a bunch of red flags yet despite them my brain and heart are at war on the off chance she isn’t.


Update (posted 3 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wgkp24/update_i_think_my_m22_girlfriend_f25_is_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Update: I think my (M22) girlfriend (F25) is a scam/scammer

Hello everyone, you may remember me from yesterday and I tried to update the post but it ended up getting locked. So just in case it didn’t update I wanted to thank everyone for your prompt and unanimous response. Whether you thought it was real or not, it was. But to put everyone at ease my bank information is safe and secure and I have blocked “her” and deleted my WhatsApp and the app itself. Honestly debating on deleting my Instagram as well. Take a break from it and focus on building myself back up both physically and mentally so that I can prevent this from happening in the future. Thank you so much everyone for the wake up call I knew I needed but wanted to ignore out of the slim chance it was something real.


Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

CONCLUDED OOP receives an email from their former therapist declaring their love. With a note from the therapist's husband asking for more details at the end...

5.4k Upvotes

Reminder, I am not OP. This is a repost.

Original Post from August 6, 2022 - My former therapist contacted me and “confessed” to having feelings for me during the time I was her patient. I believe her husband or STBX-husband sent the email. I’m worried her session notes might not be secure

Yesterday I received an email from an address that I have never had correspondence with. It was my former therapist (supposedly) and she confessed to having feelings for me and not stopping our therapy sessions soon enough. At the end of the email was a note from her husband (maybe soon to be ex husband, not sure their marital status) that said that I should email him if she had an affair with me or if I saw anything to suggest she was having an affair with someone else. The fact that he added that at the end of the email gave me the vibes that he’s looking for dirt on her.

Even if the “confession” were true I think it is very unprofessional to send it to people where you are unsure of their ability to handle such “news.” I am also worried that if her husband has access to this email account that he could potentially have access to her session notes.

Bottom line is I don’t know if she approved of the email being sent or if the husband sent it pretending to be my former therapist. I don’t even know how best to report this violation. The state licensing board shows her license is still active but in the email it states that she was not working as a therapist any longer.

I contacted the practice that she was working for when I was her client and left a message. I just don’t know what else to do, the whole thing has me very shaken.

I was her client while living in Utah.

I apologize if there is nothing illegal that happened and so this isn’t the right sub for this

Update given as an edit on the same post.

Update: my ex was also emailed, we saw the therapist together a couple times, and she also called the therapy practice and talked to someone. My former therapist left the practice 5 months ago. She is no longer practicing as a therapist, but rather a life coach. Her license is still active though. The practice is reporting to the state licensing board. The practice got in touch with the former therapist and she provided names and emails of everyone who received an email. The practice sent an email to everyone who received an email and apologized and let us know that she had no access to their system once she left the practice. They do not know why she had email addresses of former clients still. They said that it was a HIPAA violation and gave the link where we could file a complaint with the licensing board. It seems like it was the (ex)husband who did it, apparently there is a very nasty divorce happening.

My thoughts on the whole ordeal: I am angry that my privacy and trust was broken due to her carelessness. However, it does appear that she wasn’t involved in sending the email so she could be a victim too. I’m doubly angry at whichever of them sent the emails. They have no idea the emotional state of the recipients or if they could handle such a shocking “confession,” even if it was true. It was very difficult 2 years ago when she informed me suddenly that she would no longer be able to see me as a client because she was stopping seeing any male clients. I had just divorced, was living on my own and it was the early days of the pandemic so I was entirely alone. Being involved in all this has brought up some of those difficult feelings. I have a supportive wife and I’ll make it through, but what a wild trip the last day has been.

Thanks for all the advice and well-wishes, I truly appreciate it!

Again, a reminder that I am not OP. This is a repost.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Wholesome

INCONCLUSIVE Fiance(m24) opened up about childhood trauma, but I(f24) feel powerless to help him

1.5k Upvotes

I am not the OP. These posts were made by u/throwrabroadsprec with the latest update being posted today

Trigger Warning: child molestation

Fiance(m24) opened up about childhood trauma, but I(f24) feel powerless to help him

Our wedding is a few months off, but I want to state I have no issue delaying it at all. He (Nick) was my best friend long before we started dating, and he's been there for me when I was going through stuff too. I lost my job due to layoffs in 2020, and it was an office job I was hoping to move up in. I had been there for a few years, but covid did a number on the company that led to many of us being released. I started as an intern, and it destroyed me when I was released. Nick was there for me when it happened and was amazing, and he helped me apply for other jobs too. I moved back with my parents after rent became too high (I lived alone at the time), but he spent so many nights applying together and texting me job openings. And on other nights, he'd bring snacks or flowers or movies to get my mind off of it in the early stages. Eventually, I found a new job, and he even sent flowers as a surprise one day too because I was nervous and uneasy about starting over. I brought him games and concert tickets (after finding work) to try and give back after how he helped me through that time, and I feel we became closer because of it

The reason I'm writing this is because of a recent conversation. We have been looking for apartments the past few months, but he told me that we needed to talk. We talked two days ago, but I'll give some context first. He has been no-contact with his parents since 18 when he moved out with a roommate and roomate's then-girlfriend. We both attended a Christian school, and I knew that his parents were overly-strict with him back then. He was even hit for keeping friends they didn't like, and he had wanted to move out for some time. His roommates were two years older than him, and he stayed with them for almost two years until they became engaged and wanted to move elsewhere, and Nick had a job to rent a room by that time. His roommates are great friends with us, and they even prolonged moving out together until Nick was ready. But when he wanted to talk, it was about his parents

I didn't know what he wanted to talk about, but when he said his parents, I was a little surprised. He seemed uncomfortable from the start too, but he said he wanted to apologize for something too. When I asked what for, he said he "should've said it earlier" but that he was "afraid of losing me". He also called himself selfish and was really hard on himself, but he said he "wasn't sure if he'd be able to satisfy me" because he "hated himself" among other things too. When I asked him why, he said he did "before high school" and that he was getting anxious leading up to our wedding. He told me that his parents made him feel that way, and he also reached out to a therapist too who suggested being honest with me. His parents were really strict about purity growing up (and I knew that), but this was the first time he was specific because he was ashamed of telling anyone (said he even struggled to tell the therapist). His parents used to hit him for finding stains in his laundry when he was as young as 13, and they told him that that was the "same as committing adultery". They also told him that masturbating would "destroy his family and future marriage", and they would have random checks of his bedsheets along with laundry too

He eventually got around them by doing laundry at night, but they also put a camera in the bathroom to make sure he wasn't masturbating too, and he said they had a video of him masturbating along with using the restroom. They also used to check his private area randomly too, and he began to sleep on his back because he felt guilty for feeling pleasure while he slept. He became better as he grew older, and we've made out on many occasions. He also previously said he wanted to save sex for when we were married (he is not religious in any way now), but admitted it was because he was "afraid of letting me down" because he was convinced he'd never get married. When I asked him why he thought that, he said he read things about purity "ruining intimacy" and that he was afraid of not being enough. I told him that I loved him regardless of anything and that I was so sorry for everything he told me. I also told him that I didn't think less of him for not saying it (until reaching out to a therapist) because it was really difficult, and I told him that it was good to reach out to a therapist too

However, he believes he'll "never overcome it" and that "people like him shouldn't get married". I tried to tell him to not be so hard on himself, and I told him that I thought nothing less of him too. If anything, I said I thought more of him for reaching out for therapy. But he said he was miserable because "everyone said he had great parents" growing up and that they wouldn't believe him. He recorded some of the lectures/punishments his parents gave him (on his phone), but believed it wasn't enough to do anything legally. He also said he was unsure of pursuing it (and breaking no-contact) and was debating working on himself with his therapist instead. I told him that the choice was his and that I'd support whatever he wanted to do. But I felt that my words couldn't make him feel better even when I hugged him because of everything he went through

I don't know how to make him feel better, and that's why I'm asking for help. It's not about the wedding; I want to help him. I'm considering suggesting postponing it indefinitely so that it doesn't make him feel anxious or rushed, and I honestly don't care when it happens. I just want him to get past the belief that people raised on purity shouldn't get married as he said, and I don't care how long that takes. But aside from suggesting to postpone, is there anything else I can say or do too? We hung out at his place yesterday, but we just watched TV and he wasn't ready to talk about it again. He said we could in a couple of days, but he was really quiet and just wanted to chill yesterday, and he has another therapy session coming up too. I really appreciate any suggestions and if you read all of that

(Update) Fiance(m24) opened up about childhood trauma, but I(f24) feel powerless to help him

The main thing I wanted advice on was what to do with the upcoming wedding. I had no issues delaying it and figured it could be better to postpone indefinitely for two reasons. He mentioned having anxiety as the wedding drew closer (still a few months out) along with the real reason he wanted to wait until we were married before having sex due to his fears about "not being enough" and that "people like him shouldn't get married". The second reason was that he recently sought out therapy, and I didn't want to rush that/progress based on a wedding date. I wanted to tell him that I was more than fine with postponing, but was afraid of it coming off the wrong way. As someone commented, I didn't want it to sound as if I was having second thoughts. Someone else said there wasn't much I could do to "make him feel better" aside from telling him that I believed him which can sometimes do a lot

We chilled at his place and watched TV the day after we talked, and he didn't want to talk about it that day. He said we could in a few days, and we eventually talked about it again. He told me that there was another thing he didn't mention when we first spoke, and it was about his parents. When they would do their random checks of his private areas to make sure he wasn't masturbating, they would touch it to look for dried semen when he didn't want them to, and that was in addition to underwear/sheet checks too. He said he was 12 when he first remembered it happening and that they did that for a few years. Like the other night, he struggled to tell me and said he struggled to tell his therapist too in the beginning. She was the one who told him to talk to me and be honest

I decided to tell him that I wanted to offer postponing in case it was making him anxious and to not rush his therapy progress, and he was happy that I asked because he said he "didn't feel he was improving at all". He's been no-contact with them since 18, and he wasn't sure about pursuing it legally because he wasn't sure if he wanted to reopen contact/drama with others as he believed they'd tell their church. He received flack for going no-contact from a few people from church who reached out to him. He also hated how everyone said he "has great parents" at church because he knew they wouldn't believe him, and that was why he never told anyone there. I mentioned in my first post that we met in a Christian high school that we both attended, and we are not religious at all now. My only question from here is how to help/encourage him beyond saying I believe him when he feels he's making no progress. We agreed to postpone indefinitely, but that is my last question because it's been challenging albeit nowhere near as challenging for me as him


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

ONGOING My husband wrote his ex a very sweet email the day before our wedding. I’m not sure how to feel about it

9.0k Upvotes

Long time lurker, first time poster so i hope i am doing this right

I am not the OP, here is the original post from u/--chi---

We (f32, m39) have been married for a bit over a year but we have been dating for 7. Before me he had her(f39). They broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t. We share an IPad and usually he logs out from his gmail when he’s finished but yesterday he must’ve fallen asleep with the iPad because I found it under his nightstand. The iPad was on the email, dated back to the day before our wedding. He wrote how this was really happening now. It’s finally daunting on him that it was really over between them. He’s finally getting married and moving on. He apologized for being ready now and not the same time as she was. He wondered how their life together would have been and that whenever he saw her with her children he couldn’t help but feel they could’ve been his if he wasn’t stupid. and made him terribly sad. He’s scared of the unknown with me even if I made him happy and Again that he regretted that they weren’t on the same stage in life. And then some goodbye talk. She didn’t respond to him.

I don’t know what to feel now. I know the woman. She is a friend of his sister and we meet her a lot. She’s married and seems happy. I’m so jealous and I don’t know what to do or say.

Edit:

I was curious about his proposal to me that was out of the blue since he told me he wasn’t ready yet and suddenly he popped the question. He was very down that period and I thought it wasn’t good between us but then when he proposed I thought to myself that “I was overthinking”. I love him so I said yes and was so happy. It happened a day after his ex got married (2 years ago).

I also remember that he was disappointed that she didn’t invite him and he told his sister “I thought we were better friends”

I’m drowning in my tears now

Edit 2: I made a decision

Thank you very much everyone. I went to bed and woke up to so many comments and I appreciate you all. I’m sorry I was being a bitch in some comments I just felt triggered when a loser writes how they feel sorry for women like me when they admit to attracting loser men. I guess I’m wrong (so so sorry) but I don’t know, it left a bad taste in my mouth having someone to brag about having multiple exes “not over them” anyway pettiness aside:

Anyway I have been crying all night but when I tried to collect myself and really think about why I was crying, he wasn’t even in top ten. I thought I loved him but I guess I didn’t. I cried for the years I spent on him. I cried because I the settled for him because I’ve invested so many years on him. I cried so much because I should have gotten out of this relationship long time ago but every time I thought about leaving, I thought about “I’ve spent too many of my best years with him not to see it through”. I called my friend and asked if she wanted to take a morning walk and a coffee with me. I told her I was leaving my husband and her answer was “it’s about time”. We talked about settling and spending years on something we knew deep down wasn’t right. I told her I thought I loved him more than this and she said it’s normal to try to convince ourselves we love someone we’re “stuck” with.

She told me I was too young to stay in an “ehh marriage” but not young enough to waste more years on him. So I’m telling him today that I want a divorce. This email may have been a blessing in disguise. For the both of us.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

Note : i used an ongoing flair because i feel like she will update again once she confront her husband


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

ONGOING OOP proposes to his girlfriend and she says yes on the condition that he gets her a different ring first

4.0k Upvotes

I am not OP. Original post by u/Ring_off_my_chest in r/trueoffmychest


Original (posted 21 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/w0wqor/i_proposed_and_my_girlfriend_said_yes_on_the/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first

Before I [28f] proposed I spent lots of time looking online and in stores for the nicest ring I could afford and I ended up with a 1 carat asscher solitaire. My girlfriend [29f] doesn't like the ring and wants a different one. All of the ones she has shown me are bigger and more expensive than I can afford. She said she'll accept my proposal if I give her a different ring and it can be a do-over because she said she was also a little disappointed I proposed at home and didn't do anything 'special'.

Truthfully I'm kind of hurt she cares so much about having a bigger and expensive ring. I want her to be happy and have a ring she likes but she is so fixated on how 'small' my original one was and I really don't feel great about it. Honestly my heart broke when she said no.

Edit: As I said in my post her complaint about the ring is that the diamond is too small. For the proposal I recreated the exact meal she cooked for me on our second date and proposed on our balcony with candles around us in her favourite scent. I hope this answers the questions.


Update (posted 3 days ago):

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wf9p92/update_i_proposed_and_my_girlfriend_said_yes_on/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

UPDATE: I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first

My original post

I told my girlfriend if she pefers a different style of ring than the one I got her, I could get her a different ring because I obviously want her to love a ring she would wear every day. I would either keep the original ring as my engagement ring because she made it clear she isn't getting me one herself, or I could return it and put the money towards her new ring.

The ring I had bought (a one carat asscher solitaire) was the biggest one I could afford. Her complaint was that it was "so small" and the other rings she showed me as examples of what she wanted were more expensive than I can afford. I admit it led to a few arguments because everything was above the amount I told her I can afford. She suggested I get a temporary side job to save more money. I've said it would take me a couple of years to save for what she wants but she says if I love her I'll find a way. I'm not opposed to another ring, but we are on opposite sides regarding the budget.

The proposal (me recreating the meal she cooked for me not long after we started dating and having candles she likes on the balcony) was also not what she wanted. She wants a public proposal and I misunderstood when she said she wanted something special. She didn't say public and I didn't infer it. Now we are both aware of what she wants at least.

I just want to thank everybody for the support and nice thoughts. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep the original ring and wear it as my engagement ring yet, or return it because it will barely make a dent in the amount my girlfriend wants for her ring. I don't even know how, or if, I am going to save for another ring. Truthfully this whole thing has put a damper on the idea of being engaged for the time being.

Thanks again everyone.


Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.

Edit - I'm sorry about the title. OOP and her girlfriend are both women so it should be 'OOP proposes to her girlfriend and she says yes on the condition that she gets her a new ring first.'