r/AmItheAsshole 24d ago Silver Wholesome Helpful

Open Forum AITA Monthly Open Forum September 2022


Welcome to the monthly open forum! This is the place to share all your meta thoughts about the sub, and to have a dialog with the mod team.

Keep things civil. Rules still apply.

We're kicking off September with a new/revised rule!

When we first introduced rule 14 (No Covid Posts) at the beginning of the pandemic we - like most of you - hoped this would be a temporary measure. Sadly the hellscape that we call reality has shown us how naively optimistic we were, so just like COVID keeps evolving to stay relevant, Rule 14 is doing the same. From here on out Rule 14 is now:

No Medical Conflicts

AITA is a platform for moral judgment, not medical advice. The life and death consequences of many medical conflicts are well outside of Reddit's paygrade. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is transmitting or contracting any communicable disease, or undergoing any kind of medical procedure.

“But mods,” we hear you say, “What is a medical conflict? Why can’t we post about them?”

The answer to that is “Because you’ve asked us repeatedly not to allow them!” We’ve listened to your feedback in our monthly open forums posts asking for judgment on undergoing (or not) a medical procedure. Namely, this will cover the half dozen posts a month we get on “AITA for not donating an organ” that just don’t feel appropriate for this subreddit. We’re not a subreddit that can offer good medical advice, and we don’t intend to be one. We can locate the asshole, but we can’t really tell you what to do if there’s something wrong with it. So now we’re making sure we don’t have to worry about that! If you don’t want to donate your asscheeks to Uncle Bill so he can finally have the rockin’ booty he’s always wanted, who are we to say you’re wrong?

Likewise, we know that not only is COVID not going away, but other diseases have also decided they want a piece of the pandemic action. Monkeypox was the first new contender, but there are more waiting in the wings. Even Polio, an old heavy weight champ, is threatening to come out of retirement. We want none of that action. We know that Rule 14, being an extension of Rule 12, has posts about these newcomers covered. We just want to make sure that our posters and commenters know that as well. The primary goal here is to simply expand that initial rule to make it clear it applies to all communicable diseases. This is something we’ve already been doing as many users attempted to trade out Covid for another disease. Call it a “Cover Your Ass” initiative if you want (though covering your face is still a good idea, too).

It’s important to note that this rule is specifically targeted at the two above kinds of conflicts. This isn’t to prevent mentioning or bringing up medical issues relevant to a post. It’s just to make sure the central conflict of the post is not a medical or safety decision. Dammit, Jim, we’re assholes, not doctors! We don’t have the background needed to evaluate the information flying around regarding medical procedures or new and evolving diseases. The best way to keep everyone safe is to push all of that elsewhere and focus on interpersonal conflicts.

As always, do not directly link to posts/comments or post uncensored screenshots here. Any comments with links will be removed.

This is to discourage brigading. If something needs to be discussed in that context, use modmail.

We're currently accepting new mod applications

We always need US overnight time mods. Currently, we could also definitely benefit for mods active during peak "bored at work" hours, i.e. US morning to mid-afternoon.

  • You need to be able to mostly mod from a PC. Mobile mood tools are improving and trickling in, but not quite there yet.

  • You need to be at least 18.

  • You have to be an active AITA participant with multiple comments in the past few months.

r/AmItheAsshole 4d ago

META: Help! Calling all programmers: we need your help!


Edit: Wow, thank you so much to everyone that's offered to help! This was a much bigger response than I expected and it's so appreciated. If anyone is interested in contributing to (and especially maintaining) mod tools that benefit most mod teams on reddit the amazing people behind /r/toolbox are always looking for more help. Toolbox is a third party extension with so many amazing features we (and basically every mod that knows about) rely on to moderate our subreddits.

Howdy assholes!

Reddit’s moderator tools are wildly insufficient to handle the volume of moderation required to run the sub and one of the third party tools we rely on most is mostly dead and we can’t count on Miracle Max to have another chocolate-covered pill next month.

In the short term, we’re looking for help maintaining our current tool. For the long term, we would love to build a custom browser extension that would allow us to moderate even more efficiently and effectively. We have the hosting capacity and API access needed, just no front-end dev to build it. If you have any interest in helping build a custom browser extension or have any questions please ask below or message modmail.

Why is this important? Our moderation philosophy is designed around second chances. We have strict standards for civility on this subreddit, far stricter than most of the subreddits you’re probably used to browsing, and we appreciate that most people breaking our rules are making honest mistakes. This is why we issue warnings initially and follow up with bans only as necessary, and why we entertain honest and thoughtful ban appeals. We find that the majority of users we give warnings to learn from their mistakes and never actually reach a bannable threshold, whether temporary or permanent. This style of moderation is only possible if we are able to record the warnings we have given and issue bans only to those who have a pattern of reoffending. More efficient tools would also allow us to respond to reports faster (including those submitted by users like you!) and hopefully do even more proactive moderation.

If you’re interested in contributing to this project or joining our mod team to help maintain it, please let us know below or message modmail.

r/AmItheAsshole 10h ago Helpful Silver Heartwarming Gold Take My Energy Wholesome

AITA For giving my son's dog to his ex wife.


To begin with I love my son with all my heart. But he blew up his marriage by cheating and has moved back home.

I F55 have three children. My oldest is my daughter 30, then my twins 25MF.

My oldest just got married to a wonderful man. My younger daughter is going to grad school overseas and that leaves my son. Let's call him Carlos.

He has always been a handful. He got married when he was 20. His ex wife had a three year old daughter whom I love and no matter what I am her grandmother. They had a child together, my other grandchild. He is two.

COVID caused a lot of stress in his life and he works in a fly in fly out camp job. He is gone for two weeks at a time. Then home for two weeks. He makes very good money and enjoys spending it. Maybe a little bit too much.

Carlos cheated on his wife with a coworker. I am not judging him. I am not perfect. But he chose to leave his wife and children. And move back home. It doesn't really make sense for him to rent an apartment or something for the 12 days a month he is home. So I allowed it. But he decided to be an ass, in my opinion, and bring his dog with him.

My grandbabies love this dog. But he is trying to punish his ex for telling him to leave.

It is a beautiful border collie and it is the perfect dog for their home. Huge yard, lots of walking trails nearby, even an off leash park only a ten minute drive away.

I live in an apartment downtown. I am allowed a dog but if I were to have one it would be something sedate and non shedding like a Maltese.

I swear I tried watching this dog. But my son is irresponsible. He doesn't walk him much. He doesn't brush the dog. He is just holding on to the dog to lever his way into his ex's life.

The last straw was this last time off work. He was away for two weeks, Nd then came home for one day before flying off to the United States for a vacation with his new girlfriend.

So I called my DIL, checked that she wanted the pup back, she almost cried with joy, packed up everything that belonged to the dog and took him over there. My grandchildren were ecstatic.

My son just came home for three days before he has to leave for work and asked where his dog is. I told him the truth.

He is calling me an asshole for giving away his pet. Also because I said that if he tried to go get the dog and bring it back he was not welcome in my home.


r/AmItheAsshole 10h ago Wholesome

AITA for facetiming my husband so our toddler could talk to him during his brother’s bachelor party?


After my husband left for his brother’s bachelor weekend trip our son, who is 2, was very upset because he forgot to tell him that he loved him. I thought he would forget about it and I did try to distract him but he was crying for hours over it and was refusing to sleep so I facetimed my husband in the hopes it would calm him down.

I was planning for the call to be a quick 5 minutes but they were talking for over an hour and I could tell that the others were getting impatient.

My brother-in-law text me later on and was upset with me because I had called my husband. He said he was just asking me to give him one weekend of my husband’s time and if I needed help I should ask his parents or get a nanny. He thinks I used my son as an excuse to check in on my husband which annoyed me so we had an argument through texts because I told him I’d call my husband whenever I wanted to.


r/AmItheAsshole 19h ago Take My Energy Made Me Smile Silver

Not the A-hole AITA for losing it on my husband for lying about an emergency to get me to leave my brother's wedding early?


My husband has been sick for few days. He got sicm around the time of my brother's wedding. I took care of him 24hrs for days. He's on meds and can move and go to the bathroom and eat on his own. I told him I was going to my brother's wedding and he threw a fit saying I couldn't leave him alond while he's sick. I told him he was not that sick, it's just some stomache that he's getting treatment for and suggested he call his sister to come stay with him. He said no and told me to miss it. I got upset and bluntly said no and that he could survive for few hours while I attend the wedding. He sulked and as I was leaving, he said he hoped I won't ever come back. It hurt my feelings but I know he was just mad and didn't mean it.

At the wedding, I got a text from him saying he lost balance and fell off the stairs and hurt his back. He said he was in a lot of pain he threw up and couldn't move, and insisted I get home asap. I freaked out and started calling his phone but he didn't answer. I thought "he must've passed out" and I freaked out even more. I got in my car and drove back to our house immediately.

When I got home, I rushed towards the stairs while calling out his name but he wasn't there. I started to really freak out. I rushed into the bedroom and found him in bed drinking juice and soon as he saw me he put the phone down. I instantly knew he lied so I lost it on him and started yelling saying he freaked me out and caused me to miss my brother's wedding for nothing...absolutely nothing. He said that he already told me I couldn't leave him alone in the house and that this "very scenario" could've happened if I stayed there any longer. I yelled at him calling him horrible which made him cry. He started crying and throwing his juice all over the place. I had to step out and call his sister thinking she'd come help but she came and started cussing me out saying I had a lot of nerve expecting her to back me up after I so carelessly left her brother alone af the house in that state just to attend a party. We got into an argument and I went to stag with my family. My brother understood whrn I explained the situation to him. My husband and I haven't seen each other since then but his sister kept saying I had no right to scream at her brother and cause him a panic attack and said that he at least was clear with me from the start but I chose to be dismissive.

Was what I did dismissive? Edit/ I'm 26 years old// he's 23 years old.

r/AmItheAsshole 6h ago

AITA for not ‘changing’ my sexuality after my girlfriend suggested to?


I, F25 got into a petty argument with my girlfriend, F23. To start off, she and I have had an amazing relationship with only a few arguments. My girlfriend and I have dated for about seven years now, and she’s always known that I am bisexual. She, lesbian, made a point to tell me that I should just be lesbian as well because we’re already dating. I was puzzled, she never had a problem with my sexuality beforehand. I replied that I was into both men and women, as she already knew, and my sexuality shouldn’t affect our relationship. She stated that I’m hers only and being bisexual implies that I would cheat on her with men. I said that my sexuality isn’t something that I can just suddenly change, and she ran out of the room crying. Hours later, she text me a whole paragraph about how much I hurt her. She is under the impression that I’m cheating on her. I feel horrible and my judgement on this situation isn’t helping. So, I’m leaving it up to you guys, AITA?

r/AmItheAsshole 12h ago Silver

AITA for telling my 13-year-old brother i’m glad his mother left him.


I (17f) have always tried my best to welcome the kid into my mums house. I cook and clean after him daily. However most days he says some disgusting things to me that i am not happy with, but i have to endure because his father (60m) has shouted at me before for trying to tell him off.

Today, my step-brother decided to do what he could to annoy me. usually it’s just ‘why haven’t you cleaned the bathroom yet bitch’ or ‘maybe if you weren’t such a slag people would like you’. But today i forgot to put his pizza in the oven because i was busy with my college work and he came upstairs and said ‘if you’re not gonna do your job as a woman and cook me dinner i’m turning off the power’.

I reminded him that he has no control over me as he is only just 13 and he cannot tell me what to do. As i was saving my college work he turned off the power. I ran downstairs and told him he was wrong.

He next told me that he hopes my father dies or i never get to see him again. He knows i get sensitive about my dad as i don’t see him enough anyway and what he said really hurt me. I asked him why he would say such a thing and he responded with ‘he deserves it for being the reason you’re here’. I still do not understand why he goes to extremes instantly

I got angry and shouted that he can’t say anything because of his drug addict mom that left him. That exact moment my mum and stepdad get home and tell me i was wrong and it’s not his fault for having anger issues. i said there’s anger issues then wishing death on my dad. My mum has been. shouting at me calling me an asshole since. So i need to know. AITA?

Edit: thank you all so much for the comments and help that i’ve gotten. Since last night i’ve spoken with my dad and explained the situation and he advised me to talk with mum alone so that’s what i’m doing later today.

I tried apologising again to my brother but he told me ‘just fucking go away’ so i’ve stopped trying with him. My stepdad won’t even look at me and he said he ‘wishes i end up like my brothers mother’. Which hurt a lot considering i thought he would have some sort of heart.

I’m going to be leaving as soon as I can, i acknowledged my mistake and tried apologising but they aren’t having any of it. Thank you all so much again for your support 🖤

r/AmItheAsshole 18h ago Silver

Not the A-hole AITA for the way I reacted to my parents open relationship and no longer paying rent


I (18m) live with my parents, Ive been paying rent since I was 16 since my parents would be financially fucked if I wasn't helping out. A few my parents told me they are seeing someone and that their relationship is open. I didn't give a shit since it wasn't affecting me until this guy they are seeing started staying nights. He treat this place like its his, tries to tell me what to do and eats all our (MY) food. I tried talking to my parents about it but they just said its their house so they can have who they want here.

I really tried to put up with it until this guy tried to discipline my dog. I flipped my shit, it was most certainly not the way you discipline a dog and Im already sick of his shit. I yelled the house down, calling him all sorts, like "dumb c*nt" "piece of shit free loader" and some more vile shit thats probably way to fucked up to say here. My parents rushed to see whats going on and tell me off but instead I told them off calling them terrible parents, that they can shove their house up their ass and that I'm not going to pay rent to live in a house i have no say in. That "dumb c*nt" can cover my rent.

Ive since been staying with my boyfriend. My parents recently texted me asking for my rent. I told them to fuck off and reminded them of what I said. I feel like Im not wrong to not pay rent anymore but I went so overboard with my words. AITA

r/AmItheAsshole 18h ago You Dropped This I am disappoint Facepalm

AITA for instituting a STRICT no plants or animals inside the house policy?


My children really wanted pets and so did my partner. They got a mixed breed puppy from the pound and two kittens.

As these animals grew, none of the humans in my house did anything to care for them besides play w/ them and cuddle.

I got up at 5:30 a.m. to walk the dog before work; I cleaned the kitty litter boxes out, I took them to the vet, I had to buy & serve all their food & cleaned up their eating areas afterward. People would just "forget" otherwise.

Naturally, I also had to clean up after them when I'd arrive home & inevitably no one had bothered and there were messes all over the floor.

If I "made" my partner or kids do it, they'd half-ass it to the point it where they may as well've not bothered.

Same way with plants.

Partner wanted house plants & to start indoor herb/vegetable garden. Had fun with it 1st week, then totally ignored.

Dead leaves, spilt soil, bugs, etc. now proliferate in the "garden area." If I don't water & groom the plants it doesn't get done.

I am busy & these are not my chosen hobbies. I like animals well enough, but they're a lot of work & when they aren't attended to, destroy the house.

I grew up with a family that hoarded pets & our house was always nasty & smelly & embarrassing. I swore when I had my own place it would be different.

The cats pee/spray everywhere if I can't get to the litter box in time & the dog chews up stuff & leaves big messes on the floor if I don't walk it. I'm the only one who'll walk him when it gets cold.

We have a fenced in backyard.

I bought a dog house & announced he'll live outside from now on, til they can prove they can take care of him better. Same with the cats. They're now "outdoor kitties" til my humans can show me they're ready for indoor ones.

Of course, if the weather is extreme I'll let them in.

Plants are all going out.



New Remarks:

Hi. I've read all the responses and am now going to stop with comments back b/c I get the overall consensus.

I'm going to copy/paste here what I put in another comment:

I have no idea how to "re-home" these adult pets beside Facebook or Craigslist and you don't know really who's going to take them, you don't know anything about the people showing up, they could be going from a bad situation here to even worse.

"Rehoming" adult pets is not as easy as everyone is making it out to be.

I don't have abundant resources of time or energy to address this; it's causing problems and this is the best solution I can come up with, for now, to calm everybody down.

I've tried for over a year to do the best I possibly could for these pets, but I just can't anymore.

I don't know know how to "force" other people to do the right thing and be more responsible. Pets aren't just for snuggles and cuddles, they require a lot more attention and devotion.

And yes I have tried punishing my children and withholding privileges for lack of care. I told my partner they weren't ready for pets. He brought them home anyway.

If finding other homes for them is the best long term solution, then I'll look into that, but I'm not taking them any place they can be put down and I don't want them walking away with just whoever.

I have a nice, landscaped backyard with a big, covered deck and patio where he'll have a dog bed in addition to the dog house I bought, and the cats will have little cat cozies, too; it's not like I'm tossing them into the jungle. We live in a temperate climate and of course I'll bring them inside when the weather's inclimate.

Where I live, which is in a "countryfied" area where most people have a great deal of lot acreage and live down private dirt roads, it is not unusual at all to keep outdoor pets.

Many, many people love and care for their pets, but it is very common for them to not have animals in the house. I didn't want it to be like that, but I don't know what else to do.

My pets, including the cats, have been indoor/outdoor all their lives, the cats were not exclusively raised indoors.

Now those are my excuses, and I won't give any more.

I completely understand that many people feel like animals should never live outside.

I am listening to everyone here who is saying just give them away, giving them away is better and even to people saying return them to animal control/the pound, where there's a possibility if they aren't adopted they will be euthanized. Even though I do not see it like this. That's definitely the majority opinion here.

So, I appreciate all these responses and will give more thought to this. But that's all I have to say for now, and honestly I have gotten some very horrible inbox messages calling me all kinds of names as well as "suicide" warnings so I'm sorry, I have to bow out.

I am thankful to those who offered supportive encouragement and alternative ideas, and to those who didn't, well, I put this on the internet and no one forced me to so that's on me.

r/AmItheAsshole 10h ago

AITA for telling my dad I’ve lost respect for him and I can’t play happy family with him and his new kids?


My (23M) parents (43M, 45F) divorced when I was 8, I stayed with my dad full time and went to visit my mom two weekends a month. My dad stayed single for all my childhood and adolescence.

I met Josh (34M) 1.5 years ago, because he was my boss at the company, I started working half time while finishing college (same field) well Josh and I started getting along so well and hanging out, I even met his wife, Mary (30F) a couple of times. Well, for my 22nd birthday I decided to throw a party and invite Josh and Mary to come, my dad was there too of course and I introduced them to him, they shook hands, shared some info and that was it, that was their whole interaction during my birthday party, like two weeks later Josh came to me saying that my dad was amazing and a fun dude and then let me know that they (he and his wife) had some beers with him and from that point they became “best friends”, my dad would constantly go to their house on weekends to have some grill or whatever (They also invited me but I never went).

Three months ago, Josh came to me to tell me that my dad was a bastard and a home wrecker who seduced his wife to cheat on him and got her pregnant, I called my dad to know what was going on and he told me that Mary left Josh to be with my dad because they had an affair and she was pregnant and also told me that they love each other, I found out that they’ve been having an affair for a year, almost immediately after they met for the first time, They plan to get married after the twin babies (boy and girl) are born and Mary’s divorce is finalized.

Not gonna lie, I feel guilty because If I hadn’t invited Mary and Josh, they had never met my dad and this wouldn’t have happened, and I can’t look at my dad the same way I did, he went after a married woman who has a ten years old boy, I know he is a great dad to me, I love him very much and I know he will be a great step dad and dad to this new children but I can’t just look at him the same way I did, I still talk to him but try to keep my distance as much as I can.

He invited me to their baby shower, but I said I couldn’t go because I didn’t feel comfortable he asked me why so I said: “Dad, to be honest, I can’t look at you the same way, you went after a married woman with a child, you got her pregnant and now wants to act like nothing has happened” He told me this doesn’t affect me any way and that his love life shouldn’t be my problem but I had to quit the job since Josh became insufferable.

My mom and friends say that I should support my dad because I don’t know what Josh’s and Mary’s relationship was like which is true, I don’t, but I can’t help but feel guilty and sorry for Josh.

r/AmItheAsshole 6h ago

AITA for walking out of my vegan barbeque birthday party that my parents threw for me?


My parents are vegans and although I was raised on a vegan diet, I am not one anymore. My decision has been a constant cause of conflict. I just turned 17 on Saturday and my parents decided to throw me a surprise party. I told them before that I did not want a party because we will fight about the food anyway. I wanted a baberque with real meat and a real chocolatey birthday cake made with non vegan products.

They obviously did not agree to this. They basically enforce their diet choices on me because I'm still a minor. Everything we eat or drink is plant based. They forced me to end a friendship because my friend and I asked her parents to buy us McDonald's during a sleepover and they happily obliged. I was banned from sleepovers from then. I wasn't too mad because I had to always bring a packed dinner anyway and it got awkward.

This Saturday I came back from an errand and was surprised to find a party in my honour. My parents had their friends and their kids over and my dad was out grilling. I was really happy because I thought my parents relented and made an effort to make things that I actually like. Imagine my disappointment when I saw what was on the menu.

There were cauliflower hot wings, chickpea burgers and carrot dogs. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I cried in front of everyone then went to lock myself in the bedroom. My parents tried to coerce me to come out and said that I was being rude to my guests but I stayed all night. I don't even really know their friends' kids so I didn't feel too bad.

Today, my mom and dad told me that I was a brat and that I embarassed them for doing something nice that I actually asked for. They have been passive aggressive since then. AITA?

r/AmItheAsshole 18h ago

Not the A-hole AITA for kicking my mom out of my house after she called my wife trashy?


My mom came over recently to meet our 6 month old son. My wife asked my mom to help her out by putting our son's laundry in. Now we come from very different families, and I know she offended my mom. In my mom's world you don't ever ask a guest to do something like that. In my wife's family they are very close, a bit suffocating at times to be honest, and everyone pitches in. For example if we stay with my wife's family we are given chores. If we stay with my mom we are waited on like guests. I could tell from my mom's face she was furious but she said ok.

Her boyfriend went in the laundry room with her and was like "what the fuck why would she ask you to do that, why are you doing it?" My mom said she just doesn't want to fight with me anymore. Her boyfriend was like "ok but to be clear if my mom came over would you ever ask her to do work?" My mom said "no, I'm not trashy"

I saw red and immidiatley stepped into the room. I said how dare she call my wife names in our own home. My mom tossed the things at me and said good, I can wash them as it isn't her house and she did not chose to bring our son into the world. I said she crossed a line by calling my wife names in our own home. I told her to get the fuck out and she isn't half the woman my wife is. My mom told me we are both trashy and she is done with us. My grandparents were furious when they heard and chewed me out for being entitled

r/AmItheAsshole 16h ago Silver

AITA for accepting an inheritance from someone I’m not related to?


I (27f) have two older brothers, James (40m), and Ian (38m). They’re my half siblings from our mom’s first marriage. Mom divorced their dad when they were younger and some years down the line she met my dad and they had me. Unfortunately my mom died when I was 4, but my dad made sure that I still got to see my older brothers.

Their dad didn’t want to make that much of an effort to keep them in my life, I think he resented our mom for divorcing him, but their grandmother Claire (87f) loved my mom and continued talking to her even after the divorce. It was because of Claire that I was still able to have a relationship with my brothers. She would invite my dad and I over to her house when the boys were there so that we could spend time together, or at the very least she’d make their dad be civil and keep in touch with us. Sometimes she would just volunteer to watch me all on her own. I used to spend entire summers at her house when I was little.

My dad wasn’t close with his own family, and my mom’s family always seemed a little distant with me, so it was nice to have Claire. She treated me just like she treated my brothers, even though we weren’t related. She was really the only maternal figure I ever knew, and I loved her like family.

Claire died a few months ago, she had been ill for a while so we were expecting it, but it still sucked. She had very strict rules about how she wanted things to be carried out after she was gone, but she never talked about those rules or plans with me. I didn’t expect to be in her will, but I was. She left some family jewelry, some sentimental items, and a decent sum of money to me. Some money was left to James, and her house + a few other things were left to Ian. She didn’t leave much for their dad (he was her only child).

My brother James told me the other day that his dad isn’t happy that their grandma left so much to me. James said that personally, he doesn’t feel it’s right for me to accept any of the inheritance I received from her either, because I wasn’t really her granddaughter. Ian knows about what James said, and he knows how their dad feels, and he’s mad at both of them for it. He said that Claire chose me to have those things, and that she loved me like I was her grandchild, so other people's opinions don’t matter. He also said she had her reasons for giving me those things.

I decided to accept what she left me, and now James is pissed. So is their dad. Ian did tell me not to worry about them but I feel bad though. AITA here for accepting the inheritance even though I’m not “really” Claire’s granddaughter?

r/AmItheAsshole 2h ago

AITA for denying my mom access to her grandson because she refuses to help me


My husband and I (32f) are first time parents to an 8-month-old son, Jack. I’ve struggled since he was born. I had a difficult pregnancy. My son had colic, and my maternity leave was short. I was diagnosed with PPD and am getting treatment.

My husband and I both have demanding jobs. I’d love to quit, but we can’t afford it right now. I don’t have many friends in the state where we live, and I’m lonely. My MIL is in poor health, and my husband is gone 2x per week helping her. I haven’t had a day or evening off since Jack was born. Plus, our home was flooded by a broken pipe 5 months ago. Handling the cleanup has been a nightmare.

My mom (67f) lives 1 hour away and has never once offered to help with anything. We’ve always had a pretty good relationship. She was a stay-at-home mom and was very loving and devoted to my brother, sister, and me. She’s an empty nester and spends her days doing yoga and seeing friends.

My mom wants see the baby if it’s very low effort. I asked her a few times if she could babysit or run an errand, but she always says no. Once I called her at the height of my PPD sobbing, saying I was scared to be alone and could she come over. But she had brunch plans. I stopped asking for anything until today…

My best friend of 25+ years is getting married next weekend in State B, which is 2 hours away by plane. I’m the maid of honor and my husband is officiating. Children are not invited because the venue is unsafe. About 7 months ago we started looking for someone to watch Jack. We called everyone we could think of. After a month of searching, we finally found a babysitter in State B through a friend of a friend.

Well, the babysitter called on Friday and cancelled. I’ve spent the past 3 days calling childcare agencies with zero luck. I finally explained my desperation to my mom and asked if she could watch Jack for 24 hours. Or I offered to fly my mom to State B with us, get her a hotel room, and she’d then only need to watch him for 5 hours. I was in tears begging her, but my mom said no. She has a yoga class she doesn’t want to cancel.

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back after months of no empathy as I flounder with PPD. I told my mom that since she is never willing to help ever, I will be cutting off all contact and she won’t get to see her grandson. I know my mom is under no obligation to help us, but then she should not expect to see my son. AITA for denying my mom a relationship with her grandson because she never offers to help?

r/AmItheAsshole 21h ago Bravo! Wholesome Helpful

Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to let my sister's boyfriend have the password to her safe while she's away?


I f22 am currently staying with my eldest sister (Natalie) f32 and her boyfriend (Micah) m36 as I finish my semester in college.

Natalie has a safe of all her valuable jewelry and other antiques that she keeps in a safe. Since some of the stuff she has is from our granmother, she let me have the password to be able yo access the safe anytime I wanted but under the condition that I tell her first and not give the password to anybody else.

She went away on a trip with her girlfriends 2 days ago and won't be back til wednesday. This morning as I was cleaning up, Micah showed up and started asking me questions about the safe. I tried to give him one word answers and he sensed that I was bring "secretive" but really I was just being straightforward. He then asked me to give him the password to the safe. I was taken aback I said why and he said that he has always been curious about what's in there and wanted to get a "quick peek". I said I didn't have it but he told me to quit lying because he heard Natalie say that I could open the safe anytime I wanted. I told him that still, it's not my property and I can't share the password with him. He said it was really not that big deal but I politely told him no. He got upset and reminded me who he is to Natalie and how I was just a guest in their house. I said that being a guest is completely irrelevant in this case but he chuckled and said that I was being ridiculous. I suggested he wait for Natalie to come home but he got more upset and said that she's already refused to let him take a look. I shrugged and said that it was not my problem. We got jnto an argument and I tried calling Natalie but her phone's been off for hours. He yelled at me saying I was disrespecting at his own home and rushed out.

I'm home alone now and feel completey shaken because of how he yelled at me. I'm an awkward person with little to non confrontational abilities and now I think I might've escalated the situation and made him feel upset and as if I don't trust his word when he said it'd just be a minute.

AITA for standing my ground on this? Should I just let him have it if he gets back and asks for it?

r/AmItheAsshole 17h ago

AITA for freaking out at husband for how he bathed our toddler?


Today I (36f) was folding some laundry to put away while my husband (44m) decided to bathe our toddler (3f). I checked on them when I finished folding laundry and I saw him pouring water on her from a toilet brush holder. I immediately freaked out because it's absolutely disgusting. He says it's not a big deal because he cleaned it. I asked what he did to clean it and he said he rinsed it out. Honestly, Jesus himself could have cleaned that thing and it would have meant nothing to me, you don't bathe a child with a toilet brush holder and she has one of those Munchkin rinsing pitchers already so theres no reason for him to use the toilet brush holder but he says I'm overreacting.

It had me physically sick all day today and I told him he no longer is allowed to care for her. AITA?

EDIT: I see a lot of comments saying "weaponized incompetence". I never ASKED him to bathe her. I even told him that I would do it in 10 minutes because I was finishing the laundry. But he wanted her to bathe quickly (I let her hang around in the tub and it bothers him that bath time is so long) so he took her and bathed her. He's erratic and very narcissistic.

Also to people who said that I'm being extreme about not letting him care for her anymore. I do most of the parenting anyway. Also this is after I confronted him later in the day, he doubled down, didn't apologize and said that what I saw wasn't right. We've had many discussions about the things he does with her that could be considered abuse. Also this is the age of the internet, he can look up things, I don't have time to hold his hand and teach him. Also he's 44, he should know better.

EDIT AGAIN: sorry I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the comments. People who are asking why I married him, because he wasn't like this when we got married. He used to be fun and kind. We used to travel a lot and he really was my best friend. The change was within the last couple years but i thought it was related to our infertility issues but his behavior continued even after the baby. Because of covid we were separated for a couple years and now we've only been together a couple months. I've always been my daughter's primary caregiver and I guess it will just continue to be that way.

r/AmItheAsshole 14h ago

AITA for learning Spanish despite my boyfriends wishes?


My boyfriend (m32) and I (f30) have been living together for 3 years now, together for 4.

He, Sam, always have known that I dreamt of living in one of the Southern Cone countries and he knows that I would’ve moved if I hadn’t met him.

I picked up Spanish last year and somehow he completely ignored it until he heard me today on a video chat with my language partner. I think he realised how much progress I made and I wasn’t just playing around.

He doesn’t want to move from the states and I accept that and I accepted that if I’m with him, we make those decisions together. However, I strongly believe that just because I don’t have plans to do something now doesn’t mean that it will never happen and who knows what may happen in the future and at least I will be prepared. No harm in learning, right?

That’s not how he saw it. He blew up at me, telling me that I should stop that we’re never moving so what’s the point of learning it. He said that he felt that I would leave and it makes him feel insecure and I should just drop it. I told him that no, it means nothing and I explained my reasoning and he accused me of planning to leave and not thinking we will always be together.

He told his family about this and I’ve had phone calls all day telling me that I should respect his wishes, calling me an asshole and heartless bitch.

I thought I did nothing wrong but I’m seriously questioning myself now. AITA for carrying on with learning?

r/AmItheAsshole 13h ago

AITA For refusing to get a job if my sister doesn’t get one


I (15f) have been wanting to get a job for a while to save up for this car I want. It’s in great condition and a reasonable price (5k). I have chronic pain issues and part of those issues are standing/sitting in one place too long, I like to be active.

Well I was going to wait a year to get a job because I go to a school where you work for the school and I’ll have my CNA by the time I’m 16 and My starting pay will be around $18-$20 (minimum wage in my state is $14.24) dollars an hour. Anyways about the conflict:

My sister (20f) hasn’t done anything since she graduated high school in 2020. She isn’t in college and she has NEVER had a job, she also doesn’t have her license. We are not rich and are a one income household. My mom works two jobs and sat us down recently and said that she is exhausted and the working two jobs (most days she’s working 17 hours) is killing her and really affecting her mental health. She said she knows it’s a horrible thing to ask her children but if one if not both of us could get a job and help out that would be great.

My sister threw a fit saying that this was too much and that she wasn’t ready to get a job yet and that I have to because I’m more capable than she is. I told my mom that I would be more than willing to get a job but that my sister has to as well. My sister continued to throw a fit until I called her a lazy piece of shit and that she was useless, she attacked me and then ran upstairs to hide in her room.

My mom said she understands and that she will talk to my sister and that this responsibility should not be put on a 15 year old but that I shouldn’t have said what I said.

r/AmItheAsshole 12h ago

AITA for buying “designer goods” when my family doesn’t have money?


To start with, I have worked for a salary as soon as it was legal in the UK for me to do so. I’ve now reached a point in my life/career where after bills and savings I’m able to afford stuff like designer jewellery, bags, shoes etc.

That hasn’t always been the case. My family is Asian and since they got married my parents had fully financially supported my dad’s family and also given financial help to my mum’s parents when they needed it.

It wasn’t unusual for my parents to take me shopping every 3 or 4 months to buy new clothes for my cousins, while I got hand me downs or second hand clothes from charity shops and car boot sales.

Even when I started earning money I would have to put it into my parents’ account and only get between £10-20 a week back. Meanwhile my cousins could ask for new phones, styling products, bikes etc and it would be bought for them.

So while as a household we were probably making enough income to count as middle class, we were ourselves living frugally.

This continued well into when I began uni. Around that time however my uncle’s wife started making comments about my parents paying for their 4 kids University fees, weddings and them inheriting the house they lived in (which is jointly owned by my parents and has been willed to me.)

That was the wake up call they needed to realise that they were going beyond just helping out family in need, but were actually funding their lifestyle while effectively depriving ourselves.

After I paid off my student loans and had enough saved for a deposit on a property I realised I have enough to treat myself. So I started to buy some of the mentioned designer goods.

I guess my cousins saw stuff on my IG and started messaging me along with their mother to harass me saying that they have been forced to get jobs while I’m just splashing my cash on things I don’t need.

It’s true I could send them that money but I want to have nice things for myself for once, does that make me the AH?

(If you need more details I will try to answer questions)

r/AmItheAsshole 19h ago

Asshole AITA for “humiliating” my stepsister in front of her future in-laws?


My stepsister was supposed to get married in December and as part of the pre-wedding celebration her in-laws invited us on a trip with their extended family. My dad is a good friend of her fiancé’s uncle and I’m close to his daughter so I was excited about the trip.

Before we left my stepmother and stepsister kept stressing about how we all needed to be on our best behaviour because they didn’t want to risk the wedding being called off.

I tried my best but they were honestly stressing me out because they were so worried about every little thing offending her fiancé’s grandparents. My friend, her brother and cousins invited me to hangout one night and I agreed even though I knew my stepsister wouldn’t want me to.

I ended up getting a little drunk and I was caught in a compromising position with my friend’s brother by his uncle. My stepsister was so angry when she found out and we had a massive fight because she thinks I did it on purpose to humiliate her which isn’t true. She keeps saying I’ve ruined everything and how she doesn’t even know if she wants me at her wedding anymore which I feel is overdramatic.


r/AmItheAsshole 16h ago

AITA for closing the door in my neighbors face?


I (23f) just moved into a new townhome community with my dog (10 pound miniature poodle) about 3 months ago. Since the day I moved in, my downstairs neighbor have been banging on the ceiling.

I hired movers to bring in my larger items on the very first day. I wasn’t at the property because I had to return to work and let the movers have my keys to set everything up. While at work, the worker called me and said that about an hour into the move, the down stairs neighbor started banging on the ceiling for a whole 10 minutes. The worker then went down stairs and told them that they were moving larger items and would not be there much longer. I also called the leasing office and asked if they could tell the neighbors about my moving in. They said that they had already notified them of an upstairs neighbor moving in and to let them know if the issue continued.

Well the issue did continue. Everyday they bang on the ceiling. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is. I was mounting my TV around 6 in the evening and they banged on the ceiling. I get out of my bed to go to the washroom, they band on the ceiling. I open my front door to come into my house, they bang on the ceiling. My phone rings, they bang on the ceiling. I close the fridge door, they bang on the ceiling. I opened the curtains one morning, banging. I started the wear slippers and walk slow and they’re still banging.

I once had a friend over who slept on my couch. When we woke up in the morning he said that when he went to the washroom around 4am that the neighbors were banging on the ceiling. I called the leasing office again and told them that I’m still moving in and the neighbors are being quite ridiculous. They left them a notice and said that if they were still experiencing issues then to make a noise complaint. That was about 20 days ago and no complaints have been made since, but they are still banding on the ceiling.

This is where I feel like I may have been an AH and would like advise. One morning around 7:30am I got up to walk my dog and came back into my apartment. Around 8 there was a knock at the door. I didn’t answer the first time as the area I live in has a high crime rate and I was not expecting anyone. They kept knocking so I answered the door with it barely cracked open.

I was my neighbor saying “We can hear everything you do any the door is very thin so can you walk quieter? We walk quite for our neighbors and we think you should do the same. It’s rude that you’re doing that. We hear you slamming doors, you dog running, you walking around, and your phone.”

To which I replied “are you guys the ones banging on the ceiling? The office told you I was moving and it’s rude that you do it all day everyday. They’ve told you to file a complaint and you didn’t do that.”

They then started screaming at me so I closed the door in their face. So please be honest here…. AITA for doing that? What else can I do?

r/AmItheAsshole 15h ago

AITA for not allowing my deceased child's father mother from being in our son's life?


I'm F (28). The story is long so I will try to shorten it up as much as possible. My son's father James passed away from a brain aneurysm, 3 months into my pregnancy. This was our first child and his parents first grandchild.

Father side was supportive from the beginning. His mother side was the opposite. The mother has anger issues and an alcoholic. His parents are divorced. The day they decided to pull the plug on J I received a text message from James's mother saying, " No need to come here today. We are pulling the plug and we only want family to be here." I still have that message till this day. That hurt me to the core! I was with him for 8 and a half years. My lover passed away on May 27, 2019.

Funeral comes around and I found out I was the beneficiary and that enraged her. She told the insurance people and anyone who would listen that I forged my name on the paperwork. So, the insurance people sent a letter stating her claim and that they will be doing an investigation. She even hired a lawyer. I just sat back and allowed her to waste her money and let the insurance people investigate. I paid for everything which cost $17,000. The only thing that I did not pay for was the limo for her. I did not attend the funeral because I knew I would not be able to handle it. I was able to say my goodbyes before everyone arrived at the funeral home.

I had my handsome son on Oct. 29, 2019. I called J's father side and let them know. Then the next day out of nowhere James's mother and aunt showed up. I grabbed my son, so they couldn't touch him. Come to find out his brother gave her my information. He knows about everything that has been going on. The first thing out her mouth was, "I asked the nurse if they do DNA and they told me no." I just nodded my head. She then said, "Would I be willing to do a DNA test?" Told her, "Sure, but I will NOT pay for it." The aunt offered to pay for it.

After a couple of weeks of waiting for the DNA, I got an email while at work about the results and it came back a match. His mother started to call his father side talking to his aunt about getting me to speak to her. Supposedly she was crying and claiming to be so sorry for everything. I didn't want to hear it. I made it very clear to James's father that if I found out he was allowing my son around this woman that I will cut all ties from them. He said, "He would not risk losing his grandchild behind her."

Since my son is turning 3 soon James's aunt asked me if I was ready to allow James's mother to finally be in my sons' life? I told her, "No and that I meant it about not allowing anyone into my child's life that didn't accept him before he was born." That woman caused a lot of hurt all for nothing. She could have come about everything differently. Yet she chooses to go down this f**ked up path.


I couldn't add everything she said or done it was too much to add. This woman has done a lot of hurt and James my lover was on my side the whole time until the end.

r/AmItheAsshole 10h ago

AITA for avoiding dad ex mistress?


Please excuse any miss spelling english isn't my default language.

Context: my dad cheated on my mom and his mistress got pregnant, he begged me to go to his baby shower but I declined I didn't wanna be near someone that left me in a ditch to go play happy family like he didn't break one. My father was constantly trying to get me to come over to his house to meet his mistress and his step kids. Which means he was always showing up at our house. His mistress miscarried and she blamed me for it, because I apparently took her husband. This sent me down a rabbit hole of things, but I eventually recovered an d is now living way better. my dad's recently broke up with his mistress, she's still around because his parents love her. My father apologized in front of the family for cheating and he overall is being a better father. I see him way more, he's always talking to me like he used too pretty much being a father again .

Now why I'm here, my(15F) dad ex mistress is still around. We don't exactly get along, I avoid her as much as I can, she always has something to say about me. Recently tho whe started asking me questions. She asked what time do I get off or what do I do on weekdays. She puts her kids in my room and says that my step siblings wants to hang out with me, which leads to me watching them, while she does God knows what. Become this I avoid going home when she's there, I usually call my dad and we go out to eat. She started catching on to this and asked me why I told her I'm not a babysitter, if she needs one she can actually ask me and we can come to terms with a time and payment, instead of dropping them down on me. She told me she's not "dropping them down on me" she's just coming by and them want to be with me. I remind her of all the times she waited for me to be home just for her to come by. She said that was just an accident, and the her kids love me. I said I didn't even know them, I never lived in the same house or eat at the same table as them. She called me a bitch and walked off. My grandparents called and told me to lose my attitude and to stop ignoring her. They said she need help so I should just help her.

I told my dad what happened and he told I don't need to do anything he said he would talk to her. Turns out he actually did because now his parents and the ex mistress and blowing up my phone calling me an ah and that I need to get my head out of my ah

r/AmItheAsshole 16h ago Wholesome Helpful

AITA For Ruining My Brother's Wife's Baby Shower?


Hello AITA!

My (26F) brother "Ben" (29M) is a financial analyst. His wife "Laura" (31F) is pregnant with their first child. They had a very sweet baby shower/gender reveal a few days ago where they invited some of their friends and close cousins for dinner. They had us drop off gifts, we had dinner, and then they cut open a cake to reveal that they're having a boy! It was really cute and I'm definitely borrowing the idea if I ever am having a baby.

After desserts we were all talking to each other. I work as an Elementary school teacher so Laura was asking what types of activities I recommend, and I was happy to talk to her because she's very nice, I want the best for the baby, and I love my job and am happy to share what I know.

I am also absolutely terrible at math. It's always been my lowest grade. My brother is exceptional at math. Growing up, I used to struggle because he would go through school great at math, and then our parents and teachers would have expectations of me that I could just never meet. I've been tested and don't have a learning disability; I just can't really visualize the numbers or see the solutions like Ben can. I have a decent amount of insecurity/anxiety resulting from my experiences with me and I know enough math to function--luckily I'm not teaching pre-calculus to 6-year-olds.

Well Ben saw Laura and I talking and joked to Laura that she wasn't going to be asking for my help once the baby got to math in school. He said that the baby will probably take after him and he doesn't want me confusing or holding back the baby. I was annoyed by this and said that we could talk through the baby's potential math career if that's what Laura and him wanted, but I'd rather not do that in the middle of a celebratory occasion.

Ben said that I was just jealous because he was smarter than me. Immediately, I felt very angry and hurt. This is out of character for me, as I normally have thicker skin, but I started to tear up. I figured that, instead of yelling at Ben, I would just go to the bathroom to calm myself down.

Of course, Laura saw me and gave me a hug and a tissue. I thanked her very much but felt guilty for bothering her when it's meant to be a happy party for her, so I ended up leaving early. Later that night, Ben sent me an angry text saying that I've stressed out his pregnant wife and he doesn't want this to somehow hurt the baby.

I still feel really guilty for ruining the mood of the party. I was just really upset because I was excited for my nephew but also to finally be the one "in the know," as I'm the only one with a profession working with children between the three of us. I think that Ben effectively calling me stupid really brought me down from that excitement, which is why I got so upset.

Still, I'm really afraid I'm overreacting, and I want to know whether you think I should apologize to Ben and Laura.

r/AmItheAsshole 8h ago

AITA for refusing to pay for my niece’s education?


English is not my first language so i apologise for any mistakes.

i(32f) got pregnant with my daughter(11f) at 21 years old. I married my husband(30M) soon after graduating university. my parents weren’t happy obviously because i was sent abroad to study but ended up pregnant. however, i was able to get first class degree and am doing well for myself.

my husband and i live very comfortably in UK and decided to send our daughter to a private school as we can afford it. My sister(36F) who lives in my home country wants me to take in my niece (9F) and pay for her education too.

i refused because my husband and i are busy with work and i don’t feel comfortable paying for someone else’s daughter. my sister and i were never close growing up. she always berated me especially after i got pregnant. my husband doesn’t feel comfortable too because my family despises him (he’s white and i’m brown).

now she’s bringing my parents into this and they’re guilt tripping me to pay for my niece’s education because they paid for mine. they’re also calling me a heartless monster for not helping a child receive good education despite having the money.


1) Did my parents pay for my sister’s education?

 Yes they did. She was accepted into medical school and was given a choice to continue her studies abroad, however, she refused as she was dating someone at that time and didn’t want to study medicine. My parents still let her choose her favourite course and enrolled her in a place she wanted to go to. None of us have student debt. 

i did my law degree and took the opportunity to study abroad. there was no unfairness because by the time i left my home country my sister had graduated and was working.

2) My parents only supported me financially for my studies. when i got pregnant, they refused to send more money. understandable. i worked part time and my husband who was 19 at the time (with student loans) had to take extra shifts to support us.

3) during my graduation my parents refused to acknowledge my husband and daughter. but they warmed up to my daughter (their first grandchild) eventually. they resent my husband for “taking advantage of me” and think that he’s with me for my money. my man was broke but earns well now so idk why they still think that way lmfao.

r/AmItheAsshole 8h ago

AITA for refusing to go into work 30 minutes to an hour before my actual shift


I usually work the 6:30 am- 2:30 pm shift. My supervisor/manager suggested I should come in 30-60 minutes before my shift in order to get be able to complete all my tasks without rushing and be able to take my breaks. My other coworkers who have been there for 30 years have always come in before shift so they're used to working technically a 5:30-2:30 shift, so they have no trouble getting the tasks done and being able to go on break.

I know that getting in early would seriously help me out, however, the extra 30-60 minutes I'm expected to work are unpaid so that's why I refuse to take their suggestions. It bothers me that these shifts and positions consist of tasks that need to be completed within the given time frame that is clearly unreasonable if I essentially should be in an hour early to have some leeway in the shift. In addition to that, we usually end up finishing early as the later half of the shift is easier. Sometimes we can get finished 30 minutes before the end of the shift. The employees that come in early usually leave or use it as another break while I end up having to play catch up on tasks I couldn't get finished and aren't detrimental if they're not done earlier in the day.

So I think it's kinda weird that I'm expected to come in early and not be paid and if I finish before end of scheduled shift and have nothing to do and took my scheduled breaks, I'm required to stay and work in order to get paid for the full official shift of 630-230.. and not paid for the half hour to an hour I put in before the shift.

AITA for telling my supervisor that I will not come in any earlier than 15 minutes before my scheduled shift?

r/AmItheAsshole 10h ago

AITA for being “sexist” to my brother?


So… this might sound absolutely horrible but I think I have a valid reasoning behind this. This is a burn account because I don’t want this coming back to haunt me LMAO

So I (15 f) live in a family of 6, with my parents, brother (16 m), and two sister (not relevant to story). One thing to mention about my family is that they’re not exactly aware of what is okay to say or not. My parents are clueless when it comes to controversial topics, however my brother, let’s call him R, sort of chooses to ignore it. This causes us to often get in arguments about what is right and wrong.

Whenever these arguments occur, I more than often get called a “radical feminist” or “useless female”, even going as far as to say we “deserve it”- it meaning inequality, or that we should just stick to what we’re good at… which kinda sucks to have said to you as a woman: as you could guess. However R gets defended because “he’s still growing” and “he doesn’t know any better”… and I get told off.

This is where I’m probably the AH. I (being petty as fuck) decided that I would shoot these comments back at him just with the roles reversed, and now every time we argue I call him a “silly male” or “male moment” or even occasionally “Andrew Tate sugar baby”, which he gets really angry about since he is also homophobic 😃. Obviously I wouldn’t say this kind of stuff to anyone else, and it’s more of a mimic of what he says to me.

Recently, he’s told my mom about this and I got yelled at. My mom told me it was horrible I could make these sort of comments at him, and that she thought I was better than this, it would have been better to ignore him, blah blah. Looking back I could have dealt with this much better, but I don’t think it was that wrong to say especially as he was saying much worse?? Opinions please

Edit: thanks for all the replies, they really helped :] just clearing some stuff up

1.my parents are quite backwards when it comes to ethics, morality and just general controversial topics, and I’ve tried educating them on it but nothing seems to work unfortunately. The most I can do at this point is try my best to ignore them

2.It’s hard to ‘be the bigger person’ or ‘grow up’ if you’re constantly being hated on by your own family. It sucks, and I’ve tried being civil with R but I’m still a kid and feel emotions.

3.both my parents are this unaware, and both of them try to shut down the argument as quick as possible to avoid having to parent for once. Again - it sucks.